


Of Stormy Seas and Galaxies

by batyalewbel



Series: Of Stormy Seas and Galaxies [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Genre: AU, Angst, Anxiety, Doing the stick the Rogue One crew into A New Hope thing I have some ideas., F/M, FIx It, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, This did get Cassian/Jyn but I DO NOT WRITE SMUT...I don't write much past cuddling, multiple POVs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 154,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8920585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batyalewbel/pseuds/batyalewbel
Summary: The first time he went out into the field with her she was an annoyance. A liability that could be dispatched if needed. The first time she stepped onto his ship, she clutched her blaster close and told herself it would all be fine. The first time Galen Erso asked him "Do you like the Empire?" he could hardly answer past the lump in his throat.A story of one mission that almost failed and what follows after that.





	1. 93 Percent Stardust(Cassian)

**Author's Note:**

> So a lot of this, particularly the early chapters, were written after seeing Rogue One once. I got some detail stuff wrong and I'm too lazy to fix all of it and a few things I changed on purpose.  
> Also these first three chapters were originally written to be a standalone character study of events from the film. I tweaked the endings a bit to suit my purposes but yeah...if it feels very final I was originally writing the movie's ending.

 

 _We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins, carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains._  
_93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames,_  
_We are all just stars that have people names._  
 _—Nikita Gill_

 ---

The first time he went out into the field with her, she was an annoyance. A liability. He told himself immediately not to get too attached. The Rebellion wanted her father dead, she could be dispatched as well if they needed it.

He told himself not to get too attached.

On his ship when she held onto a blaster like it was a lifeline and asked him to trust her. It took a lot for him to turn his back on an armed stranger, but he managed it. And he managed to tune out K-2SO beside him spouting variables of his demise. All he could focus on was the girl behind him, still holding the blaster like it was something friendly and familiar in a cruel world. Part of him thinks he couldn't possibly deprive anyone of their lifeline, but he still feels himself twitch a little as he's forced into this strange endurance test. A mix of nerves and patience as he waits for something to happen. By the time they land on Jedha, she hasn't shot him. In a world of spies and liars that means almost nothing, and yet...it eases the tension in his shoulders...just a little

In the city, when the storm troopers start firing, he watches her run into the fray with a mix of frustration and horror. It's good to know she can handle herself, but she's useless to him dead. He imagines he knows what a heart attack feels like when she races through laser gun fire to retrieve a child she doesn't even _know._

'Damn it Jyn,' he mutters under his breath as he tries to provide some cover fire. Of course, everything is utter chaos, the situation has gone to absolute shit. He still watches as she rescues the sobbing child and hands her off to her mother.

So...the girl's soft. It could get them all killed. But, she also thinks to throw her arm over his shoulder and slam him to the ground when a bomb goes off behind him. It's all a mess and pure reflex, without thought, as they nearly die a hundred times over. Whatever the reason, he puts himself in the worse position of having shot one of Saw Gerrera's men when it means stopping a bomb being thrown her way.

He tells himself he would have been caught in the blast as well. He tells himself several things as he watches her speak to Gerrera's men. She's a small thing. Delicately built, but he watches the steel in her spine as she looks the leader in the eye and proclaims herself as the daughter of Galen Erso.

Then he ends up in a cell with these strange friends Jyn seemed to make in a matter of minutes. The blind man seems insane, but Cassian saw the man fight so he sits quietly and waits for his chance. It comes when he discovers Bodhi Rook, the Empire pilot in the cell beside theirs. His chance comes again when an explosion rocks the ground beneath them and he manages to escape their cell. It's tempting to run straight for the ship, but he needs to find Jyn. She might have learned something vital to the mission from speaking with Gerrera.

And even if she hadn't…

He finds her huddled in front of a holo-projector. She doesn't even seem to register the noise around them as the structure there in falls apart from the blast of the explosion. Tears stream silently down her cheeks as she closes her eyes to the world around them. At least she doesn't fight him when he pulls her out of there. Not until Gerrera insists on staying behind does she attempt to pull away. He can barely hear the man's words over the onslaught around them, but there's no time. He tugs Jyn away and practically drags her as she keeps staring behind them at the figure of Saw Gerrera in the doorway. In front of them the sky is gone beneath a wave of destruction, like the ground going to meet the sky. As K-2 said, ' _there is no horizon_.'

Once the ship is safely beyond the blast radius they all silently watch a city razed to the ground. Cassian recalls the little girl Jyn tried to save and feels a pang of futility in that it was for nothing. Once the ship is back in orbit, he has a chance to observe her. She's gone still and silent as a statue. Like she's still recovering from shockwaves he can't see. Like she's preparing to combust or go supernova. What had this man Saw Gerrera been to her that would make her sit so still? No tears, no words, nothing. When she finally speaks, her eyes shine as she tells them all about the holo her father recorded. The flaw in the Death Star, the plans, there's hope in her eyes, but he can't tell if it's hope for her father or the rebellion. Then he watches that hope die as he asks the question that he knows he has to ask. Where's the recording?

She left it behind.

It's at that moment that he knows for certain. The Rebellion will never trust her word as sole proof. They will not send troops to find the plans. They will do nothing. She is the messenger nobody will hear, but a messenger nonetheless. He will deliver her to the Rebellion and let them decide what to do with the information.

And he has his orders like a new weight to carry. He has to kill Galen Erso. If she gets in his way, he'll have to kill her too.

\---

It's always ugly now. Cassian stopped seeing beauty a long time ago. The galaxy is an ugly place and at some point he let that ugliness inside of him. He did what he had to and he did it for a cause he believes in. It never helped him sleep at night or forget the faces of those he killed. But it is something he holds onto. He clings to his missions, his orders, his cause.

Right now in the rain, he clings to his long range laser blaster. He has Galen Erso in his sights. He could have pulled the trigger at any time over the last five minutes, but instead he watches the man in the dark coat stand in front of a line of men in white coats. He watches Galen as he is forced to his knees and the men behind him are shot down. He watches the man, a defeated figure and his traitor hand won't pull the trigger.

That's when he sees Jyn sneaking around the edges of the camp and he watches her feeling his breath leave his lungs. She's going to get herself _killed._ He keeps his gun up just in case. He tells the rebel forces to call off their air strike because Jyn is _on the platform._ Galen is still kneeling, blasters are being aimed at him.

Then he watches her stand up. A fragile figure nearly lost in the dark and the rain. Distantly he can hear her voice raised, but he can't make out the words.

Suddenly everyone is looking at her. Commander Krennic is looking at her.

That's when his people show up and rain fire down on all of them.

He watches long enough to see the explosion. He loses sight of Jyn and he packs up his blaster without a thought before he's running towards the trouble instead of away.

Once he reaches the remains of the platform he finds her almost instantly. A shaking figure huddled over a body. For the second time in as many days he's trying to pull her away from a lost cause and someone she cares for.

“Come on Jyn, we have to leave.”

She doesn't respond, she simply clings to the body. He can feel her trembling and still he pulls at her again. The words sound a little desperate in his ears as he tries to coax her away from the wreckage around them. The Rebel squadron could do a second attack run, he's not sure if they'll stop at one.

“Come on Jyn, come on.”

Finally, he manages to pull her away from the body of Galen Erso and she lets out a sound so small he almost misses it over the din of the fire and rain. A sound like quiet agony. The softest keening. The sound of a lost child. Something inside him breaks a little hearing it.

Finally, she lets herself get pulled off the platform and back into the mountains. They slip away from the fire and the lasers. Lost to the noise and the war. Just two small figures moving through the dark and the rain.

For a long time, neither of them speak. The world around them is only silence except for the continued water falling in small drops around them.

When Cassian can once again see the lights of a ship (the one Bodhi must have found for them) when Jyn abruptly halts beside him.

“Jyn, come _on_ ,” he murmurs, but she shakes her head.

“I'm not coming with you.” she says and he stares at her.

“What are you talking about?”

“I will not get on that ship with you,” she says and in the dark he can only see what might be rain or tears glinting in her eyes and on her cheeks.

“What? Why?” he can do nothing but ask and she finally looks at him. He once thought of a supernova and steel when he looked at her, but this is worse. This is after the supernova. After the fractured shrapnel and stardust flew far out into space. This is after the spark became fire burning everything in its path to ash. This is oceans overflowing after a storm.

“You killed him,” she said. Three words awash with venom. They hit him like punches, but he pretends they didn't. He sighs and tries to diffuse her like a bomb.

“You don't know what you're talking about,” he says

“The Rebellion wanted you to kill him.”

“Jyn, you're in shock. Come inside.”

“The Rebellion wanted my father dead and _you killed him._ ”

“Jyn you're upset, let's get inside.”

“Don't talk to me like a child, those were Rebel ships Cassian.”

“Jyn, you don't understand, I had my orders,” he began, but her words lashed out, cutting him off

“What don't I understand? You following orders? So were they,” she throws a hand out, pointing back the way they came.

“My _father_ was just following orders and he tried to save the galaxy while he was at it,” Cassian thinks she truly doesn't understand or maybe she is this deluded. But he's reached his own boiling point and it takes all his self control not to shout the words in her face.

“I did not kill your father. I had my hand on the trigger, but _I did not kill him_. I called off the Rebel ships, but _they didn't listen_.”

For a moment neither of them speak as the rain continues to soak them to the bone.

“Well, I guess they were just following their orders,” she whispers, “You're all no better than storm troopers," and her voice cracks a little. The words sting more than he would have expected. She takes a step back and he moves forward, still hurt, still angry.

“Listen to me Jyn, you're not the only one whose lost here. I've been fighting for the Rebellion since I was 6 years old. I--” he abruptly cut himself off.

“You're not the only one who has lost things,” he says again and storms back towards the ship.

\---

Neither of them speak during the flight to Yavin IV. He sits up front beside K-2SO who, after making a comment about percentages and increased aggression, has been remarkably quiet beyond the necessary communication. Sometimes Cassian thinks K-2SO can choose his words carefully he just _likes_ saying whatever crosses his circuits.

In the back of the ship he can hear Jyn. She talks softly with the others. He saw her talk to Bodhi for a minute before settling beside Chirrut. He is doing most of the talking, but she's sitting beside him, listening. Her eyes still glisten and he rests a hand on her knee. By the time they landed, she had found a corner to curl up in and she says nothing to him as they exit the ship. But, he can feel her eyes on him.

He's not angry anymore.

Not really.

His loss came years ago and hers is still raw. He knows the difference intimately and he remembers the sound she made as he pulled her away from her father.

He thinks about saying something. Maybe an apology, but she's already moved past him, out the hangar door with that determined stride.

The Rebellion has been his family and his life for as long as he could recall. He knows them far too well. Their flaws and their strengths. He knows they will not take the word of Galen Erso's daughter, the criminal, the coward... In their eyes at least. They will not listen. And the few who do, will be silenced by the majority against her.

Antoc Merrick leads a small squadron. They've lost more than a few in the last few skirmishes. Merrick's been unhappy with the way The Rebellion's made choices of late. The choice to run and hide instead of strike doesn't sit well with him along with so many others. Plus, he's well liked. Others will listen if he can convince him.

He runs from hangar to hangar until he spot's Merrick's X-Wing.

“Hey Merrick!” he calls as he races over. The other man turns to face him with a sardonic eyebrow raised high.

“Cassian, back from that mission of yours I see? Do you mind my asking why you look like you're being chased by an AT-AT?” Cassian takes a moment to catch his breath and can't help his lips quirking a little as he rests a hand on Merrick's shoulder.

“I have some news that I think will interest you.”

\---

He did end up stepping into that meeting long enough to watch Jyn argue. A new light in her eyes and a new fire fueling her. Something happened when he wasn't looking and now she is here and full of fire. When he wasn't looking her pain turned to elemental passion. Like the tides or the eternal spin of this planet around its sun. He can see it in the faces of those around them, they won't listen.

He leaves after a few minutes to go find Merrick. In that time Merrick has his squadron plus a few more ready to join them.

It will never be enough, but it will have to be for them.

“Thank you everyone,” Cassian says,

“Now let me introduce you to Jyn Erso.”

\---

He hears the conversation as they approach. Jyn stands dejected and frustrated while the others talk softly.

“She wants to fight,” Chirrut says. The blind man being somehow the most observant of them all.

“We all want to,” Bodhi says

“How many do we need?” Baze asks and that's when Cassian has to smile a little. Their group is still a small one... But they are a little bigger now. He makes the introductions and he sees it in her face, like pieces falling into place as she looks out at them. Decision and determination settle as she thanks them all and he sends them off to make preparations. As everyone leaves, she approaches him with a shy smile like sunlight. It dims a little when she tells him softly,

“I'm not used to people sticking around when things go bad.” It's little things like that which make him ache for the life she should have had. The one she deserved and not the one she must have been given. In her he recognizes a fellow soul that's gotten the short end of every stick for the whole of her life. Of course, nobody here has gotten the life they should have. But the way she says it, like it's a simple fact of her existence makes him lean over and murmur,

“Welcome home.”

\---

An hour into the flight to Scarif, Cassian lets Bodhi take the reigns. He goes into the back of the ship where he finds Jyn sitting beside Chirrut talking softly. Chirrut has that smooth easy smile and that air of calm around him. Maybe that's what drew Jyn to him on Jedha. He meant to ask her about that, but there was never time.

It seems like there's never been enough time.

He's resting a hand on her knee like before and she's smiling, a little nervous, a little uncertain. Maybe Chirrut can sense the tremor in her hands because something in the way he smiles at her speaks of comfort. Cassian watches and after several minutes the tremors in her hands seem to calm and she tucks her hands in the pocket of her jacket. It's at that moment that Chirrut seems to look at him without actually _looking_ at him and says,

“Cassian, why don't you come join us.” She looks up, almost startled and he let's an easy smile form as he replies,

“Of course,” Nothing in his tone or body language belies the tension he's carrying. Unlike Jyn, he has no hand tremors to give him away as they near their destination and some of the longest odds he's faced. Of course he's nervous, he's just had years of practice hiding his nerves.

He settles on Jyn's other side and Chirrut cocks his head to the left with a small frown.

“I think I ought to check on Baze, if you'll excuse me,” he says with that same unflappable smile for both of them. Cassian wonders if Chirrut's calm is as practiced as his own or if the monk is such a true believer that his faith is a true sense of peace, that he will never know.

They both watch Chirrut's measured stride towards the other end of the ship where Baze sits checking his weapons for what has to be the fifth time since they left Yavin IV.

Neither of them speak for a long moment, simply watching as Chirrut stands beside Baze and says something they can't hear. Baze seems to chuckle over whatever it is as he continues in his work.

They both seem almost content.

Finally, it's Jyn who speaks.

“Thank you... For helping me do this,” she says it softly, without looking at him. He glances at her before saying,

“Jyn, what we're doing... It could _save_ the Rebellion.”

“Nobody else seemed to think so,” her eyes are downcast and she lifts her hands from her pockets to toy with some frayed threads on the sleeves.

“They just weren't paying enough attention,” he flaps a hand aiming for lightness. Only then does she look at him.

“Thank you for believing me.”

He can't look away. There's a raw edge to her words that he's only just beginning to understand. The depths of what her life has been before he knew her. The experiences he does not know, but can imagine. He has only one response and he means it.

“Your welcome.”

That's when she smiles at him again reminding him of stars and celestial bodies. A galaxy contained within her frame. He smiles back because light begets light and after a moment they look away. But, neither of them leave. They simply sit beside each other for the rest of this ride, shoulder to shoulder, enjoying the feel and comfort of human contact. Cassian knows she's scared, knows he's _terrified._ He's a spy not a soldier and with maybe 30 men against the one of Empire's most fortified bases there's no way they will have a clean exit. It's going to get messy and he's trying not to run estimates of casualties because the numbers in his head are too unpleasant to contemplate.

After another hour of sitting quietly Jyn seems to have fallen asleep, listing sideways to rest on her head on his shoulder. For a long moment he doesn't move, afraid he'll wake her. But, after several minutes he can tell this is a much needed respite, possibly the first since they went after Galen. So, he simply leans in and tries to let her rest more comfortably against him. A brief glance up shows Chirrut and Baze have settled across the room and somehow Chirrut seems to be smiling at him.

\---

For a moment, Cassian thought they all might just make it.

The moment when Jyn murmurs,

“ _Stardust..._ K-2 look up Stardust!”

“Why Stardust,” he asks and she looks up at him with bright eyes.

“Stardust is me,” she says and for a moment Cassian's breathless with the thought that they might _actually do this_. That's when they hear gunfire ring through the comms.

“You're going to have to climb,” K-2 tells them and Cassian's stuck. He wants to fight this. He wants to run out there and defend the being that has been his sole companion for over three years. Something in him breaks a little more when he can hear the droid's voice getting muddled from melting circuits.

Cassian is still stuck between fear and loyalty when K-2 says a gentle ' _goodbye_ ' as heartfelt as a droid ever could and the door bolts shut. The sound of it knocks him out of his paralysis and the only thing he can yell is,

“ _K!_ ” Jyn is beside him with sad eyes and a hand on his arm and Cassian wants to cry. He wants a moment to stop and scream at the world and mourn his friend. But of course, there's no time.

There's never enough time.

Bodhi stopped answering on the comms. There's no time to contemplate his fate, they have to keep moving.

They strip off their Imperial uniforms, down to their own clothes beneath. They need the freedom of movement that these uniforms wouldn't provide and so they leave them behind, like piles of former selves they shed to get here.

Jyn shoots out the transparisteel and climbs up to the edge of the window. The two of them share a glance, it's fear and resignation, this is the mission now and they must complete it.

She jumps first and he winces at how hard she smacks against the data tower, but she gets a hand hold and starts climbing to give him the space to land. He jumps and digs his hands in ignoring the little cuts and bruises he makes along the way.

The climb feels long and there is no sound beyond their small huffs of exertion echoing down as they lift themselves up one data shelf at a time. Finally Jyn calls out,

“I've got it!” and wraps her hands around the illuminated disk. She tugs and almost loses her grip, swinging out from the tower. His hands reach out in a reflex attempt to catch her. Luckily, she maintains a strong grip on the struts of the tower and is able to haul herself back without any help from him. She clips the disc onto her belt and grins down at him.

That's the moment when a door neither of them saw lifts open.

“Jyn, _look out!_ ” he calls as he rips his blaster from its holster and starts shooting. The laser fire creates enough smoke that he's able to distract them while Jyn climbs. He keeps shooting until she's completely behind the tower providing her cover and safety from their gunfire. He manages to take down a death trooper in the racket and its in that small moment of triumph that he gets hit.

It feels like less than a second and a millennia as the laser fire burns through his shoulder and knocks him loose from the tower. He lands hard on a beam, feeling his body crack with the impact, but he can't get a grip on it. He keeps falling until his head hits something hard and blackness swallows him with an echo of someone calling his name,

“ _Cassian!_ ”

\---

When he wakes, alone on the small platform, there's only silence and the far, far away sound of battles he's no longer privy to.

He needs a moment to take stock. His head aches, probable concussion and a poke at his ribs suggests he at least cracked one or two on that beam. His shoulder is bleeding sluggishly around the cauterized flesh burned by the laser fire.

He gets to his feet carefully, testing if his legs can hold his weight. The right one aches where he landed on it, but it feels like a simple muscle tear rather than bone damage and he can deal with that.

Her voice echoes in his head, the way she called his name. She's on her own right now, but she doesn't have to be. He stares up at the tower and what feels like an endless climb and he gets moving.

It hurts like he expected. His head spins and every lungful of air brings a new kind of pain. Every so often he has to pause and catch his breath, but he just reminds himself of her face, the briefest glance he got of fear filled eyes as he fell. The sound of her calling his name. That's enough to get him climbing again.

\---

When he nears the top he can hear them both. He can hear Jyn proudly tell Commander Krennic that she's the daughter of Galen Erso exacting his revenge. He can hear the man say that it's useless, that what they did has been for nothing. He's sweaty and breathless as he climbs out of the hatch for the roof exit. Around the pillar he can see the Commander with his gun aimed at Jyn as he tells her how she will die. It only takes one shot to cut him off before he can complete the thought.

She lights up at the sight of him,

“ _Cassian!_ ” She says again, this time with joy instead of fear. He can't help but grin back as he leans against the pillar. Then her gaze drifts back to Commander Krennic. She makes a move towards him, but he grabs her arm and manages not to wince while doing it.

“Leave him,” he tells her. She looks at him and maybe she sees the words he isn't saying.

_There isn't enough time._

Whatever she sees in his face is enough. She runs back to the control panel and presses a few buttons. He would go over to watch but he's exhausted. That climb was endless and he's running on fumes, he can barely even see the screen as she works but he can see it in her eyes when the plans have been sent.

She looks at him and he looks at her and there's a moment of pure joy.

They did it.

Without a word she steps in, taking his arm over her shoulder to help support him. He doesn't say anything but a small sigh escapes him as he lists a little and she's able to carry the weight for a moment. He glances down to see her watching the sky, her eyes looking all the brighter for the bruises surrounding them.

“Do you think anybody's listening?” He asks and she nods. _Somebody must be._ They both pause to look at the Commander still lying prone on the platform. She turns away first with a quiet,

“Come on,” and he does. She holds him up as they find their way out.

They take the elevator down to the ground floor and there's no light beyond what slips in between the grating. They only see brief flashes of each other as the light slides by.

“Do you think any of the others made it?” She asks and for a moment he considers lying. But she's too smart for that and they're standing too close as she helps him keep his feet, surely she would see the lie in his eyes.

“Bodhi stopped answering his comms before we lost them. I don't know about Chirrut and Baze.” She nods and looks away. Neither of them speak after that. They just breathe.

When they reach the ground floor and the outdoors that when they see it. What almost looks like another planet approaching in the sky. They trade glances. An unspoken agreement to keep going.

They walk past where their ship was. There's nothing but rubble and bodies. Both of them pause to stare at the destruction. There's no more movement, no more fighting, none left standing. It's then that Jyn looks up at him with tears in her eyes, yet to be shed. Cassian swallows past the lump in his throat. He could lie down here with them if he wanted. They deserved better and he brought them here.

Bodhi must be in the ruins of their ship, wherever it is. He thinks the burned body staring up at the sky could be Chirrut. He can't see Baze. 

He looks back at Jyn, she brought them here too, and that's a pain she's never had to carry before and one he knows too well. For that alone, he can't leave her yet even though he's so tired. Even though he can feel the dampness of blood still flowing out of him. Even though his head is spinning and each breath hurts a little more. Right now he should say something to ease that look on her face.

“They didn't die for nothing. You sent the plans, you completed the mission. Millions of people will live because of what they did...what _we_ did.”

“Because of my father,” she adds still staring out at all that death before she looks up at him with something new in her eyes. Something between joy and tragedy.

\---

The ship is gone, and so are their comms. They have no way to contact the Rebel ships in orbit. The planet has now grown to eclipse the whole horizon. They're heading towards the beach as it fires off a green blast. In the distance they can see the tower they left behind vanish in a plume of blinding light. Both of them have to shut their eyes to the sight of it.

As the light becomes its own sun and smoke begins to cloud out the sky bathing everything in golden glow of its destruction, they finally reach the beach.

She lets him down as gently as she can and he flashes her something of a smile as she sits beside him.

They can see far out in the ocean where the blast grows and shifts. This is what it must be like to see a star get born. To see planets get made.

A supernova matching the likes of the girl beside him. He thinks of her like something elemental or maybe celestial, some pure force guiding him on a path he never would have taken or could have ever imagined.

It started in a dark room on Yavin IV and this must be how it ends. On a beach on Scarif drenched in the gold of a galaxy being born out of smoke and light as the sea laps at their feet. He looks at Jyn, the girl that's become so much to him in such a short time. Maybe she could have been more in time.

_There's never enough time._

“Your father would have been proud,” he tells her and she smiles past the tears in her eyes as she looks away from it to see him. The chaos around them is beautiful, but there's something more beautiful in her. He takes her hand and she clutches it like a lifeline as the cloud grows. The warmth turns hotter to burning as the wave comes closer. She's shaking as she reaches out and he draws her into an embrace. Each wrapping strong arms around the other. They hold on tight like they'll never let go.

They never had enough time, but it has to be enough. They saved the Rebellion, they saved millions of lives, maybe in some other life they could have lived to see peace but this will have to do. The feel of her small hands on his back. Her hair on his cheek as the fire and light and smoke come closer to surround them. For a moment they are seared like the heart of a new star and then nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO GUESS WHO HAS SOME FEELINGS ABOUT ROGUE ONE. I don't know when I'll do Jyn's perspective but I absolutely want to.  
> And another little note. I'm super weird about shipping. Basically read this as shippy if you want or not shippy if you want I'm somewhere in between the two I think.  
> Feel free to be my friend on tumblr @ladyknightthebrave


	2. An Expert at Being Left Behind(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I definitely don't know what I'm doing but I did reference the fic And The Next by ienablu for some of that movie dialogue since she was getting it pretty right. And read that fic btw it's excellent.  
> 

 

_It’s the leftover humans. The survivors. They’re the ones I can’t stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail. I deliberately seek out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind, crumbling among the jigsaw puzzle of realization, despair, and surprises. They have punctured hearts. They have beaten lungs. Which in turn brings me to the subject I am telling you about tonight, or today, or whatever the hour and color. It’s the story of one of those perpetual survivors –an expert at being left behind._

_—The Book Thief, Markus Zusak_

 ---

She tells herself a lot of things the day she says yes to a room full of Rebellion agents.

If her life had taught her one thing it was to set realistic expectations. Isolation and disappointment were her sole companions during the many years since she'd lost her parents.

(She really did prefer to imagine Galen Erso was dead. It was easier than remembering his final words and wondering why he never came back.)

It was important to expect the worst at every turn. It kept her sharp and it kept her sane. Kept her heart a little colder and in a little less pain. It was easier this way.

Still, her heart leapt a little when this stranger with the dark hair and a sharp jaw asked her about her father. Stupid, she tells herself as she glares at the man. She hates this fight. It's lost her so many people. Whether they were stripped from her or left, fighting the Empire has always seemed like a luxury she could not afford. Survival has always been paramount.

She does not want to be a part of this. She should be silent, she should give them no reason to think she's anybody at all. What she should do, is run.

Of course, they know who her father is so that chance dies quickly. She tries to act like she knows nothing, but they see through her too quickly. The dark haired man watches her with keen eyes and keener questions. Eventually she states the truth, her father is working with the Empire. She hasn't seen him since he left. Then they ask about Saw Gerrera and she answers out of a pure puzzled reflex. He left too, just a few years later.

And suddenly these 'Rebellion leaders' are just expecting her to go along with their plan and take one of them to Saw Gerrera. Not that she had much choice, if she didn't work with the Rebellion they could throw her back to the Empire and if they got her, she would surely be dead. The tall, graceful woman says she can go free if she assists the Rebellion. She also says Jyn will go with the man who still watches her closely. She says his name is Cassian Andor.

She wants to brush them off. She wants to tell them where to stick their high minded ideals and less than high minded strategies in the field. She wants to say that if they have to send her back to Saw Gerrera it would go better if she went alone. She works best alone. Of course they wouldn't listen to any of it, so she keeps her mouth shut.

She will see Saw again and that will be that, then she will receive a precious measure of freedom. If she isn't being chased by the Rebellion there are planets where she can go with less fear. She tries not to dwell on the last time she saw Saw. Left alone in a dark basement with nothing, but the blaster in her hand. She waited two days before she realized he wasn't coming back.

In the present, she knows enough about Jedha to understand she can't rely on that man while they're there. She watches all the soldiers and pilots racing around the base. It's child's play to lift a blaster from the holster of a passing security guard. She tucks the thing away and asks a distracted pilot for directions.

When she finds the ship she's greeted by the droid that helped detain her.

The droid is definitely an odd one.

K-2SO reminds her of a petulant child who just happens to be scrap metal and seven feet tall. Their conversation is quickly interrupted when Captain Andor arrives to properly introduce her to the droid. He apologizes for the droid's bluntness. Apparently he says 'whatever comes into his circuits,' and then as if to prove it the droid asks,

“Why does she get a blaster and I don't?” and Jyn is so forcibly reminded of the few children she's known that she almost rolls her eyes. Meanwhile Cassian turns on her,

“What?” he asks.

“I know how to use it,” she says already anticipating the direction this conversation will take with irritation. He doesn't speak, he simply stares at her with an intensity she dislikes.

“That's what I'm afraid of. Give it to me,” he says, stepping forward with his hand outstretched. Just expecting her to give him the blaster. She wants to be annoyed, but she doesn't have the luxury for that either. She opts for reason instead.

“We're going to Jedha. It's a war zone.”

“That's not the point it--” Cassian begins and then interrupts himself, closing his eyes and exhaling.

“Where did you get that?” He asks and she wonders where his accent is from.

“I found it,” she says with all the casual innocence she can muster. Of course the droid has to speak up.

“I find that answer vague and unconvincing.”

Her grip on the blaster tightens like a reflex and she steels herself a little.

“Trust goes both ways,” she says and he looks between her and the gun for another long moment before turning away without a word. She watches him go, feeling both surprised and strangely grateful in equal measure.

As the droid spouts off the likelihood of her using her blaster on them, she finds a comfortable corner to settle into for the journey. Trust goes both ways she said.

Trust the Force, her mother said. Trust had never gotten her very far. How naive is this man that he still believes in such things? Trust is yet another luxury she can't afford. But she supposes it's good to know the flaws in her traveling companions. If he trusts the wrong person he could get them both killed.

Still. He let her keep the blaster. Another officer would force her to walk into Jedha unarmed and exposed. She clutches onto the blaster finding comfort in the familiar lines and grooves of it. She's also comforted by having her back against the wall. An old habit she learned from Saw Gerrera that she has yet to break. It brings her some peace to know nobody can get her from behind, the strangers are in front of her where she can keep an eye on them.

And she doesn't mean to fall asleep. She intends to stay on full alert. Being a member of the Rebellion means as little as being a member of the Empire. All beings are still flawed and she doesn't want to be caught in a vulnerable position.

But, the movement of the ship is so gentle and she has nothing else to do except sit.

She falls asleep.

When something jostles against her foot it startles her. She has her blaster aimed before she's even fully awake and it's just Cassian and the droid. They are both standing over her. Cassian has his hands loosely in the air with raised brows to match.

“I told you I could have woken her up,” the droid says flatly.

“Yes K-2, but I've been woken up by you I would not wish that on anybody else. Also, why give her a real reason to shoot us?” They continue to lightly bicker with each other, but both watch her as she catches her breath and lowers the blaster. As soon as it's tucked into her belt, Cassian lets his hands fall to his sides.

“Good, let's go.”

\---

When everything goes wrong, it happens very quickly. She spoke to a blind monk who somehow knew about her necklace and suddenly Cassian's dragging her away as Stormtroopers run in shooting.

Because, of course they do.

It's a good thing the Rebels didn't take her baton along with everything else. Judging by Cassian's expression she's guessing he didn't know she had another weapon. Luckily they're a little too busy for him to take her to task over it.

In a situation like this she knows what she needs to do. She knows how to do it. She's been in a hundred firefights before.

It never gets easier though.

When she sees the child sobbing for her mother, it's not a matter for consideration. There's never time for decisions when one could die at any moment, there is only time for only actions.

Jyn races out into the fray and stays low. She can hear Cassian calling her name, but there's no time to change her mind now that she's out in the open. She has to move fast while she has no cover. She's ready to haul the child to safety when another figure comes racing for them. She looks up at the girl's mother with something like a smile and a nod before letting the child run towards the woman and racing back for some kind of cover. She ends up behind a cruiser and she can't see Cassian, but she's searching the area for somewhere less exposed. An explosion behind her causes her to jump and look back. From across the courtyard, her eyes meet Cassian's and something in his eyes tells her he might have just saved her ass. He nods once before ducking out of sight and she manages to run for a more fortified area.

From there she sees the monk she spoke to step out into the fray, and for a moment her heart stops. But he speaks and moves with such certainty and soon she is watching slack jawed as the blind man dispatches eight stormtroopers with ease... And a little help from his large friend with the repeater canon. They didn't need to step into this fight, and part of her means to thank them for what feels like assistance.

There is barely time for her to approach and say something when Saw's men appear. She'll have to speak to the man and his companion later. Right now she stands straight and injects so much more confidence in her voice than what she currently feels. She demands to see Saw Gerrera and she tells them her name. It's enough to get bags thrown over their heads.

For a moment she thinks, they might be led to a firing squad, but she dismisses that quickly. Saw was like a father to her until he left. Right now, they are being led blindly through the city and she hears soft curses beside her in accented Basic. It shouldn't make her smile to find a chink in Cassian's semi-polished facade, but no one can see her, so she does a little.

Soon she is standing before Saw and he's aged so much since she last saw him. He was grizzled when she was a child, now he is just a collection of human parts held together by mechanical ones. The need for an oxygen mask strapped to his chest makes her ache a little.

“Is it really you?” he asks. “I don’t believe it…”

Jyn doesn't know what to say or how to say it. A million words and emotions sit on her tongue ready to be flung in this man's face. Saw frown's at her silence.

“Are we not still friends?” Jyn lets out a rough sound that could be mistaken for a laugh.

“I don't really know if we were ever friends Saw,” she says. She tries to ask him about the pilot. He's wary of her, but he does reveal the pilot brought him a message. A message from her father, and it's for her.

She thought the part of her that would feel something at the mention of her father had dried up long ago. Still, she feels a jolt as Saw tells her about the message. He sets it up and soon she's staring at the face she hasn't seen for years. The face that's filled so many of her dreams and nightmares.

Galen Erso looks more or less like she remembers him. His hair has been trimmed short and his face has more lines, but he stands as straight and tall as she remembers and speaks of a plan. A Starkiller that he helped build because that was the only way he could destroy it. The fatal flaw. The reactor that will blow with a single shot. He speaks of her, of missing her. He calls her Stardust.

She doesn't know when the tears begin to flow, but she's desperate and confused trying to reconcile 13 years of hurt and loneliness. Suddenly Cassian is there beside her. He's telling her they have to go and she can't feel anything at all. Not yet. The grief for the years she spent hating this man, the years she spent bitterly avoiding Saw and his people. All those years...suddenly feel _wasted._ Like everything she thought she knew just got violently upended. Now the ground is the sky and she's falling into space.

Cassian is yelling at her. Telling her they have to go _now._ She finally looks up and out the transparisteel she sees a tidal wave of destruction heading straight for them.

“Come with us,” she says to Saw, Cassian's run ahead shouting into his comlink. He looks back at her still standing in the doorway to Saw's hideout.

“If I can stand and face my death, and I will,” Saw tells her and now Cassian is back and dragging her towards their escape. She tries to pull away, but his grip on her arm is tight.

She looks back at Saw and hears his parting words.

“Save the Rebellion.. _._ _Save the dream_!” That is the last she will ever see of him, a small figure dwarfed by the crushing tumult around him.

Once they are aboard the ship Cassian is up at the controls yelling back and forth with the droid. She can feel the tug of gravity as they barely escape the shockwave of... She doesn't know what caused this. And yet, as she stares at the billowing cloud that's visible from space... She knows what did this.

The planet killer. The _Death Star._

Distantly, she realizes that the little girl she tried to save is dead now. So is her mother.

The whole city of Jedha is dead.

She sits for a moment and shuts her eyes. She takes some time to think and if a few tears slip down her cheeks, nobody says anything about it.

After what could be a few minutes or an hour they are back at warp and Jyn finally begins to observe their extra passengers. The blind monk and his companion made it out with them. The monk is reciting had been repeating some sort of mantra as they made their escape. _“I am one with the Force and the Force is with me. I am one with the Force and the Force is with me.”_ She wanted to sit down with them and get proper introductions, but she needed a minute to herself. Now, it's the third passenger who catches her attention. A small man with goggles pulled back onto his forehead and an Imperial patch on the sleeve of his jacket.

He's sitting across from her on the other say of the holding bay. She can see that he's got wide dark eyes and long hair that's escaping its ties to make messy tendrils at his cheeks. He seems...twitchy... Like he is incapable of stillness. He breathes too fast, his hands fidget, his eyes seem to dart around. He sees her watching, but rather than say something, he somehow shrinks into himself a little more.

“Are you the Imperial pilot?” She asks,

“The defector who brought Saw the message?”

He glances at her and his gaze skitters away again, moments later he replies,

“Yes.”

It's at that moment that it occurs to her that Saw had many unsavory methods of questioning. They don't know how long the pilot was held at his compound. And from here she can see red raw patches of skin around his neck. She winces inwardly a little at the memory of the man... Even though he doesn't feel like a memory yet.

She stands up and walks over to sit beside him.

“I'm Jyn... Jyn Erso.”

His eyes bug out a little at her name, but he manages to stutter out: “Bodhi Rook.”

They talk for a short time... He's a twitchy man, she wonders if he was always nervous or if his treatment at the hands of Saw Gerrera made him this way. After, she gets up and makes her way towards the other two. The blind man looks up at her approach with a smile.

"It's good of you to come and introduce yourself," he says and she opens her mouth once with no sound coming out.

"Ignore him, he likes to unsettle people," the heavier man says from his seat beside the blind monk.

"Chirrut Imwe," the blind man says, holding a hand out for her to shake. It's more formal than she's accustomed to, but she shakes his hand nonetheless. His grip is tight and his smile grows as she gently shakes his hand up and down once before letting go.

"And this is my partner, Baze Malbus," Jyn nods to him and he nods back. They make an odd pair. Chirrut is lithe like a dancer, clearly a slight man beneath those robes. Baze is built big and made bigger by the armor he wears. His hair is long and matted and obscuring much of his features beyond the watchful eyes of a Temple guardian. She wonders how they must feel about losing their home. 

"By partner, he means, the one saving his ass all the kriffing time," Baze mumbles and Chirrut laughs and takes his hand. His smile never wavers and it catches her off guard so she takes a moment before remembering she still hasn't told them her name.

"Jyn Erso," she says and they both nod to her once. Chirrut with that open smile and Baze with that closed expression. Chirrut is still holding his hand in such an open display of affection, she wonders at these two and their lives they must have led up to this point. But she has nothing more to say for the moment, so she finds a corner to sit in and think...

\---

Everything always goes so wrong so quickly.

She forgot to bring her father's message.

For a moment she can feel some life in her chest when she tells them she knows a way to destroy that _thing._

The Death Star.

She tells them her father's plan... Joy mixed with so many other emotions. She was wrong about her father... She was _so wrong._ All these years thinking what she saw that day, the years that led up to that day, somehow it meant nothing. Maybe he had changed or changed his mind, that is what she thought. Somehow she came to believe that love she had seen in her father's eyes was a lie. It had to have been a lie or else why did he never come looking for her?

Now she had an answer. He was lying... Just not to her.

Part of her wonders if this is a lie too.

Whatever the truth is she has to find him. She has to look him in the eye and then she'll know. That's what she needs to happen. This is how they go to Eadu.

This is how she witnesses her father's death

\---

Cassian refuses to let her come with them. He says she saw the message and that makes her the messenger. Even though everyone, even K-2SO can repeat the message back for him. He says she must stay.

When he steps out into the rain Chirrut says he is going to kill her father. He says The Force moves darkly around someone who is preparing to take a life.

She goes running out into the rain not knowing what her plan is. Part of her is still _so angry,_ she thinks she could kill her father herself. Part of her misses him so much she just wants to wrap her arms around him and cry until there's no tears left in her. She needs to see him, that's all she knows for sure. She will stand between him and Cassian if she has too. Whatever it takes. She will get her father and she will get answers.

She has to climb up the rocky cliff to get to the platform. She doesn't know where he would be in this installation, but first she has to climb. It's dark and the rain makes the stone slippery. Her fingers scrabble for purchase. A nail breaks bloody as she clings to the rocks, she hardly feels it. She can hardly feel anything other than the heavy wet of her clothes and the bone aching cold.

When she nears the top she can hear voices. She can see some crates above her. She can find her footing and stay out of sight. When her hands land on the flat top of the platform she can hear him.

She can hear her father.

He's pleading. He's saying 'these engineers didn't know.' Shots are fired and the silence after is deafening. She's finally got her feet under her, crouching behind the crates, and she peaks around to see.

Her father, on his knees. Head bowed.

He's right there if she can just get to him. But there are troopers everywhere and there's the only other face to walk through so many of her nightmares.

Krennic.

All in white like when she was a child.

He towers over her father with a weapon in his hands. He towers like the day he shot her mother.

She needs to act now while there's still time. She takes a deep breath, preparing herself to move. That when a ship appears overhead and bombs start dropping.

She doesn't even remember closing her eyes. She doesn't remember being thrown on her back by the force of the explosion. The platform cracks beneath the force of it and she leaves bloody streaks as she scrabbles for purchase. Finally, she is up and her ears are ringing, but she searches through the bodies and the fires. She finds him lying still on the platform.

She is not thinking, she is acting.

She grabs him, holds him.

“Father? Father?” she asks, shaking him and fearing he will remain still as death. But his eyes open and he sees her. Somehow, even though she barely recognizes herself anymore, he knows her instantly. He touches her cheek and calls her Stardust. She can barely hear him over the ringing in her ears, but he says he loves her very much and then he says nothing at all.

Her mind can't compute. She can't comprehend what her eyes are seeing. Suddenly Cassian is there,

“Jyn, we have to go.” He is pulling at her, trying to pull her away.

“They'll be coming back. Come on, Jyn come on.”

The words clog in her throat.

Her father is dead. She is holding a corpse.

He pries her cold fingers open and once again, a warm hand holding her arm a little too tight and pulling her away. It strikes her from a distance, this is the second time Cassian pulls her away from the corpses of the only family she has.

The only family she has _left._ There is no one else now. She is alone.

These thoughts rattle around in her mind as Cassian guides her down the cliffs and back towards their ship.

This is all she can think for a long time until a new thought enters her mind.

Those ships... Those bombs.

Those were Alliance ships.

She long since lost all sensation. She doesn't feel the cold, she doesn't notice the way she shivers from it. Walking is mechanical. She hardly notices putting one foot in front of the other until that moment.

She stops walking. The cold seeps into veins.

“Jyn, come _on_ ,” Cassian mutters, but she shakes her head.

“I'm not coming with you.” she says and he stares at her.

“What are you talking about?”

“I will not get on that ship with you,” she says and in the dark, she watches the look on his face as he stares at her. She is cold now, analytical. She watches for the lies she knows she will find in his eyes.

“What? Why?”

“You killed him,” she says. And she's holding so much back as he sighs and takes a step towards her

“You don't know what you're talking about.” There's the lie.

“The Rebellion wanted you to kill him.” She wants to hear him admit it.

“Jyn, you're in shock. Come inside.” He is _lying._

“The Rebellion wanted my father dead and you killed him.” She's getting angrier now.

“Jyn you're upset, let's get inside.” She feels something inside her snap like a bone breaking.

“Don't talk to me like a child, those were Rebel ships Cassian.” This is the truth. She saw it.

“Jyn, you don't understand, I had my orders,” he says and she almost laughs in his face.

“What don't I understand? You following orders? So were they,” she throws a hand out, pointing back the way they came.

“My _father_ was just following orders and he tried to save the galaxy while he was at it,” she get's right in his face, one finger jabbing at his chest. This fury is the first warm thing she's felt in hours. She can see it in his eyes when the mask comes off. When he speaks next, it is with an anger that matches her own.

“I did not kill your father. I had my hand on the trigger, but _I did not kill him._ I called off the Rebel ships, but _they didn't listen_.”

That stops her. He tried to call them off.

He should have tried harder, she thinks before she says,

“Well, I guess they were just following their orders... You're all no better than storm troopers,” she says and her voice cracks just a little. The one crack in the foundation. The words burn her tongue a little as she says them. But they achieve an effect. He steps forward getting in her space and staring down at her with a soft rage that reminds her of thunderstorms like the one raging overhead.

“Listen to me Jyn, you're not the only one whose lost here. I've been fighting for the Rebellion since I was 6 years old. I--” he abruptly cut himself off.

“You're not the only one who has lost things,” he says again and storms back towards the ship.

She watches him go and finds she has nothing left to say. She thought she would, but the only thing she feels is hollow and used up. Empty and cold.

Baze is the one who steps off the ship and guides her inside. It's a different ship from the one they crashed to get here. She walks like she's blind and maybe that's why Baze presses on her shoulders when she stands beside Chirrut. She comes to herself in that moment and shakes him off. She goes to Bodhi.

He's told her about meeting Galen. About becoming his friend and believing in him enough to desecrate what the Empire had taught him.

“Galen's dead,” she tells him and the words are raw.

“I know... I-I'm sorry...” even his words quiver as he says them. She considers them too. She considers the image of him, clean and more or less happy as a pilot with the Empire, as opposed to the twitchy tangled man sitting before her.

“I'm sorry too... You said he was your friend.” She really feels nothing at all as she says these things. Cassian was at least right when he said she was in shock. This must be what shock feels like... Except she's not surprised... She's nothing at all.

“He was my friend,” Bodhi agrees and she never knew the word friend could sound so broken until now.

“...He was my friend...” he says again, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He murmurs the words again and they break a little more each time he says them. She stands beside him and lets one hand rest softly in his hair. It seems like the thing to do... It feels right... Bodhi let's her run gentle fingers through his hair while his shoulders shake with silent sobs.

After a few minutes she looks up to see Chirrut is watching her... As much as a blind man can watch someone... There's no other word to describe the way his face is turned up towards her, like he's observing her. She goes and sits beside him, like Baze had intended before.

Chirrut smiles and it's the gentlest thing. For a man so good at violence, he seems like the kindest man she has ever met. She's still shaking and is a little startled when a blanket comes to rest over her shoulders. She doesn't know where Baze found it or why he is giving it to her, but she looks up at him and whispers a soft thank you. He only inclines his head and goes to sit next to Bodhi. He says nothing to the pilot, he just sits and solemnly listens as Bodhi cries.

Beside her Chirrut rests a hand on her knee and asks,

“Are you sad for your father's death, or for the words you didn't get to say to him before he passed?” he says it so calmly, the same way he asked about her necklace. She stares at him, her mouth hanging open. All at once her eyes fill with tears and he pats her knee with a kindly knowledge that the answer to both is yes and to so many more questions he didn't need to ask.

From there he begins to tell her stories. Legends passed down at the Temple. Stories of him and Baze and their time on Jedha. Eventually she takes his hand from her knee and holds onto it because she wants to hold something. She's only half listening to his stories because her mind is going in every direction at once, but his voice is calming and after an hour her eyes begin to droop and his hand retreats from hers.

“That corner over their will make a good resting place until we land.” He points across the room to a corner buffered by crates and the corrugated floor changes to smooth tiles there. She can just manage a soft “thank you,” which hardly encapsulates her appreciation. He didn't need to do that anymore than Baze needed to give her a blanket. Baze is still sitting beside Bodhi, who must have cried himself into something like sleep. His head rests on Baze's shoulder and Baze sits straight and tall, letting him rest there while he watches her and Chirrut.

She nods to him and he nods back. Then she goes to the corner, Chirrut was absolutely right that the spot was perfect. She curled up and slept, for now letting the emptiness consume her with relief.

\---

She dreams of cities imploding like stars becoming black holes. She dreams of death and her father. She dreams of an evil man wearing white.

When she opens her eyes, she can hear Cassian telling them, they're landing on Yavin IV in a few minutes. And she thinks.

Her father is dead. Saw Gerrera is dead. Her mother, dead. The city of Jedha is dead.

The Empire is responsible and so is Krennic.

She can't truly feel her grief yet. There isn't time for it. She can feel it like a distant earthquake, or a shockwave that's still miles from reaching her. In that moment she decides.

She will do what her father couldn't. She will get the Death Star plans and she will kill Krennic. Her father's revenge can be hers and maybe... Just _maybe..._ That will be enough to close the gaping wound that she's now carrying.

She isn't going to do this for Alliance or for the cause. She will do this for herself because it's what needs to be done and she needs to be the one to do it. Once they've landed, she briefly meets Cassian's eyes as she steps off the ship. In that moment she thinks of thunderstorms and a turbulent ocean. She thinks he looks sadder than she feels which she can't quite understand.

But she's off to meet with leaders of the Rebellion, to make her case and she doesn't have time to understand the remorse in his eyes.

\---

A reasonable part of her understands why they don't listen. A small logical part of her knows she wouldn't trust the strange girl who ostensibly 'joined their cause' only days ago.

And she would have said anything to get them to listen. She _did_ say anything. She said a lot of things in that room and maybe she accidentally quoted Cassian when she said Rebellion's are built on hope... She's not sure, but she was ready to say anything to have their support for this mission. Their troops and their ships would be enough to make this a reasonable goal rather than an impossible one.

When she leaves the room knowing why they didn't listen and still feeling bereft and full of something else that's impotent and _wants,_ she stands with Bodhi, Baze, and Chirrut.

“She wants to fight,” Chirrut says. The blind man being somehow the most observant of them all.

“We all want to,” Bodhi says

“How many do we need?” Baze asks and Jyn swallows thinking, _too many._

That's when she turns and sees…

Cassian approaches her with close to twenty men. He has something like a smile on his face when he asks if this will be enough and she finds herself smiling back, lost and incredulous. Twenty men can't possibly be enough... But she dares to hope...  _It's better than 4_ , she thinks. Maybe, they might _actually be able to do this._

She says it will be enough and Cassian sends them all on their way to prepare. Then he walks up to her, his eyes still crinkling at the corners, his smile is crooked and bright. She remembers the remorse and thinks this must be an apology.

It's more than she can possibly repay.

“I'm not used to people sticking around when things go bad,” she tells him and it surprises her a little to say it aloud. Again, she sees that sadness in him for just a moment. It passes quickly and he leans over to say,

“Welcome home.”

He walks away, presumably to prepare and get supplies, leaving her to stare after him in wonder.

\---

On the flight to Scariff she finds herself sitting next to Chirrut again. Earlier, she faced all these men and women who were helping her on this mission. It was _her_ mission. She felt like she was leading them, and she wasn't sure of the destination. She tried to say some inspiring words. Remembering Chirrut's mantra she was sure to add

“May the Force be with us.”

Now she's sitting beside the monk once again, that warm hand like an anchor on her knee to keep her here and present. She needs that because if she thinks too hard about what they are about to do, she thinks she might fly apart. It's her father's revenge. It's her mission. She _has_ to do this.

She's more than a little scared of it though.

Chirrut is talking to her again. She doesn't know how he knows, but he seems to understand in a way that defies logic. He just _knows_ that she needs something to listen to, to keep her from getting mired in her own head. Her hands are trembling in her lap and she hopes nobody notices.

She listens to his story. It's one about the early days when he came to the temple on Jedha as an initiate and had not yet learned it's halls and corners. He had gotten hopelessly lost and that's how he met Baze, wandering the halls in the middle of the night trying to find the refresher. The tremors in her hands ease a little while she finds herself imaging Chirrut and Baze together as younger men in a sweeter time. Eventually she tucks her hands in the pockets of her jacket and settles in to listen. The story ends and suddenly Chirrut looks up and says,

“Cassian, why don't you come join us.” She startles a little and looks up to see Cassian is indeed standing there, watching them. He smiles and it's not the same smile as before. This one's a little smoother. She wonders if he's nervous too and trying to hide it.

He settles on Jyn's other side and Chirrut cocks his head to the left with a small frown.

“I think I ought to check on Baze, if you'll excuse me,” he says with that same unflappable smile for both of them. Jyn smiles back. She hardly knows the man, but she likes him. His ease and his kindness are an anomaly to her, but one she is coming to appreciate.

They both watch Chirrut's measured stride towards the other end of the ship where Baze is sitting and checking his weapons for what has to be the fifth time since they left Yavin IV.

Neither of Jyn or Cassian speak for a long moment, simply watching as Chirrut stands beside Baze and says something they can't hear. Baze appears to chuckle over whatever it is as he continues in his work. It feels incongruous in how calm and easy they are with each other with their wildly different personalities. And yet anyone could see how they go together like a matched set.

Sitting beside her, Cassian appears to be equally content to watch those around them with that careful consideration he seems to apply to everything in his life... Unless she manages to provoke him into... She doesn't want to think about Eadu. She regrets what she said more or less and she guesses he must as well. Why else could he possibly be doing all this for her? She hadn't even thanked him for technically saving her life twice.

“Thank you... For helping me do this,” she says softly, looking down because she's not sure she can look at him while being this honest. From the corner of her eye, she sees him glance at her before saying,

“Jyn, what we're doing... It could save the Rebellion.”

“Nobody else seemed to think so,” she pulls her hands from her pockets to fidget with a loose thread on the cuff of her sleeve. Stillness doesn't come naturally to her anymore than it does to Bodhi.

“They just weren't paying enough attention,” he flaps a hand and she guesses that he's aiming for humor. But she can't joke this away. This isn't a favor she can repay. This is a debt she will have to balance one day and it deserves more than a casual attempt at gratitude. She forces herself to look him in the eye and let him see what's there.

“Thank you for believing me.” He meets her gaze and seems to accept her words. He nods gravely and says,

“Your welcome.”

And then she can't help it. She smiles at him. It's the most honest exchange she's probably had in years and it's with this man who is helping her to achieve the thing that might allow her to feel whole again. The man who told her she was home and she's still too scared to truly believe the warmth she feels when he smiles back. There's too much at stake to wonder if this means anything. She hasn't had a real family for years and she forgot what friendship felt like. She never did sexual relationships or had the time for romantic ones. She's been alone for years and having people beside her is a new feeling.

But she thinks it's a feeling she could get used to... A feeling she could cherish.

For a moment she feels like she belongs. After that they don't speak, they simply sit and watch the stars sliding past the transperisteel in streaks, and their fellow passengers preparing for their arrival on Scariff.

She thinks about her father and about how long he must have spent in that horrible place, just to ensure a chance of survival against the Empire. She tries to imagine the feeling of completing the mission and knowing it's over. She wants that _thing,_ that _abomination_ that her father was forced to build to be nothing, but dust. Stardust even. She wants to be there to see it happen and know that all the years of misery and loneliness were worth it because that Death Star will be removed from existence and she will be the one who did it.

Even if she isn't the one pulling the trigger. If she can get these plans to the Rebellion than it may as well be her hand on that trigger. Whoever strikes the final blow, it will be her blow as well.

She lets her mind wander between these vicious musings and wondering at the man beside her... At some point she falls asleep. She sleeps and for once has no dreams.

When she wakes up, her head is resting on Cassian's shoulder and he is jostling her with a gentle hand.

“Jyn, we're here... It's time.”

\---

Everything always goes so wrong so quickly.

She left K-2SO with her second blaster. The droid took it like a gift. He told her that she continued to defy his expectations... And for a statistical analysis droid it felt like a compliment. It warmed her enough to smile up at him a little.

It warms her enough to make her ache when he's destroyed.

“Stardust... K-2 look up Stardust!” she says breathlessly when they are in the data storage facility.

“Why Stardust?” Cassian asks and she looks up at him with bright eyes.

“Stardust is me,” she says and for a moment he looks at her with hope and a smile. That's when they hear gunfire ring through the comms and the blast doors close.

“You're going to have to climb,” K-2 says and she stares at Cassian, knowing what an Empire droid sounds like as it's failing. They're both frozen with the shock of it until the K-2 manages a final crackling “ _goodbye,”_ And the blast doors are sealed shut.

“ _K!_ ” Cassian yells and she knows exactly what this feels like, but there's no time for either of them to feel it. They have to climb.

She shoots through the glass and they change out of their bulky Imperial uniforms into the more comfortable clothes underneath.

Then she jumps first, banging her head against the data tower with the force of her jump, but she digs her scabbed fingers in. There will be time to bacta them later. For now she climbs to the side, giving Cassian the space to leap across. He does and her heart jumps a little, watching him do it. Nervous for him more than herself, which is a feeling she's not accustomed to.

Bodhi stopped answering the comms awhile ago... They aren't going to talk about that either. They can't think about how Chirrut and Baze are doing. They can only climb.

She reaches the illuminated disk first and wraps a hand around it and tugs with all her might. It takes more effort and when it finally comes loose, she swings out, smacking against the data tower with the momentum of it. She sees Cassian beneath her, an arm outstretched like his reflex is to try and catch her. It almost makes her smile down at him once she's regained her hold and clipped the schematics disk to her belt.

That's the moment when a door neither of them saw lifts open.

“Jyn, look out!” Cassian shouts as he yanks out his blaster and starts shooting. The laser fire creates enough smoke that Jyn can climb sideways out of the range of their blasters, with Cassian providing cover fire. One shot cuts deep into her thigh, but it's not vital, she can keep moving. Cassian even manages to take down a death trooper in the racket and as she watches the black suit fall they share a triumphant grin. Then he gets hit.

The whole thing happens like slow motion that's over in an instant. A blaster shot through his shoulder makes him lose his grip on the tower and then he's falling.

“ _Cassian!_ ” she screams as she watches him fall. His body smacks against one beam and then another before it lands on a small platform. She stares down at him... He doesn't move.

She wants to cry, but there's no time. If she fails, then all of this will be for nothing and he must be dead from a fall like that. She bites her lip until it bleeds, but she keeps climbing. Pulling herself up one rung at a time. Occasionally she glances down at the still figure. A small spot growing smaller as she climbs.

For a moment she belonged and it was with him and K-2 and Bodhi... Chirrut and Baze... They are probably all gone now. Maybe she won't survive to see the Death Star destroyed, but she will finish what she started or die trying.

\---

She faces the man from her nightmares with a vicious grin on her face because the plans are uploading and she has completed what she set out to do. The man is equally vicious. He's saying she lost, but she knows Bodhi came through. Bodhi would have gotten the message out. The shields must be lowered. Somewhere out there, somebody  _will_ receive this signal if she can just get to that panel.

“You lost,” she tells him and he grins like he's baring his teeth.

“The only thing I lost is _time._ There's nobody out there receiving that signal. Now, it's time for you to join your father.” He raises his blaster and Jyn can do nothing, but shut her eyes and wait for it to happen. The shot rings out, but she remains standing. She opens her eyes and sees Krennic on the ground, shot through the shoulder. Behind him an exhausted, pale, very much alive Cassian stands with his blaster aimed. He's leaning against a pillar like it's the only thing keeping him standing.

“Cassian!” She says again, this time its with joy instead of fear. He grins back looking so tired and so wonderfully alive. She looks back at Commander Krennic and makes a move towards him, but he reaches out, grabbing her by the arm with a poorly hidden grimace.

“Leave him,” he says and she looks up at him for a moment thinking of her dream, of taking Krennic down permanently... Maybe this is a better dream. Leaving him to see his work turn to dust. It will have to be enough because she needs to make sure. She goes back to the console and confirms the plans are fully uploaded. She hits 'Send' and then returns to Cassian.

She looks at him and he looks at her and there's a moment of pure joy.

They did it.

Without a word she steps in, taking his arm over her shoulder and for a moment it feels like she's saying thank you again without saying it out loud. He doesn't say anything, but a small sigh escapes him as he lists a little. In her mind, it means ' _your welcome,_ ' and she's able to carry the weight for a time.

“Do you think anybody is listening?” He asks and she nods. Somebody has to be. They both need to believe that.

They pause to look at the Commander still lying prone on the platform. She turns away first with a quiet,

“Come on,” and he does. She holds him up as they find their way out.

She takes them to the elevator and they ride it down to the ground floor. There's no light beyond what slips in between the grating. They only see brief flashes of each other as the light slides by.

“Do you think any of the others made it?” She asks, her voice soft in the dark, and he hesitates for a moment before telling her the facts she already knows.

“Bodhi stopped answering his comms before we lost them. I don't know about Chirrut and Baze.” She nods and looks away... She supposes they can only work with what they know... They may not get the chance to learn more. She wants to imagine the others survived.

It's when they reach the ground floor and the outdoors that they see what almost looks like another planet approaching in the sky. They trade glances. An unspoken agreement to keep going.

They walk past where their ship was. It's nothing, but rubble and bodies. Both of them pause to stare at the destruction. There's no more movement, no more fighting, none left standing. Jyn led them here and they died for her mission. She didn't know most of them, but she has to imagine they deserved more than this.

Bodhi must be in the ruins of that ship... She can't even tell if it's their ship... It's unrecognizable. So much death for one little disc she carried clipped to her belt. Cassian's voice shakes her from her reverie.

“They didn't die for nothing. You sent the plans, you completed the mission. Millions of people will live because of what they did... What we did.” He almost sounds like he believes it. But he forgot one more person,

“Because of my father,” she adds, still staring out at all the destruction she brought here before she looks up at him. He's still here beside her. As stormy as the skies around them and steady as the tides.

\---

The ship is gone, and so are their comms. They have no way to contact the Rebel ships in orbit. The planet has now grown to eclipse the whole horizon. They're heading towards the beach as it fires off a green blast. In the distance they can see the tower they left behind vanish in a plume of blinding light. Both of them have to shut their eyes to the sight of it.

As the light becomes its own sun and smoke begins to cloud out the sky bathing everything in the golden glow of its destruction, they finally reach the beach.

She tries to let Cassian down gently, her knees buckle and they both collapse into the sand. She looks at him in time to see him flashes her something of a smile.

In the distance the light and smoke start to coalesce like a new planet being born from the ashes of the old. They are about to become those ashes. Her namesake feels almost prophetic now since she will be nothing, but in a matter of minutes.

She's too tired to feel anything, but a distant sense of completion and an acceptance that the end is moments away.

“Your father would have been proud,” Cassian says, looking at her with that gentle gaze that could have meant home in time. She smiles past the tears in her eyes as she looks away from it to see him.

She wants to say something. Something meaningful. She wants her last words to matter as the horizon eats up the sky. But there's nothing to say. She hopes this would be enough for Galen Erso. She thinks maybe at least he can truly rest now. And of course, there's a version where none of them die. In a million iterations there are a precious few where they survive. This is the version they're in now.

It's chaos around them. This is how worlds begin. It's elemental. Life beginning and ending in tandem. A never ending cycle that's as dependable as the ocean waves lapping at her knees. She's not sure if she's happy or sad to die... Maybe she's in shock again... She thinks it's fear she feels the most.

Things always go so wrong so quickly and when he takes her hand, she clutches it like a lifeline. The warmth turns hotter to burning as the wave comes closer. She's shaking as she reaches out and he draws her into an embrace. She can feel his hands gripping her arms too tightly. She hangs on just as tight as the wave is still closing in.

It startles her when he seems to melt in her arms, his head slipping to rest against her neck and his arms slowly going slack. Unconsciousness is stealing him first and a piece of her is glad he won't feel it.

The wind is picking up and she thinks it's the shockwave until there's a metallic thunk behind her.

A small figure stands on the ramp of their ship.

“ _Come on, we need to go now!”_ Bodhi Rook yells and Jyn Erso stares at the unexpected savior of the day.

 _"Let's go!"_ He shouts and softly Jyn replies.

" _Okay."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY So this was my attempt to...readjust the movie enough to develop Jyn a little better. I love the movie but it did take some bending over backwards to justify her very sudden turn into die hard revolutionary.  
> Also why yes this has now become a some or everybody survives so we can stick them in A New Hope fic....I'm not sure how much of the Rogue One crew has survived beyond Bodhi, Cassian, and Jyn and also I am not super familiar with extended Star Wars canon. If I pull lore from other fics or out of my ass i will let you know.  
> Cheers!


	3. Make This Chaos Count(Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm real tired I'm going to go over this again in the morning but I really wanted to get this out there.  
> Also recreating scenes from a movie you saw once from memory and whats available on Youtube is hard. Thank you other ficwriters with better memories and also wikipedia.

 

 _Make my messes matter._  
_Make this chaos count._  
_Let every little fracture in me_  
_shatter out loud._

_—Jupiter, by Sleeping at Last_

_\---_

He doesn't know why Galen Erso, the Empire's top engineer decided to sit beside him in the dining hall. He doesn't know why Galen made attempts at casual conversation. Had he known from the start? Had he been watching for a loner like Bodhi, who might listen? How had he known that Bodhi still had a beating heart beneath the Imperial insignia on his jacket? It was a toss up in any Imperial base. Storm Troopers were conditioned to lack compassion, but Trooper's weren't the only ones.

Many had been yanked from the Academy like him. It had been good money and Jedha was occupied territory which limited his opportunities to working for the Empire or breaking the law. His family was as close to destitution as any of them were on that planet and for a while being able to send them credits had been enough.

But one sees things when they work for the Empire... Things that should never even _be._ Crimes against fellow beings that were unwarranted and undeserved. He learned quickly to keep his head down and hope the Empire would one day soften or its subjects would just submit... He didn't mind keeping his head down if it meant he and his family survived. His mom and sister back on Jedha were able to eat a little better with the funds he wired them once a month. The vids from them were almost enough to make up for the fact that he was never allowed the time to go and see them in person.

It was all enough...but _barely._

And so Galen struck up a conversation with him one day. Totally innocuous... They all served the Emperor after all didn't they? At least that's what Galen said when Bodhi asked why he was having this casual conversation with a measly cargo pilot.

That was how it began. Innocuous conversations in the dining hall. Whatever Galen saw, whenever he began to plan, Bodhi always wondered but never knew. Galen couldn't give a straight answer to a hard line. Too much time in the Empire, perhaps.

So they talked. It started with the usual small talk topics. Work stuff, then that turned to family. The first time he spoke of Jyn, was the first time he saw Galen looking truly alive.

Then one day the older man asks him,

“Do you like the Empire?”

His answer is bumbling, inarticulate, and a poor attempt to hide the fact that his true answer is a harsh _no._ He knows what it’s like to live in occupied territory. He’s grown up under the Empire’s boot and he knows what it’s like to grow up crushed. The only thing keeping him here is the fact that his family needs this money to survive. That and the knowledge that one does not ‘quit’ working for the Empire. To leave, he would have to either run or die.

But whatever he says must be enough. Soon after that he begins meeting Galen privately at the older man’s quarters. It’s justifiable by the hours they spent together in public. People know of their friendship. It’s odd by Imperial standards, but Galen is already viewed as an eccentric, and so he’s allowed his oddities.

Meeting alone just means they can talk more openly. Not completely since Galen implies early on that he suspects the room is bugged. But still, the meetings are quiet affairs. Just the two of them talking, as a high ranking official Galen is allowed certain privileges, including food beyond the bland protein cubes the Empire feeds to most of it’s underlings. He always makes sure to have something for Bodhi, whether its a sandwich with fresh bread or a piece of fresh fruit, Bodhi always takes what he is given and wonders why any of this is being offered to him at all. But he’s so starved in every way. Starved for sustenance or basic contact. A life in the Empire’s service is a cold one and he finds himself yearning for these meetings for more reasons than he can name.

Galen is definitely an oddity for an Imperial. He has a face made of contradictions. Too many hardened lines, but the eyes are inexplicably kind... Far too kind to have survived in the Empire this long. And he _listen_ _s_ _._ He listens like nobody else, his attention is rapt and laser focused. When Bodhi talks, he leans forward and lets Bodhi see his responses. There is nothing hidden in his words. Whether it’s a nod, or a smile, or the need to look away to hide a little of the sadness that mirrors Bodhi’s own.

And when it’s reversed and Galen is talking and telling him stories, little shards of what once was a full life, Bodhi hangs onto every word. It’s a strange friendship they share, born out of desperation and isolation, but it’s a tight one.

When the day comes that Galen looks at him like he’s sizing him up, or preparing himself for something. He motions at Bodhi for a moment with their agreed signal for quiet. Then he presses a button that seems to be hidden in his sleeve, trying to mask the motion by toying with his cuff. He leans back in his seat and his posture is casual. There is nothing to betray what he’s saying.

“I’m quite certain they have stopped monitoring me too closely, but I prefer to be careful. I’ve dampened the audio feeds from the room, but they’ll come back on in a few minutes so...” his face gives away nothing, but he leans forward resting his elbows on his knees. It all looks so relaxed, but for the question he’s asking,

“How would you feel if you knew the Empire was building a weapon that could destroy whole planets?”

Bodhi doesn't know how to respond... With all their signals and signs he understood that they were prepared to keep secrets, but the amount of planning, a single button giving them true privacy for only a few minutes and then the question itself...

 _Entire planets?_ He wonders, his mind rejecting the notion out of hand. Then again, he knows there is no limits to the Empire and how much mercy it lacks. His mind is temporarily lost in imagining the horror of so much gone in a single instant. It makes his stomach turn. He finally looks up at the other man with wide eyes and shakes his head in reply.

The next question cuts even deeper.

“How would you feel about trying to stop it?”

Bodhi gapes while the other man watches him with quiet, thoughtful eyes... Or maybe watchful ones.

He knows that both of them had been testing the waters for months. Even if they are friends, they both know that Imperials are supposed to be above such things. Friends reported friends to their superiors all the time for an ill spoken word or sometimes less. The Emperor is supposed to have their ultimate loyalty. Each careful truth they share is like dipping a toe into boiling water and trying not to get burned.

Little admissions about discontent with this life lead to bigger and bigger bouts of honesty.

“I hate my job”

“I don't trust the Empire.”

“I think the Emperor is wrong.”

“I regret what I've done for them, and what I've turned my back on.”

“I do not want to build what they are asking me to build... But I have no choice.”

Until the day he asks if Bodhi would want to stop them… If he wants to make things right... And of course the answer is yes. He says it so fast it leaves him shaken to his core.

“Yes. A-absolutely I would want to make things right if I could.”

And Galen smiles at him. A true smile, and a sad one.

“Let me tell you about a man I knew named Saw Gerrera.”

\---

The picture Galen Erso paints is a vivid one. The life he had and the wife he lost and the daughter he left behind with the one man he trusted, Saw Gerrera.

Lyra knew him through a friend she dared not name and they both begged him to help them escape. Their acquaintance was short. The time it took for him to transport them to Lah'mu. In that time he understood that Saw was doing this because it meant removing the Empire's top engineer. He also understood that Saw was the one person he knew who was untouched by the Empire's influence.

Krennic would never stop looking for him so he asked Saw to watch out for their daughter, should the worst come to pass. The man was already war hardened and didn't need to grant favors to the man who nearly helped build their destruction. Still, he agreed.

Galen tells him that he knows very few 'good men' and Saw is the last of them.

From there a plan is formed. Already, most of the pieces are in place. Galen had been planning this for years, he said. He’s going to record a message, in the message he will tell Saw Gerrera about the plans for the weapon, _the Death Star,_ and that the plans will be located on Scariff.

Bodhi is not in the room when he records the message, he’s simply handed the holo-disc after it’s done. The plan is that he will wait for his next supplies run and he will abandon his mission to head for Jedha. He knows how to disable the trackers embedded in every Imperial ship so once he is far enough away from the base, he can simply disappear.

He knows his mother and sister are far from the base... He also knows that the Empire knows where they live... He hopes nothing will happen to them. He hopes he might get the chance to see them again, after delivering the message.

That’s the plan. Deliver the message to Saw Gerrera on Jedha.

That’s the plan

\---

Once he knows Bodhi is on his side, Galen makes sure to impress upon him... What will happen if he fails.

“They would never stop at one planet. Billions of lives will be destroyed in a matter of days. The Empire will make sure that so many planets will _burn..._ This is what will happen if you fail.” He says it slowly, watching Bodhi with that calm unshakable gaze. It makes him nervous, but at the same time, Bodhi understands that years of planning are now riding entirely on _him._ He doesn't blame Galen for feeling like he needs to make the consequences clear. Of course they are more than clear... They're alarming in the extreme.

Bodhi has never been responsible for _anything._ At least anything big like this.

It strikes him funny that the most important thing he will ever do, is just a delivery like all the others.

He just wants to do something _right._

\---

“I _told_ you. I-I'm an Imperial pilot. I've defected and I have a message for Saw Gerrera,” he says on his knees where strange hands shoved him to the ground. He's been repeating himself for what feels like the one hundredth time, because he cannot understand why nobody is _listening._ He's repeating it again for a grizzled old man with dark skin and an oxygen mask strapped to his chest.

“I am Saw Gerrera,” he replies and Bodhi lets out a gusty sigh of relief.

“ _F-finally_ , I have a message for you from Galen Erso.” He holds up the holo-disc and Saw stares down at him.

“What's the message?” he asks and his voice is wheezy and rough. He speaks like a person being held by the throat.

“Galen said you should watch the message, b-but there's a weapon the E-Empire has almost finished building. It s-should be ready to test in a matter of days and it can destroy p-planets,” he stutters when he speaks too quickly and he always speaks too quickly. He curses the stutter now, Galen said he might need to gain Saw's trust and people have been telling him for years the stutter makes him sound dodgy. Saw is still watching him. Unmoving, unblinking. Bodhi wants to fidget beneath that towering gaze, but he forces himself to stare back. Finally Saw speaks,

“Take him to Bor Gullet.”

\---

“ _I'm just the pilot!”_

He remembers the passage of time in pieces.

_"Bor Gullet can feel your thoughts. No lie is safe”_

He can still feel it spreading web-like tendrils through his mind. That thing taking root.

“ _Bor Gullet will know the truth.”_

His mom taught him how plants grow.

The roots grow. They grow and grow until they crack the ground itself. Over time they can even break stone.

“ _The unfortunate side-effect is that one tends to lose one's mind”_

His mind is not stone. It takes no time at all for the cracks in his foundation to grow.

“ _I'm just the pilot,” he keeps saying it, but nobody is listening as his mouth gags out the words on a loop._

He's lost in the fragments. Has it been hours or weeks since they put him in this cell? Was he forced in with Bor Gullet more than once?

Time is fragmented.

“ _I'm just the pilot.”_

He remembers things like they lost all context.

His mother taught him how plants grow.

“ _This is what will happen when you fail.”_

“ _I'm just the pilot.’_

“ _I'm the pilot.’_

The roots grew until the stone cracked around them and he is not stone.

“ _I'm the pilot.’_

He just wanted to make things right.

“ _This is what will happen if you fail.”_

\---

“I'm the pilot... I'm the pilot...”

He's been sitting, rocking back and forth. The words have lost all meaning, but he keeps saying them. There are voices nearby, but he hardly hears them over the roots. Voices raised in disagreement, but they are far away.

“Hey, _hey!_ ” a voice is suddenly much closer.

“Are you the pilot? The Imperial pilot?” the voice has an unusual accent.

“I'm the pilot… Yes...”

“Bodhi Rook, your Bodhi Rook.”

That takes him a moment. It feels like the roots are still there, but he had to step over them to get there…

“Bodhi... That's me... I'm the pilot.”

From there the voice went away to talk with the other voices. Bodhi hasn't managed to unlock himself from his spot, curled up in the corner.

“We're going to get you out of here,” the voice comes back to say just that and leaves again. Leaves him to his one thought... The one thing he knows for sure.

‘ _I'm the pilot.’_

\---

It turns out, pointing a gun at him is enough to get him on his feet. 

The ground starts shaking and the noise gets too loud for him to think anything at all. He hears the accented voice shout and sees a figure running off.

Now there is a man pointing a gun at him. He's a big man with a big gun. The sight of it is enough to turn on the most basic instinct which is panic. He jumps to his feet with his hands in the air and tears in his eyes.

The giant man only speaks one word.

“Move _.”_

And Bodhi _does_ _._

The man blasts the cell door and reaches inside to grab Bodhi by the arm. He keeps a tight grip and starts running, leaving Bodhi no choice, but to follow. Another man runs beside him. Tall, thinly built like a willow tree and his eyes are white as clouds.

They’re running with a blind man.

The blind man seems better suited to the running than Bodhi.

He’s practically tripping over his own feet, but the big man doesn't seem to care much about it. He just clamps tight on his arm and drags until they all reached outside the building. Bodhi can’t think, he doesn't understand. Is he still being tortured? Is Bor Gullet making him see things?

The ground rises in a wave that blots out the sky and it shakes beneath their feet. After a breath the man is running again and Bodhi runs with him.

“We have to get to the ship!” A voice screams over the din. It’s the accented voice from before. It belongs to a man with sharp features and sharp eyes, he’s tugging a girl behind him. She’s pulling like she wants to go back, but he isn't letting her.

That's when Bodhi notices the ship with its ramp down, waiting for them. A droid stands there managing to look impatient without even moving. Everybody leaps up the ramp and the accented man slams it shut behind them before racing to the cockpit with the droid.

He stares out at the wall of dust and earth that’s fast approaching. He can see it from the transparisteel windows. The girl watches it too as the ship lifts off the ground.

“ _I am one with the Force and the Force is with me. I am one with the Force and the Force is with me.”_ says the blind man and he wonders if the blind man was forced to meet Bor Gullet as well.

He can hear the accented man and the droid arguing in the cockpit. The flying is hard and the likelihood they will survive is small. The ship shakes around them from the strain of flying around that... It shakes like it will fly apart.

“ _I'm the pilot,_ ” he says to himself as he watches them avoid the wave of whatever it is. He stands next to the girl and watches as they exit the atmosphere and they can see the damage from space. A growing cloud of destruction that keeps spreading over Jedha.

_Jedha._

He hadn't gotten to see his mom or his sister. They are on Jedha... _W_ _ere_ on Jedha.

This is the planet killer on a test run.

This is the Death Star

‘ _This is what will happen when you fail.’_

He _failed._

\---

He's been sitting alone for what feels like an age. He feels lost, unmoored from a previous path he at least understood and now nothing makes sense. Part of him knows where he is and what happened and part of him is…

“Are you the Imperial pilot?” She asks,

“The defector who brought Saw the message?”

It's the girl, she's sitting by the windows, watching him. He glances at her and his gaze skitters away again moments later, but he manages a reply,

“Yes.”

She doesn't say anything, she simply sits there and watches him. He wants to tell her he's the pilot, but he thinks he just said that. Her eyes seem to scan him, her mouth thins.

She stands up and walks over to sit beside him.

“I'm Jyn... Jyn Erso.”

“ _My daughter,” he holds up a holo image of a young girl with scraggly dark hair and bright eyes,_

“ _H_ _er name is Jyn.”_

His eyes bug out a little... This is Galen Erso's daughter.

She said her name he ought to respond.

“Bodhi Rook,” he says and she nods. She is still watching him in a way that makes him itch. He picks at his nails which are already bitten down to the quick with blood at the cuticles.

She’s looking at him... And her gaze feels different from Galen’s, but he can’t help comparing the two.

‘ _This is what will happen when you fail.’_

“Are you okay?” she asks and he twitches a little. She asks it like she already knows the answer, she just wants to hear him say it.

“I-I’m _—_ No... I’m n-not okay,” he says it and suddenly understands the words are so true. His mind is off the track that it was put on, no longer running in vicious circles. But it still feels like something has been loosened, something has been unmoored and now he’s lost at sea. He looks over at Jyn and she is watching him again, but glances away the moment he looks over.

Her eyes look full, but she swipes the tears away like they don’t deserve to fall.

“What did Saw use on you?” she asks and it strikes him that this is what reminds him the most of Galen, she asks like she knows the answers.

“B-bor G _—”_ He can’t bring himself to speak its name, but she shuts her eyes like she understands and the understanding causes her physical pain.

After a moment, she says,

“I’m sorry,” and he can see she means it. The words strike something in him, a warmth or a comfort maybe... Just the fact that she seems to understand and is truly sorry... Somehow that’s a comfort and even though he still feels addled he remembers the appropriate response.

“It’s okay.”

She shakes her head a little and looks at him again with a pain that he doesn’t quite understand.

“It’s really not.”

He has nothing to say to that really. He doesn’t know the root of her grief, but saying it’s okay is meaningless when all he’s ever known has been destroyed. The lump in his throat is back again as he nods a little.

“I’m f-from—I’m from Jedha...” he tells her without looking and she turns away from him, biting her lip hard enough to make this skin around it go white.

“I’m sorry,” she says again and this time he only nods…

Neither of them speak for some time.

Every time he’s forced to speak and focus on the present, Saw and his monsters feel a little farther away. Still far too close for comfort... But he’s gaining a literal distance as well as a figurative one. It allows him to think about where he is…

“Where are we going?” he asks and Jyn looks at him a little perplexed.

“I don’t know... Cassian probably does, I can ask him if you want?”

It takes him a moment to answer.

“Um... W-which one is Cassian?”

Jyn startles a little and then lets out something like a laugh.

“Right...of course... That’s Cassian,” she points to the man with the accent sitting in the cockpit.

“And that’s his droid K-2SO,” she says and then she leans in to say in a lower voice,

“And if you don’t mind, I never properly got their names...” she nods at the big man and the blind one.

“I’ll go and…” she trails off a little, but he understands and nods once, a quick jerky motion of his chin and watches her get up and approach them.

He hears them introduce themselves and suddenly notices that he’s _exhausted._ They are most likely a few hours from wherever they're going. He leans his head back and lets his eyes slide closed.

\---

It makes him itch to stand behind Cassian and his droid while they flying down to Eadu.

The one place he feels any measure of peace is behind the control column, but these people hardly know him and he’s not all...here...yet.

Earlier Jyn had told them all about Galen’s message. He knew the basics of it already, but it’s heartening to know the message had at least been seen.

Not that it mattered when Jedha is a hole in the ground, but maybe he hadn’t entirely failed. The message had been delivered by him, the messenger.

That’s what Cassian called Jyn.

The messenger.

Because she’s the one witness of Galen’s message so she’s the one who has to carry it back to the Rebellion. But when everyone else easily accepts the information he wonders…

Right now Cassian and the mouthy K-2SO are piloting the ship down to Eadu and he knows this planet and the base they are trying to find, it’s enough to permeate the haze of dissociation so he can respond to the droid,

“Th-they have landing trackers, they have patrol squadrons, you have to stay in the canyon keep it low,” the words crowd his tongue on the way out of his mouth, but this is important. They’re coming for Galen he has to focus. He knows this planet, but not this route. Not at night, in the rain.

The ship is blaring proximity alarms and they can barely see two feet in front of them in the pouring downfall and darkness. A rock formation suddenly appears out of the fog.

“To the right!” Cassian yells and K-2SO jerks the controls to the right, veering them out of the path. The ship shakes and creaks, the sound of unbuckled cargo crashing to the ground distracts Bodhi for a moment. Beside him K-2 seems to observe all this and informs them,

“There’s a 26% chance of failure.” And Cassian whirls to face Bodhi,

“How much farther?”

“I-I don’t know I’m not sure. I never normally come this way!” he says, frustration getting the better of him for a moment, but he swallows that back and squints out the viewport with great intent.

“We’re close… We’re close, I know that.”

“Now there’s a 35% chance of failure,” the droid says and Cassian tells him to be quiet while Bodhi’s just grateful the number isn’t higher. That’s when he sees the platform. He’s yelling for them to land the ship now, the droid is yelling about the wind, but they need to land before the shuttle depot sensors detect their presence. They clip a ledge hard enough to knock him to the ground.

They manage to land, but the ship won't take off again. Bodhi wishes he had been allowed to pilot, perhaps they would have been closer to their destination, but Cassian has already moved on. He walks with authority as he says Bodhi will come with him to retrieve Galen.

They leave the others behind and go out into the pouring night. Bodhi glances behind him to see the ship, one light in the black, growing smaller with every step. He tells himself to focus, they are going to retrieve Galen, _‘I’m the pilot, I can do this,’_ he tells himself. It’s the one thing he remembers no matter where his mind is, it's comforting somehow.

Beside him Cassian doesn’t say a word except to check they are going the right way.

The man is hard edged in a way Bodhi didn’t expect to see in the Rebellion. He imagined a place and a people free from the Empire would be more joyful. Of course he knows nobody is truly free from the Empire and perhaps that’s what’s tightening the other man’s jaw.

They reach a cliff face with a small canyon being the only thing separating them from the Imperial compound. Cassian kneels to squint in the dark and looks back at Bodhi.

“This will do, I can find my way from here, go back to the ship.”

“B-but...” a hundred words sputter at his lips. Words like ‘back up’ or ‘I can help.’ Galen is his friend, possibly his only friend. He still isn’t sure of his mind or himself, but he _wants_ to help. He wants to _do something right_. Cassian is looking out the platform, but he turns to look at Bodhi and his expression is somewhere between stone and something sadder.

“Thank you Bodhi, you did well. Go back to the ship, I will take it from here,” he says it all firmly and with authority and Bodhi wants to help... But he is just the pilot... He deflates a little thinking that this is all he can do for Galen. Lead a man to a spot and then leave.

He does like Cassian says, because in the thirty or forty scenarios that flicker through his mind, he can imagine more than several where he insists to stay and his presence somehow throws things off enough that Galen dies, or he dies, or all of them die…

So he leaves... He has to steal them a new ship anyway...

\---

Would things have gone differently if he stayed? Is this what his failure looks like?

A girl standing in the rain like she’s put down roots. He sees them approach through the open door. He sees the argument start. Chirrut and Baze are sitting quietly... Even K-2SO is clearly trying to listen.

He can hear Jyn and she sounds enraged. But the first thing he hears clearly over the rain and the wind is,

“The Rebellion wanted my father dead and you killed him,” and it feels like the ground opens up to swallow him whole.

 _“This is what will happen when you fail.”_ He failed, _he failed,_ he could have done more or should have done more. His legs stagger beneath him and he ends up against the far wall of the ship, sliding down to sitting on the hard floor. He can still hear them out there. Cassian sounds like he’s trying to placate and getting increasingly frustrated.

“What don't I understand? You following orders? So were they,” That’s Jyn and she clearly doesn’t care who can hear them.

“My father was just following orders and he tried to save the galaxy while he was at it,” the fury bleeds off every syllable and he grips at his knee’s with both hands digging his fingers in until something will bruise.

“I did not kill your father. I had my hand on the trigger, but I did not kill him. I called off the Rebel ships, but they didn't listen.” That’s Cassian and it eases something small and far away in him to know he isn’t traveling with the man who murdered his only friend. If he’s telling the truth... Bodhi thinks that and dismisses it. He’s spent years around liars, he knows what a lie sounds like... Cassian didn’t kill Galen.

But Galen is dead. The Rebellion rescued Bodhi, but they wanted Galen dead.

Nothing makes sense anymore and he’s just the pilot.

He doesn’t really watch, but he half notices when Cassian enters the ship with a look at all of them that seems both furious and ashamed. He goes to the cockpit with K-2SO and after a few moments Baze goes outside and guides Jyn back on board.

He’s not really watching, but he can see Jyn’s boots in his peripheral when she comes to stand before him. She doesn’t speak for a moment.

“Galen's dead,” she tells him and it sounds raw as an open wound.

“I know... I-I'm sorry...” even his words quiver as he says them. She walks around him to stand beside him, leaning against the wall behind them.

“I'm sorry too...” she tells him.

“You said he was your friend,” she says this like she’s stating a far away fact, but all Bodhi can see is the first person who looked him in the eye in years. The one person who didn’t look straight through him. Who _saw_ him. He spoke honestly to Bodhi and his eyes would shine when he spoke of his family. It made Bodhi miss his mom and sister a little less hearing Galen’s stories about his lively wife and vibrant daughter.

There were many days where the only thing he looked forward to was spending more time with Galen. He was the rare bit of warmth or light in gray days and cold nights.

“He was my friend,” Bodhi agrees and the words break something his chest.

“...He was my friend...” he says again, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He murmurs the words again and they break a little more each time he says them. He rocks himself back and forth and finally lets the tears flow. For Jedha and his family and for Galen and it occurs to him that he should have cried sooner. He should have cried when his mother’s city was razed to the ground. He should have cried when his sister was turned to little more than _dust_. He should have—

A hand rests in his hair.

Jyn is letting her hand rest on his head. It’s small and warm. After a few moments she begins to card through his hair with gentle fingers and he keeps crying. He should have cried a lot sooner. Her hand feels nice in his hair.

After a while the hand recedes and he’s still crying, but he hears when Jyn goes to sit with Chirrut. He only actually looks up when Baze settles beside him. The big man hardly looks at him. He just settles in calmly beside Bodhi.

And Bodhi keeps crying. There’s so much to mourn and apparently some floodgates opened because he can’t seem to stop crying in quiet hiccuping gasps while his face is a mess of tears and other fluids. Baze remains beside him, unflappable and calm.

Bodhi doesn’t quite remember listing to the side until he’s leaning against the bigger man. He comes awake again after what must be more than a bit later. Baze is still there, sitting straight and tall, wordlessly allowing Bodhi to rest against him for some reason that he doesn’t quite understand. Chirrut sits on Baze’s other side now and they are talking softly. So softly it almost blends in with the hum of the ship at warp. Bodhi slowly blinks up at the pair of them like a nocturnal animal caught in the daytime. He’s still so tired... He feels nothing, but tired. Suddenly both men are looking back at him.

“Go back to sleep, little pilot,” Baze tells him and Chirrut smiles in his direction. Bodhi falls back asleep wishing he could wrap himself in a blanket of that calm they both seem to carry with such ease.

When he wakes a second time he jerks to sitting upright. His neck is stiff and Baze glances over at him. There’s nothing easily readable in his expression, he neither smiles nor frowns. Yet Bodhi thinks the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkles just a little like he’s smiling inside.

Chirrut’s resting his head in Baze’s lap and he leans down to whisper something that wakes Chirrut up. He pulls himself upright much more smoothly than Bodhi did.

“Did you rest well?” Chirrut is asking him and he startles a little because he’s trying to think of what to say to both of them.

“Yes... T-thank you f-for...” he trails off as Baze waves a hand like he’s waving Bodhi’s thanks away. Without another word he gets to his feet. He reaches down for Chirruts hand and pulls him to his feet. Then he reaches down to Bodhi and Bodhi stares up at him in bewilderment and wonder.

People rarely hand out kindness like it’s free, but it’s clear these two expect nothing in exchange. He take’s the bigger man’s hand and lets himself get pulled to standing while he realizes that nothing makes sense anymore.

And he wonders if that’s a good thing or not.

\---

Jyn seems like a new person at the council meeting. He’s seen glimpses of embers, but now she stands there like a wildfire telling them what they have to do. It’s what Galen risked his life to achieve and he can see that she’s dead set on following through.

And they don’t listen. This damned council hardly seems concerned at all about this weapon that flattened an entire city in minutes. It could destroy entire cities in an instant he has no doubt.

They can’t come all this way to lose because this Rebellion is too cowardly to do something.

This can’t be where he fails again.

He follows Jyn’s furious path out of the council room. Baze and Chirrut are waiting for them outside. He finds he almost smiles at them both until he remembers what just happened back in the other room.

For her part, Jyn paces. Too much energy and purpose packed into one small body.

Chirrut is the one who speaks first in such keen observation for the man who can’t see,

“She wants to fight,”

And she’s not the only one.

“We all want to to,” Bodhi adds.

“How many do we need?” Baze asks and then as if to answer their question, Cassian appears flanked by close to thirty men and looking like he lost a few of his edges. He walks right up to Jyn and smiles with his eyes.

“Will this be enough?” he asks and she grins back at him, breathless and amazed. After a moment she nods and he does too before turning to the men and barking instructions for preparations. Bodhi is tasked with finding them a ship and for a moment he’s caught up in it. Far away from the roots and shattered stones and the body that doesn’t always feel like his own. For a moment he feels like they might actually _do this._

\---

 _“That's an impounded Imperial ship what’s your call sign?”_ The voice filters through on the comments layered in static and infuriated.

“Um...”

He’s staring at Jyn as she’s packing something away in her bag. She looks up at him and she looks ready for anything.

“We have to go,” she tells him.

“I-it’s um...it’s um...” she’s watching him and maybe he should just get off the comms and take off, but he doesn’t.

“Say something, come _on,_ ” Jyn whispers

“It’s Rogue?” he says and they all know that won’t cut it at all. He tries to inject some certainty into his voice as he says,

“Rogue One.”

 _“Rogue One? There is no Rogue One!”_ The voice on the comms sounds utterly appalled and it makes his heart pound to keep initiating the flight sequence with K-2 piloting beside him.

It’s the droid who responds,

“It is now,” and somehow it helps to have others accept his attempt.

“Rogue One... Pulling away,” he says breathlessly.

“Pulling away,” the droid agrees and the ship lifts off, leaving the ground and his uncertainty behind, if only for a short time.

He grins at the droid who simply observes him in a neutral silence. But Bodhi imagines it’s a friendlier silence than before. As they go to lightspeed and the stars begin to move in streams past the transparisteel, Bodhi feels some strange mix of nerves and anticipation. This is what Galen risked his life for and... It feels important and it feels right to be doing this. In this moment, they are moving forward and that’s enough... In the part of his brain that doesn’t want to tear his hair out over the knowledge of where they’re going.

Scariff is at the heart of Imperial territory, they guard their information closely and while their plan is sound... He knows the odds are slim that they will survive.

“K-2... W-what i-is the probability t-that we’ll succeed?” he asks and the droid stares at him for a long moment. He knows what he looks like, dirty, ragged, unstable. He looks like a liability, he knows that because he’s looked in the mirror. Bodhi wonders what the droid is seeing when he responds,

“Given the countless possible variables, true probability is impossible to determine.”

Bodhi gapes a little at the droid who has been very clear about wanting to speak whatever is on his processors.

“But you’re a statistical analysis droid, this can’t be the craziest fight you’ve ever been in?” He’s not sure why he’s pressing this, but he figures it out when the droid looks away and responds

“There are...too many...variables.”

It doesn’t surprise him that K-2 is a terrible liar, but it does surprise him that the droid is withholding the information. Bodhi can only guess it's because the number must be really bad and he must look like such a shaky nervous fright… This is K-2 being _sensitive_. It almost makes him want to laugh. He’s so pathetic that even the droid is taking pity on him, but…

He cannot ignore a kindness. He was given so few for so long he cannot help, but observe what this is. It’s this ill-tempered droid attempting to be kind... He’s certain of it.

“Thank you,” he says and the droid turns back to him.

“Why? I did not calculate the probability for you,” K-s says and Bodhi smiles a little at the attempt.

“I know, thanks K-2,” he says and claps a hand on the droid’s shoulder casing and Bodhi can tell K-2 is very confused, but he carefully replies,

“Your welcome.”

And what is there to say really? Bodhi leans back in his seat and keeps a tight grip on the control column. A glance back shows him the others are settling in for the ride. Chirrut is seated beside Baze, the two seem so closely tied together, even in silence they seem comfortable.

On the other side of the cargo hold Jyn and Cassian are sitting together and talking softly. The animosity of a day ago seems long gone. It makes Bodhi want to smile a little more as he faces front and lets the calm of piloting overtake everything else. The last few days have mostly been...unspeakable, but made near bearable because of this new home he’s stumbled into with these people.

He doesn’t know them that well, but they’ve shown him more goodness and friendship than he had ever come to expect among ‘his own people’ in the years he worked for the Empire. He’s the pilot and for a short time he lets himself feel at home.

\---

It’s utter chaos the moment blasters start firing. Cassian’s yelling instructions through the comms as plans change on the fly. Soon he’s running out in the open with little cover and nothing to protect him except his own terror keeping him fast on his feet. He thought he had been scared before, but it turns out that, that was nothing compared to a battlefield. And being _in_ a battlefield.

After what feels like an age of running and ducking, and 30 near death experiences, he’s able to patch out a signal to the Rebels that have come to aid them.

He tells them about the plans and how they need to find a way to disable the shield around the planet in order to receive the signal.

The messenger successfully delivered the message and for a moment he’s elated.

That’s when a grenade lands in the cargo hold.

He’s shaking and his hearts pounding and time seems to slow as he stares down at the flashing light.

_'I'm just the pilot.'_

He lunges forward, grasping such a small method of death in his hand. He pulls his arm back and tries not to think of it exploding in his hand. He hurls it out of the cargo hold with all his might and it goes sailing out into the forest where the troopers are huddled. 

But, it doesn’t go far enough.

Some of their own people are caught in the fiery blast, which knocks him on his back and blisters the air in his lungs. His ears ring and a fellow soldier is asking if he’s okay. Technically, he’s never taken a life until this moment and it shocks him because he’s mostly relieved to still be alive. Then he lurches to edge of the ramp and vomits.

\---

The fight has spread out and at some point he grabbed a blaster and started using it. His aim is terrible, but he takes down a trooper or two and still feels nothing. That’s a horror he will have to dwell on later though.

That’s when _it_ appears.

He’s not naive enough to wonder if a new moon just appeared to loom in the sky above them.

Galen described it well enough. He knows what this is.

They need to _go._

Cassian stopped answering the comms awhile ago, but he knows where they are. He needs to get those who are closer. He needs to move _now._

He rips out the commlink to shout for anybody who is listening.

“If you’re still alive fall back to Rogue One. _Fall back.”_

With that he races out clutching his blaster like a lifeline. They were all talking about that final switch that needed to be pulled and suddenly it was and Bodhi was able to transmit.

He has two guesses who got to that switch.

He goes racing for where he thinks that control panel would be and finds nothing, but sand and bodies. The troopers aren’t even fighting here anymore. Smoke rises from what might be a few bombs and Bodhi scans the scene knowing he will see this in his nightmares if he survives the day.

Finally, he sees the red and silver armor and goes racing towards Baze knowing Chirrut will be close by.

 _“Baze! Chirrut! We have to leave now!”_ He’s yelling as he runs towards them. He stumbles to a stop beside him. Baze is lying on the ground, Bodhi can barely assess the damage underneath all the dirt and dust, but he can see the burn marks on Baze’s right side. He kneels down and presses two fingers against his throat, checking for a pulse.

For the first time he is grateful for his Imperial training teaching him some basic emergency field care for humanoids and several other species.

He can feel a pulse, a little fainter than normal, but it’s steady. So he grabs the bigger man by the shoulders and shakes him,

 _“Baze!”_ he yells at the unconscious man because desperation overrules most rules of common decency. He’s getting ready to try slapping the man when his eyes fly open and he grabs Bodhi’s arm like a reflex. His grip is tight enough to bruise and his eyes are wide and panicked.

“Baze, the Death Star is h-here _we h-have to go_ , where’s Chirrut?”

Baze stares at him for a moment, uncomprehending and then he looks like he’s in unbearable pain as he points towards the control panel a few feet away.

“Good, you need to get up, _Come on!_ ” Bodhi says finding that he can’t stop yelling. He jumps to his feet and races to the control panel. Chirrut is on the ground and his eyes are closed. Bodhi's lips wants to tremble and his hands want to shake, but _there’s no time_. He bends down beside the man, once again checking for a pulse. It’s weak and thready, but it’s there. Baze steps up beside him to stare down at them both with an immeasurable sadness and Bodhi looks up at him,

“Baze, he’s still alive. I don’t know for how much longer, but I need you to help me get him on the ship and then we need to find K-2, Cassian, and Jyn.”

And suddenly he is giving orders and they are being listened to. Without a word Baze easily scoops Chirrut up out of the dirt and they both go running towards the ship.

\---

Nobody answers on the comms. Baze set Chirrut down on the ground, nestling the unconscious man in the corner of the hold nearest to the cockpit. Bodhi lifts the ship into the air when a a blinding green light lances through the sky.

“It’s starting,” he says to nobody in particular as he flies the ship low over the tower and the beaches trying to find signs of them. The explosion or implosion of the planet is growing from blinding to burning when he sees the two figures collapsed on the beach. He barely has time to slam the ship back to the earth and throw open the hatch. The blast is spreading towards them and fast when he steps onto the sand to see Jyn and Cassian in a tight embrace. It’s an image that will haunt him, seeing what it looks like when they accept their death. But right now they are running out of time.

The air is scalding and getting worse with every moment.

Jyn is the one who turns to see him

 _“Come on, we need to go now!”_ Bodhi yells

 _"Let's go!"_ and he sees her mouth move, but he can’t hear the response. When she moves he can see Cassian’s limp against her.

 _“We need to carry him!”_ he yells and grabs one arm, letting Jyn grab the other. They are about to try and drag him when Baze comes running. He lifts Cassian into his arms as though he were a rag doll and they all go running back to the ship.

Jyn closes the door and then Bodhi isn’t paying attention anymore as he grips the control column and pounds the accelerator. He can feel the heat of the oncoming storm through the metal hull of the ship. There’s no time to calculate a destination in order to outrun this. He just lets the ship use the last entered coordinates and slams them into light speed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I DEBATED WHO WAS GOING TO SURVIVE....Im worried Baze and Chirrut with the Bodhi, Cassian, and Jyn PLUS the New Hope crew just means too many people running around the death star and such...idk  
> Bodhi Rook is a precious bb who needs protecting but also HOW DOES ONE WRITE THE BOR GULLET SCENE?? Like I love the movie but it ended and I went WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THE TENTACLE PORN SHIT. Just describing that scene makes me uncomfortable and for all Saw's talk about IT WILL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND movie!Bodhi basically walks out of this a little addled and with a stutter...I did my best 
> 
> Also everybody check out [this link](http://ladyknightthebrave.tumblr.com/post/155843591122/leupagus-forcekenobi-wow-i-love-the-star) I found it when I was taking a break from editing this chapter and Im still laughing about it
> 
> Basically I have no idea what Im doing feel free to be my friend on Tumblr @ladyknightthebrave


	4. Survival Walks into a Bar(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay chapters are going to be a lot shorter now that I'm not summarizing an entire movie in them.  
> Also I just realized I forgot where Cassian's injury was...Um...yeah I'm fixing that. I think it's his shoulder in the movie.  
> This is why I probably need a beta...*sigh

 

 _Survival walks into a bar &_  
_looks so much like exhaustion_  
_that the unease becomes tangible,_  
_gazes all suddenly turned away._  
_—On Surviving, Darshana Suresh_

_\---_

When they drop out of light speed they’re in orbit above Scarif. Floating just out of range of a Star Destroyer and the wreckage and ruin of a fight they had missed. Jyn stares out the transparisteel seeing fragments of ships that could be friend or foe (not that it matters they’re still dead) and she feels exhaustion deep in her bones, in her _soul._

Bodhi is in the cockpit gasping for air like he’s just run a mile... And in a way she supposes that he probably has. He’s never still as he begins flying them further from the Star Destroyer and punching in new coordinates to get them anywhere that’s far enough away. The whole ship dips sideways as Bodhi steers them away and through the viewport she can see Scariff. On the surface, there’s nothing left. She can see the cloud that’s spreading from the atmosphere, leaving nothing, but gray behind.

 _They were just there,_ she thinks in a daze. Then she remembers and she’s on her feet to where Baze laid Chirrut and Cassian down. Chirrut is utterly still except the slow rise and fall of his chest. She looks from Chirrut to Baze as he comes to sit beside her with a question in her eyes. He simply shakes his head a little in reply.

But it’s Cassian who worries her like a reflex when she sees how pale he is and remembers feeling his arms around her, accepting the end. She reaches out to jostle him.

“Cassian? Cassian? _Cassian wake up!_ ” and like he’s answering her prayers, he slips into consciousness. He makes a small noise as his eyes seem to slowly focus in on her and Baze beside her.

“Jyn? What happened?” he says, his words coming out slowly like they’re being dragged out of his throat on a string. She stares down at him, feeling tears in her eyes.

They didn’t die. They should have died, but they didn’t.

He’s looking around a little and sees Chirrut beside him and looks back at them with confusion etched between his brows.

Somehow that’s enough to snap Jyn into focus. Her insides are a tangled vortex that she could get lost in, but right now there’s no time. She turns to Baze,

“Help me find whatever medkit supplies are stored on this hunk of junk. You patch up Chirrut and I’ll take care of Cassian.” Baze doesn’t reply or mention that both of them are bleeding, they are conscious and mobile and can be looked after later. He just lumbers to his feet and from up in the cockpit Bodhi yells back,

“Look along the bottom right wall behind the shelves, there should be a panel with some supplies.” His words still come out too fast like the speed on him is turned up two notches higher than the rest of them. From his spot on the floor Cassian says,

“Sergeant Nemec always made sure that even the stolen ships had supplies...” the words come out in a slur and she doesn’t point out that none of them know who Sergeant Nemec is. Instead, she goes to the panel and starts digging around and after a few moments comes out with the kit. There’s bandages, a needle and thread for stitches, some bacta patches and an incredibly tiny jar of bacta gel.

“Baze,” she calls out and he’s beside her. Seeing the kit in her hands, he nods a little and goes to Chirrut and Cassian knowing she’ll follow.

She settles the kit between them with Baze facing Chirrut and her facing Cassian. He’s still awake, which she would like to think is a good sign, his eyes follow her movements with that same look of slightly frowning bemusement.

“How did we get here?” he asks and she doesn’t speak for a moment, staring down at the large blooming stain of red on his shoulder.

“Bodhi,” she tells him as a reply before adding,

“I’m going to need to take off your shirt to get a good look at your injury,” she tells him and he blinks at her for a moment. Her hands are suspended a few inches above him, he waves them away and unbuttons the shirt himself. His movements are slow, there’s an uncoordinated sloppiness to them that worries her, but the bleeding worries her more. He’s finished unbuttoning his shirt when he asks,

“What about your injuries?” and his words are still slurring, his accent in Basic becoming more pronounced as he gestures up at her with a messy hand.

“What injuries?” she asks lightly, brushing one half of his shirt unbuttoned shirt aside, trying to get a better look at his shoulder.

For a moment she’s distracted by the look Cassian gives her at her attempt to dodge his question. Even exhausted and out of it he conveys so much dry disbelief in a single look. She sighs a little, but leans forward to get a good look at the wound.

“My injuries will keep at least. I’m up and I’m a little more... Together than you are right now... And I don’t know if you have any internal damage from your fall so...” she trails off and he looks up at her and then away before reciting as casually as a shopping list,

“Moderate concussion… My left shoulder may have been dislocated... Two maybe Three cracked ribs...” he pauses to prod at his abdomen with a wince and she smacks his hand away.

“Along with the blaster shot and the burns... Oh, and I think I tore some muscles in my leg...” He adds and he sounds exhausted and sloppy, but she trusts his self diagnosis enough to look at Baze with panic in her eyes. He looks back with something like knowing understanding in reply. After a moment she turns back to Cassian and tries to put everything unhelpful away to deal with it later.

“Right so... I don’t have half of that so...let me have a look at you,” she tells him and Cassian nods, something sobering around his eyes and he looks away as she leans forward to examine his injury.

The wound looks deep. It’s still bleeding sluggishly. The part where the blast entered his shoulder seems like it’s a half inch wide hole that went deeper than she would like. The edges of it are jagged with cauterized burns, but the hole still bleeds. He probably pulled at it too much when he climbed up that data tower to reach her. He’s still staring at the wall when she opens up the jar of bacta gel with a shaky hand.

Beside her Baze is quietly working on the injuries he can see with Chirrut. Cleaning them with a cloth and dabbing the deeper ones with the bacta gel.

“How is he?” she asks him as she spreads some gel over Cassian’s injury.

“Worse than your captain is little sister, I won’t know more until he wakes up or doesn’t.” She whips around to stare at Baze with still more panic and finds his expression tells a far different story. Years of pain and sorrow are etched into the lines around his eyes, his mouth is a hard line. She wants to say several things including, ‘he’s not _my_ captain,’ but Baze continues.

“I can only help fix the injuries he has on the outside and it’s the ones I can’t see that worry me... He was standing a few feet from an explosion...” he trails off because she knows what that means... Internal injuries and shrapnel. Baze could try to dig pieces out and do more damage in the process and they have nothing to fix what bleeds internally, Neither of them speak for a long moment. When she turns to face forward Cassian is watching her again.

She uses the excess gel on her fingers to dab at the burns on the side of his face. She’s got burns to match, she knows that. They were both about to fry when Bodhi landed and such a close proximity to the explosion leaves them both a little cooked. She grabs a bandage from the kit and presses that down over the blaster wound, giving him an apologetic look when he winces at its application.

Then she’s running a hand along the back of his head to check for bleeding and her gentle fingers find a lump that could be more than enough for a concussion. Her fingers come away darker and sticky and she looks down trying not to let it show on her face. He stares up at her like he knows and that doesn’t help anything.

So many people have died since this began. Jedha and Scariff, her father, Bodhi’s family, and not to mention those 30 or so men and women who volunteered to come with them just because they believed it was the right thing to do. She didn't even know their  _names._

She doesn’t think she can stand to watch someone else die. Especially not the man who looked her in the eye and told her she was home. She still feels at home... As much as home is a foreign notion to her, she hasn’t been in one since the day her mother died and her father left, but she feels closer to it than she’s been in years when she’s surrounded by these people.

 _Her_ people.

Cassian is badly off and Chirrut is worse.

One tiny jar of bacta and a few patches are hardly enough to help one of them let alone both. She knows for her part that her leg’s been hurting the more she uses it. The spot where the blaster caught stings and aches with and every movement sends pains shooting up into her waist and down to her knee. The burns on her face and arms feel like they are being fired anew with every movement or brush of air. Her fingers are still raw and scabbed from when she had to cling on to that data tower. One of her nails has mostly cracked off, but it’s still ugly to look at. That, along with her own bruises and whatever Baze has picked up in spite of his armor means they are all really worse for wear. And she needs to check on Bodhi hoping he would have said something if he needed to be looked at.

She moves to stand and Cassian reaches up to grip her arm tightly.

“Jyn, don’t let me fall asleep,” he tells her, his voice coming out rough, but his eyes remain laser focused on her. Jyn stares down at him, caught between perplexed and too many other emotions to name when Baze speaks up from behind her,

“For the concussion, if he falls asleep, he might not wake up.” Jyn looks between Baze and Cassian and then back to Chirrut.

The Partisans never really cared to teach her how to do more than shoot a blaster. When people went down and didn’t get back up they were left behind. If an injury couldn’t be patched or stitched up they were as good as dead. She learned how to stitch up a knife wound when she was ten, but this is different. She nods once to Baze and then once to Cassian.

“I won’t let you fall asleep. I just need to talk to Bodhi. Sit with Baze and I’ll be right back.”

She stands up slowly, feeling her aches and wounds far too well. She knows her leg still bleeding, but she can still stand so she can deal with it later. Baze screws the lid back on their bacta gel. It’s practically empty and the kit had maybe 3 patches in it. They look at each other knowing it isn’t enough for any of them.

As she walks away, she hears Baze ask,

“Where’s that accent of yours from, little brother?”

It makes Jyn want to smile, knowing that to Baze, everyone is little. On a different day she might have actually managed it. For now she feels something loosen in her chest as Cassian responds,

“Fest.”

“Well, I’ve never seen Fest. Tell me of it,” Baze says in his low rumble, it sounds softer now, she thinks she hasn’t really heard him talk that way before. As she reaches the cockpit she hears Cassian begin to speak of a warm planet with tall trees and a sea as blue as Scariff’s was.

She takes the other co-pilot’s seat beside Bodhi, and looks over at him. He’s got a hand on the control column and the other flicks a switch on the console. He seems to have slowed down to almost their speed, but the nervousness still bleeds off him in waves. There’s a kind of manic exhaustion around his eyes and he’s shaking like he’s cold and she’s guessing it’s not due to temperature.

“Bodhi?” she asks and he looks at her, once quick with those big dark eyes and then away again.

“How are they?” he asks and it’s her turn to look away, her mouth tightening a little.

“Not good, Cassian’s awake at least, but he’s got a concussion and some broken ribs and Chirrut’s unconscious, Baze says it doesn’t look good...” she hates saying it all aloud and Bodhi just nods a little looking out at the stars streaming past their viewport like rain.

“How long until we reach Yavin IV?” she asks and Bodhi glances at her again and away with a pronounced shudder before saying,

“Around 18 hours.” she winces inwardly, but just continues.

“Are we on route to it now?”

“Yeah, once there was time, I programmed the coordinates. But we still have 18 hours until we get there.”

She stares at him for a moment and then gets up, her leg shudders to hold her weight, but she goes back to where Cassian’s managed to prop himself against the wall near Chirrut and Baze (she thinks Baze might have put him there). And he’s talking as she approaches,

“K-2 refused to listen to me, he said the probability that I was going to get us both blown up was 100%...” he trails off as he sees Jyn, watching her blearily as she approaches. Baze lets out a low chuckle at the story, but he too trails off when he sees Jyn.

They watch her like they are waiting for something. Why are they waiting? Baze or Cassian could just as easily decide their path, but they are waiting for her. She kneels down between them and manages to bite back a wince as she does. The adrenaline has officially worn off now, she can feel the absence of it in her own weariness. She ignores that and looks at Baze.

“18 hours to Yavin IV.”

Baze shakes his head a little, that hopeless sadness becoming more pronounced.

“8 hours might already be pushing it,” he says and she nods at him before turning to Cassian. He watches and startles a little when she reaches for his shirt. She murmurs a soft,

“Sorry, I need to check...” as she moves the collar of his shirt enough to see the bandage is already spotting with red. She tries to fix his collar back the way it was and worries her lip.

“Okay, I’ll be back. Keep telling Baze about K-2,” she says as she stands up and the way Cassian watches her, like he knows the kind of decision she’s trying to make and humoring her at the same time... It only confuses her. She limps back to Bodhi and desperately wishes for the adrenaline that blotted out the pain so well before.

“They won’t make it for 18 hours. Are there any nearby planets that aren’t occupied by the Empire?” she asks him and his eyes go a little bigger as he starts pushing buttons on the console to bring up some readouts.

“Um...uh... Nelvaan, Tythe, Kemal Station, New Ator, Tatooine...” he trails off and looks back at her. She bites her lip.

“What’s the travel time to Tatooine?”

“Six hours.”

“And Kemal Station?’

“Five and a half,” he says and she nods and worries her lower lip a little more.

“Can you chart a course between Kemal Station and Tatooine?” she asks and he looks confused.

“Kemal Station is a neutral enough space station. It’s half smugglers and half businessmen without a heavy Imperial presence. They would have facilities...just... I have no idea how to get access...” she pauses and wishes she could bite her nails like Bodhi does, but she’s afraid to crack the scabs that have formed over her fingertips. Instead, she clutches at the kyber crystal hanging on her throat.

“On Tatooine I have a business contact that might be able to help us, but I need message him first. If he doesn’t pan out, then we’ll have to try our luck and redirect to Kemal Station... I don’t want to have to change course and extend our travel time more than necessary.” Bodhi nods and she can see the hope in his eyes which scares her and breaks her heart in equal measure. She pushes herself up again, feeling like it’s getting harder every time she does. The comms headset is stashed on a shelf above them and she grabs it before collapsing back into her seat.

She takes a moment to gather herself and catch her breath. She wants to rest, she doesn’t want to have to think anymore. She wants to lie in a corner and shut down completely, but she can’t. They need to make some decisions and fast. Cassian and Chirrut are depending on her and she owes them this much if not more so she leans forward and keys in the contact codes. When she leans back in her seat, the headset buzzes in her ears. One hand, still grips her mother’s crystal thinking,

‘ _I am one with the Force and the Force is with me,_ ’ she’s not sure she believes it, but her mother did and it feels like good luck to think that way as the headset gives a little click and a male voice in her ear says,

“Who the kriffing hell is this?”

“Hello Han, this is Keira Ahksona,” she begins ignoring the look Bodhi is giving her at the moment.

“I’m calling because you told me once that you owed me a favor and I’ve come to collect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO BS THIS. I found [this handy dandy map of Star Wars planets](http://www.swgalaxymap.com/) and Tatooine is legit near-ish. Of course idk whats up with the other planets, most of them don't have a handy wikipedia page saying these ones are occupied by the Empire circa A New Hope so some BS-ing there. 
> 
> Also how does one get a beta? Do I need a beta? I know I play fast and loose with sentence structure and I love sentence fragments but idk y'all do I need a beta?
> 
> And please feel free to let me know if there is something triggering that you need tagged? Or if I ought to put a warning at the front of a chapter? I don't want to stress anybody out so let me know if this needs that at any point.
> 
> Lastly work is stressing me out a lot lately and comments are lovely. Thanks in advance or belatedly for them, I appreciate every word.


	5. We Stop Before We Die(Cassian)

 

_We draw our lines around these moments of pain, remain upon our islands, and they cannot hurt us._   
_They are covered with a smooth, safe, nacreous layer to let them slip, pearl-like, from our souls without real pain._

_Fiction allows us to slide into these other heads, these other places, and look out through other eyes._   
_And then in the tale we stop before we die, or we die vicariously and unharmed,_   
_and in the world beyond the tale we turn the page or close the book, and we resume our lives._

_A life that is, like any other, unlike any other._

_—American Gods, Neil Gaiman_

_\---_

He can tell he’s concussed because he’s been that way before. Jyn’s up and down the ship, clearly trying to make decisions about where they’re heading. He can see it in the way she looked at him after checking his bandage.

He won’t make it to Yavin IV. Chirrut hasn’t even stirred since they left Scariff so he has even less time.

Jyn is deciding and he should be worried or invested in the choice, but he can’t find the energy for anything other than keeping his eyes open and his mouth moving. He hardly even knows what he’s talking about as he watches Jyn going into the cockpit and leaving it again. He thinks of stardust as the stars outside the ship smear by the transparisteel.

Baze prompts him when he loses his train of thought.

“Back on Fest I had 4 brothers and sisters...”

“An even split?” Baze asks, he still won’t take his eyes off Chirrut for more than a moment, even though the man is still as death and paler than.

“Well, it was 3 boys and 2 girls so...” he trails off again. Every time he blinks his eyelids closed it gets harder to lift them open again.

“What were their names?”

Maybe he can just close his eyes for a moment. He’s so  _tired._

After a moment a finger prods him, right on the blaster burn. He gasps and his eyes fly open to stare at Baze. He wants to be annoyed, but they both know why and so Baze simply asks,

“What were their names?”

“Kaydan, Naz, Corana, and Jaina” Baze nods and asks how old they were.

He rattles off their ages when an Imperial stormed into their house and murdered his family for his parent's allegiances. They didn’t hear the little boy hiding under his bed upstairs. Nothing, but dust now.

As he continues to answer, a conversation drifts to them from the cockpit.

“Hello Han, this is Keira Ahksona,” she says, managing to sound like this is all business as usual.

There’s a pause.

“I’m calling because you told me once that you owed me a favor and I’ve come to collect.”

And another pause while she listens. Nothing in her voice betrays what they left behind, or that scrap metal look in her eyes. All sharp edges that could make a man bleed.

“I have some wounded personnel. Tatooine is the closest planet without too much...”

She trails off, presumably listening to the response. A glance at Baze shows he’s listening too.

“They won’t make it that far. It’s Tatooine or nothing.”

That surprises him somehow... Even if he already had pieced it together. Hearing it said aloud is somehow shocking. Like touching a live wire. Baze twitches the tiniest bit at hearing that.

“You know Kemal Station is dodgy. I have no contacts there,” and she sounds almost like she’s scolding... Another silence and then dry as a desert she says,

“Yes, nobody there owes me a favor.”

They all hold their breath.

“Five of us in total. Two of us need emergency medical attention.”

And all Cassian’s sure that more than two of them need it.

“Yes, it’s a big favor.”

Another pause.

“Do I need to remind you I not only saved your ass, and the wookiee’s, but I kept your precious garbage heap in one piece.” Her words are casual, even as they snap like a whip. There’s another silence.

“If you do this we’re more than square. We can pay you for passage off planet and never bother you again.”

And he wonders at that last part, but he’s too tired to puzzle it out now.

“The two will be enough, the rest of us will manage.”

From where he sits he can see the look she trades with Bodhi. He looks over at Baze again,

“We should all be getting medical help,” he says to the bigger man, even though talking is getting harder by the moment... He’s  _so tired._

For his part, Baze shakes his head.

“I’ll be alright, I’ll make sure they are as well,” he says and his voice sounds like the rumble of thunder. He wants to argue with the man. To tell him that’s nice, but nothing compared to what an  _actual doctor_ could do... Some part of him knows they can’t just walk into any medical facility and get five bodies seen to and cared for. He knows that costs money that they surely do not have... He also knows that Jyn’s limping and he hasn’t even had the chance to see if Bodhi’s truly okay. Baze could be hiding any amount of injuries beneath that armor and he would never know.

He wants to argue that and more... He also knows he’s fighting a losing battle already. Some part of him knows he could just give up. Go to sleep and come what may... Bodhi saved him for a few extra hours and he’s not sure how he feels about surviving Scariff.

He left behind 30 good people. Truly _good_ people. He knew all of them… Maybe not well, but well enough to trust them with this mission and they all trusted him enough to go. And he lost K-2.

The final guttural ‘goodbye,’ his friend whispered as his circuits fried is enough to make Cassian ball his hands into fists until his nails are digging into his palms. He wishes he could do something... Or he wishes he could have died on that beach.

Opening his eyes to see Jyn above him looking tired and sad was... How had they gotten off the beach? All she said was ‘Bodhi,’ but he saw the burns on Baze’s cheeks. They matched the marks he could see on Jyn and feel on himself wherever his skin was exposed. Like somebody had set them all to float in boiling oil.

He could put together a series of events that probably matched what happened closely. He couldn’t bring himself to ask for more than that. He couldn’t bring himself to do much of anything other than lie there and answer Baze’s inane questions. Questions Baze is only asking to keep him awake... He knows that. The question he can’t answer is, how does surviving feel like the worst cast scenario?

He feels addled and he knows he can’t be thinking quite right in his current state, but that’s the question he can’t answer and he keeps thinking it. The sharp edges in Jyn’s eyes tell a similar tale…

What does one do when they shut their eyes and accept their own death only to open them again, still breathing? So many died on Scariff alone, never mind what took place on Eadu and Jedha before that. So many died, but somehow he didn’t. He doesn’t know how to feel about that, he just knows that Jyn is still limping up and down the ship. At some point she sat up in the cockpit with Bodhi and the medkit went with her so he’s pretty sure Bodhi’s still okay... He’s still flying so that feels like a good sign. He wishes he could get up and assess everything for himself, but he’s still struggling to stay awake because Jyn asked him too and because of some reason he knew about before... He’s forgotten it now.

He was talking about the last time he got really drunk, but he lost his train of thought.

“... You were saying you were challenged to try Corellia Whiskey for the first time?” Baze prompts, all the while following his gaze up to Jyn whose leaning against the wall of the cargo bay like she shouldn’t be standing at all.

“Baze can you...” he trails off again, distracted for a moment by the struggle to blink his eyes back open before picking up the thread of it again.

“Can you make Jyn...” he pauses again because he’s very dizzy.

“I’m worried about her leg,” he finally manages and Baze nods once before getting to his feet with a grunt. He goes over to Jyn and Cassian can’t hear them over the hum of the engines and the ringing in his ears, but after he speaks, she heads to the cockpit and comes back with the kit. From there, she goes off to a corner of the ship that’s sequestered from view by a few shelves and crates. That’s a weight off his mind and he closes his eyes for _just a moment._

Then Baze sits back down, prodding him hard in the shoulder as he does so. It works to make Cassian open his eyes with a gasp. He barely manages to shoot the other man a sour look.  It is taken with the blandest of expressions.

“Did you have a pet growing up?” Baze asks and Cassian replies with another question.

“Is this the most you’ve talked ever? _O_ r were the past few days out of character for you?” Baze looks at him with something close to a smirk.

“Well, little brother, I do not like conversing with those I do not know. That said... Chirrut is the talkative one,” they both look down at the unconscious man beside them.

“Do you think he’ll make it?” Cassian asks and Baze looks at Chirrut deep and thoughtful, and full of a fondness even a blind man could see.

“The fool would say he is ‘one with the Force.’ I only know that he is very strong...” Baze says and Cassian nods feeling the dizziness coming for another bout. He sways a little, even sitting down his equilibrium is utterly shot. A big hand comes to rest on his chest, bracing him against the wall. He looks at Baze wanting to say thank you or something along those lines when the coughing starts.

Just a little cough at first, but suddenly it’s a fit of hacking, breathless coughs and when he finally manages to get it under control there’s blood on his hand. He sees it and so does Baze whose still kneeling beside him. Without moving from his side, Baze calls out,

“Bodhi, how far are we from Tatooine?”

“4 hours, why? What’s wrong?” Bodhi asks.

“Just keep flying and let us worry about this,” Baze calls back and that’s when Jyn steps out from her corner with the med kit. He can see a white bandage poking out through a hole in her pants leg as he regains his breath. No wonder she’s been limping...

“What’s happening?” she asks, walking over to them with that hitch in her step and Cassian moves to hide the blood on his hand.  
“Nothing, it’s fine,” he tries to say, but he’s hit with another fit of coughing and by the time it passes she’s kneeling beside him with fearful eyes. His hand comes away from his mouth bloodier and he leans back with a raspy sigh.

“I think I was wrong about the ribs... One’s probably broken,” he says and she leans back beside him so their shoulders are touching. Neither of them speak for several minutes. The dizziness comes back and this time he lets himself list into leaning against Jyn for balance. A glance in her direction shows her eyes are wide, possibly with unshed tears. Her lips are pressed tightly like she’s trying to stop them from trembling... So he asks her an obvious question to test the waters.

“Are you alright?” Her stare is galaxies away and when he asks the question she doesn’t look at him, but she lets out a rough bark of a laugh. Only then does she turn to face him with a look that might be exasperation.

“I think I’m doing better than you.”

“You should put some bacta on those burns... Baze too...” he says and she sighs,

“We’re out, I used the last of it on the graze Bodhi got on his shoulder at some point.” He turns to look at her and sees nothing, but an exhaustion that matches his own and something else that she’s keeping down and he can guess why. Her hands twist in her lap and he wonders about what happens to the stars after they supernova. He thinks he knew once, but he’s tired and all he can dredge up is something cold and dark, once the frost and the gravity kicked in to slow the fire of a star and eventually freeze it into nothing...

He wonders what happens in the wake of a destruction.

“It sounded like you have a plan?” he asks finally, because looking forward has always been one of the things he was best at.

“Yes, I have a contact from... Before... I haven’t worked with him in a few years, but I saved his ass on a job and he knows it. He said he owes me a favor and he does know somebody with access to a med facility,” she says it all calmly enough, even while her hands continue to twist in her lap.

“Can he be trusted?” he asks and she’s still staring down at her lap.

“He can be trusted to keep his mouth shut. He’s a smuggler so that’s part of the deal. I’m thinking when we land on Tatooine we ditch the ship. Sell it somewhere and use that money to pay Han to fly us to Yavin IV. His ship, the Falcon will draw a lot less noise than an Imperial cargo cruiser,” she tells him and he almost says something about how she should just ditch them and strike out alone. It’s clear she’s good at this and he wonders if they’re holding her back somehow. He almost says something when they all hear Bodhi abruptly curse and throw his headset to the floor.

Jyn’s on her feet in an instant and Cassian feels even more tired watching her limp over to Bodhi.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” she stands over Bodhi, whose pressing his shaking hands into his eyes.

“...The plans...” he says, muffled through his hands.

“I’m sorry Bodhi, speak up please. What’s happening?”

“The plans were uploaded to Princess Leia’s ship. They were on their way to deliver them to the Rebellion when their ship was intercepted… By Darth Vader.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH NO WHAT A TWEEST WE ALL KNEW WAS COMING...poor babies though, they didn't know...  
> So I keep having to google fun things like what are windows called in Star Wars...transparisteel is the glass but whatever.  
> Also thank you again for all your lovely comments :)


	6. Hush the Air Back to Your Lungs(Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UM...sorry? Have some sads?

 

 _Shut your mouth and restore your wrists to the right angle._  
_Shut your mouth, and ascend the grand staircase._  
_Hush the air back to your lungs and hold your last breath._

_—Advice on Leaving Your Crime Scene Gracefully, Britt Ashley_

 ---

“The plans were uploaded to Princess Leia’s ship. They were on their way to deliver them to the Rebellion, when their ship was intercepted… By Darth Vader,” Bodhi says.

For a sharp, painful instant none of them speak.

“Did they get the plans off the ship?” Jyn asks

“I don’t know.”

“Did they capture Princess Leia?” Cassian asks

“I don’t know.”

“Do we know where the plans are now?” Jyn asks

“ _I don’t know!_ ” Bodhi says a little too loudly... He thinks of roots and shattered fragments and, “ _I'm just the pilot,”_ shrinking back into his seat. None of them speak for a moment. In the back of the ship Baze is still sitting with Chirrut and Cassian, but all eyes are on Bodhi and on Jyn. Finally, she takes a breath and breaks the silence,

“How did you hear all this?” and he finds himself wishing he could shrink still further. He can't shake the feeling that he did something wrong.

“I contacted the Rebellion, I was figuring once Cassian and Chirrut were patched up we would head back and hopefully not get arrested since we did a good thing and...” he trails off for a moment. Of course Cassian is the only one of them with true ties to the Rebellion, but maybe...

Earlier Jyn had sat down in the cockpit and looked at him with tired eyes and asked if he had any injuries they should worry about. He stumbled and stuttered for a while before admitting to the scorched path some blaster fire had taken. It mostly missed him. It just left a scalding line on his shoulder as a souvenir. At her insistence he took off his heavy flight jacket so she could see it better. She looked at the burn, and then him, and then the burn again, before wordlessly scraping out whatever was left in the small jar of bacta to spread on his injury. He had wanted to object, saying maybe Chirrut needed it more, or Baze, or Cassian, or Jyn herself. It felt like it meant something for her to use the last of their precious medicine on him. It felt like a vote of confidence or a quiet declaration that he was worth something to her or to them... He wasn't sure what it meant but it meant something. Afterwards, she spread the excess over the burns on his cheeks. And he wanted to point out she had burns to match and they were clearly untouched. With her hands clean, she had put a bandage on his shoulder and packed the kit away. She was all business, as if she had done nothing at all extraordinary. She spared him a soft glance and a pat on the arm before leaving him alone to get them where they needed to go.

Now they are all standing there shattered by the news, and it only just occurs to him as he says it aloud, sounding smaller than he had before,

“I don’t know if that General is still on the comms or not.”

At that Jyn seizes the headset off the floor and jams it on her head.

“Hello? This is Jyn Erso. Who am I speaking to?” She speaks quickly, but with an air of efficiency that feels alien to her and speaks to a tight grip on her composure that he envies. Her hands are shaking, but she sounds calm as a night sky. From where he sits he can just hear the rusty chatter of the man's response leaking out from the headset.

“General Draven, can you please reiterate for me, what happened to those Death Star plans?” The general's reply sounds irritated from what he can hear.

“Gone, explain what you mean by 'gone'?”

There's something simmering beneath that calm in her voice now. It sends gooseflesh rippling up and down his arms. Distantly he's grateful the ship is on autopilot while they're in lightspeed. It means he doesn't need to focus on the flying unless unless he wants to... He can't focus on anything right now other than the conversation happening beside him.

“Yeah, Bodhi said something about Darth Vader. I don't give a blasted...”

Is this what his failure looks like? They do everything they can possibly do, commit impossible, unspeakable acts and in the end it's all for nothing?

“Do you know how many people _died_ to get those plans? And _you_ _lost them_?”

And they did and they _did_... He saw the bodies and the memory of them brings bile to his throat. And they lost the plans anyway.

“Yes well, we would have had proper back up if the council hadn't decided to be a bunch of blasted cowards.”

Or perhaps this was a battle they were going to lose no matter what... This thought doesn't help with his sudden urge to retch...

_This is what will happen when you fail._

“Do you know where they're going?” she asks and nobody moves. The only thing breathing in their shuttle is the engines.

“Listen, I can put Captain Andor on, but he's in really rough shape right now so either tell me where or I'll go there to personally stuff those security clearances up your...”

He bites his lip and tries to swallow the bile away. It doesn't work. Turning away from all of them his shoulders heave and what little sat in his stomach rushes up to burn his throat and leave his mouth acidic and sour. Jyn's watching him and he can see the composure cracking. Something breaking in her eyes that reminds him of ships crashing and burning.

“You _think_ they're headed for Alderaan... Alright...,” she says and her voice breaks a little. The man says something more and for a moment, there's only silence. Then, without another word she ends the call. An abrupt, almost vicious push of a button and then nothing. She stands with her back to them, frozen for an instant. Then she rips the headset from her ears and hurls it across the cargo bay.

In that instant nobody moves, they all watch it fall in silence. Once the plasteel breaks on impact, so does she. She drops to the ground slowly like melting wax and she lets out a cry...she _howls._ A sound that's feral, packed with rage and grief, fills their ears. She's bent like she could break. On her knees, head on the ground like she's bent in prayer. It shocks him to see her break so openly, his instinct is to reach out but his mind second guesses him. His hand stops, inches from her back and hangs suspended.

Cassian's immediately struggling to his feet and he probably shouldn't be, but Baze helps him up. For his part the big man watches them all with a bleak resignation, like misfortune is all too common and no longer a surprise for him. Like he feels sorry that they can still ache when the bad news comes. He looks away after a time, grasping his partners limp hand between both his own.

Meanwhile, Cassian approaches them, rough and unsteady. There's something less like resignation and more like disappointment bleeding off him. Like he's used to losing and so his grief is something quieter...internal like bruising and broken bones that don't break the skin. When he reaches them, he half kneels, half falls to be beside her. One shaky hand coming to rest over her shoulders and he looks at Bodhi like he's checking on him as well. A brief flash of sympathy and empathy mixed together.

It makes sense that Cassian would handle a crisis like triage and Jyn's the one falling apart right now, so he bends down to murmur,

' _I'm sorry Jyn, I'm so sorry.'_

He's too smart to tell her it's okay. It's not okay... Nothing will ever be okay again. Too many people died and they failed anyway.

Bodhi watches them, his hand still hanging unsteadily in the air above. He stares at it, willing himself to do _something._ Something of _use._ He's been the damaged one for what feels like too long, but he thinks Jyn might have been carrying at least a few scars for longer than he has.

He wonders if that much fury and feeling can burn someone on contact.

He remembers a hand gently carding through his hair.

That's enough to make his body obey him and his hand quivers as it comes to rest on the small of Jyn's back. She's shaking, wracked with silent sobs. Cassian keeps murmuring sorrys that sound like heartbreak blurred at the edges. He rests his forehead against hers and Bodhi wants to look away. Instead, he moves his hand in small circles on her back. When he was young his mom used to do that, and he tries not to think about Jedha burning up right now, because those memories are scalding.

After a few minutes Jyn seems to calm beneath his fingertips. She takes a deep breath and sits up to lean back against the console. She looks at Bodhi with a little sadness and a little gratitude. Then she looks at Cassian and something passes between them, but he doesn't know what. She's calmed down, but he's still tightly wound like a coiled spring. There's a softness when he looks at her, but when he looks away, a muscle jumps in his jaw.

He gets to his feet, unable to hide the pain in his face as he does so. Standing, he pales a little and staggers for an instant. Jyn is watching him, worried and unsure. He walks away from them, towards the smooth durasteel walls of the cargo bay.

He stands before the dull gray sheet metal for a moment, takes a breath, and punches the wall.

They can all the hear the crack of bone meeting steel and giving way before it. His face twists in pain, but he manages to crash his fist into it a second time before Jyn can scramble to her feet and stop him.

Bodhi's up out of his chair as well, but frozen on the threshold of this scene. Yet again, uncertain of what to do. Usually when people are moved to violence he's moved to flee, but he understands why and so he stays where he is.

Jyn limps between Cassian and the wall. Taking the hand he jammed into the unforgiving durasteel gently between both of her own. If Cassian wanted to keep punching the wall it would have been easy enough to get around her, but he doesn't. He just stands there, still coiled too tight. He lets her hold his hand. His knuckles are red and raw, Bodhi suspects they will be many colors by the time they arrive on Tatooine.

“You probably broke your hand just now,” she tells Cassian and she's not really scolding, not after her own display just minutes ago. Baze is watching them both now. He looks ready to intervene if needed, but otherwise he's prepared to wait. Bodhi suspects he's very used to waiting.

“What's a few more broken bones when I'm headed for a bacta tank in a few hours,” Cassian says and he's beginning to loosen and his words are getting blurred. She can see it too, but she just looks up at him with a sadness that runs deep and says,

“You know bacta can't fix everything,” like it's meant to be a joke.

“Yes, I do know,” he replies, sounding almost wry and it feels like they're talking about more than broken bones.

“How many hours until we get to Tatooine?” Jyn asks, turning away from Cassian to look at Bodhi. He startles a little and dashes back to the console to look at the readouts.

“Three and a half hours,” he says and he can see them both sigh out of pure exhaustion.

“Baze, help me get him into the co-pilot's chair. We can buckle him in so he won't...”

“Fall over?” Cassian suggests, as she pulls his arm over her shoulders in a move that looks almost practiced. She nods, her mouth in a tight line.

Baze untangles his hand from Chirrut's and goes to help them. Bodhi mutters something about finding a towel to clean up his sick and dodges out of there. A minute alone to breath before he goes back to being the pilot. From the back of the cargo bay he thinks he hears Baze mutter something to Cassian that sounds a lot like,

“It would be a shame if you died... Try not to,” and Cassian mutters something like.

"Yes, sir."

Bodhi finds a towel and manages to fit himself into a corner of the cockpit where he can kneel down and clean up his mess. Once he's thrown the towel in the disposal he settles back into the pilot's chair to find Jyn sitting on the floor between the two seats. Her back leaning against the struts of the control panel.

He closes his eyes and takes a steadying breath only to find when he opens them, both Jyn and Cassian are watching him.

“Are you okay Bodhi?” Cassian is the one to ask, tired as they both are, it's his turn now. It warms him a little to know that he's still a priority to them... And he has to take a minute to think about the question.

The roots are still there in the cracks that broke and the ones that are still breaking.

He's the pilot and he failed and his mother and sister are nothing more than ash, along with all the bodies of those who helped them on Scariff. So many bodies and there was no time to think. He either had to act or burn... Now with a moment to think and a recently emptied stomach...

“I don't know,” he says and the words taste as sour as the bile. But they both nod like they understand and his answer makes sense and it's enough.

“Baze,” Cassian raises his voice to be heard even though is seems to tire him more to do so.

“How are you holding up back there?”

“I've been through worse. I'll be better when Chirrut's been seen to,” comes the low and steady reply. Out of all of them, Baze seems the least outwardly bothered and Bodhi finds it upsetting to imagine the experiences that could have dulled him to this one. Jyn and Cassian nod a little accepting his answer.

“Thanks for helping me stay awake,” Cassian calls out and the response floats back, laced with some wry amusement.

“I'm sure you would have done the same,” and for some reason that makes Cassian chuckle a little. Then the chuckle becomes a cough and another and another. They can do nothing but watch and he had only half heard the first one. Up close it sounds much worse. Deep hacking coughs that sound like they start deep in his chest and when he's caught his breath his fingertips are spotted with blood.

Bodhi wants to panic at the sight of it, but Cassian does not seem at all surprised. He sighs and leans his head back.

“I don't know if I can stay for three more hours,” and Jyn reaches up to wrap her hand around his. It's the injured hand that's nearest, so her grip is light.

“Stay with us for as long as you can,” she says softly and Bodhi has to look away for a minute. Concussions are a coin toss. He saw that much when he shuttled cargo(stormtroopers) in and out of war zones. There's no way for them to know if the bleeding in his head could be the death of him while he sleeps. He's trying not to think of what happens if Cassian actually dies before they get to Tatooine. He doesn't want to think that way. He doesn't want to imagine the people he knows becoming more still bodies. 

It takes so little to become a corpse and he swallows back another empty heave.

“One of you tell me a story now, I think I talked myself out with Baze,” he says it with a hint of a smile. The anger from earlier is gone, at least for now. Like there wasn't enough energy to sustain it. Jyn's frustration seems to have melted below the surface as well. The futility of their mission is beyond their thoughts for now, with more immediate matters at hand.

Jyn holds his injured hand, her thumb rubbing circles on his palm. She's the one who speaks and tells them about the time she was 17 and trying to barter a ship she didn't have in exchange for what turned out to a batch of worthless cargo.

One story leads into another and it's like she's telling bedtime stories and they all know it. Eventually Bodhi gives in and sings one of his mothers lullaby's in the Jedha language that might be all but extinct now. He tries not to fragment over the memories and just stick with the melodies. Even Baze sits up a little in the back to listen.

Cassian lasts another hour and a half before he's gone and they have to hope the med facilities will be enough to revive him again. Jyn ends up falling asleep curled up against the co-pilot's seat, one hand still loosely hanging on to Cassian's.

Baze lies down beside Chirrut and takes the time to rest and it feels like trust to Bodhi.

Bodhi watches over all of them because he's the pilot and so he can't rest yet.

He wakes Jyn and Baze when it's time to land and luckily they don't need the headset to contact the planet below.

A low voice crackles out from the speaker telling them where to land. He calls Jyn 'sweetheart' as he agrees to meet them there. Bodhi raises his eyebrows, but Jyn just rolls her eyes a little and ends the call. They land the shuttle and open the bay doors to find a man with a perpetual smirk installed on his face, slouching beside a wookiee, waiting to meet them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um...I'm eternally sad about Bodhi...also I almost wrote this chapter from Baze's perspective. I think I still want to do a Baze chapter but it wasn't right. I hate how Baze and Chirrut so easily slip into the background but like...GOD THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH...Like Baze cannot be surprised when they lose anymore y'know?? I have a lot of feelings right now.
> 
> Also Han showed up so that's fun.


	7. She Reminded Them of the War(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So tomorrow's gonna suck right? Have some fic.

 

 _She knows loss intimately,_  
_carries whole cities in her belly._  
  
_As a child, relatives wouldn’t hold her._  
_She was splintered wood and sea water._  
_They said she reminded them of the war._

_—Ugly, Warsan Shire_

 ---

Jyn goes out to meet them first. Walking down the shuttle ramp she's trying to appear calm even as her whole body aches and every step makes her leg feel like it's being injured anew. Every breath hurts her chest and she knows nothing is broken, but she's finally feeling all of her bruises. It's an effort to keep her expression clear as she stands in front of Han Solo and Chewbacca. They look exactly as she remembers them. Han's light brown hair flops over his forehead and he stands like he's ready to lean on something at any moment. Beside him Chewie stands with his arms hanging heavy at his sides. His dark fur hasn't yet been touched by any signs of age and he has the same belt over his shoulder.

She speaks first,

“Is the med facility nearby?”

“Woah, not even a hello sweetheart?” Han Solo asks and he really hasn't changed a bit. She refrains from rolling her eyes, choosing to let Han use his brain to put it together himself. She waits while he briefly looks her over and then squints into the ship where Baze is standing over the unconscious Chirrut with a tight hold on his repeater rifle and Bodhi hovers nervously by the cockpit. Whatever Han sees is enough to make his eyebrows climb into his hairline.

“On second thought...yeah it's just a few meters down that way kid,” he points and she can distantly see a large round building poking up out of the ground. She nods and then looks up at the wookiee.

“Chewie can you help carry one of them?”

If it were possible for Han's eyebrows to climb higher, they do now. Chewie nods and says something in the language she doesn't speak, but she'll assume it's a yes.

She leads Chewie into the shuttle. They walk past Bodhi who watches the strangers beside her with a trepidation that seems unavoidably baseline for him. Baze is kneeling beside Chirrut and watching the wookiee with a certain amount of possibly suspicion. She catches their eyes as she walks by, trying to let them know it's okay. She would tell them both it's fine, but she can't really blame them for being mistrusting.

She leads Chewie into the cockpit and manages to fit herself in there with the wookiee, so she can reach over and unbuckle Cassian from the co-pilot's chair. He's gone paler, with a sheen of sweat and a small trickle of blood leaking from the corner of his mouth.

She knows Chewie can be gentle, but she still finds herself saying,

“Be careful,” as the wookiee reaches down to lift the man into his arms. For a moment, he looks small cradled in Chewie's big furry arms. She can't help hovering as the wookiee carries him out, a nervousness keeping her close. She looks over to see Baze has Chirrut in his arms and Bodhi is standing at the exit fidgeting as he waits for them.

She tears herself away from Cassian to check that Bodhi's going to lock up the shuttle, which of course he is. Then she's back beside Chewie and Cassian. Han looks like he wants to say a whole lot of things at the sight of them all. Instead, he just says,

“Let's move, you're going to draw attention like that.”

And as they walk Han falls in beside Jyn to ask,

“So I'm sensing there's a story here, kid. I'm going to need to know what I'm getting into before I let you aboard the Falcon. ” He's calm enough as he says it, the same smug and friendly thing that he always has running. Jyn's got her eyes locked on Cassian who's still out cold and she tears her gaze away to glance at Han.

“I need to take care of them first,” she mutters.

“Well, I've got a charter coming up. I'm meeting the passengers and we're flying out by tomorrow afternoon. If you plan to fly on the Falcon I'm going to need a good reason to wait.”

And that complicates everything. Jyn squeezes her eyes shut for a moment without speaking. Before it had been the plan because it was easier. Now she needed to get them on the Falcon. It was a ship built for speed and little else. Who knows how quickly they could find another skilled smuggler who wouldn't turn them over to the Empire for the money. They needed to go after those plans and fast. Not that she had any idea _how_ to go after them, she just knew she couldn't sit around and _hope._ They'd spoken a lot about hope over the last few days. Some of it was bullshit and some wasn't... Right now she has no hope left, just pure stubborn grit.

She needs to get them on the Falcon to get the plans and they need to be alive enough to come with her.

“Let me take care of them first and then we'll talk,” she says and Han shrugs like it's all the same to him. Med facilities aren't cheap and just getting two people seen to free of charge is a bigger favor than most. She can't ask him to turn down paid work. Not when she knows what it's like to need the money if she wanted to be able to eat the day after. And she's pretty sure Han's been owing the wrong people money for years...

“You know kid, you might want to get yourself looked at as well?” he says, still casual, but the look he slants her is knowing. She's given up hiding the limp she's just trying to keep the pain from her face. Every step is getting worse, but she can't deal with that right now either.

They reach the building and Han presses the button so the door slides open. A Togruta in medical whites is in front of the door with a clipboard. Her black and white montrals start at high peaks over her forehead and trail down to hang like braids on either side of her orange face. She hardly looks up from her clipboard as she greets them.

“The reason for your visit?” she asks blandly polite, her pen hovering over the paper. Jyn opens her mouth to speak when Han pipes in,

“Hey Ashla, it's been a while.”

Then she looks up at them, and raises her eyebrows...looking a little somewhere between mannered surprise and quiet exasperation.

“Oh, I see, you're with Han...so this will be off the books then?”

Then it's Jyn's turn to wheel towards Han, who looks _embarrassed_ of all things. It's Chewie who nods 'yes' for them.

And suddenly there are stretchers to lay Chirrut and Cassian down and both of them are being carried off while Jyn, Bodhi, and Baze are blocked from following. Baze looks like he's considering throwing these people out of his way and Jyn's trying to swallow down her panic as she watches Cassian get carried away and out of sight.

Behind her Han is saying something and so is the Togruta woman, but it's Bodhi that she hears,

“They're j-just being examined. Probably being p-prepped for bacta tanks and...we'd be in the way,” his voice is soft, but it's enough for Jyn to rip her gaze away from the corridor her friends disappeared down and turn towards Bodhi. Her lips are trembling again. Jyn hasn't cried this much in _years._ She hates that Han and the Togruta woman are seeing this, but Bodhi just looks at her. He's still twitchy, his hands restlessly pull on his jacket or dig into his pockets. Baze has also turned away from the orderlies to listen to Bodhi.

He just shrugs and looks at them with those big eyes of his.

“They will probably tell us th-things after Cassian and Chirrut have been seen to and we want them taken care of as quickly as possible so...” he let's the sentence hang unfinished having made his point and seemingly run out of things to say. Jyn nods and tries to wipe her eyes as nonchalantly as possible. Turning back to the woman she asks,

“How soon can we get some kind of prognosis or...” she trails off finding it hard to speak again. Everything is overwhelming right now, even help. She chooses to ignore the way Han stares at her like she's grown a second head. She also chooses to ignore the sudden wave of dizziness that hits her harder than she would like.

“I would prefer to be close to my husband,” Baze adds somewhat stiffly from where he stands beside her. The Togruta nods to them both.

“Yes of course, this one was right though,” she gestures to Bodhi,

“We will need to examine your friends to see the extent of their injuries and we will know better how they're faring once they've spent some time in bacta.” She pauses like she's giving them room to ask questions, but everything's worn Jyn to the bone and she has no words left. The woman directs her next statement at Baze.

“You can sit with your husband once he's been settled in one of the bacta tanks.” She pauses again, but Baze only nods and she continues,

“My name's Dr. Ashla Korbin, would you like to give me some false names to put on your friends' papers? I'm afraid I have to file something in order to account for the inventory we'll be using, but my staff is more interested in medicine than politics...”

That grabs Jyn's attention. She glances at the doctor and then the room and finally notices the Imperial insignia sewn on the woman's uniform. For a moment her heart stops and Jyn forgets how to breath. Her hand flies out and latches onto Han from where he's standing behind her. She turns on her heel to face him, her hand digging into his shirt.

“You took us to _an Imperial hospital_?” She all but hisses in his face, fighting to keep her voice low.

“Hey sweetheart, you just begged for a medical facility, you didn't specify political affiliations.” and he's raising his arms like he's surrendering any responsibility. She finds a million responses crowding behind gritted teeth, but she can't manage to say any of them aloud. Behind her the doctor is speaking again.

“I was afraid it might be one of those situations, would you like me to repeat what I just said?” she asks politely and Jyn's only half listening, her breath is coming in too fast.

They have her people.

_They have her people._

She gave them up to a roomful of Imperials, how could she be so stupid to not see the insignia? It's _everywhere._ Printed on signs, papers, doors, and on every uniform. Bodhi looks as scared as she feels and Baze looks ready to fight anyone standing between them and their friends.

“Kriffin' hell kid, what have you gotten yourself _into_ these last few years? Ashla's _fine._ ” Han is saying and she looks at him once, wild eyed and looks away. Still afraid, but embarrassed too.

“This place is an _Imperial hospital,_ ” Jyn says again, her voice sounding rough and shaky in her ears... She really should sit down, her leg feels like it's on fire.

“And as I said, none of us here really care about politics. We care about helping people,” the doctor tells her. Her voice is soft but firm.

“And you're sure, there isn't one of your staff whose a die hard Imperial?” Jyn asks and her voice is strained to almost nothing as she forces her grip on Han's shirt to loosen and drop.

“We're a small facility with a smaller staff on a back end planet at the far edge of a system the Empire barely cares about. This facility was built to fix up Storm Troopers, but we're _allowed_ to help others in emergencies.” She smiles thinly.

“We have many emergencies.”

It's only then that Jyn can fully catch her breath.

“If we're not ready in 24 hours, is there any chance you can delay that charter?” she asks Han and to his credit, he raises his brows only a little.

“I'll see what I can do kid... I'll let you know.”

And for a moment none of them speak.

“I will go look in on your friends and see how they're doing,” Dr. Korbin says and she turns and walks away. Her steps are as smooth and graceful as if nothing out of the ordinary happened at all... And perhaps for her this is ordinary.

She leaves the five of them standing there in the entrance... And Bodhi is the one who talks first.

“Are you okay?” he asks Jyn and she nods out of reflex.

Truthfully she's very tired... That hour of sleep on the shuttle was not even close to enough. Her leg is burning, and she can feel a cold sweat coming. She wants to sit down, but she's afraid if she moves she'll fall down. And nodding did not help with the room beginning to spin.

“Seriously kid, what have you been up to? You look like you've been through hell,” Han asks, sounding incredulous and curious in equal measure.

Chewie says something and she can't decipher if it's an agreement or something else.

“Absolute hell,” she agrees absently and she knows there are some chairs behind her. She should really sit down. She tries to take a step back but her legs feel like liquid beneath her. Somebody is saying something as she curiously presses a hand to her leg and stares in muted fascination when it comes away red.

There's some more talking happening around her, but she can't hear it over the ringing in her ears.

When she drops like a stone the last thing she feels is a pair of big arms instead of the ground and a deep voice saying,

“Rest now, little sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHE JUST REALLY NEEDED A NAP OKAY? and so her body made it happen...also Baze is great...Baze is next I have half a chapter or something of Baze. Also in terms of headcanons I might go into more detail about that time when Jyn and Han met before...I have ideas but obviously Jyn before Rogue One is really different to who she is now so...he's a little surprised is all. Writing Han is interesting because he has the capacity to be a huge dick...or decent enough... really interesting.
> 
> And thanks NewLeeland for saying nice things! And thank you to everybody who is quietly subscribing and leaving kudos and stuff. I appreciate all of you.
> 
> I should have another chapter out sometime over the weekend unless I actually get busy.


	8. Hear the Future Whisper (Baze)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was right and yesterday sucked. Have some fic.

 

 _Through the silence in my dead ear,_  
_I can almost hear the future whisper_  
_to the past: it says that this is not a test_  
_and everybody passes._

_—Memory As a Hearing Aid, Tony Hoagland_

\---

As soon as the Togruta had made it clear that they were safe here for the time being, he had let his attention narrow down to the hallway where Chirrut had been taken. No matter what Bodhi and the doctor said it gnawed at him to have Chirrut out of his sight.

He was the one who was supposed to protect him, watch over him.

He was a guardian of many things, Chirrut most of all. Baze was watching the scene before him, the nervous girl, unused to losing so much so quickly. He felt for her. He knew what it felt like for everything to slip through your fingertips like so much sand. He felt for all of them in their grief, but a few losses couldn't hurt him anymore. Losing the plans, losing planets... All of that feels like a lesser pain compared to the thought of losing his other half. Even the thought of losing the young captain eats away at his insides.

And so right now it is hard to tear his eyes away from that hallway... A watcher to the end... That's what he is.

The smuggler (Jyn had called him as much on the way to Tatooine) is questioning the girl because he doesn't seem to understand any of it. Baze can tell by looking at him that this man has no idea what it means to survive a war. The girl hardly understands herself, the little pilot as well. Both of them are still coming to grips with all of it and the only thing that will help is time.

He doesn't actually turn and face them until he sees her stagger in the corner of his eye. Bodhi is asking her again if she's alright and the smuggler is demanding answers and the wookiee is just making noise.

She takes another rag doll step and crumples. Lucky for them both he's there to catch her before she hits the ground.

“Rest now, little sister,” he tells her because she must. Since Scariff he's watched the girl forcing herself to stay alert, making decisions for them all. It felt right to let her do so, but now she's paying for it.

She feels very small in his arms. Remarkably fragile for a body that managed to deal such a blow to the Empire, even if it was all for naught. He knows there's some steel in there, but right now she's starting to sweat and her skin looks too pale. He thinks all of this in an instant before his hand goes to the bandage on her leg. His palm comes away bloody and the smuggler lets out a curse while Bodhi inhales too fast like he might choke.

He's reminded of Cassian only hours before on the shuttle. Except he had to fight sleep and she needs to let her body rest. While Bodhi races off to get the doctor, she comes back to struggle weakly against him.

“No...let me up...I'm fine,” she mumbles into the plastoid armor on Baze's arm.

“I think we should work on your definition of fine,” the smuggler says, standing over them and Baze decides to reconsider his previous poor opinion of the man.

“We agreed...only two...not three...”

“Well, I guess you'll owe me one sweetheart,” the smuggler says and Jyn is still shaking her head when the doctor comes back.

She looks down at them both with a blandly placid expression.

“Oh look, another emergency.”

She calls over an assistant and another stretcher and Jyn's still awake and faintly protesting as he helps lay her on the stretcher. She is carried off down the same hallway that took Chirrut and Cassian and watching her go makes his hands twitch for want of a weapon and something to shoot.

Now the smuggler, (Han, the girl said his name is Han) is looking at him and Bodhi like he expects them to provide him some answers.

“Will somebody please tell me what happened?” he asks and Baze looks him over once again. He really is as much a boy as the rest of them. Anyone so untested is a child in his eyes.

“A war happened,” he says simply and turns to walk down the hallway. He will wait if he must, but he will be as close as he can.

He leaves the smuggler behind with the wookiee who says something to Han in his own language. He trusts, and a glance proves him right, that Bodhi will follow him. That's good, he can watch over him too. When they step into the hallway the Togruta walks out of one of several doors lining the hall, and doesn't seem surprised in the slightest to find them right before her.

“Oh good, you saved me a trip,” she says and something about her calm reminds him of Chirrut a little. Baze hopes he will wake soon, he can tell Chirrut will like this one.

“Now your young woman is doing alright. It was as much exhaustion as it was blood loss. Her leg needs a proper bacta treatment or two and she needs some fluid replenishment. She's got a lot of bruising and some damage to her hands that we're going to look at as well but overall she'll be fine. Now, the young man...”

“Owen,” Bodhi says like it just occurred to him and the doctor smiles saying,

“Oh good, let me know when you think of her name...”

“Nomi,” Bodhi says and he sounds a little surer and her smile widens as she jots the names down on her clipboard.

“And your husband?” she asks Baze.

“Bevel Fah,” he supplies, giving her the name of a dead former guardian of their former temple on the former Jedha. It stings a little to name him after a dead man, but Chirrut had liked him and the woman smiles at him now. It's humor and it's gentle. They all know it's a lie, but maybe it's that caring gene that makes people become doctors, she seems to recognize pain in all its forms.

She jots that name down as well and then continues as if nothing happened,

“Your friend Owen has two broken ribs and one cracked. One broken rib did puncture a lung. I have my best surgeon doing some work on that before we put him in the tank. His shoulder was dislocated and we relocated it. He does have a moderate concussion, the bacta should be able to fix that we'll know better after his first treatment, but I would expect him to be alright with some rest and so on.” Bodhi sighs, sagging to lean against the wall. Baze feels himself deflate just a little, his shoulders loosening. He knows she saved Chirrut for last for a reason.

“Now your husband...”

“Don't tell me a list. Is he going to survive?” Baze demands as much as he asks and she meets his gaze squarely.

“I'm not sure. Bactas no miracle cure. He's alive now and we may have to work a few procedures on top of the treatments, but it's going to be a matter of waiting and then we'll see.”

It's almost funny... Even unconscious Chirrut only asks him to do what he does best. Wait and watch.

He knows then that even if the smuggler manages to delay his charter for another day, Chirrut will not be ready by then and so neither will Baze.

That's a misfortune they will have to bear.

The doctor is still waiting, giving them the space to respond if they want, Bodhi is watching him now with those sad eyes. Finally, he nods and she does too.

“Good, you can go sit with them if you like. Bevel and Nomi are in there, we'll bring Owen in once we've finished the surgery, which I would like to check on so if you'll excuse me.” She turns and walks down the hall. Both of them are practically inside the room when she calls out,

“Oh, and I'm sending one of my nurses to check both of you over.”

“Jy-” Bodhi cuts himself off and starts again,

“Nomi already took care of us.”

“And I'm sure she did beautifully, but you're here and I have a nurse with nothing but time, and all these supplies are _going_ to get used with an emergency like this. So you may as well,” she replies airily before she turning back the way she came. Her black and white montrals sway gracefully in time with her steps as she reaches her destination and disappears through a door.

Baze stares after the doctor with consideration. Chirrut would definitely like her. With that thought he goes into the door left open for them. Chirrut is already suspended in the bacta tank, Jyn's laid out with fresh bandages on her leg. By her cot there is a bag with some nearly clear liquid. A tube leads out from the bag to connect to her arm. It appears that they put in her in a hospital gown of some sort. Her clothes are folded in the corner. A blanket has been laid over most of her, leaving the bandaged leg exposed to the air.

Baze takes them both in with a sigh and goes to sit beside the bacta tank.

He likes to be close.

Bodhi takes a chair by the door and settles into it nervously. Since nerves could be applied to his every action it seems normal enough. Baze did not meet him before his treatment at the hands of the Partisans so he hardly knows what the boy's baseline was before. Truly, up until his conversation with Cassian on the way to Tatooine, he could safely say the only member of their team he knew at all was his husband. Of course, Baze was not the curious type. He was generally willing to accept what was in front of him and not ask for more.

Still... After everything... Baze finds himself a little curious.

A crisis of this nature... The near death and survival in the face of it...Such things tended to either pull people apart or force them closer together. In the case of this team ( _his_ team), it seems to be their glue. Jedha, Eadu, and then Scariff. They are bonded now in ways that he suspects the younger ones don't fully understand. Baze knows of such things... Familial bonds born out of time shared and blood spilled. Before their temple had been destroyed, there had been more guardians and they were like a family. Chirrut was the one he married, but they were all his brothers and sisters, and they were all gone now.

The moment Jyn can walk, she will be back up and fighting. Cassian will follow because they are tied together in a way that's all too familiar. Bodhi will follow as well because for all his fears, the boy wants to _do something_. He knows that feeling as well.

Chirrut will not be ready to leave and he is not ready to leave without Chirrut. He knows what it means when the doctors don't know, and it means time. It means he is not leaving this facility until Chirrut can leave with him or he's gone. And Baze cannot truly comprehend a world without him, so he will wait for his husband to heal and be with him again.

He will have to tell Bodhi first.

He carefully studies the little pilot now. He's bouncing one knee up and down while his hands toy with the seams of his clothes. He's got his eyes trained on the hallway as though he's acting as lookout. Perhaps he is. When he notices Baze watching, he glances over.

“Is s-something wrong?” the boy asks and Baze shakes his head.

“No, not in the immediate sense...” he trails off trying to find the words. He yearns for the thousandth time for Chirrut to be awake and alright in order to better have this conversation. He hardly knows where to begin...

“Did you ever expect it would end up like this?” he asks and that actually makes Bodhi still. Not entirely motionless, but close to it for an instant as he stares at Baze. Then he goes back to watching the hallway and bouncing his knee, but his eyes are thoughtful.

“You know they never talk about what it's l-like to live under the Empire,” Bodhi says after a long time.

“Not the Rebels, not the news, or in the stories... It's like the Empire shows up and everybody forgets we ever existed,” the boy slants a look at Baze. They're both from Jedha, so they know this in their bones. He simply nods and so does Bodhi.

“But the thing is... The Empire showed up when I was j-just a kid. I remember a little of before, but mostly a-after. It doesn't seem that different to me. A little grayer maybe and more people walking with their heads down but... It wasn't so b-bad most of the time,” he looks at Baze and his eyes are crowded with guilt and grief.

“I had my s-sister and my mom and once I knew the r-rules we were okay most of the time. If I could bring Jedha back... I wouldn't care if it came infested with Imperials I just—” he cuts himself and Baze nods because it's true.

“The t-truth is after I got captured by Saw I d-didn't expect to survive, I think... I've been s-scared shitless this whole time waiting to die and I haven't...” he trails off and goes back to watching the hallway.

“So n-no I didn't expect this.”

Baze takes a moment to turn over his words. He remembers seeing a shivering figure in a cell muttering to himself. He compares that to the boy hunched in his chair bouncing his foot on the ground and watching the doorway with clear eyes.

“You know, Chirrut always said the bravest man is the one who is afraid and acts anyway,” he says softly and Bodhi jerks a little to meet his eyes squarely for an instant before looking away again. His lips move soundlessly, like he's still speaking to himself under his breath. Then he looks back at Baze and Chirrut beside him,

“Thanks,” he says.

“There is nothing to be thankful for...” Baze says and it's true. The platitudes his husband speaks so well sound like poorer facsimiles from his lips. He is not the one who comforts people. He is not warm. And yet the boy looks at him and sits a little straighter in his chair like the phrase still means something coming from him.

Neither of them speak. The boy seems at a loss, but his eyes keep drifting towards Chirrut floating in the tank.

“I hope he gets better,” he finally says with a sincerity that hurts him to hear.

“He may not be better by the time Jyn is ready to leave,” Baze says and Bodhi nods like he's thought of this.

“You would stay behind?” he asks and it's Baze's turn to incline his head in affirmation. Bodhi looks away and nods again to himself

“I thought so... Jyn won't like it.”

“I think she will understand,” Baze says and it's true. He remembers Jyn on that burning beach trying to carry Cassian onto the ship by herself. Every second risking her death, and she chose to save him anyway. Of course Baze stepped in. He would like to always be around to step in, but the galaxy never once cared what he wanted. And the Force is a cruel power at best... If it exists at all.

“Once Chirrut is recovered, we will do our best to find you all again,” he says and the boy nods again like he's mulling it all over. Neither of them speak for a time. The room is all but silent except for the bubbling of the bacta tank and their own breathing.

Neither of them will say how in an endless galaxy with an uncertain path, it might be impossible to find each other again. When they go to retrieve the plans they could easily walk into another Scariff with less people at their backs. They could all die and there would be nothing for Baze to find. He sees it in the boy's expression and shaking hands.

Neither of them speak of this. Instead, they sit and listen. Eventually Cassian is rolled in, inside a second bacta tank. The nurse fiddles with some buttons and things as she settles it beside Chirrut's. Then he turns to them with a friendly smile crinkling at the corners of his double pupiled eyes. Once the nurse examines them both, quietly and efficiently, refreshes their bandages or applies them where needed, he leaves them alone.

Neither Baze nor Bodhi have anything left to say so they wait. Bodhi watches the hallway and Baze watches them all. He watches and he waits. He's a patient man. It's what he does best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story has almost 50 subscribers!?!?!?!!1! Thank you all so much, it means a lot when I write something and people like it. y'all are quiet but I guess your reading so WELCOME.  
> (Also I'm going back and doing edits on the earlier chapters over the weekend...I was calling Saw, Sol for a bit??)  
> Also Baze needs a nap EVERYBODY NEEDS A NAP. I watched a sad WWII movie last night and just started thinking about living on Jedha when it was occupied and I had FEELINGS. (Also I like the Togruta lady. I laughed for 5 minutes after I wrote 'oh look, another emergency' or whatever)
> 
> Cheers!


	9. Haven't Had a Good Dream in a Long Time(Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm an impatient soul and gosh how do people get beta's? My last one was my sister and she was mean. I'll probably edit this more in the morning but here it is hot off the presses!

 

_Haven’t had a good dream in a long time_  
_See, the life I’ve had can make a good man bad_  
_So for once in my life, let me get what I want_  
_Lord knows, it would be the first time._

_—Please, Please, Please by The Smiths_

 ---

The first time he wakes up, there's a strange dislocating sensation of fragmented memories. What he remembers last was sitting in the co-pilots seat on their shuttle. Jyn was holding his hand and Bodhi was telling them a story about Jedha. He doesn't remember what the story was about, but he remembers hearing  of Jedha. It was at some point during that, he had slipped into an inky black sleep.

Now he's wearing a hospital gown in an unfamiliar room and his nose is filled with the sticky scent of bacta. He takes all this in over the course of a drowsy moment or two, sleep still dragging at him and slowing down his thoughts. A glance beside him shows Jyn laid out in a hospital gown that matches his own, all the frown lines of her face smoothed out with sleep. Another glance shows Chirrut suspended in a bacta tank in the corner of the room, with Baze leaning against it, his head bowed to his chest while he sleeps. While Bodhi's slumped forward in a chair by the door. It eases something in his chest to see them all there. That's enough to let him slip back into unconsciousness.

The second time he startles awake to a Togruta woman and a med droid.

“Good morning Owen,” the woman says

_Owen?_

“I had to put a name down on your records. That's the name your friends gave me,” she says mildly.

“They also said your other friends names are Nomi and Bevel,” and his mind churns at half speed, but it makes sense that they didn't provide their real names. Bevel must be Chirrut but why did she need Jyn's name? And why does she seem aware that these are fake names?

“Everything is fine, we're just prepping you for your next round of bacta treatments,” and part of him says he doesn't know this woman and he should be suspicious, but he's too tired to fight it as they hook him up to tubes and things.

“What's wrong with... Nomi...” he says, even his mouth feels heavy and uncooperative, the words come out messy and strange sounding.

“She's fine, she just needed some better bandages and some rest. Your friends are all fine.” The woman says, gentle and smooth. He wants to ask what happened? What needed bandages? Instead sleep grabs at him again and pulls him under.

The third time he wakes, the lights in the room are dimmed. He blinks away sleep and runs again smells the heavy scent of bacta. He runs a hand through his hair and it's damp with the stuff. Little clumps of gel sluicing out around his fingers. He grimaces and thinks about finding the refresher, he certainly needs it. There's a chrono beside his cot that says it's 0500 hours so it's early morning.

Then he remembers. His last clear memory is of Bodhi and Jyn and the shuttle. Then something about Owen, Jyn, _Nomi._

Something happened while he was asleep.

He jolts upright in bed, heart pounding, and he regrets it immediately. A gasp escapes him at the pain of half healed ribs and the hole in his shoulder protests the sudden movement.

“Cassian?” the voice comes out a little soft and sleep rumpled. He turns to see Jyn, on the cot beside his with fresher looking bandages on her leg. It takes a moment for it all to register and then she sits up to look at him. When she speaks, she keeps her voice low,

“Cassian you're awake! The doctor said you woke up for a little while this morning... Or yesterday I guess...” she doesn't finish the thought. There's excitement in her voice, but it's dimming. Cassian tries to smile back, but he's caught in a grimace as he slowly lowers himself back to lying down. Breathing through gritted teeth as he does so.

“...Cassian are you—” she began and he cut her off.

“I'm fine Jyn, really I just sat up too fast.”

And then neither of them speak. He's tired, but awake now so he takes a moment to look at where they ended up. In the dim light he can see what looks like a clean, if rundown med facility. Baze and Bodhi are sleeping in the same spots as whenever he woke up last.

“How long has it been?” he finally thinks to ask.

“A little over a day I think. You've had two sessions in the bacta tank. I think they're keeping Chirrut in his until he's stable but they needed to do some extra procedures on you...”

There is nothing comforting in those statements. He never liked the med facilities. He liked to get in and get out as fast as possible. He doesn't like having no memory of his arrival or these procedures. And the fact that Chirrut is doing so bad they are afraid to remove him from the bacta? He exhales and tries to push that all away to worry over later. Jyn's watching him and he wonders if she knows what's worrying him or she's remembering the hours he spent almost dying beside her. He shakes his head a little and changes the subject.

“Did the doctor's check out Bodhi and Baze?” he asks, keeping his voice soft and Jyn sighs.

“Yes, they looked after all of us.” and she's speaking carefully. He watches her closely for a moment before glancing at the fresh bandages on her leg.

“What happened?”

She sighs, “Cassian it's _fine._ ”

“Did something happen?” he asks and she looks away from him.

“I collapsed after we got here,” she says, sounding both embarrassed and apologetic in equal measure. Cassian swears under his breath,

“ _Shavit,_ you passed out?” and she lifts herself up on her elbow to glare at him.

“Listen, somebody had to be making sure... I was the one who knew Han and then this hospital is _apparently_ Imperial run but its not really, and you were out cold...” Her whisper trails off with a vague wave of her hand and Cassian looks away feeling a little embarrassed. With him and Chirrut out of commission it would have been just her, Baze, and Bodhi...

He can imagine the scenario and it looks less than ideal... Everything leading up to arriving here was less than ideal... He sighs and lets it go for the time being. Instead, he lifts up the hand he broke punching a wall and experimental flexes his fingers. There's a bone deep soreness, but he can tell it's beginning to heal properly. Everything still aches, but not like it had on the shuttle.

“The doctor said it was only half blood loss,” she adds after awhile sounding a little sheepish and he takes a breath. His brain catches on part of her previous statement and,

“Imperial but not?” he asks and she sighs.

“Apparently they are Empire funded but not closely monitored, she's keeping us off the books and I think if she was lying we'd be dead by now.” She says and he raises his eyebrows a little as he takes a moment to look her over. She's still bruised and battered but she looks less frayed compared to the shuttle. There's even bacta patches on her burns and he finally nods at her explanation. Under the circumstances he's not sure he could have done better.

“How's your leg?” he asks.

“Better. How's your...?” She trails off again, clearly not wanting to list all the broken parts of him.

“Better,” he replies and she nods, several emotions flitting across her features as she looks away.

He wonders if they are ready to talk about Scariff.

Ready to talk about everyone who died for nothing.

It hangs in the air like a specter between them.

“I want to go after the plans,” she says in the quiet and he moves to look at her.

“How?”

“General Draven said that when they intercepted Princess Leia's ship they were charting a course for Alderaan. Today Bodhi and Baze went and sold the shuttle. It's slow and it's Imperial so it would draw attention. With the money from that, we can charter Han to fly us to Alderaan on his ship, the Millenium Falcon...” She hesitates for a moment before adding,

“The Falcon's garbage, but it's fast garbage.”

And he doesn't know what to say. While he was sleeping, she was planning. Not satisfied to sit in the wreckage and the aftermath, she still wants to make things right. There's a reason they all followed her to Scariff. It was easy to follow a path once it had been laid at their feet. Maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it, but she's still the one blazing that trail through sheer stubbornness and the rest of them are merely following in her footsteps.

 _Rebellions are built on hope._ They had said once a few days and a thousand years ago, and the proof is staring at him from her own cot with impatient, star bright eyes. She watches him like she's waiting for him to say something.

That's when it occurs to him,

“What do we do when we get to Alderaan?” he asks and she shrugs, looking lost and frustrated.

“I haven't the faintest kriffing idea, but I was hoping once we got there, we could figure that part out,” she says and he nods.

“Okay,” he says.

“Okay?” she repeats sounding incredulous.

“Yes, okay... This is as good a plan as we can make given our limited information and resources. You were right to sell the shuttle. Once we get to Alderaan, we can assess the situation better and figure out our next move,” he says and she seems almost surprised. By what, he can't say, but there's a smile playing at the edges of her lips.

It fades quickly as she rolls on her back to look up at the ceiling again.

“There's another problem,” she says

“Why am I not surprised?” he asks, his voice dry as the Tatooine desert.

“Han has another charter set up, one that's probably going to pay him better and they are supposed to leave today. He was able to get them to wait for a day, but that means they _have_ to leave today and...” she trails off looking morose.

She doesn't need to explain why any further. His ribs are still only half healed. His whole body feels brittle like it could break at the slightest impact. The concussion might be better, but the blaster to the shoulder is still fresh enough that it could tear open again with too much strain. And that's just him...

He doesn't know exactly how bad Jyn's leg was when they arrived, but if she can't walk on it then things can go bad very quickly. And Chirrut's condition is barely even stable. Another day won't be enough for him.

“That means we'll lose Baze as well,” he says and she nods looking miserable.

“Perhaps he can meet up with us once Chirrut's recovered?” he suggests and she glances at him, once and away. Optimism doesn't suit either of them well, but it's hard to consider the alternative.

“ _If_ he recovers,” she mutters and Cassian sighs. She is looking at the ceiling again, weighed down by everything that led them here. There's a bleakness to her expression that he wishes he could fix.

“I believe Chirrut would say he is one with the Force... And so the Force is with him,” he says to her and it's meant to be a comfort when he's fairly certain that neither of them really believe in the Force. Her mouth twists into a smile that's far too bitter.

“Yes, he would also say 'All is as the Force wills it,' and the Force could will him to die because the Force is a piece of—” she cuts herself off, but the meaning is clear as she reaches up to clutch at that crystal charm she's always wearing. A tear silently slides down her cheek and there's nothing he can say.

A low grumble startles them both.

“He would say it's late and both of you need your rest,” Baze grumbles from his spot beside Chirrut's bacta tank. Both of them startle like children misbehaving around their parents.

“Sorry, we woke you,” Jyn says and Baze trundles to his feet and shakes his head.

“You had things you needed to discuss, but there's a few hours yet before morning. And let me worry about Chirrut,” he tells them both and for some reason that's enough to make Jyn have to turn away from them and take a deep breath. She wipes at her face with a rough hand like she has no more patience for tears. Then she sits up to look over at him.

“And if we leave today, you'll stay here with him?” she asks and her voice hardly breaks at all.

“I will,” Baze says and she nods, her mouth tight.

“Of course, I will regret leaving, little sister. As soon as Chirrut's well, I believe he will agree with my intention to meet you out there,” he continues. Jyn's nodding again trying to be casual as she wipes fresh tears away.

It's then that sleep begins to tug at Cassian again. He covers a yawn and both of their gazes flick to him.

“We can discuss this more in a few hours. Rest now,” Baze says and it sounds gentle despite the gruffness of his voice.

Cassian settles back into bed and so does Jyn. He begins to drift the moment he closes his eyes, he's almost asleep when he hears,

“I'm really glad you're okay,” Jyn whispers, hardly louder than a breath of air, and he smiles without opening his eyes and replies,

“Same to you.”

And with that, he's out.

When he wakes up again, it's to voices.

“You look better... Or at least better than a pile of bantha dung now,” a man says

“Gee thanks,” the reply is dry.

“Are you willing to tell me what happened now? Seriously, if I'm taking on the Empire's most wanted I need to know now.”

The reply is hesitant

“Would you believe me if I said you're better off not knowing?”

“No, I would not. Talk, kid. The big guy said you were in a _war_? I want to know what that's about.”

As Cassian slowly opens his eyes, Jyn begins to speak haltingly from her cot beside him.

“We stole something from a fortified Empire base... Plans for a weapon and...” she trails off and Cassian gets a look at the back of this man who he assumes must be the smuggler with the ship. Tall, dark hair, blaster strapped to his side, arm folded and from what he can see, an expression he would classify as complacent.

“Technically, we went against the Rebellion's orders to do it and...” Jyn sounds like she's treading lightly through a minefield. So Cassian finishes the thought with a truth that he hopes will shut this conversation down,

“And a lot of people died.”

Both of them turn to look at him.

“Oh, looks like this one's alive now,” the man says, at the same time Jyn says,

“Sorry, we woke you, you could have slept for at least another hour or two.”

“Well I'm awake now and does that satisfy your questions?” he addresses the last to the man who shifts his feet a little glancing back and forth between them.

“We're taking off at 1200 from docking bay 4. I'll take anyone who's there in time. If you're not there I'm taking your credits and leaving without you.” He points a finger at them both and Cassian shoots him a dark look. Jyn seems hardly bothered.

“Docking bay 4,” she repeats before giving him a sloppy salute and the man shakes his head.

“You've gotten a lot weirder since last time kid,” he says and Jyn smiles a little lopsided at him

“I'll take that as a compliment. Now get lost, you've got a ship to prep.” Han flaps a hand at her and turns to go,

“You're lucky you and the other guys are both headed to Alderaan. You'll need to clue me in about what makes that place so great when we get there,” he says over his shoulders.

“I hear they have lovely nude beaches, now beat it,” Jyn replies and he raises a hand in farewell as he heads out the door. As soon as he's gone Cassian turns to her with raised eyebrows. She sighs and scrubs at her face with one bandaged hand.

“Sorry,” she says after a moment,

“He's always like that.”

“You mean he's always convinced that he's the Force's gift to the galaxy?” Cassian asks dryly and now she favors him with another crooked smile.

“Basically, but he's decent and he'll keep quiet. Tatooine isn't exactly known for its reputable inhabitants. I don't know how long it would take to find another pilot we could trust willing to fly us to Alderaan.” she says and he sighs.

“Does it strike you as odd that his other passengers are going to Alderaan too?” he asks and it's her turn to sigh.

“Yes, but we need to get moving. We can keep our mouths shut. On the Falcon, the flight will take a little more than half a day. That isn't that long and if they cause any trouble, Chewie will back us up,” she says with a confidence that neither of them feel.

“Chewie?” he asks.

“Han's co-pilot. He's a wookiee and he likes me,” she says and there's almost a smile present.

“And Han?” he asks and she rolls her eyes.

“As long as we don't break his precious garbage heap he'd be on our side for sure.”

That's a meager comfort but they have little else, so he'll take it. He glances around the room to find the chair by the door is vacant and so is the spot by Chirrut's bacta tank.

“Where are Baze and Bodhi?” he asks.

“They are finalizing the sale on that shuttle. The Twi'lek who was willing to buy it said he'd come with the credits today and inspect the shuttle. They should be back soon,” she says and he nods.

“How much did they get for it?”

“11,000 credits.” He nods again, for a beat up Imperial shuttle that's not bad.

Then they are left in silence again.

Jyn is still staring at the bacta tank. Something bleak hangs on her shoulders and at the edges of her mouth. He thinks maybe they should talk about all the things that happened.

Scariff and the near death and that hour she spent holding his hands while he wavered between waking and sleep and trying not to die. He wonders if they need to talk about the fact that she wore herself down to collapse without him there to help. He wonders if they should talk about her father or K-2 or all the other bodies they left in their wake on this journey.

He thinks there's a lot of ghosts between the two of them and he's not sure he's brave enough to clear the air. How much was forgiveness and how much was fear for more loss of life? For all that she likes to be tough (not _pretend_ to be, the girl is sharper edged than a knife and just as dangerous), he wonders how much of that time between sending the plans and waking up here was just desperation. He could sympathize if it was.

He thinks he will never be able to see sand again without smelling burnt flesh and seeing death in every direction.

He wonders what happens to a star after the supernova.

' _The strongest stars have hearts of kyber,'_

That's something Chirrut said to Jyn and he just overheard it, back before all of this, back when Jedha was still a living, breathing city and not a crater, little more than dust and black glass. He didn't know what it meant, although everything Chirrut says seems to have several meanings and he wonders.

That's when Jyn starts to get up off her cot. He glances at her and without having to ask, she points at the chrono. It reads 1015.

“I'm going to use the refresher and then you're next. We have to get moving,” she says and as has become their habit, he'll follow her lead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I really like feelings? I think next chapter we're gonna meet Luke, Obi-Wan and the gang!  
> Also this chapter was a nice break for everybody right?? I mean they got their god damn naps at least...and even some light funnies? Would a nude beach really exist in star wars? There must be aliens who don't wear clothes? IDK I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.  
> Also that quote for Cassian from The Smiths makes me real sad. (And anyone who catches the Brothers Bloom reference gets a cookie
> 
> Btw no idea how time is measured in Star Wars except for that parsec which is distance not time or vice-versa. So military style and still calling it hours. Feel free to correct me if I've made an error. I keep having to google things like what Star Wars calls plastic. 
> 
> And thank you so much to everybody who has kudos'd, bookmarked, and commented since the last chapter! I think there are a bunch more of you now so welcome! Feel free to flail at me about Star Wars on Tumblr @ladyknightthebrave


	10. It Hurts to Become(Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost tried to move some chapters and instead wrote half this chapter as a flashback. Have I mentioned I hate tenses? Anywhoodle hopefully the chronology makes sense I tried my darndest to make it match.

 

 _I said to the the sun_  
_“Tell me about the big bang”_  
_The sun said_  
_“it hurts to become”_  
_..._  
_Some days, I call my arms wings while my head is in the clouds_  
_It will take me a few more years to learn_  
flying  _is not pushing away the ground_  
_safety isn’t always safe_  
_you can find one on every gun.  
_ _I am aiming to do better._

_—I sing the body electric, especially when the powers out, Andrea Gibson_

 ---

As Bodhi walks through the Tatooine markets to the docking bay, Baze making heavy steps behind him, he can’t help but mull over events of the last day or so.

\---

After arriving at the med facility everybody had taken some time to get seen to and rest.

He'd talked with Baze for a time and it felt strange to voice thoughts about Jedha aloud, but the large man was probably the best person to hear them. He didn't make faces or saying anything back, he hardly even blinked, he just listened and accepted the things Bodhi said without judgment.

The nurse had brought them some food after looking them both over, and by unspoken agreement they set some aside for Jyn just in case this was it for food from these people.

He took up his seat by the door like a guard at his post. It had a good view of the entrance and most of the hallway they were in. Jyn had been so scared to hear this was an Imperial hospital and he could understand why. As nice as the doctors were, it felt right to keep watch... Just in case

He didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep by the door until he startled awake several hours later. The chrono by Jyn's cot read 0800 hours… So about 5 or 6 hours since Jyn had collapsed. He sat up in his chair and glanced around.

His first surprise was seeing the smuggler was back. He had found another chair and managed to look completely at ease in it, his feet resting on a crate, his arms folded across his chest. He was clearly waiting for Jyn to wake up.

A glance across the room showed Baze was awake and watching them... That was good, Baze would have stepped in if there was any real danger.

It was the smuggler who spoke first

“You know it’s really unnerving when your friend does that staring thing,” he said and the fact he was addressing Bodhi came as a shock. He, of course, had no idea what to say in response to the man and Baze remained silent. Although Bodhi could _swear_ the edges of his eyes seemed to crinkle a little. Was Baze was _enjoying_ putting the smuggler on edge?

“Well... Baze can d-do whatever he wants, Mr...?” Bodhi began before realizing he didn’t know the man’s name.

“Han,” he supplied.

“Okay... Han...” And Bodhi _really_ didn't know what to say next ( _'I'm just the pilot'_ ) and so they lapsed back into silence. He fidgeted underneath the other man's gaze, but it was Han, who couldn’t seem to abide the quiet.

“Listen, I was _going_ to wait and tell the kid, but I guess she hit the deck harder than I thought.” Bodhi wondered if there was a way for somebody to lightly collapse in Han's mind but the man was still talking.

“I _tried_ to talk to him,” he pointed at Baze, “But he doesn’t _say anything,_ so I’ll tell you. I got my clients to agree to wait. You have tomorrow, we leave the day after at 1200 hours.”

“I-I'll let her k-know,” Bodhi said and Han nodded before jumping to his feet like his seat was burning him.

“Alright well...with that settled, I've got places to be,”

Bodhi could imagine the sort of places a man like him needed to be, but again he said nothing. He simply nodded and watched the man walk out. As soon as he was out the door Bodhi looked at Baze,

“Were you doing that on p-purpose? Messing with him with the s-staring?”

“Yes.” Baze said with a completely straight face and Bodhi gaped at him. The man's eyes were crinkling again as he said,

“Only ridiculous men are so easily unnerved,”and Bodhi continued to stare.

“That man is _very_ ridiculous.”

That startled a laugh from Bodhi and Baze actually smiled a little in reply.

They both took turns using the refresher and when Bodhi came back from his turn, Cassian had been set up in a tank beside Chirrut's. It was eerie to watch them both floating there so Bodhi instead chose to take up his post by the door and keep watch again. He fell asleep same as last time, but he hoped the thought counted for something. That the net amount of hours spent watching the hall added up to something worthwhile.

He didn't have time to think it over much further once he was fully awake. He opened his eyes to find he was practically pinned down by the intense scrutiny of Jyn's gaze.

“G-good morning,” he stuttered and she didn't speak for a moment. Her mouth was tight and from what he could see her hand was fisted in the blanket laid over her cot. Still, she didn't speak, her hands fisting a little tighter in the blankets.

“Jyn?” he finally asked because the silence and the staring were making him uncomfortable now, he thought of Han the day before and sympathized.

“How long was I out?”

“I d-don't know, since we got here y-yesterday?”

At that she jolts upright in bed, her eyes blazing,

“It's been _that long? Kriffing—_ ” she cuts herself off and looked away towards Cassian. At some point while they were asleep the doctors must have removed him from the bacta. He was dead asleep on a cot beside Jyn's. Even from Bodhi's spot by the door, he could smell the bacta on the man, his hair looked sticky with the stuff. But other than that he looked better than when they arrived.

When she spoke again, it sounded like she was scraping the words out of her throat.

“How is he?”

“I d-don't know,” He replied honestly and Jyn sighed and looked away. Letting her gaze slide back to Bodhi... He found it had a little less heat this time but her jaw was still tight.

“Did the doctors...” she trailed off, simply pointing to the bacta patches for the burns on his cheek.

“Yeah, they checked us out... Clean b-bill of health,” he tries to say the last like it was good news, but there was no good news. Only news that was less bad.

And she nodded, but it seemed like she was still wound too tight. He wanted to say something to help but he couldn't think of anything until he remembered the one piece of actual good news.

“Oh! Han came by l-last night... You were still asleep um...” Now he had that intense stare again and he wondered if she had ever melted anything with her eyes. If her gaze might have the same effect as light refracted through glass when aimed at a flammable object.

“Uh, he s-said we had u-u-until t-tomorrow at 1200 hours,” he said suddenly nervous for some reason. But she simply let out a long sigh and broke off her laser-like stare. She was still gritting her teeth, but her shoulders seemed to settle a little.

“This is good news,” Baze said from his spot in the corner of the room and they both started and stared at him. Jyn nodded a little to herself.

“It is,” she agreed, but she still wouldn't relax. Instead, she squared her shoulders and looked between the two of them.

“We need to sell the ship. Any ship with an Imperial logo is too flashy for us right now,” she said.

“And use the money to pay the smuggler to fly to Alderaan,” Baze said and Bodhi turned to stare at him feeling like he missed a conversation. Maybe he did, because she nodded her head and clutched the hospital gown tighter around her as she moved the blanket aside. Like she was preparing herself to stand.

“ _No_ ,” and she froze as Baze trundled to his feet and fixed her with a steady glare that matched her own.

“But I—” she cut off when she tried to move her leg and the pain of it killed the words before she said them.

“No,” Baze said again. Stepping over to her cot and throwing the blanket back over her. She glared daggers up at him.

“It would be better if I went to sell the shuttle,” she said to him, and it sounded petulant, probably even in her ears judging by the face she made after.

“No,” he repeated, leaving no room for argument. Bodhi watched the whole thing caught between shock and something that almost felt like amusement. When the idea occurred to him, he spoke it without thinking.

“I can s-sell the shuttle,” he said and suddenly felt caught between two stares. Jyn looked ready to object when Baze said

“I'll go with him,” and it seemed like Jyn couldn't argue that. She just watched as Bodhi got up from his chair and looked up at Baze.

“Ready?” Baze asked, his voice a low rumble and Bodhi nodded.

“Y-yeah...okay.”

Selling the ship turned out to be a lot easier than he thought with Baze at his back. The male twi'lek who purchased it seemed slimy, ready to try and pay them less than the ship was worth. All it took was a meaningful stare from Baze for the male to buy it at full price.

They promised to at the docking bay tomorrow, he would inspect the ship and pay for it then.

\---

Now Bodhi muses at the oddness of having the assassin at his back and finding that is the least of his concerns... If he thinks too hard about the last few days he's sure he'll implode... Or possibly scream until his vocal chords snap.

But, having Baze as backup is shockingly a comfort. He feels like he understands now how Baze and Chirrut got along so well... And then he thinks about Chirrut. The doctor had said his condition was too fragile to be removed from the bacta yet. Baze had taken this with the same calm resignation he seemed to take everything. The only thing Bodhi noticed was that his hands clenched for lack of another hand to hold.

Bodhi doesn't understand that kind of connection... Not really... But it seems so comfortable between the two of them...He's trying not to think about what would happen if Chirrut died. Would Baze take that just as quietly? He needs to stop thinking this as he glances back at the larger man, as he has been doing every few minutes since they left the med-facility. Baze is still there, steady and quiet, same as every other time he checked.

They reach the shuttle before the twi'lek and Bodhi stands at the entryway nervously, his eyes constantly flitting this way and that.

_He's just the pilot._

Stormtroopers could see them with a stolen Imperial vessel and they would have questions. Questions he can't answer. He wants to flatten himself to the ground at every step he hears, having to twist and see who's coming.

He's only the pilot and he's ready to crawl out of his own skin. Everything is too loud and the space is too open, too exposed. He shivers despite the warmth.

“This will go much better if you _appear_ calm,” Baze says behind him and Bodhi turns to stare at the man and tries not to hyperventilate. There is no judgment in the larger man's gaze. Just the same steady look that's become a familiar sight. Bodhi meets his eyes for a moment and forces himself to take a deep breath. He's about to turn around when he sees the man's gaze flicker to something behind him. He turns so fast he almost falls over.

“State your business,” a filtered metallic voice says and his insides are screaming when he turns to see two stormtroopers standing before him.

He thinks all the air might have just left the area or possibly the atmosphere, while his brain scrambles for something. He still has the Imperial patch on the sleeve of his battered jacket.

Appear calm, Baze had said and a part that predates this mission kicks in.

Years of experience pretending everything was fine when stormtroopers with guns stood at every corner. When his mother used to grip his arm too tight while he led her through the market. When he went to an academy run by the people who were grinding him down his entire life.

He puts a little iron in his spine and straightens to a casual salute. Not the full formal salute for superiors. As a cargo pilot he's roughly on the same level as a Storm Trooper in the hierarchy. If he flew a TIE Fighter they might have saluted _him_ , but that was neither here nor there.

Then he thinks of the smuggler, the way he made sitting in a hard wooden chair look easy, the way he made standing look comfortable. Affecting a little bit of a casual slouch he waves a hand at the shuttle and begins,

“Yeah sorry, I was making a supply run to Mon Gazza and as I was h-heading back to the Naboo base my power cells failed. I was barely able to land her, l-luckily I know a guy who can replace the cells and get me on my way,” he shoves his hands in his pockets and prays they don't read too much into the stutter. His nails dig into his palms, but manages to keep his face clear, if not _actually_ casual. The Troopers give nothing away through their black eye panels and their nonchalant hold on their weapons.

“Why didn't you report to the Tatooine base?” one asks and Bodhi wants to faint, but instead he sighs.

“Communications went out with the power cells.” He even kicks the shuttle for effect.

“She's dead in the water until my guy comes with the power cells. I had to send a runner, he should be here within the hour.”

And he prays this works.

Neither of the Troopers speak for a moment. Finally, one of them points at him.

“Go about your business. And you,” the Trooper points at Baze

“No loitering near Empire personnel. Be on your way.” And Baze just shrugs like it's nothing at all and moves off into the market.

The Troopers nod and march away, leaving Bodhi behind. He waits until they are gone from sight to melt against the side of the shuttle, feeling his heart pounding out of his chest. He wonders if this is what a heart attack feels like. He must be due for one after the amount of stress he's been under over the last few days.

“You were imitating the smuggler,” Baze observes, his voice low and his eyes amused as he comes back to stand at his former spot behind Bodhi. For his part Bodhi can only nod, breathless and muted. His hands are shaking and Baze nods his chin out towards the market.

“Here comes our buyer.”

And the twi'lek is no less slimy than the day before. He tries several times to drive the price lower. He picks and pokes at the inside of the ship and it's hull like he's hoping a piece will come off and he can refuse to pay them in full.

“Oh come on, surely this is worth no more than 9,000 credits, he says for what feels like the sixth time.

“12,000 or we find a-another buyer,” Bodhi says and the twi'lek goes quiet again. He's in the front examining the control column from the pilot's seat and Bodhi's itching to leave.

“10,000 is more than fair,” the twi'lek wheedles turning to him again and Bodhi is ready to scream when Baze steps forward behind him. He gives the twi'lek a meaningful stare and turns off the safety on his repeater rifle with a loud and ominous click.

After that it's quick work to transfer the funds and confirm their receipt. As soon as he can, Bodhi flees the scene with relief, knowing Baze will be right behind him

\---

When they reach the med-facility both Cassian and Jyn are awake and dressed. It looks like Cassian is more or less up to speed and both of them got the chance to use the refresher. Finally Jyn's lost all the traces of Scariff dirt from her cheeks and it seems the facility even cleaned their clothes while they weren't wearing them.

Dr. Korbin is there with a patient smile.

“I would tell you both to go easy, but I suspect that would be pointless,” she smiles serenely at them and Jyn even manages a brief smile back.

“Thank you for your help... You've been very kind,” she sounds awkward, but sincere, like she's not used to thank yous and Cassian is silent and putting on his jacket with care.

“Oh! That reminds me,” she says and she heads out of the room for a moment and comes back with her hands full. She shoves a protein bar into Cassian and Jyn's hand and places one in Bodhi's palm as well.

“Um...” he begins to say, but she's not done.

She hands them a fully stocked med kit. Not the sad excuse for one on the shuttle. Jyn goggles at her and tears it open to find a large round of gauze and a decent jar of bacta along with the patches. Bodhi peaks over her shoulder and whistles a little. There's pain meds, some stims, an antibiotic and a fever med and Jyn makes a small, helpless sound at the back of her throat while Cassian manages to speak,

“This is too much, we can't possibly—”

“Oh, but you can possibly,” she interrupts him and that smile never wavers,

“We did good work on you. It would be a shame for you to undo it getting up to whatever put you in the league with that nerf-herder Han Solo.” and Jyn's mouth is hanging open but the doctor is not done.

“Also, I don't know if you know this, but we had a _very_ large emergency. There was a massive accident with some sand people, or possibly some rebels. There might have been a fire even... Or possibly just some very loud banthas. Either way we burned through a _lot_ of supplies.”

They really don't know what to say, but the doctor simply adds,

“We had a couple, Owen and Nomi among the casualties and their friend Bevel is still in critical condition. So who can possibly say how much supplies we used, it was very serious after all. Lives were at stake,” and she's not smiling as she closes the lid of the med kit and pushes it back into Jyn's hands.

“ _Thank you,_ ” Jyn says fervently, clutching the case tightly and staring at the Togruta woman.

“May the Force be with you,” the doctor says with a smile back in place. She gives them one final nod before she turns and heads out the door, leaving them all stunned in her wake.

“How did _that_ man manage to find _her_?” Cassian finally asks in the silence and Jyn shrugs a little.

“Perhaps she has low standards,” she says and Bodhi can't help the snicker that escapes him. Jyn flashes him a smirk, but it's gone in an instant. She tucks the kit into her bag and her steps are slow like Cassian putting on the jacket was slow. Injuries can only heal so much in a day's time, but neither of them seem bothered. Just moving with care.

Jyn slings the bag on her back and Cassian finishes strapping his blaster to his waist. Suddenly they are all on one side of the room and Baze is on the other.

Bodhi feels a sinking in his stomach because it must be time.

The chrono by the cots reads 1130 hours.

Cassian's first, clasping the man's arm in one hand and clapping him on the shoulder with the other. There is real warmth in his eyes when he says,

“When you're ready, contact Yavin IV. Bodhi opened communications. We'll send updates when we can so you can find us.” Baze nods once and turns to Jyn who stares up at him for a long moment before she reaches up to wrap her arms around him in a fierce embrace.

“Please watch over your husband for us, I'll never forgive you if something happens to him,” she says into his shoulder, trying for stern and almost missing entirely. Baze nods solemnly and she steps back.

Finally, he turns to Bodhi, who is fighting the lump in his throat and his twitching hands. He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks up at the man. It's only been days since they met, but they all feel like family now or something akin to it. Baze rests both hands heavily on Bodhi's shoulders.

“Chirrut would say Jedha is only dead when it is forgotten. So keep surviving, and remember to carry our home with you,” and Bodhi swallows back tears and nods. Baze nods back and lets his hands fall to his sides and takes a step back to stare at all of them.

“My husband was always better with farewells. So don't die and then this won't be a farewell,” he tells them and they all nod once in reply. Then, with a final wave they leave the med-facility behind along with Baze and Chirrut.

Bodhi can only pray to whatever forces might be listening that Baze is right and this won't be goodbye.

Cassian and Jyn walk at a measured pace and they still manage to get there at 1200.

Just in time to see an old man in a cloak, a blond teenager, and two droids go racing up the entry ramp to the Millenium Falcon while Han and Chewie trade blaster shots with Storm Troopers.

“ _Your late!_ ” Han yells as he dodges a blaster bolt.

“ _We're on time_ ,” Jyn yells back as she rips out her own blaster to shoot.

“Just get on before I leave without you!” he shouts and with that they all run through the blaster fire with a sense of deja vu and make it aboard the Falcon right as it begins to take off.

“Better late than never,” Han says as he muscles by them,

 _"Chewie, get us out of here!"_ he yells as he runs to the cockpit. The ship bobbles and shifts underfoot as it lifts off the ground.

"Oh my, I've forgotten how much I hate space travel," the tall golden droid complains from the seat he found at a table. 

As the ship leaves the Tatooine atmosphere, they all take a collective breath. Everybody staring at each other. They are all strangers to each other and Bodhi's always been bad with new people. That was before The Partisans trashed his brain and he nearly died 20 times in as many hours. His hands twitch in his pockets beneath the gaze of these strangers. The boy stares at them with bright eyes and he's the first one to speak.

Jyn's the closest to him, so he sticks out his hand and smiles without any guile and says,

“Hi, I'm Luke Skywalker, nice to meet you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aw saying bye to Baze was hard...I really feel like him and Bodhi and Chirrut have a special bond because they share a homeland that's now extinct.  
> I almost ended the chapter with the goodbye BUT I PROMISED YOU THE NEW HOPE CREW AND HERE THEY ARE. Luke's a dork and I love him.  
> Also I really do love Han but I also love trash talking him a lot...it's all said with affection y'all.  
> And have I mentioned Bodhi is a GOOD SOFT BOY?? I love him, and that doctor was fun I liked her a lot.
> 
> Also hello friends! More of you are talking to me now and that's pretty fucking great I love you all (the quiet ones too, you do you guys) I'm not saying I'm closely watching the stats on this because I'm a whore for praise and 50+ subscriptions gives me great delight...oh wait no I am saying that. Thanks for reading this is the most fun I've had writing in awhile.


	11. Your First Parent Was a Star(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you'll notice me cherry picking original movie dialogue and wacking around with the timeline a lot when it suits me...Just an FYI.  
> Also I highly recommend Weight by Jeanette Winterson. It's pretty amazing.  
> EDIT: Also I JUST NOTICED...the Millennium Falcon cockpit has 4 CHAIRS...its bigger than I thought...I revised a thing

 

_What is it that you contain? The dead. Time. Light patterns of millennia opening in your gut. Every minute, in each of you, a few million potassium atoms succumb to radioactive decay. The energy that powers these tiny atomic events has been locked inside potassium atoms ever since a star-sized bomb exploded nothing into being. Potassium, like uranium and radium, is a long-lived radioactive nuclear waste of the supernova bang that accounts for you._

_Your first parent was a star._

_—Weight: The Myth of Atlas and Heracles, Jeanette Winterson_

 ---

Jyn wonders if she’s broken. If at some point she was damaged beyond repair and didn’t have time to notice.

It could have been Jedha, Eadu, or Scariff. It could have been her father dying in her arms or watching entire cities burn. It could have been the moment she closed her eyes and accepted the end, only to discover it wasn't the end at all. It could have been when she found out it was for nothing and they failed or when the others just let her take the lead like it was assumed she would. She wonders if she came apart when she realized they had put their faith in her or if it happened when she knew she didn’t deserve it.

She imagines that at some point she shattered like so much fragile glass when it hits a solid wall. She knows she’s been in pieces for a while. Trying to hold all these shards together like they still make a whole and all she gets for it is a fistful of glass and hands that are bloody.

Still, she’s got all the pieces locked together into some kind of formation, and so what if she’s bleeding? As long as no one else can see.

Except... She thinks they can. She thinks all of them can, but they are still here with her, following her. She can’t fathom it. Not any of it. But, that’s where they’ve landed and so Jyn has to pick up the pieces and keep moving.

Or else she could get left behind.

She’s not used to people staying when things get bad.

She told Cassian that and it had been true.

She understood why Baze had to leave. She wouldn’t dream of separating him from Chirrut but a tiny voice inside her whispers, _Of course,_ when the time came for him to leave. He said he would find them again, but that small voice didn't believe him.

She’s still carrying all that death with her, carrying it around in her chest. The bodies on Scariff... An entire city full of innocent people on Jedha. K-2, Saw, and her father. People always leave her in one form or another and part of her thinks once this is done she should leave. These are her people. _Her_ people. She’s not sure she can take it if they leave. She's not sure she could survive it.

She can’t talk about this with them... She can’t talk about any of it... She said as much as she could to Cassian back on Yavin IV. _She's not used to people staying._ Since then, there are many things it seems they won’t talk about. Jedha is off limits unless Bodhi mentions it, just hearing the name seems to wound him. Scariff hurts all of them and they don’t have time to break down or sort through any of what happened. They can only keep quiet and keep moving.

\---

“Hi, I'm Luke Skywalker nice to meet you.”

Jyn stares flatly at Luke's hand, but they can all hear the urgent tones coming from where Han and Chewie are piloting. The sound of a ship screaming alarms and protests. Without a word they all race to the cockpit. She's in the lead, the others following close behind.

The five of them don't all fit in the small space, Cassian and Ben watch from the doorway while Jyn and presses into the seat behind the wookiee's and Bodhi fits in behind Han's. The boy stands in the middle and stares out into the black of space with wide eyes. Distantly Jyn thinks, he probably has never even left his planet before. He glances at her once as if sensing her gaze. A brief flash of blue eyes and a boyish face and then he's back to staring at the window like he can't pull himself away.

Han knows they're all there. He throws her a quick look before ignoring them all.

“Stay sharp! There are two more coming in; they're going to try to cut us off,” he says low and fast to Chewie and Jyn's got her arms folded so she can press her fingers into her arm and hide the tremor.

“Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast.” The boy argues

“Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself floating home,” Han snaps. He says he can get them all away and Jyn tightens her grip, half healed scabs on her fingertips sting and crack beneath the bandages. The first shots hit the hull of the ship and ship rocks beneath them as Han focuses on piloting. She can't see _anything_ out the viewport. The Star Destroyers must be behind them so only the movement of the stars gives her any idea what Han is doing at the controls.

“How long before you can make the jump to light speed?” the old man asks from just outside the doorway, and it's the first time Jyn has heard him speak. He sounds venerable and calm in the face of this current threat.

“It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi-computer,” Han replies and Luke jumps in.

“Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining?” He's all energy and Jyn finds herself watching Bodhi.

“Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it?

“What's that flashing?” Luke asks, pointing at one of the alarms on the dashboard. Bodhi flinches watching the boy reach for sensitive controls, but Han knocks his hand away.

Jyn really looks at Bodhi for a moment, he's shaking from top to toe, wincing at every shot that shakes the Falcon. He looks up to meet her stare, those dark eyes wide and panicked. She saw him channel this nervous energy into capable piloting. Behind the controls, his fear made him fast, but when he's not...

“We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going to make the jump to light speed,” Han tells them and everybody moves to find somewhere to sit as the ship bucks and judders underfoot. Jyn stays where she is for just a moment to meet Hans gaze when he glances back at her.

She knows what her eyes must be saying, but she says it aloud anyway, as the stars begin smear past the viewport.

“Don't screw this up.”

“I got it under control kid, go sit with your boyfriend. It'll be bumpy for a while,” he says and she wants to shake him until he understands this isn't a joke and it's not smuggling some garbage for a Hutt. Instead, she turns on her heel as they complete the jump to lightspeed, feeling the familiar drop in her stomach as they do.

She heads back down the hall to find Cassian and Bodhi waiting for her. Bodhi is seated at a small table while the boy and the old man sit with the droids at another. Cassian leans, bracing himself against the wall beside Bodhi and she wonders if sitting is painful with his ribs. Cassian's eyes follow her as she approaches the pair of them.

“You weren't kidding when you said the ship was a garbage heap,” Cassian murmurs to her as she stands between him and Bodhi. He's eyeing the ship warily and she can't blame him.

“I said it was fast and it's got that much going for it. We should be at Alderaan in a few hours if we're lucky.”

“When are we ever lucky?” Cassian asks and she doesn't reply. Bodhi is still shaking like a leaf in a storm and she leans her weight on him a little. Lets one hand rest around his shoulders and he looks up at her once and away. She tries for a smile and lets him see it knowing she has little else in her arsenal. She was not made for comfort. She was not meant to be gentle. Kindness rarely suits her.

But these people, _her_ people... They make her want to try.

It's then that she remembers they aren't alone and she glances over, seeing the boy is definitely trying not to stare. The old man has his hands folded before him like he's patiently waiting for something. She pulls back from Bodhi to better examine them. Taking a few steps forward, she ignores the ache in her leg that flares with every step.

This group that conveniently is _also_ going to Alderaan.

She wishes she could assume it was a coincidence and move on.

Of course the boy isn't faking. That kind of naivete is nearly impossible to fake. Either he's the best actor in the world or a small town boy on his first trip off planet. She doesn't trust the old man though... Or the droids. The golden protocol droid keeps muttering complaints to the R2 unit that's bleeping back responses in binary.

It's the old man who speaks to them first.

“If you have something to say, it's best to say it,” he says calm as ever. She eyes him and considers for a moment, the words knocking at her teeth, but she doesn't speak them yet.

“Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs, I told you I'd outrun 'em,” Han Solo says as he walks right through the tension in the room.

“And you,” he points at Jyn

“What should I actually call you? Since apparently you've got a bunch of names.” She stares at him for a moment as he leans against the wall like he's lounging there. Seeing her confusion, he adds

“I heard the doctors calling you Nomi at the hospital and I thought your name was Keira,” he sounds only mildly offended as he waits for her response. She grinds her teeth and wishes he'd thought to pull her aside and not done this in front of the strangers.

“I thought you said he was discreet,” Cassian mutters and she doesn't need to look to imagine the stormcloud glare he must be shooting at Han.

“He's discreet around anybody with a badge. Other than that he's and idiot,” Jyn mutters over her shoulder. When she speaks again, she aims her reply at the boy, Luke.

“Sometimes it's wise not to give your real name to people you don't know or trust. It's risky and risks can get you killed.”

“I'd think getting you hooked up with the best med-facility on Tatooine would earn me some points,” Han said and she couldn't tell if he was pretending his feelings were hurt or not.

“We are not friends of the Empire either if that's what concerns you,” the old man says and it's as smooth as when they were running from Star Destroyers. The definition of unflappable.

“Any Imperial could say that,” Jyn mutters and she knows Cassian is watching and probably wishing she would stop talking. _She's_ kind of wishing she would stop talking, but Han put her on the spot and being under so many eyes is making her want to crawl out of her skin. She shifts her weight to try and ease the pain in her leg.

“Any Imperial wouldn't know the meaning of that trinket you wear around your neck,” the man says and she whips around to stare at him, wide eyed and breathless. Chirrut was the only person who knew what her necklace was.

He told her ' _The strongest stars have hearts of Kyber'_ and her mother told her these crystals were powerful to the Jedi and her mother told her so many things and her hands are full of glass shards that need to hold their shape.

“My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi,” the man tells her.

“And you've already met Luke.”

He says it steadily, like he knows exactly what it means to give one's real name to the world.

“Well, if we're making proper introductions now, then I ought to introduce myself as well,” the golden droid says standing up to look at her through the glowing brass of its lenses.

“I'm C-3PO, human cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart R2-D2.” The R2 unit makes a high bleeping sound that she would guess is hello if she spoke binary. She blinks at them both before turning back to stare at the old man. Finally, she glances back to where Cassian and Bodhi are watching her. She doesn't have to speak to ask permission. Cassian grudgingly nods while Bodhi shrugs and gives a short jerky bob of his head.

“Jyn,” she says to the strangers and to Han. Ignoring the way Han's eyebrows lift to his hairline, she points at her people.

“That's Cassian, and the one wearing the goggles is Bodhi.”

“Do they not have last names on your planet?” Han asks and he's definitely being a pain on purpose now. She turns her glare on him.

“That's enough,” she says and Obi-Wan agreeing with her comes as a surprise.

“There's no need to question the girl seeing as we're all allies here,” and his voice is still so smooth and so calm. Jyn's still nervous. Filled to the skin with that raw energy that comes and goes as it pleases. She clenches her hands in her pockets and goes back to Cassian and Bodhi, tries to ignore the pain in her leg as she does.

“Speak for yourself about allies old man, I'm not out making pals right now,” Han says finding a chair and sliding into it.

“But you know Jyn,” Luke says, “You're not friends?” And Jyn has to bite back a groan at this kid.

“Luke why don't you resume your exercises?” the old man suggests and Luke sighs like a child made to do chores. He pulls out a small round bot and Cassian's still on edge, gripping his blaster when the boy ignites _a lightsaber._

She and Cassian trade looks in the stunned silence. Han is the only one who seems bored by what's happening. Jyn's leg aches at her remaining standing. She should sit but she can't.

The bot activates with his saber to move in small sweeps around Luke. When it emits the first dart-like beam at Luke he tries to block it and he misses. For a moment Jyn panics as he's hit in the shoulder, but the boy simply winces and works his shoulder around a bit before going back to focusing on the bot.

“You're a J-Jedi?” It's Bodhi who asks. Luke turns off his lightsaber and the bot deactivates.

“No,  _I'm_ not a Jedi, but he is.” He points at the old man who has been watching them as much as Luke this whole time. Meeting his gaze again, she finally realizes his calm and gentle eyes remind her of Chirrut. It makes her miss Baze and Chirrut with a keen aching pain that she feels down to her fingertips.

“I'm just an old man now,” Obi-Wan says with a soft smile.

“Are you really though?” Jyn asks him

“An old man or a Jedi?” he asks her and his tone is genial which irritates her.

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid,” Han says lounging in his seat. She ignores him and apparently so does Cassian.

“I thought the Jedi were extinct,” Cassian says and Obi-Wan nods at him, slow and thoughtful.

“They very nearly are, there are few of us left.”

“Then why aren't you fighting with the Rebellion?” he asks and Jyn turns to see he has storm clouds in his eyes again.

“I'm an old man I'm afraid, I do not have many fights left in me,” Obi-Wan says and that's when she gets angry.

“I know a man not that much younger than you, he's not even a full Jedi, but he fought and nearly _died_ for the Rebellion,” she says pointing a finger at him.

“Is that what you've gotten into kid?” Han asks from his seat, “Fighting for dying causes?” and Jyn's so furious she can't even speak. She can't say that she regrets how many years she _wasn't_ fighting out of misplaced anger and how she almost felt whole while she was fighting and she hasn't felt that way since.

And her leg is _really_ hurting, she shouldn't be on it for this long.

It's Luke who speaks up. Still standing there with his lightsaber unlit, watching them talk.

“You don't believe in the Force, do you?” he asks Han and she sighs.

“Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls _my_ destiny.”

Jyn's leg is on fire and she moves to sit back down. Something in her face must give it away because Cassian is by her side immediately to help her. Behind her, Han is still talking,

“It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.”

At the same time Luke says,

“Obi-Wan are you okay?” They all turn to see he's gone white as a sheet, one wrinkled hand clutching at the edge of the table until his knuckles are white.

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force,” he said. Jyn shared a worried glance with Cassian.

“As if a million voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced... I fear something terrible has happened.”

Jyn grabs Cassian's arm like a vice because they both knew what that sounds like. The old man simply tells Luke to return to his exercises, while a glance at Bodhi shows that he too has gone pale and shaky. His eyes are wide and she wonders if he's seeing Jedha or Scariff.

Cassian's got that flat determined look that reminds her of rainstorms. And her hands are still shaking in her pockets. She tightens them into fists to feel the nails digging into her palms like shards of glass.

They all watch the boy in silence after that. As the old man coaches him on how to feel the Force and they feel nothing at all.

\---

They have less than an hour until they reach Alderaan. The robots C-3PO and R2-D2 had played Dejarik with Chewie for a time but after the wookiee seemed to be threatening their lives if they won. Chewie won the game instead.

At the moment Jyn was filled with nerves over what would meet them at Alderaan. They could start by looking for Leia Organa. It was her ship that was intercepted and more people know about her than the plans. That would probably be the best way to begin, but won't honestly know until they _get_ there so her thoughts run in anxious circles. She's sitting at the far end of the bench that wraps around the table they claimed as their own. Both Cassian and Bodhi are asleep.

None of them talked much after their conversation with the others. Eventually Bodhi had just put his elbows on the table and rested his head in his arms. It didn't take long for his breath to smooth out the way it does when one's asleep. Cassian took longer. He eventually sat down on Bodhi's other side and she could tell he was trying to hide how much the sitting down hurt him. He leaned his head back against the seat and watched the room through half lidded eyes that eventually closed.

She shouldn't have brought him. It was selfish of her to bring him along.

They had never even discussed the possibility of him staying and they should have. He was moving like he was made of glass and raw edges... And with half healed bones maybe it was just the same. She knew pain wouldn't stop him in a fight, but if he took one bad hit he might go down and not get back up again.

She should have left him behind with Baze so he could finish healing.

She never _asked_ him to come, he just came like she expected he would and she shouldn't have done that, it was _selfish._

Now she's awake with a head full of plans she can't act on and a nervous energy she can't dissipate. On the other side of the room it looks like the old man might be _meditating._ The boy sits beside Obi-Wan, watching R2-D2's path around the room and fidgeting with the cuffs of his sleeves.

The golden robot is in rest mode and the droid is rolling across the compartment, beeping quietly to itself in binary. If she didn't know better she might think the little droid is exploring. But it's the boy who grabs her attention. She can tell he wants to say something, to ask questions. He hasn't yet learned the dangers of too many questions.

Finally, it seems he can't hold it in.

“You fought for the Rebellion?” he asks and Jyn sighs, nodding her head in assent.

“What was it like?” he asks and she looks at him now. She can't tell him about a beach covered in dead bodies or cities that burned. He wants tales of daring and heroism, and she doesn't have any.

She thinks that this boy reminds her of someone... A child she knew back when she was one in body if not in mind. She was maybe 10 and the girl was 8. The Partisans had more than one child soldier in their employ. Little kids with nowhere else to go and nobody to turn to. Kids who lost everything to the Empire and wanted to strike back without knowing what that meant. The girl's name was Keira and she cried every time they tried to put a blaster in her hand.

She was killed the first time her boots hit the ground on a mission. She didn't know how to fight back and so she died.

“Jyn?” Luke asks, bringing her back to the present and Jyn shakes her head to stave off the memories. Maybe this boy will be different, or maybe he'll die too. But, she can't lie about this when the truth is important and far more painful.

“It was... Horrific. A lot of people died. Some of them died because I brought them there,” she tells him flatly and she can't say more for the lump in her throat. Luke is watching her and those eyes are still too bright, too full of something she can't quite name, that she lost long ago.

“Surely they would say they died for the Rebellion,” he says and it's almost gentle, like he's trying to help her. She wants to tell him not to. She wants to tell him he shouldn't even try.

“They died to save lives,” he continues and he's so earnest it almost hurts. It hurts her right where the truth lives.

“They died for nothing,” Jyn says tasting the acid bitterness of it on her tongue.

“We failed so they all died for nothing.”

It's then that they can feel the ship drop out of hyperspace and it immediately starts rocking and shaking around them. From the cockpit they hear screaming alarms.

She's about to wake up Cassian and Bodhi, but when she turns to them, they're already awake with a fear in their eyes that matches her own. As Luke races to the cockpit they hear a final statement thrown over his shoulder as he runs past,

“I have a bad feeling about this,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH OH....I couldn't resist throwing in that iconic line there...also Luke...my sweet summer child...Also everybody needs hugs and I think you can guess where they're headed so hugs are NOT incoming soon. Oh and I don't know how to describe things like space tables and whatever that room in the Falcon is called...I tried...  
> I may do an intermission chapter with Baze...Idk...he's up to some stuff kinda.


	12. They've Lost All They Got(Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me 2 chapters to realize the cockpit in the Falcon has 4 chairs...I edited things.

 

 ****_No one laughs at God in a hospital_  
_No one laughs at God in a war_  
_No one’s laughing at God_  
_When they’ve lost all they’ve got_  
_And they don’t know what for_  
_No one laughs at God on the day they realize_  
_That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes  
_ _No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes_

_—Laughing With, Regina Spektor_

_\---_

When he wakes, it's to the sound of distant alarms and an an all body ache that Cassian worries may never go away. His ribs seem unhappy in every position except lying down. And the alarms are ringing from where the smuggler and the wookiee are piloting this scrapheap.

It takes a moment for him to fully wake and for all those thoughts to clearly slot into place. The doctors had told him he wasn't fully healed. The concussion was mostly healed, along with any minor contusions. But the torn muscles and broken bones are still only halfway back to normal, he still feels a second or two behind everyone else and he wonders if it's the concussion or if he's just tired.

But it's the alarms that require his attention. Jyn turns to him and Bodhi with a look of pure terror because in that moment they all must be fearing the same thing,

_'Did they find us?'_

His first thought is, how could they? Unless the doctor had given them up and it seemed highly unlikely that she would. If only because it made no sense to waste so much supplies on people you sending to their deaths. Of course she could have made that move as a calculated effort to gain their trust and this was a familiar rabbit hole for Cassian. Suspicion was a mainstay of his life in the Rebellion. Always looking over his shoulder, and always, _always_ trusting no one.

He had tried not to read too much into the Troopers fighting Han Solo when they arrived at the Falcon. The fight preceded their arrival so that entire conflict was most likely due to Han and his wookiee or the boy and his Jedi master who refused to say outright that he was a Jedi.

Once upon a time, so many uncertainties would make him crawl out of his skin for fear of the worst case scenario. Now it makes him set his shoulders and grit his teeth, prepared to deal with the next conflict as it comes.

The Falcon is shaking around them and it's an all too familiar feeling. Losing a sense of balance, of equilibrium as the world keeps moving underfoot. Jyn's on her feet in an instant and he wants to tell her to slow down because the leg is obviously hurting her. But he moves just as quickly to keep up. Bodhi is only a step behind him, a walking bundle of raw nerves.

They all crowd into the cockpit, same as before.

“It's not on any of the charts,” Solo is saying to the wookiee who simply barks out a reply he doesn't understand.

There's no time to think as he's pressed into the corner beside Jyn's seat because they can all see the debris floating by the viewport. The Falcon calms as the rubble clears and Luke is the one to ask,

“What's going on?” from the seat behind Solo. He leans forward, crowding the two pilot's to try and get a good look out the viewport. The old man is standing behind him and Bodhi is in the doorway.

“Our position is correct, except... No Alderaan,” Solo says and Cassian is filled with a dread that he doesn't want to speak aloud, but the way Bodhi sucks in a lungful of air says much the same thing.

“What do you mean, there's no Alderaan?” Jyn asks and she sounds dangerous, she sounds like a grenade with the pin pulled out.

“That's what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away,” Han says.

Jyn and Cassian immediately lock eyes, because its everything they feared. On the opposite edge of the room, Bodhi's gone still as stone, watching wide eyed through the viewport.

“What? How?” Luke asks and Cassian remembers when he was that age and bad news was still a surprise. He wasn't that much older when he found K-2 and reprogrammed him. The memory of him still stings but this is worse. Alderaan was their only lead and it's gone. An entire planet destroyed. Disintegrated into nothing.

And this is only the first. Jedha and Scariff were just cities. A hole blown in a planet and then they moved on. This is an _entire planet._ It has to be the Death Star came and went, leaving nothing but dust in its wake.

Obi-Wan tells the boy that the Empire did this and how could the boy be so naive to think otherwise?

“The entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole planet. It'd take a thousand ships with more fire power than I've...” Han argues and trails off as the alarms restart in earnest.

“There's another ship coming in,” he announces and Bodhi's white as a sheet, he's begun shivering all over.

“We need to leave,” Bodhi says as a TIE fighter flies by their ship.

“Do you think they know about the plans?” Luke asks.

Again, he feels like he's losing equilibrium, like the world's shifting underfoot.

“What plans?” Jyn asks like the foundation of a building that's crumbling.

“The princess hid a message for Obi-Wan inside R2,” Luke says and the old Jedi is watching Jyn, Bodhi, and himself closely as the boy speaks. Distantly Cassian thinks the boy should not reveal this so easily, they could be spies for all he knows. But, the old man seems to know they're not and everyone lets him speak.

“She said something about plans for a weapon that needed to get to the Rebellion.”

He can't feel anything, he can't breathe. Jyn's suddenly on her feet, filling up the space, and all he can feel is her hand on his arm. Her fingers digging in tight enough to bruise and he doesn't care. She's reached out with her other hand clasping Bodhi's shoulder and he can't tell if its comfort or supporting herself so she remains upright.

There's still a chance.

The smallest chance in hell

A million years ago she stood before them, only half battle tested and with a fire in her eyes and said,

“ _We’ll take the next chance, and the next, until we win or the chances are spent.”_

They believed it then and they have to believe it now.

The TIE fighter that flew past them continues on its way. Solo glances back at them once and away again.

“I hate to interrupt whatever the kriff moment you all are having but if that ship identifies us, we're in big trouble,” he says, sounding caught between irritation and distraction as his fingers fly over the controls and the ship pushes forward to follow it.

“What are you going to do, shoot it?” Bodhi asks and he still sounds shaken. Jyn's prying her hands loose from both of them to sink back into her seat, pale and breathless.

“I just need to get back in range,” Solo says and Bodhi subsides, but something has him visibly on edge. His mouth seems stuck in a hard line and his eyes are darting around every inch of the viewport.

He's right that something feels off.

“A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own,” Obi-Wan says

“It must have gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something,” Luke says

“Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about us,” Solo says and it just feels wrong. All of this. They have the plans on the ship they should just _go._

But they can't risk leading the Empire back to the Rebellion. They can't risk being chased down with these plans.

He's trying so hard to puzzle it all together when the boy says,

“Look at him. He's headed for that small moon.”

 _A small moon_.

Something cold crawls up his spine as he looks up and sees it in the distance. A distant gray sphere that he remembers vividly painted against the horizon of Scariff.

For an instant he thinks he can't breathe.

“We need to go _now,_ ” Jyn says and she sounds terrified and she's not even hiding it. Han shoots her another perplexed look, but then he just nods,

“Yeah, I think you're right. Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power.”

That's when the ship begins to shudder and shake around them once again. The Death Star, slowly growing in the viewport.  
“Why are we still moving towards it?” Cassian demands.

“We're caught in a tractor beam. It's pulling us in!” Han snaps

“But, there's gotta be something you can do,” Luke exclaims.

“There's nothin' I can do about it. I'm in full power. I'm going to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without _a fight_.” Han says the last part viciously. For the rest of them there is a bleak realization that they are caught. They are trapped in the Empire's net and they can't escape.

Then Jyn is on her feet again. She's got shadows in her eyes and a determined set to her jaw.

“Han, you have those hidden compartments all over the ship right?”

“Yeah, enough to fit a lot of merchandise, but...” Han trails off at the look she shoots him, a laser focused look that says ' _we do not have time for this.'_

“And you have one escape shuttle right?” she' continues and she's star fire bright now, she has a plan and she's set on it. Han is shaking his head at her like he's sorry.

“It will be pulled into the tractor beam right along with the Falcon kid.”

“I know,” she says and for a moment he's almost hopeful. He hardly remembers hope, but Jyn got them so close last time, he thinks maybe this time she can get them all the way.

“You guys will hide in the compartments and I'll get on the shuttle.”

And the hope is replaced by a sinking feeling.

“They'll think the ship is empty once they see somebody tried to leave and—” Cassian interrupts her,

“Jyn, _no,_ ”

“ _Yes,_ ” she says so fiercely that he has to stop in the face of it.

“They'll grab me and throw me in a cell. They may still end up searching the Falcon so hopefully I am buying you time and an easier job of sneaking out. Probably two or three Troopers get on to check the Falcon over...” She pauses to look at Bodhi

“If they think the ship is empty they'll only send a few Troopers to investigate, right?” she asks him and Cassian knows its true before Bodhi says,

“Yes but—” and Jyn isn't listening.

“Steal their suits and get out of the Falcon to shut down the tractor beam otherwise the plans are never getting to the Rebellion,” she tells them and _maybe_ this plan could work but...

“What about you?” he asks because he _has_ to.

“I've escaped Imperial cells before, I'll get out and find you.” She replies so easily, but she has to hide her hands in her pockets to cover a tremor.

“And if you can't get out?” Cassian asks and he sounds raw in his own ears. They always said attachments in the field would get you killed. These people will most certainly be the death of him.

“Then you can come find me if there's time, Cassian. We _have_ the plans now. We _need_ to get them to the Rebellion” she says and there's a desperation there. For a moment nobody speaks as the ship continues to shudder around them.

“I think you should hide with us,” Luke says and Jyn shakes her head with a bitter smile.

“And what if they find the plans?” she asks and Luke has no answer. For a moment nobody speaks.

“What if they question you?” Cassian asks in the quiet.

“You think Saw didn't teach me how to withstand torture?” she asks softly and her eyes are haunted. For an instant, he feels sick wondering how old she was and _how_ he taught her.

“They can't get you, you know too much,” Jyn tells him, “and also, ” she reaches out and softly flicks him in the ribs. It hurts like hell and it must show on his face because she looks both mollified and deeply sad.

“Don't try and pretend you're okay. One good hit and you're dead.”

“What about...” Cassian trails off then

“What about who? Han won't do it, Luke can't do it,” and Luke looks ready to interject, but the old man rests a hand on his shoulder. Jyn continues,

“Obi-Wan might be the most capable person in our little band seeing as he's a Jedi, so we can't make him do it, and they are _not_ getting Bodhi.” She reaches out to grip Bodhi's arm and he's gone paler than death.

“The Empire kills defectors on _sight._ So they can't _get him._ ” and she's so ferocious she's baring her teeth at the thought of it. Her grip on Bodhi's arm looks far too tight and Bodhi seems lost in the face of her. Scared, shaking, relieved, and guilty all at once.

Han's watching them all incredulously,

“Listen kid,” Han starts and the Death Star is still approaching like the slowest blast sent to disintegrate them all. Jyn is having none of whatever Han is about to say,

“No, _you_ listen. We don't have _time._ So get in those compartments or _so help me,_ ” And Han is on his feet, hands raised in surrender as he squeezes out of the cockpit, followed by the wookiee. He pauses in the doorway,

“Don't die, kid,”

“Thanks for the tip,” she replies, and her voice hardly shakes at all. She smiles at the wookiee and they both head for the main area. Obi-Wan nods at her once, slow and regal before he too, follows. Luke is still there with them, on his feet and shifting his weight nervously.

“You'll get a chance to be a hero later, I promise,” Jyn says dryly as she looks up at him. The smallest one in the room somehow seems the biggest in this moment.

“Don't do anything stupid,” she adds and Luke nods and bolts out of the room following the rest of them.

Finally, it's just the three of them and they don't have enough _time._

Jyn reaches for Bodhi next. Grabbing him in a fierce hug she says,

“You can do this. Be brave for Galen,” the words come out almost like a prayer or a spell she might be able to cast over him. She loosens her grip to stand back and look up at him.

“He would be proud of you.” and Bodhi's face breaks around a smile that's as damaged as Jyn's, but he can't seem to bring himself to speak. He puts one hand over hers where it's resting just above his elbow. Gives it a tight squeeze and then steps back. She nods a little and turns to Cassian.

Looking up at him, her mouth makes a hard line as she fumbles with the thread of something around her neck. Finally, she pulls the cord over her head so they can all see the crystal hanging off the end of it. The one Obi-Wan had talked about. The one she clutched like a lifeline so many times since they began their mission on Yavin IV.

“My mother gave me this and I want you to keep it safe for me,” she says pressing it into his hands.

“You _can't_ let anything happen to it. When I see you again, I expect to get this back in one piece.” she says and she sounds firm and maybe angry and he closes his fingers around her most precious belonging knowing what this means.

“Are you with me?” she asks him and he knows the response like they've said it before. He knows what she's asking and what she's not and he has to give her this.

“All the way,” he says and then she's stepping away from them.

“Good, now go. We don't have much time, _go!_ ”

The Death Star looms in the viewport behind them as they scatter. Cassian and Bodhi race for the main room and Jyn pauses for just a moment beside the R2 unit. Han's climbing down into one of the hidden compartments, but he pauses to watch her stare at this little droid. The one carrying the plans. Carrying the Stardust plans that so many people died for.

She gently rests a hand on the rounded durasteel dome of their head. The droid lets out a low hum in response and then she's off and the rest of them are crowding into dark unlit compartments beneath the baseboards of the falcon.

A minute later they hear the hiss of a change in air pressure as the escape pod is released. The Falcon bobbles a little more as the pod shoots out into space and he can't see it, but he can picture it from where he's crouched beneath the baseboard tiles of the ship. It won't get far before it's pulled in behind the Falcon.

Eventually they can feel the ship come to a stop and they must be inside. _Inside the Death Star_.

And they wait.

They wait and they wait and distantly they can hear the sound of marching boots.

Nobody moves. Nobody breathes, even the droids are completely silent. Cassian slips Jyn's necklace around his own neck and clutches at the crystal trying not to wonder if he just made the worst mistake of his life.

They wait until the sound of Storm Trooper boots clank onto the Falcon.

It's a small group. Three to five of them clatter past their hiding place. A small group just like she and Bodhi said and that means it's time.

It's time to act.

_Until we win or the chances are spent._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also HEY LOOK AT ALL THAT ROGUE ONE DIALOGUE...I honestly don't remember if both these lines were just in the trailer or if the chances line was in the movie but they are both so good and the 'all the way' but UGH WHY WASNT THAT IN THE MOVIE?  
> ALSO GUESS WHO NEEDS HUGS AND ISN'T GETTING ANY FOR A BIT.  
> YOU GUESSED IT. THESE GUYS.
> 
> In other news I've had some horrific family drama and my country is a dumpsterfire lets all ignore our troubles with COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF FANFIC...I am seriously considering a Han POV chapter while they're on the Death Star btw so stay tuned for that dork.


	13. When Shall We Three Meet Again(Baze/Han)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little short, but a little respite before more plot happens.

 

  _When shall we three meet again?_  
_In thunder, lightning, or in rain?_  
_When the hurly-burly’s done,_  
_When the battle’s lost and won._  
_That will be ere the set of sun._

_—Macbeth Act 1 Scene 1, William Shakespeare_

_\---_

Baze sits by Chirrut's bed. At least now that he's out of the tube, Baze can hold his hand.

There's a comfort in feeling the life still in him.

They said he was stable enough to be removed from the bacta for a short time. He didn't fully understand it, but they said it was important for the body to heal on its own too. So he's sitting in the quiet room the way he had been for the last several hours when Chirrut's eyes fly open. He gasps in a lungful of air like it's his first in days and his hand clutches at Baze's tight enough to make bones grind.

Baze is on his feet ready to call the doctor when Chirrut speaks,

“They are in trouble,” his voice comes out rough and clogged but he continues,

“Alderaan is gone.” And with that he collapses back into unconsciousness leaving Baze to stare at his husband in silent consternation.

Later he contacts Yavin IV. They received no updates since Bodhi's initial contact several days ago. They said a few choice words about reprimands but Baze hung up before they could finish.

He can put the pieces together, a planet is gone and the children are in trouble now.

Jyn slipped him the communication codes for the Falcon, but she said only to use them in an emergency. He dials the codes and there's no response.

They are on their own, or so it would seem. He hopes that luck, the Force, and any other benevolent powers are on their side to guide them now since he cannot.

Then he goes back to Chirrut's bedside and cradles his callused hand between both of Baze's own. Watches the steady rise and fall of the man's chest as he continues to breathe and be alive and it's a small comfort, but the only one he has. So as always Baze does the one thing he's best at

He waits.

\---

Han wonders when that girl went and completely lost her mind.

The last time he saw her, she was barely 18...

Han was preparing to make the Kessel Run and he needed backup. She came recommended from a colleague, but not with an abundance of details. He remembers his surprise when this tiny scrap of a thing appeared at the landing dock with a scowl and a blaster.

But then, she was more than capable as back up. When they were loading merchandise and trying to evade some other thieves trying to steal it from them, she was steady at his back. She was even able to talk their way out of an _Imperial checkpoint._

The girl had ice in her veins.

The cargo was well hidden when they were boarded, but it could still have been found if the Troopers looked hard enough. They needed a plan and suddenly Jyn's blaster and baton were nowhere to be seen. She stood up and affected such a look of distress, even _he_ was almost convinced for a moment. Then she ran to him and with one brief glance that told him to _go along with this_ , she took up the role of his fake daughter with a chameleon ease. She called him 'father,' and even managed to convince the Imperials that the wookiee was her pet. The Troopers were on the ship for maybe 15 minutes before they left, and they even wished them well on their move from Kessel to Norval.

When the mission was over he had told her quite seriously, if she was ever around Tatooine and needed a favor, he owed her one. She had smiled and said something sarcastic before she was gone as quickly as she had appeared. She had been viciously efficient and efficiently vicious when needed, and she seemed to disdain any kind of emotional attachments... He had never expected this would be the outcome of that favor.

It may be that several years have passed since then, but he _has_ to wonder what the kriff she's been up to all this time? She shows up on Tatooine looking like absolute hell with the strangest bunch of companions (two of them, half dead). The twitchy darker skinned man, Bodhi, who seemed scared of his own shadow, the large man who was more intimidating than Han would like to admit, the monk who he never properly met because he was unconscious, and _Cassian._ The man with a strange accent to his Basic and a permanent scowl installed on his features. Jyn seemed completely attached to him in a way that Han would _not_ have expected. And it appears mutual, if their behavior is anything to go by.

Then there was the whole thing with the space station, the minute it showed up in the viewport he thought the three of them were going to drop dead, _then_ the thing with the plans... The way Jyn touched that R2 unit like it was made of glass... Han does _not_ know the full story of what led them to his ship. The big guy said they were in a war and he's met a few real soldiers in his day so he recognizes that look. Like they're still seeing the battlefield everywhere, or like they could become casualties at any moment.

He _knows_ that look.

Jyn has that look and so do her friends.

They definitely went through _something_ before they got to Tatooine. He has a hard time picturing Jyn on a battlefield but...

Han doesn't know Jyn well enough to get nosy. They gave him the important details and so he can't really ask for more.

Still... The difference between the calm girl who was willing to give as good as she got in every situation and the girl who stumbled off that Imperial shuttle was astonishing and worrying in equal parts.

He was worried and he didn't know her well enough to _be worried,_ but he was. The way she clung onto her friends like life preservers spoke to something he couldn't begin to comprehend and a big part of him didn't want to. He avoided the Empire _and_ the Rebellion equally for a reason. He was no martyr for a cause, he wanted to make a credit any way he could and be on his way before the going got tough.

He'd been on occupied planets, he had seen the cruelty of Storm Troopers. The Empire was awful, but he had also seen the Rebellion's tactics. People throwing themselves to their deaths for a futile cause was not his mug of caf, thanks. He thought Jyn felt the same, she'd said something about avoiding politics back then and he wonders what in star's name changed her mind?

When Jyn laid out her plan to give herself up so calmly, he had no clue what to say. He liked the kid, but he also liked being alive a lot and she was right that he wouldn't give himself up to the Empire. No kriffing way, but still...

He meant it when he told her not to die and her reply reminded him of the girl from before. The clever girl with a cool head under pressure was still in there somewhere. He hoped for her sake that girl was present once she got taken. He hoped he wasn't standing by while this kid went off to die.

Now he waits under the floorboards with her friends. The ones who have been somehow convinced to let her go, but they clearly aren't happy about it. The nervous one's been shaking worse than the Falcon on a bad flight. Han wonders if the kid ever _stops_ shaking. And the other one watched Jyn as she ran past them towards the escape pod. His expression was nothing but bleak as he climbed down into the hidden compartment. As they lifted the panels to cover their hiding places he watched the man wince lifting his. Jyn was right, whatever his damage was when they arrived, he could have definitely spent more time in that bacta and he chose to follow her instead... Whatever that means.

Then there's his clients. The farm boy, his old man and the two most ridiculous droids ever. The gold one never seems to shut up (even now it's been letting out little ' _oh my's_ and things of that nature) and the little one was _humming_ earlier as it explored the ship. The old man is something of a mystery to him. Jyn and her friends seemed to blow their lids at hearing he was a Jedi and Han had truly never bought into that Force nonsense, but it seemed like a big deal to them... Whatever that was worth. And then the kid, clearly on his first trip off world and _way_ too full of that wide eyed excitement that's both annoying and exhausting to be around. Han can already tell this kid is going to be a problem because, unlike Jyn, he seems completely unaware of how _karked_ they are the minute the Empire catches them in a tractor beam.

So they sit in the pitch dark and wait and damn it all if that girl wasn't completely on the mark when at least three storm troopers clatter into the Falcon. He waits until their steps fade as they fan out into the ship and then he taps whoevers nearest and reaches up to quietly remove the floor panels. They don't speak as he pulls himself out and helps out Cassian. Meanwhile Bodhi, Luke, and _Ben_ (As Luke's been calling him) climb out through the other opening. Chewie climbs out next and they all know to be silent. He motions for the droids to stay put since they couldn't be silent if they tried. The R2 unit lets out the softest hum and C-3PO silently waves them onward managing to make the motion as distressed as possible.

Cassian and Bodhi head down one way while Luke follows him down the other and god knows what Ben does. They find their Trooper and blast him easily. Moments later, another two shots ring out and they all meet back in the main compartment.

Nobody has to say anything about the next part, it's grisly stealing off a dead man but it has to be done. They fetch out the droids and hide the bodies in the floor compartment just in case the ship gets boarded by more Imperial personnel.

“Maybe we should just leave the droids down there,” Han says and he can tell Luke's about to protest but Cassian beats him to it.

“We were lucky they missed your hiding place this time, but maybe they won't next time. We keep the droids with us,” he says in a tone that brooks no argument but Han does anyway,

“At least leave the talkative one, he's not carrying your precious plans,”

“Well I never—” C-3PO begins but Cassian cuts him off with a glower.

“Those are the plans to this space station. They call it the Death Star and it destroyed Alderaan and we've seen what it can do. Those plans are the key to destroying this place,” the man is right in his face with that stormy look of his that would scare some, but Han's been around the block too long to be put off by it. Instead he asks,

“What do you mean, you've _seen_ what it can do?”

Cassian breaks his glare to look at Bodhi, of all people. The kid looks like he might cry, but instead he asks,

“Did you hear about what happened on J-Jedha? Or Scariff?”

“Nothing but rumors, a natural disaster wiped out a piece of the town—”

“ _No,_ ” Bodhi says through his teeth, still looking like he could fly apart, but he glares at Han in poor imitation to Cassian's intimidation.

“This space station b-burnt Jedha to the ground. It's _gone._ It's a crater now _._ We were there...s-same thing at Scariff and we barely m-made it out,” he says and as he does, Cassian reaches out to rest a hand on his shoulder. Like he's trying to comfort him or anchor him, and Han feels so far out of his depth. He's not sure he can care about far away tragedies in places he hasn't seen in years but...

Jyn must have been there for that too... Another piece falls into place and he really has nothing to say. Neither does the boy or the old man. Finally, Han sighs and says,

“Fine the droids come with us,” and it's dumb and might slow them down, he's not even sure they care about C-3PO coming too. But, he's willing to do anything to escape this conversation, so he begins putting on one stormtrooper's armor.

“Bodhi, you've still got your Imperial jacket on, do you think you...?” Cassian trails off in a half question when Bodhi nods vigorously in reply.

“I _d-definitely_ can't wear one of those, I'll m-manage.” So Cassian and Luke put on the other suits. It seems Ben does not require anything to hide himself, and at this point... This whole thing has gone so far beyond what he signed up for...

If the old man gets himself killed, that's on him.

Once they're all wearing this white tortoise shell armor, it's time to go.

They've got a tractor beam to shut down, and he goes out first to see if the coast is clear. Once it is, the rest of them hustle down the ramp and he's amazed there aren't blasters on them instantly. The droids alone make enough of a racket. And Chewie was never very good at silence and this group is too big to be running around these halls. They are going to get _caught._

They race out of the hangar bay and into the bowels of the station, the _Death Star._

He really hopes the girl knew what she was doing when she let herself get caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So short chapter and jumping between 2 characters this time because like...I wanted to check in with Baze. Han was harder than I thought he would be when I'm writing in his head? Also pretty sure Bodhi is around Jyn's age, hence why Han calls him kid. And also I think Han doesn't like using people's names unless he is being Very Serious. So everybody is kid or that guy...I might do a Leia chapter at some point down the line because like LEIA.  
> Also guys......guys the next chapter is not going to be nice for Jyn...like oh boy these people and their PTSD um....  
> Also um...the hidden compartment thing...god I felt like I was word salading trying to describe the weird hole in the floor... And I feel like I keep losing track of characters in these large group scenes hence why the droids are practically nonexistent at the moment. Just imagine C-3PO saying 'oh no' while everything is happening.


	14. Nothing Left to Burn(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for torture.  
> I'm not sure how to tag this it's not super violent but idk what triggers people. If somebody sees something specific that needs to be tagged let me know...but um...Jyn's not having a nice day.
> 
> If you want to avoid this chapter entirely I'll include a summary at the bottom.

 

 _Hand me your hand, let me look in your eyes_  
_As my last chance to feel human begins to vaporize_  
_Maybe it’s the heat in here, maybe it’s the pressure_  
_You ought to head for the exits, the sooner the better_  
_—_  
_Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost_  
_And I reach deep down within but the pathways twist and turn_  
_And there’s no light anymore and nothing left to burn_  
  
_—Autoclave, The Mountain Goats_

\---

Everything's a blur and she just knows there was no better way so she jammed herself into the escape pod and barely had time to buckle herself in as she smashed the button for it to _go._ She felt the dizzying loss of equilibrium as the small pod leapt out of the Falcon to dive through space and the whiplash when it got caught in the tractor beams pull. The change happened so fast her head smacked against the plasteel of the small window built above her head.

Soon she saw the Falcon, still being dragged ahead of her. It slowed to a stop instead the hangar bay, while the gray of the death star loomed with its machinery craters above her. As she watched it come closer and swallow her, she organized her thoughts.

Saw had trained her for this, he trained all the Partisans and when she was ten years old he told her it was time.

She imagines her home... The one that feels ancient now, back on Lah'mu. She imagines its subterranean rooms and the dome built over it. Only one way in or out. She imagines it all and it's sturdy, in her mind it's a fortress.

She can't put everything in there, it's impossible. She has to choose the few things that are the most important and be willing to sacrifice the rest. It's a useful tool no matter what kind of questioning methods they employ. Everything is clearer when she's packed the most important parts away.

She puts in Yavin IV, she will not know the location of their Rebel base.

She puts in the plans, the droids, Stardust, all of it... Scariff won't fit, but the reason she went there will be a mystery, if they ask she will say she doesn't remember. And in a way, she won't.

Then she tucks away the names.

_Cassian Andor, Bodhi Rook, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi._

Jyn Erso won't fit, she can't put herself in that house. Besides, she might get some use out of her name, they might wait to shoot her when they hear who her father is. Or they might shoot her on sight.

But that's enough. She locks the door. She seals up the only entrance. She _cannot_ have these things in her head if they use any kind of invasive methods that she _knows_ the Empire is capable of.

Her fortress is done as the pod comes to rest in the hangar bay and the door is ripped off it by a couple of Storm Troopers.

She lifts her hands in surrender and decides: Keira Ahksona the smuggler would have a reason to run, she just made a delivery and so the ship has no cargo but... She'll try that first and see where it gets her.  
Her own name is one of several last resorts.  
There are five storm troopers surrounding the pod as she scrambles to her feet. Her leg twinges and she ignores it.

“Identify yourself,” says one of the Troopers from behind their skull masks. There are blasters aimed at her and so she keeps her hands in the air.

She's scared, her hearts pounding, Keira isn't brave, she's a coward. It's time to play a part.

“I-I-I'm Keira Ahksona,” she lets herself shrink in the face of their blasters, lets all the fear bubble up to the surface. Fear for her friends and for herself. She's terrified like her friend who shakes all the time, she tremors just like him.

“State your business,” one of them says and a tear slides down her cheek. Keira's a coward, she can't hide her fear.

“I w-was on my way back from Tatooine and I was stopping at A-Alderaan to refuel, but Alderaan wasn't t-there and—”

“Why were you on Tatooine?” a man asks from behind her. He's wearing the brown uniform of an officer, brown like dust or dead trees. As an officer, he wears no helmet which means she can look him right in the eye and see how smug and self assured he is. A deep down buried voice wants to punch him in his smug mouth, but Keira simply says,

“J-j-just business, you know?” Her voice gets too high. They are going to question her no matter what, all she can do is be enough of a distraction that checking the ship is a low priority. Low enough that they send only a few guys for her friends to deal with.

“Take her for questioning.”

\---

It doesn't take them long to start.

Blows land on her body while she denies knowing anything and denies that she was smuggling to Alderaan. The blows are hard and Keira feels each one with a wail.

They think she was smuggling to the Rebellion and if Keira was, she knew nothing about it. Her thoughts are clinical even as their interrogator begins to pull out the toolkit she's seen before. It's all the spikiest ghastly looking objects. The tools are meant to instill fear at the prospect of their use. It's as much about fear as is it about pain and while Keira is scared, Jyn watches and knows exactly what they are trying to do.

That officer from before is in the room for some reason. Curiosity or maybe he likes to watch. A few glances at him showed a man with sideburns and a mouth that looked like it was made for frowning.

If he likes watching, it doesn't show.

Keira begs him to make this stop, but he doesn't.

She just needs them to leave the room so she can work on these restraints with the hairpin she'd hidden in her sleeve. They probably would only leave when they knocked her flat and maybe that will come soon. Each blow makes it harder to breathe even as she forces herself to think. Reinforces the regimented lines in her mind, keeping everything in its place.

The interrogator lands a good blow just beneath her eye, snapping her head back and making her vision pop and spark with stars.

“What did you smuggle for the Rebellion?” The interrogator asks,

“N-nothing,” Keira sobs and she has a stutter like her pilot friend when she's scared.

“I don't know about anything for the Rebellion.”

The interrogator turns to his tools and starts basic. He pulls out a knife. In her mind, Jyn laughs in the face of this man with his hard mouth and dead eyes. Only a knife, she can handle a _knife._

The man jams it into the thigh of her bad leg and Keira howls while Jyn swears mentally. That will make things difficult further down the line, but she will deal with it later.

“What did you smuggle for the Rebellion?”

“I j-just was stopping at A-Alderaan to resupply?” Keira cries and the pain has cleared her head a little, but if he hit a major vein she might pass out from blood loss soon.

Even the officer seems bored with this.

“Officer Radiian, this is taking too long, go fetch the IT-O.”

The interrogator leaves the knife on the table without a word, neatly turns on his heel, and marches out. In his absence, she can hear the officer behind her stand up from his seat. The chair she's strapped in doesn't leave her much leeway to turn, but she tries anyway.

The officer comes to stand in front of her with his frowning mouth. Neither Keira or Jyn knows _why_ he's staring at her. Both of them are gritting their teeth from the pain, but Keira is still crying. Her face is a mess of tears and blood.

For a moment she wonders if this man is feeling some kind of pity she can capitalize on. But he just simply looks her over like he finds her unsatisfactory.

Then she hears something.

A rasping sound like a respirator.

The interrogator returns with a black orb of a droid floating beside him, and he's followed by a figure she hoped she would never meet.

She doesn't have to fake her fear she simply lets it all come forth.

The sound of his rasping breath makes her heart pound and her hands clench.

Darth Vader stands there like a black wraith out of a nightmare. But the sound of his breathing reminds her of Saw with his O2 tank strapped to his back and suddenly she wants to vomit. The interrogator stands by the door with his hands at his sides. He reminds her of a droid waiting to be activated, much like the one floating beside him.

“General Tagge, is there a reason you are overseeing this interrogation?” Vader asks, addressing the officer who was staring at her and his voice is low, it vibrates in her bones.

“After your failure to draw real answers out of Princess Leia I thought I would research our standard interrogation techniques,” the man says sounding both aloof and dissatisfied.

“And who are you questioning?” he asks and Keira is looking anywhere but at Vader, Jyn prefers it that way.

“Her name is Keira Ahksona, we believe she was smuggling supplies to the Rebels on Alderaan,” he says, and suddenly there's a feeling like a hand at Jyn's throat. A hand that's slowly, casually cutting off her air supply.

At the same time she feels _it._

It's different than Bor Gullet, _it's worse than Bor Gullet._ For a moment her head is on fire, everything burns and her nose fills with the scent of dead bodies rotting in the sun. She can't breathe, _she's burning._

It retreats as quickly as it came. The spectral hand and the presence in her mind. They leave her gasping for breath, but her fortress is safe.

“ _Wrong,_ ” Darth Vader says and there's no eyes to gauge him, but it still feels like he's staring right through her.

“Her name is Jyn Erso. Daughter of the traitor Galen Erso. She knows something, but she's been trained. She's hiding it well.

There's blood in her mouth, she bit a hole in her tongue and they are all staring at her now.

She spits blood and their feet and smiles defiant as she lets Keira drift away like mist. Nothing but her tears remain. It's just Jyn now and she can take this. She tells herself like she's told herself hundreds of things. She tells herself this like she believes it, until she believes it. If nothing else she's gotten farther fueled by spite alone. She can take this.

If she dies here, then it just means she got a few borrowed days after... after the mission on that other planet she can no longer name...

She reinforces her mental fortress. Blocks up the gaps, locks the door. Seal's it up in concrete and durasteel.

Only the general seems disturbed by her little display. He immediately steps up to her and slaps her hard across the face, knocking her head again like whiplash. He steps back, but she keeps grinning at him, at all of them, because her lip split and she's got blood running down her chin. She knows what it's like to stare at someone smiling with blood in their teeth, it's chilling. She wants them to feel a little fear while she has the power to do so. The general takes two more quick steps back and she looks him in the eye and smiles wider.

Vader seems undisturbed.

“Prep her with the IT-O and then come get me, I am taking over this interrogation.”

“Why? You already failed Leia's interrogation,” the general says and Vader turns to him, looms over him. The man reaches for his throat like he's choking and after a minute he breathes deep like he finally can.

“Inform me when she is ready,” Vader says to the interrogator before sweeping out of the room. Jyn watches him go and then turns to the other two men. The general coughs like he wants to bluster at something, she files that unrest away for future use as the man storms out. Then it's just her and the interrogator with the dead eyes.

He flicks a switch and the droid seems to wake from it's rest mode. It's one light blinks at her behind a black lens like an eye and she thinks of K-2SO with a deep ache. A few more buttons are pushed and a needle extends out of it like a knife.

She can take this, she thinks. Her fortress is safe.

The droid approaches her slowly and she can do nothing but watch. She would close her eyes but she's herself now and not Keira, she will not show them any weakness.

She bares her teeth at it as it slowly drives the needle into her shoulder.

The feeling starts in her arm and spreads from there. The feeling like she's being injected with shards of glass, something sharp driving through her bloodstream like it could cut her open from the inside. She bites back any kind of scream as it spreads down past her shoulder, into her aching chest and all it's bruises, into her lungs and her throat. It goes behind her eyes and down to her fingertips and she has to close her eyes against it because the pain is unbearable. Her skin feels like it's burning. Her breath comes in ragged gasps and when she opens her eyes she feels... Strange. Her vision has gone hazy and they _drugged her._ Somehow it makes her angry as her mind slowly puts the pieces together.

She was trained for this, she thinks, grasping at the threads of what she knows and what she had to hide away. Her fortress is still there, still whole and steel and concrete.

She can't breathe and she can't think, feeling trapped in her body and floating somewhere above it.

She didn't notice when the interrogator left, but she opens her eyes again to the sound of the respirator and sees the black wraith again hazy and smeared, she steels herself.

She trained for this.

She can take this.

Then he reaches out with a hand that blurs and she burns from the inside out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER STRESSED ME OUT A LOT and seriously if you need a specific trigger warning let me know I will add it to the top.  
> As for her mental strategy...before Sherlock made me hate 'mind palaces' an author I love, Tamora Pierce used that concept in her Trickster's series. I kinda went off her idea of it with some liberties of my own.  
> Also apparently that little droid with the needle from A New Hope is called an IT-O I took some liberties with what it's stuff does and General Tagge is one of the minor generals on the Death Star in the film as well.
> 
> Chapter Summary:  
> Jyn gets taken into Imperial custody and she pretends to be Keira Ahksona, a smuggler. She is physically beaten by the interrogator who is being overseen by General Tagge. Darth Vader shows up when the interrogator brings an IT-O droid. He and the general argue and he invades Jyn's mind and immediately sees through her ruse and knows she's hiding something. She's injected with some kind of drug from the droid that messes with her head and causes her a lot of pain and Vader returns to get inside her head some more.


	15. While the Mud Reclaims Our Footprints(Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I have a beta noooooow. Big stars holla out to Jimmy-Rustled+Bird for helping out when I forget what tense I'm using mid sentence hurraaaay (I should not be listening to Gilmore Guys as I write an intro to this chapter I'll stop now)

_So while the mud_   
_Reclaims our footprints_   
_And while our bones keep looking back_   
_At the overgrowth that’s swallowing the path_   
_There for the grace of god go we_   
_There for the grace of time and chance_   
_and entropy’s cruel hands_

_—The One Moment, Ok Go_  
  
_\---_

Cassian doesn't miss his family anymore... Not really. He just carries them around like he's been branded by them. Like their names are forever etched inside his skin.

He remembers that day like an old war injury that can still ache when the weather's right. He remembers the pounding of soldier's boots. Jaina sitting upstairs with him. She was eleven, he was six. She told him to stay and hide. She said she would be right back.

And he waited and heard the soldiers boots as they clomped around his home. He heard muffled voices sounding angry and scared.

It took five blaster shots to reduce his family to nothing more than corpses.

The boots marched away and he waited, not knowing yet what the noises truly meant even if he had a fearful idea of it. Finally, after the silence had stretched longer than he could bear and Jaina had still not come back... He went downstairs and found what was left of them. Every one of them still and cold and staring, their faces forever trapped in fear and pain.

He sat with his family and sobbed the way only a child can, because the grief was bigger than such a small body could hold. So he wailed and screamed and threw things and eventually he was found. A neighbor came to see what the noise was about. A neighbor who shared his parents allegiances.

The woman said she could not take him in, but she brought him to the Rebellion and they took him in. Instead of a home and a family he found a cause, and an all-consuming fervor that was almost enough to let him get by.

The Rebellion took him and made him a soldier and he hasn't stopped fighting since.

So he doesn't miss his family anymore... Not really... But he misses the sensation of having a family, or a home. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and has to dig out the only surviving holo of his family. A single still image where they are all clustered together and smiling. He has to dig it out when he thinks he can’t remember their faces.

K-2 was the closest thing he had to family in all those years... And he’s gone too.

In the end, everyone is always gone. Nothing good ever survives in this cruel galaxy. He can only hope this time is the exception. He hopes that just this once, fate shows some kindness because Force knows she deserves it.

\---

Cassian's walks beside Bodhi through the halls of the death star and every step is agony. His chest and his back ache, his right hand can barely curl around the trigger of his blaster rifle, His shoulder burns around it's still healing wound and his left leg stings where he tore muscle.

So he walks stiffly, carefully, and tries not to do any more damage to himself. At least beyond the inevitable damage he's doing by not remaining horizontal on a cot somewhere. He knew when he insisted on following Jyn there would be consequences for leaving that med-facility too soon.

He doesn't particularly care.

He doesn't regret following Jyn. He wishes he could have followed her to that escape pod off the Falcon.

The look she gave him when she told him he couldn't go... He still couldn't completely decipher that look. There was sadness in it, but other things too.

Now they are walking through the space station, the _Death Star_. The station that reduced entire cities to nothing and nearly killed them twice. He can't forget the image of the ground rising up to erase the horizon.

_'There is no horizon.'_

Grief is never linear and there has been no time to fully process it, but whenever he thinks of K-2 he aches. He remembers finding K-2 when he was sixteen and scrappy. Stupid enough to try and reprogram a downed Imperial droid rather than shooting it and moving on.

He wishes K-2 were with them now. The familiarity of the droid's stride beside him would be a comfort of sorts in the midst of the metal, sterile hell they've entered into.

_He remembers the blinding light and the sense of burning. He remembers waiting to die._

Here's where they pulled the trigger to do that.

If he could shoot a hole through the middle of this station right now, he would do it.

Instead, he takes careful steps beside Bodhi, who is clearly trying very hard to not crawl out of his own skin being surrounded by Imperials again. Cassian would try to look him in the eye at least, but the Stormtrooper helmet deprives him of that as well.

The trooper armor is restrictive, with edges that prod at half healed parts of him. And the visor leaves everything a little grayer. A little less light and color to everything around him. It seems chilling and not in the least bit surprising that a storm trooper is not allowed to see things in their full vibrant colors.

Not that there are many colors here.

C-3PO and the wookiee are sharp contrasts with all the black and gray around them. They decided to walk down the hall in clusters rather than as a large group. It would draw attention, so at the front Han and Luke walk beside the wookiee attempting to appear casual. Obi-Wan walks with the droids exuding an air of calm and the few personnel that walk by don't seem to even see the three of them.

Cassian and Bodhi are at the rear and everything is too quiet. It's putting him on edge. He wonders, as another trooper walks by ignoring all of them, including the strange old man in a cloak who _clearly_ doesn't belong, if Obi-Wan is doing something to help them remain unseen.

He's just grateful they are keeping quiet. Even the wookiee and the droids, who all seem to have a dislike towards silence, are being quiet. That's a small relief, at least.

It's Han, who finds the door right as it whooshes open to reveal Imperial personnel. None of them are given any warning as Chewie lets out a howl Han starts shooting.

In moments he gives the all clear and everyone piles into the small room before someone comes to investigate the disturbance. While Cassian is grateful to be less exposed, he’s ripping off his helmet as soon as the door slides shut so he can lay into Han for his stupidity.

The boy beats him to it.

“You know, between his howling and your blasting everything in sight, it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here,” he snaps.

“Bring 'em on. I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around,” Han says to Luke and Cassian eyes them both with some irritation.

“Warn us next time before you start shooting,” he says to Han, “or that fight we just had could have ended very badly.”

“But it _didn't,_ ” Han says like that makes any sort of difference while C-3PO says,

“We found the computer outlet,” and Cassian ignores the man in favor of addressing the droid.

“Can you use it to get a map of this place?” he asks.

“R2 should be able to interpret the entire Imperial network,” Obi-Wan informs him and he wants to ask the droid to look for Jyn, but he knows the tractor beam has to be their first priority. Even she won’t be able to escape if they don’t disable that beam.  She said she could escape and he has a hard time imagining anyone being able to pull that off here. She said worse comes to worst they could come find her and he can’t wait for that to be the last resort.

R-2 is plugging into the computer and everyone waits. Naturally, it's Han who decides to fill the quiet. “I don't know why everyone's blaming me, it's not like I wanted to be here. This wasn't even my plan it was—” Cassian takes several steps to stand in front of Han and look him in the eye.

“You should think very carefully about what you're planning to say,” he says, low and dangerous. Behind them R2 lets out a string of beeps and sounds as his dome slowly swivels around. C-3PO translates.

“He says he's found the main computer to power the tractor beam that's holding the ship here. He'll try to make the precise location appear on the monitor,” the droid says, all stiff and proper. Obi-Wan leans over to study the monitor while the droid continues.  “The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave.”

He finds himself glancing around to check on Bodhi. It's becoming a habit to just check on Bodhi periodically. He looks a little frayed at the edges right now, a little skittish and scattered. But given the circumstances, he seems to be holding up alright. It's amazing nobody minds him walking about in his ratty jacket and dirty goggles in this place. But, apparently cargo pilots can get away with this attire.

Bodhi seems to catch him in his observations and throws him a ragged smile... Like he knows what Cassian's doing or what he's worrying about. Perhaps he does.

It used to be that all Cassian had to worry about was continuing the Rebellion. If he died in service to the cause, then so be it.

But things are different now.

He has people he needs to take care of and bigger matters at hand.

“Good,” Han says about the reactor, managing to sound disgruntled at the first good news they've heard all day. Cassian's almost ready to ask, but Bodhi beats him to it.

“Can he find where they're k-keeping Jyn?” and he glances back to see Bodhi shoot him a look that manages to be wry, worried, and knowing at once.

Everyone falls silent again as the droid seems to do some more listening to the computer they're plugged into.

Another stream of beeps and C-3PO tells them, “R2 says she's being questioned on the level seven detention block. Section BC-47.”

“Section BC-47,” Cassian repeats and he can't ignore the 'being questioned' part of the droid's statement. It sends a chill crawling up his spine. He knows very well how the Empire questions its prisoners. He steps up to the monitor to try and make sense of where he would need to go in this monstrosity to find her when Obi-Wan speaks up.

“One of the reactors is located close to that area. I can assist you in finding your friend, and you can assist me in shutting down the reactor.” Obi-Wan states this plainly and calmly and he turns to stare at the old man while Luke interjects,

“Ben, I could help you with the reactor,”

“Be patient, Luke. Stay and watch over the droids,” he says over Luke's objections. When the boy starts to point at Han and Bodhi, the man continues, “The droids must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Alderaan. Your destiny lies along a different path than mine,” he says it all gently and Luke's disappointment practically radiates off him.

Cassian turns to Bodhi,“Will you be alright with them?” he asks and Bodhi nods, still pale and shaky and forever reminding him of the terrified ghost of a man they found in a cell on Jedha. But different now, a little less in pieces now than he was then. There's some new iron in his spine that wasn't there before.

He still looks scared out of his mind, but he nods to Cassian.

“I'll be f-fine, go get her p-please,” and it's the please that grabs him. He can only nod and clap the younger man on the shoulder. It will have to be enough, but these sorts of goodbyes in the field are never enough. There's always the risk it will be a final goodbye and so it's treated as such and he knows the other man understands in the way he bobs his head and after a minute shrugs off Cassian's hand.

“Go find h-her,” he murmurs and Cassian nods. He glances over the rest of them with some trepidation, but he glances back to see Bodhi nodding. _'I know'_ he seems to say _'Now go.'_

He turns for the door when Han speaks up,

“Hey, bring her back in one piece, would you?” and he definitely does not understand whatever sort of relationship Han and Jyn have, but he understands the sentiment.

“That is the plan,” he replies and Luke wishes them both good luck.

So he joins the Obi-Wan by the door as the old man tells the rest of them, “The Force will be with you... Always.”

Luke nods like the statement still holds meaning as Cassian jams the stormtrooper helmet over his head and gets lost in the darkened grays again.

He hits the button to open the door and lets it slide shut with a woosh and a clack behind them.

For an instant it is just the two of them alone in the monochrome hard edges of the Death Star.

“Are you sure you can do this old man?” he asks, free to be candid away from listening ears.

“Oh, more than sure... Are you?” he asks and Cassian sighs.

“More than sure,” he echoes.

“Then come, it's this way,” the old Jedi says and heads off with a certainty Cassian does not share. But he follows, feeling Jyn's crystal like it could burn a hole through his armor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You remember that time when these characters were happy, well adjusted, and had nice lives?? *backflips away from having all these emotions*  
> I've been having a weird day you guys, preceded by a weird/shitty week and for some reason I found it easier to write a chapter about a girl getting tortured and dissociating than I did writing this chapter where Cassian's a little sad and plot stuff happens...I feel like that should worry me but whatever.  
> Anywho next chapter is probably Bodhi and I am definitely thinking about a Leia POV chapter in the future.


	16. A Part of Something Bigger(Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to Jimmy-Rustled+Bird for beta-ing!

_Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose_  
_But you’re never forced_  
_Yeah, you can choose between a champion_  
_Or a spark to force your own ignition._  
_I am not good at being alone_  
_I still find the worst in everyone_  
_I need a reason, a vision of somebody._  
  
_Oh, but I don’t wanna be the center of anything_  
_Just a part of something bigger_  
  
_—Pilot, Amber Run_

_\---_

The night before he left for the Academy, his mother cooked a big meal.

He tried to object, say they shouldn't be wasting this much food but she insisted and so did his sister. Fourteen years old and already starting to develop an attitude. So he sat as they piled the table with plates of biryani, kofta, and roti. His mother smiling when she looked at him and looking unbearably sad when she thought he wasn't.

They all knew this could be goodbye. Unless he was stationed near Jedha(which was highly unlikely) it could be years before he would be able to see them again and a million things could happen in that time.

So he went along with their demands as he so often did. If he stuttered more than normal or dropped something because he was distracted, they pretended not to notice. That night they said good night like goodbye.

He left in the early dawn hours of the next morning.

He would never see them again.  
Now their city is ash, and he lost his chance to a cell and a brittle old man who refused to believe him.

And then there's Jyn.

She knew exactly what she was doing with her goodbyes disguised as a 'see you later.' He'd seen that before and he knew the difference.

She told him to be brave for Galen...that her father would be proud of him...

He wants to think she truly believes that and wasn't just saying it to make him feel better or something. But she asked him to be brave right before she went and risked her life for them...the way she clutched his arm and said, _'They can't get him.'_

He thinks he'll have bruises in the shape of her fingertips on his soul. Like she marked him as her own and he's not used to being wanted, to feeling like he _belongs._ She laid her hand on him like he was her own and said the Empire _would not touch him,_ and it took all of his willpower not to cry when she did.

So she told him to be brave and he had to try. _He_   _had to._

\---

Once the door slides shut Bodhi stays where he is, staring at the smooth metal of it and the red walls surrounding it. He can feel the others staring at him although he can't comprehend why. He reaches up to toy with his goggles because it feels good to do something with his hands.

In the quiet, Han leans back with a sigh.

“Well we're  _karked_ ,” he says and Chewie barks out something that sounds like an agreement.

“You said it Chewie, where did you dig up that old fossil anyway?” he asks and Luke glares at him.

“That is a great man,” Luke says, bridling and irritated.

“Great at getting us into trouble,” Han replies and Bodhi goes back to picking at his fingernails. Anything to keep him from physically imploding.

He _wants_ Cassian to find Jyn, almost as much as Cassian surely does. He wants her back here with them and safe. He wants all of the ‘Rogues’ to be with him and in one piece. It’s strange to want it so keenly, but he does.

It reminds him of when he left for the Academy. It took a year to get used to the homesickness. He never _stopped_ missing his family, he just grew accustomed to the ache. With K-2 gone, Baze and Chirrut back on Tatooine, and Jyn and Cassian off in this blasted space station, he feels alone again and it's scaring him.

It scares him almost as much as being inside the thing that razed his homeland to the ground. _That_ is enough to unsettle him to his bones. To make him feel unclean, like he'll need to peel away skin until he _feels_ clean again. He feels like taking a blaster and shooting until he's made a hole straight to space. Until the oxygen is gone from this place and it's as dead as Jedha and all the people who lived there.

Han and Luke are still arguing,

“I'm not a big fan of sitting around and waiting for them to come back,” Han says and Luke begins a retort when R2-D2 lets out a whistle that grabs all of their attentions.

“What is it?” Luke asks.

“I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says "I found her", and keeps repeating, 'She's here.'” C-3PO says.

“Well, who... who has he found?” Luke asks and R2 whistles a reply that sets Bodhi on edge as C-3PO translates the droids binary

“Princess Leia.”

This was the princess who received the plans and then was intercepted by Darth Vader.

Of course he knew about her before that...everybody knew about the princess from Alderaan fighting against the Empire. When he was still an Imperial, he heard about her in less than favorable terms. When he spent evenings in Galen's study they would pore over news of her on his datapad and speak in veiled terms. Galen was glowing every time they got the latest reports of her continuing rebellion against the Empire.

And they used his creation to destroy her home planet. Jedha might not be survivable after the attack...but it was still whole. It was still out there. Alderaan was gone. The planet killer had fulfilled the destiny Galen feared.

_'This is what will happen when you fail.'_

And still he’s _just the pilot._

A pilot with cracks in his brain that could swallow him whole. He wants to disappear or maybe cry. Screaming sounds appealing, but he can't do that either. His nails bite holes in his palms but the others are still talking.

“Princess? What's going on?” Han is demanding but C-3PO is speaking over him.

“Level five. Detention block A A-twenty-three. I'm afraid she's scheduled to be terminated.”

Terminated like her planet. Bodhi fights the urge to be sick again.

“We have to do something,” Luke says and his eyes are bright and full of an energy Bodhi does _not_ share.

“What are you talking about?” Han asks sounding perpetually irritated and perpetually three steps behind.

“The droids belong to her. She's the one who hid the plans...We've got to help her,” Luke exclaims.

“Now, look, don't get any funny ideas. We're already mounting one rescue mission and the old man wants us to wait right here,” Han says and he sits in a chair as if to prove his point.

“ _We're_ not doing anything,” Luke says, “We're just sitting here. You just said so! And Ben didn't know she was _here_!” The boy has energy that’s for sure. And a drive that reminds Bodhi a little of Jyn...Back on Yavin IV or on the Falcon before she left when she had plans and so much purpose.

“I'm not going _anywhere,_ ” Han says and he puts his feet up.

“They're going to _execute_ her. Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn't want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want to do is _stay?_ ” Luke exclaims and Han jumps to his feet

“Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind!”

“But they're going to kill her!” Luke practically yells and Han goes back to his seat.

“Better her than me...”

And Bodhi feels trapped in his corner, he's bitten his nails ragged already but he still tries to do some more damage when Han looks at him.

“Besides it's not just me you have to convince, kid,” he says looking at Bodhi, but speaking to Luke.

“What happens if they come back here with Jyn and we're not here?” Han asks and neither Bodhi nor Luke reply for a minute.

It's the right question and it gnaws at him.

There are a million _what if's_ and few certainties. But, he can't shake the feeling that Cassian or Jyn would still choose to rescue her as well. He can't shake the feeling that he failed somehow and he's responsible for her losing her home the way he lost his own.

On the other foot it makes little sense for them to meet back in this room anyway. If the bantha shit hits the fan as it almost surely will, everybody would head straight for the Falcon and there's no way they would leave without the pilots. He's certain Cassian and Jyn would wait for him.

Han's settled back like he's won the argument.

“We should go g-get the princess,” Bodhi says and Han looks at him like he's been personally offended. Luke grins at him like he's a co-conspirator and he's neither of those things but has no words to communicate otherwise.

“I'm not going,” Han says and Luke continues to wheedle the man with promises of riches. It's true that if Bodhi cared for the credits a princess could surely pay handsomely but he doesn't. Han does though.

“Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be...” he pauses like he's trying to find the words that will be compelling enough.

“What?” Han asks.

“...Well more wealth that _you_ can imagine!” Luke exclaims

“I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit,” Han says and he glowers at them both, but Luke is far too busy convincing him to care.

“You'll get it,” he says and Han points an accusatory finger at him.

“I better,”

“You will!”

There's quiet as they each look around at the others.

“And you, you're _really_ on board?” Han asks him and he knows why he's being asked. Because he _knows_ what he looks like...like he might hit the roof at any second and so Bodhi simply gives one terse nod and then Han looks back at Luke,

“All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this. What's your plan?” and Luke looks around, because he clearly does not have a plan. Neither does Bodhi, so he can't criticize.

“Uh... Threepio, hand me those binders there will you?” Luke asks and Bodhi sighs a little, seeing what this plan might be. Luke grabs the binders and turns to Chewie.

“Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you...” The wookiee lets out a howl and pushes the boy back a few steps. And Bodhi was right about the plan...it's as flimsy as he feared and he can only hope it will be enough. Luke hands the binders to Han who says to Chewie,

“Don't worry, Chewie. I think I know what he has in mind.” It would be nice if he could sound less skeptical as he put the binders on the wookiee.

Luke looks over at him.

“And you can just follow...uh...a little behind us like before in the hall!” he says and he's still all fired up and Bodhi agreed to help save the princess so he shrugs his agreement.

“Master Luke, sir! Pardon me for asking...but, what should Artoo and I do if we're discovered here?” C-3PO asks as the Luke and Han go about grabbing their weapons  and putting their helmets back before joining Bodhi by the door.

“Lock the door,” Luke tells them

“And hope they don't have blasters,” Han adds and Bodhi feels a wave of trepidation at leaving the R2 unit with the plans behind. All their hopes are stored up in an aluminum round that blinks up at him with metallic innocence.

“That isn't very reassuring,” C-3PO says as if to echo his own thoughts. Luke glances back at either him or the droids (it's hard to tell with the helmet on) and says,

“Be sure to keep your comms on, let us know if anything changes otherwise you can come meet us at the Falcon.”

“Yes Master Luke,” the droid replies wearily and then the door slides shut behind them.

They couldn’t take the droids with them. But waiting in that room could have been just as disastrous. He has to hope that this is the best plan and he thinks that hope feels foreign.

The hallways are quiet beyond their plasteel and leather steps echoing off every durasteel surface. Only the occasional trooper passes them by, but Bodhi feels like they're being surrounded every time he sees one coming. They all step into the elevator and Han waits until the doors close to say,

“This is not going to work.”

“Why didn't you say so before?” Luke asks

“I did say so before,” Han practically hisses back.

“Both of you be q-quiet, someone could be listening,” Bodhi whispers and both of them turn to look at him, but thank the Force they actually quiet down.

Elevator doors open straight onto a control room. An officer looks up from his readouts looking distinctly less than pleased. There are also two guards standing watch by the entrance to the detention level, and another in the cell corridor.

The officer approaches them and Bodhi fidgets knowing he's the one who doesn't fit in this scenario. He tries to inconspicuously hide behind the wookiee's bulk.

“Where are you taking this... thing?” the officer asks, regarding the wookiee with a look of extreme distaste. Chewie growls in reply.

Luke says, “Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight.”

“I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it,” he says and he gestures to the two guards before turning back to his controls. Then he pauses and turns back to where Bodhi stands, half hidden behind Chewie.

“And I don't recall ordering a pilot, why are you here?” he demands with his back to them and Bodhi barely has time to utter an 'um' as the guard approaches.  Chewie lets out a howl and easily breaks out of the binders that Han never properly fastened in order to hit the nearest guard.

From there it’s a mess of blaster fire while Han and Luke let out exclamations like they are still pretending the wookiee is causing all of this, even as Han hands him a laser rifle.

Then they all shoot in earnest and in a matter of moments they've blasted the officer, the guards, the controls for the door and the cameras in the corners of the room.

They even caught the officer before he triggered the main alarm but everything in the room is still blaring out warnings. Han rushes in leaving Bodhi standing, stunned in the doorway. It occurs to him that more soldiers might come through this same doorway and so he scurries to the side and watches the scene unfold.

Han calls out from the monitors he's looking at,

“We've got to find out which cell this princess of yours is in. Here it is... cell 2187. You go get her. I'll hold them here,” and that's all Luke needs to go racing down the cell corridor. The comlink is still buzzing for a reply and Bodhi steps forward in a mute attempt to avert exactly what happens next.

“Everything is under control. Situation normal,” Han says in a pale attempt at being casual. Imperials are not casual.

“What happened?” a voice demands through the comms.

“Uh... had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you...How are you?” Han asks and he's finally noticed Bodhi staring at him with wide panicked eyes.

“We're sending a squad up,” the voice says through the comms and Han is watching him now with obvious confusion as he replies,

“Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak...very dangerous,” Han says as he half shakes his head and shrugs at Bodhi as if to say _'what's the problem?'_ and Bodhi has no reply, just blind panic at just how many units they are going to send up here to arrest the man who is so obviously faking on the comms.

“Who is this? What's your operating number?” the man asks and Han looks at Bodhi, and then the comms, and then back to Bodhi. Without another word he grabs his blaster and shoots the comlink. It explodes in a shower of sparks.

“It was a boring conversation anyway,” he says to Bodhi before shouting down the hall,

“ _Luke! We're gonna have company!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Han you're a dork...I had to let that scene play out it's my favorite. I've literally googled the Star Wars script for some of these scenes. Next chapter is going to be Jyn having a Very Bad Day.
> 
> Also yeah we don't know what the race make-up was on Jedha(since it's fictional and Star Wars likes to be vague about that sort of thing but Riz Ahmed is British Pakistani and Jyn had to cover her hair while she was there to blend in sooooo....basically I googled some Pakistani dishes and that's the stuff his family cooked for him. And btw am I the only one who is super bitter about how much the movie shafted Bodhi's character? The more I write him the more I'm like this baby bird deserved better(and insert those clap emojis between every word)


	17. I Feel Like The Word Shatter(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how to feel about this chapter y'all
> 
> Trigger warning this chapter is a lot of psychic torture? Mental fuckery abounds. I'll post a summary at the bottom for anybody who needs that.
> 
> Also thanks again to Jimmy-Rustled+Bird for beta-ing

 

_You can wet the rim of a glass and run your finger around the rim and it will make a sound. This is what I feel like: this sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter._

_—The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Attwood_

_\---_

Jyn feels like half her life was spent underground, never once looking up at the sun.

When she was five years old she lived with her mother and father in a home that was almost entirely underground. Then she watched her mother get shot and her father leave. She crawled in a hole and waited until the cover was lifted away to reveal her new guardian, Saw Gerrera.

He favored the underground as well. He liked to have all sorts of trapdoors and subterranean places to hide in case the worst should happen. Then one day Saw said their base had been compromised. He opened one of his many trapdoors, gave her a blaster, and told her to hide. She was sixteen and _still_ naive. She waited a week in that hole before she realized he wasn't coming back and she was on her own.

Even her cell in the Imperial prison was underground.

Jyn feels like she's spent half her life abandoned and alone in the dark, far beneath the earth. She feels like she's still down there sometimes. Trapped and isolated and bitter and so far from the sun.

It was the Rogues who pulled her out in the end. All of them, through the simple act of being there and caring, were there to bring her back to the sun. She's not sure when she figured it out, but as soon as she did, she knew what she had to do. She had to protect them at all costs.

They already lost K-2 and Chirrut hung dangerously in the balance.

She would die before she lost another. She would self destruct before giving them up.

She can't change the years she spent with her head down in the ground, ignoring the flags that waved overhead. But she's looking up now and she has to keep her eyes open.

\----

Jyn feels lost in the haze. Whatever drug they gave her has worked it's way into her bloodstream like a poison. She feels it all over. Everything swims like an ocean and she's adrift in a stinging current. Her skin feels like it's bleeding from every pore and she's having trouble remembering what's happening when the next wave comes. She's quickly lost in a fresher pain that starts in her head and works it's way down. Through her veins and her organs, through her skin and her scalp. She aches down to her fingernails.

“What did the Rebellion want on Scariff?” Vader asks and the question reverberates with sharp cutting edges in her mind. Somehow it's deafening.

“I don't know... What they wanted,” she says aloud and it's a struggle to force her lips to form the words when everything feels weighted and scalding.

She remembers Scariff. She remembers beaches and a tower and then she comes to the wall. She built this wall, it's her fortress and she trained for this. She has to protect whatever is locked inside her fortress. It's all locked away safe and underground and the door is sealed, even as she feels herself drifting again.

“I know you are part of the Rebellion, and I know you were on Scariff,” Vader says and every word hurts. “I knew your father well and I know you went to Scariff to find something he sent you to look for,” he says and she remembers her father dying on Eadu. She remembers holding a corpse and she remembers her friend grabbing her arm and pulling her away.

She remembers her friend with the goggles and the sharp features crying on the shuttle.

There's more behind the walls she built. ' _Remember your training,'_ and she steadfastly reinforces the walls even as she can feel him coming. He attacks from every angle like a battering ram. The door, the walls, even the ground it's resting on is not safe from the onslaught. She feels every blow like something rapidly fraying. Like a candle melting to nothing.

She's bitten a hole in her tongue or perhaps she already did. There's blood in her mouth and she gags on it.

“I can see you've worked hard to keep your secrets, but there's so much here for me,” he tells her and the pain does not abate as he speaks, it simply stays like a steady stasis.

“You give so much away so quickly... Like these friends of yours,” how can a voice be silky and cut so much?

She's bleeding from somewhere she knows that for sure. And even as her vision distorts strangely she sees the figure of him. He steps forward quickly and digs his thumb into the open wound on her thigh.

“ _Who came with you to this space station?_ ” he demands and she can't breathe. She screams even as she tries to hold herself here in this room, she can't get lost in the currents. Her leg is agony and she can't remember why.

Her fortress is safe. Safe. She trained for this. She remembers her training. It's safe, even as the foundations begin to melt and the walls begin to buckle. She throws herself into the walls, into the foundations. She makes everything durasteel and concrete. She hardens it even as she feels him digging at it, at her.

Her leg is on fire, because he just dug his hand into it and she wants it all to stop.

“All this effort... It will all be for nothing in the end. I will get my answers,” he says and she sways in her seat to look up at the black ghost looming over her.

The officer spoke of a failed interrogation.

She smiles even as she sags against the restraints.

She forces her mouth to say, “Like you got answers from Princess Leia?” and manages to look up at him with her smile still on.

His rage is palpable. She can feel it as he ravages her mind. Nothing is safe, nothing is sacred. She shreds like wet paper around his cruel presence.

And she _burns_ , her fortress is burning. Her mind is in flames and it's agony. She tries to keep her fortress stable. Shore up the foundations, strengthen its walls. Durasteel can't burn but she can. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think. Still she maintains the walls beneath the wordless attack that demands answers.

Once when she was eight, someone dared her to reach out and grab hot coals. Dared her to hold on as long as she could. Something is leaking, her fortress is filling up with her water. She still has scars on her palms from the burning coal.

A light on the horizon burned her and threatened to swallow her. She remembers arms surrounding her, stormy eyes and a scruffy chin. She remembers holding his hand on the shuttle or falling asleep against him. She remembers burning.

“He will be the first to die. Then I will find your pilot and kill him next. Answer me now or I will kill them slowly and make you watch.”

And she wavers thinking of her pilot and his shaking hands, she thinks of her friend with the kindest smile and unseeing eyes. She thinks of a watchful guardian. She thinks of the one with stormy eyes. Her fortress is leaking, she can't plug the holes fast enough. They have to come find her, but they aren't here or are they? She can't think while she burns.

“Ah, so your friends are here? That makes this easier,” he sounds smooth, but still his voice makes her bleed. She tries to shore up the fortress, but her hands are covered in coal burns.

“Tell me why you are here and I will let them live.”

 _'Liar,'_ a voice says and it sounds like her own, she wants to tell the voice she knows he is lying, if she knows nothing else she'll always know that Imperials lie. Her skin is still burning and there's so much blood, she must be bleeding from somewhere.

“Answer my question,” he demands and the voice says 'liar' and her fortress is crumbling. She looks up at him and manages to smile bloody.

“What question?” she asks and it feels like victory she can't remember when he strikes her. Her vision sparks as her head snaps back against the seat. The room spins and her fortress is failing, it's falling into the ground. But, everything is still beneath the earth even if her home is destroyed. The part above is gone, but the hole in the ground remains even as it floods. She tries to seal up the hole.

“Your friends will die slowly, in agony.”

And every part of her feels like it's full of glass. Everything is sharp, breaking, bleeding, burning. She screams, but still, she seals up the hole. Makes dirt into stone, makes everything hard and unbreakable. Even as she feels him coming to dig at her again. To poke new holes in her, to dig into her skin. She wants to drift away, but she digs in. Her nails broke through her palms. There's blood under her nails.

Suddenly... It stops.

Some corner of her mind cools, a gentle presence that steps in and says nothing before it leaves again. She thinks of an old man and a boy with bright eyes.

Nothing feels real. She wonders if this is a trick.

The shadow takes a step back and she lets her head loll like a puppet with broken strings. He takes another step back and without a word he turns and opens a door and leaves the room like smoke.

Could this be a trick?

She's alone again and she finally drifts. Her home is destroyed and flooding, images float up to her of a blind man's smile and storm eyes and a beach being eaten by light.

Her skin prickles and stings and slowly she remembers... Her fortress is shredded and she has no energy to rebuild it. Names and pictures tumble out of it, end over end in a meaningless jumble.

Scariff, Cassian, _Stardust..._

An old man who says he's a Jedi... Adroid carrying their only hope...

She should try to gather it all up and hide it. What if this is just a trick? But every memory slips through her fingers like water. She can't seem to grasp anything as she drifts.

Time passes, ill-defined as it ticks by. Maybe it's a minute or maybe it's an hour until...

... The door opens to a different figure. She can't make him out through the haze, but she thinks it's a storm trooper standing beside a man in a dark robe.

And she's too far out to sea to understand, but she knows _this isn't real._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kind of upsetting to write y'all. Call me a softie but hence the trigger warnings. Anywho, everything is bad news bears but next up is Leia and that's been a nice break to write but also still sad because this is such a disney movie now in that EVERYBODY HAS DEAD PARENTS :D :D :D (See what I did there? But seriously, nobody in Star Wars has happy living parents except maaaaybe Poe Dameron)  
> IRL things have continued to be less than fun. Sorry for the wait but I was going to try and write ahead to keep my own continuity straight and after a week I went fuck it. I'll edit earlier chapters if I have to dang it.
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter summary: Vader tries to extract information from Jyn's mind and it's really bad. Before he can get any meaningful info he abruptly leaves the cell and when the door opens again there's a storm trooper and a man in a robe. Jyn's pretty sure she's hallucinating.


	18. Stars are Not Small or Gentle(Leia)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jimmy-Rustled+Bird for the beta notes!

 

 _Stars are not small or gentle._  
_They are writhing and dying and burning._  
_They are not here to be pretty._  
_I am trying to learn from them._

_—Sky Poem, Caitlyn Siehl_

\---

Leia waits in her cell.

She is tired and she is grieving.

She gave up an entire planet in a last ditch attempt to protect Alderaan. Dantooine was remote, a fairly small population compared to her thriving home planet that was teaming with life.

It's not now.

She watched it go up in flame and smoke. She watched her home become dust. As will Dantooine in time.

Her father and mother were _just_ there. She had spoken to them a few days ago. A coded communication to let them know she was still on a mission, but she was fine.

She's not sure if she remembered to say 'I love you,' which is something she _should have said._ Especially if she didn't.

She said it often enough, a casual passing phrase.

“ _Goodbye, I'll see you soon, I love you._ ” Had she imbued it with enough meaning? Did they truly understand just _how much_ she loved them? She wants to cry for her parents because she knows they are gone. She saw it happen and intellectually she understands the cause and effect. The cause, Alderaan is gone. The effect, her parents are dead.

And yet she can still imagine them waiting at home for her, standing together in the doorway, her father holding her mother close because they always liked to be close.

It's not like she can go back to her childhood home and reckon with their absence. It’s not like she can walk through the empty rooms and truly understand. Her home is _gone._ All of it. This space station is surrounded by the remnants of it, floating like so much debris through space. There is nothing for her to go back to. It was gone in a flash and her eyes understand what her heart doesn't believe.

After that she was questioned by Vader and it was... Horrible.

Not as horrible as watching Alderaan reduced to dust though...

It helps to have perspective.

Barely a few minutes of unspeakable mental agony compared to the death of billions. She'd been trained to manage this sort of thing, but it was still deeply unpleasant to endure.

The strangest part is how quickly it was ended. For reasons she did not know it was only a few minutes after he had begun that he seemed to withdraw and swept out of her cell. Had he sensed her barriers and decided it wasn’t worth his time?

When she joined the Senate in order to better serve the Rebellion, she was promised diplomatic immunity. That would allow her to move freely in a way that Rebels could not. She was one of the youngest senators and everyone there knew exactly what she was doing. All she could do was carry herself like she belonged there. She trained for the worst and hoped she wouldn't end up in a cell like this one.

Her father would have said it was the Force protecting her from Vader's questioning... Her mother and father believed in it utterly and taught her their belief. Even if she didn't always share it, she always respected it.

An all powerful energy that is neither good or evil, but those who are one with it can be very powerful. How they use that power is up to them.

She knows about the Jedi. The legendary Obi-Wan who has hidden himself on the remote planet Tatooine. She sent the plans to him on the smallest of hopes that he would receive them and come out of hiding for this. He _had to_ for this. A weapon that could destroy planets could effectively destroy the entire Rebellion in a matter of days and kill trillions with the push of a button. The situation couldn't possibly be more dire and so she sent him the plans hidden in an R2 unit and she hoped and she prayed. To the Force or whatever powers are listening, she prays that the plans will be found by the right people and they will get sent to the Rebellion.

All she has left is hope.

She gave that hope to others.

There is none for herself.

She will probably die on this space station. She may be a respected figure, but a rescue in here would be suicide. Eventually the questioning will turn harsher and when they realize they can't extract the information they want, they will kill her.

Either that or she'll be alive when the Rebellion gets the plans and mounts their offensive. She might be alive to burn up with the rest of this station as they destroy it.

There aren't any other alternatives and she accepts this. She's always been ready to die for her cause if necessary. It's not blind faith... Because that makes one stupid. It's just a calm and empty dread as she awaits the inevitable.

It eases something in her chest to know she may see her parents again soon. Existing in a galaxy without Alderaan is almost too painful to bear.

She decided most of this as soon as she was forced to watch Alderaan burn. A few more details solidified after Vader stormed out of her cell leaving her exhausted, but victorious.

She will die here.

There is nothing to be done except wait and so she waits.

\---

She's asleep when the hiss of the door opening wakes her.

A Stormtrooper stands in the doorway to her cell, just staring at her. It would almost be funny if she felt like laughing. She sits up and stares back, finding she has little patience for whatever game this is.

The trooper is shorter than most, the armor ill-fitting on a smaller frame.

“Aren't you a little short to be a Stormtrooper?” she asks and of all things she hears the filtered reply of,

“Huh? Oh right, the uniform.” Then the trooper rips his helmet off to reveal a boy with floppy blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

“I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you,” he proclaims like his name means anything and like he could _possibly_ mount a rescue in this place.

“You're who?” she asks

“I'm here to rescue you, I've got your R2 unit, I'm here with Ben Kenobi!” he says it all in a rush and all she hears is the name and the chance it brings.

“Ben Kenobi? Where is he?” she asks.

“Come on,” he says and they rush out of the cell corridor while her mind races. The plans are _here._ They've brought their one chance into the lion's den and she can only hope that Obi-Wan had a good reason for doing it. Her mind is still ringing with Alderaan, with the after effects of dealing with Darth Vader, but she's had _years_ of practice when it comes to compartmentalizing. She sweeps it all aside, tucks it away to deal with it later. Meanwhile, the hall rings with the sound of blaster fire. Halfway to the control room they are met by a scruffy man encased in another Stormtrooper suit, a wookiee, and a smaller man in a ragged Imperial uniform who looks _terrified._

Only a stupid person or a very naive one would feel brave at a time like this. She likes the small man immediately.

“Can't get out that way,” the scruffy man says as he catches up to them.

“Looks like you've managed to cut off our only escape route,” Leia observes peeking over his shoulder at the rapidly assembling troopers. This merry band has only got three blasters between them, there are at least twenty troopers cutting off their exit.

“Maybe you'd like it back in your cell, _your highness,_ ” the man replies.

Before she can retort, the little man cries out, “Get _down_ _!"_  and they all duck as a blaster bolt lands right above where their heads just were. From there they split to press against the cell bay walls. Leia stands with Luke on her left and the little man on her right while the scruffy man and the wookiee try to gain some similar cover on the opposite wall. The protruding edges of the cell bay doors provide some minor protection, but not enough, if the troopers get smart about where they stand and aim.

Beside her, Luke speaks quickly into a comm link.

“C-3PO we've been cut off! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay?” There's a tinny reply that's lost in the sound of blasters hitting the walls around them.

“What was that? I didn't copy!” Luke shouts into the comms and on her other side the little man groans. She can't quite make out what he's muttering over all the noise, but she catches little phrases like ' _I'm just the pilot,'_ along with the names Cassian and Jyn and it takes her a moment to put those pieces together. She read the reports about the rebels who absconded from Yavin IV. The ones who they all assumed were dead on Scariff. That team contained one Jyn Erso, daughter of Imperial engineer Galen Erso, and Rebellion Captain Cassian Andor. She peers at the small man and thinks he more or less matches the wanted photo put out by the Empire for the defector Bodhi Rook.

She has a million questions and no time to ask them.

Luke seems to be having no luck with whoever he is contacting on the comms and so she grabs his blaster to shoot a hole into the grating.

“What the hell are you doing?” The scruffy man demands.

Her reply is a terse, “Somebody has to save our skins,” and she's met by three pairs of wide eyes and the inscrutable stare of the wookiee.

She has no time to consider what she will do if she makes it out alive. She has no time to think about Alderaan or her parents. She has no time to feel the weight of the dead. It's fight or flight and she will always fight whenever she can and fly when she must. She's running on nothing, but instinct. Adrenaline blots out the rest.

She looks up at the scruffy man,

“Into the chute flyboy,” she says and takes a leap, not of faith, but close enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so like...whatever Leia goes through on the Death Star in A New Hope is clearly not that bad because she is FINE when they find her(and obviously gets over her planet in a heartbeat but whatever) so...my only justification is Darth Vader keeps sensing Obi-Wan and reacts like a dog that thinks they smell a squirrel...he just keeps leaving to go hunt it down I guess....IDK I didn't want to write another chapter of people getting tortured.
> 
> Also why yes I think Leia would look at Bodhi and immediately go, yes I like this one, he is my smol son and I will take him under my wing(even if she's younger I don't care)


	19. Where Are You Now(Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always to Jimmy_Rustled_Bird for the notes and beta-ing!

_Doubt comes in_  
_With tricky fingers_  
_Doubt comes in_  
_With fickle tongues_

 _Doubt comes in and my heart falters_  
_And forgets the songs it sung_  
  
_Where are you?_  
_Where are you now?_

_—Doubt Comes In, Anaïs Mitchell_

\---

He thinks they could have managed without Jyn giving herself up. It might have been more of a firefight, with them racing around this space station with troopers at their heels...part of him thinks, it's not like they haven't already survived _worse_ odds.

He learned a long time ago about 'acceptable losses.' He learned that his feelings didn't matter in the scheme of the Rebellion. The method never matters as much as the result with them.

He knows that one life lost would mean nothing to the cause.

And yet...

Just this once, he can't think like that. Not for any of them.

In their small band there are _no_ acceptable losses.

\---

Cassian walks beside Ben Kenobi and every step is agony. His ribs are still raw like uncooked meat and his legs still spike with pain at every step. His back is one large amorphous ache. None of this is helped by this blasted trooper armor that pokes and presses on him where he's weakest.

It's like wearing a tight, ill-fitting cast.

With his face hidden from view, he makes no attempt to hide the pain. Still, he forces himself to take easy, normal looking steps. Beside him, the Jedi walks silently and he _swears_ Kenobi is doing something to hide in plain sight. Three different troopers have passed them by and none of them paused over the strange old man who seems to be wandering the halls of his own free will.

When he slips into the corner of Cassian's eye, even _he_ forgets the old man is there for a moment.

He's doing something and Cassian is half certain it could be extending to cover him as well.

Another trooper comes into view as they turn the corner to yet another long gray hallway made sharp by the harsh overhead lights.

The trooper is clearly standing guard at the entry to another slightly different set of monotonous halls. As they walk past the trooper, Cassian lifts a hand in the air like a silent greeting to the guard. A muted acknowledgment of the guard as they pass by his station. The trooper does not even glance his way.

That's when Cassian turns to the old man.

“You're hiding us somehow aren't you?” he asks and Obi-Wan smiles a little as he walks beside the younger man.

“It's amazing what can go unseen when no one looks for it,” he says and Cassian stares down at him from beneath his helmet. As if the Jedi can read his thoughts, Obi-Wan says, “Best to keep the helmet on though, it makes it easier when you match the surroundings.”

Cassian's not quite sure what that means or why that seemingly applies only to him and not to the old man himself. Instead he asks the question that's been digging at him since they discovered the man's identity back on the Falcon.

“Why did you wait all this time out there on Tatooine? With your powers you could have done so much good for the Rebellion,” he asks, as the old man easily keeps up with his long-legged pace.

Obi-Wan says nothing for a long time.

“What do you know about the culling of the Jedi after the Clone Wars?” the old man asks and Cassian stares. The man smiles again, somewhere between sad and embittered.  “I was there when it happened, Darth Vader was actually a student of mine along with Luke's father.” And Cassian whips around to fully gape at the man who only grows sadder under his gaze.  “Yes, my 'great powers' led to one of the most evil men ravaging the galaxy. I lost many good friends that day...” he trails off and his eyes are far away.

“Did you know he killed the children?” he doesn't need to elaborate on who he's referring to.

“All the young padawans, only just in the first stages of training...I saw their bodies after...and he murdered Luke's father—” he breaks off then and looks up at Cassian.  “So much death and I barely made it out alive myself...Surely you must know what it's like to be tired of all the death and dying that comes with a war,” he says and nothing in his expression asks for understanding, he is simply stating facts as he knows them. Cassian sighs a little, and ignores the way the deep breath makes his chest ache.

“I've been sick of it for years...but I never had the option to _not_ fight. Too many lives were at stake,” Cassian says and he manages to say it devoid of any bitterness. Another trooper passes by with clanking steps and never once glances at either of them.

“True, I had the privilege of saving myself...But if I had gone straight back into the fight I could have died along with all the others and then I would not be of help to you all now on this station,” he says raising a brow at Cassian. After a pause he adds, “I was given time to grieve for my sins and I took all that time and more. But now I am here and we have the plans that could turn the tide of this war and your friend's life hanging in the balance...So who can say what was the right or wrong choice. I'm here now,” he says and nods his head decisively leaving Cassian to muse in the silence.

They walk and Cassian's fairly certain of their direction, but this space station is a maze with nothing on the doors or halls to signify their location. He's beginning to worry if they are even headed in the right direction.

“Of course, your friend might think I made the wrong choice, as is her right...” the old man continues while Cassian slows down to stare up and down the hall with a growing sense of unease. Did he make a right too soon three turns back? Or maybe he should have made a left four turns ago?

Jyn's crystal hangs like a weight around his neck underneath the armor. They've been walking for some time. Add in the hours they spent hiding and finding that room to hide in...A lot could be done to a person over the course of several hours. Every second they spend finding her is another second she spends at their mercy. And they have none to speak of.

“What's wrong?” Kenobi asks and how he can be so perceptive when Cassian's face is obscured beneath the helmet is a mystery he'll chalk up to the Jedi's abilities.

“I think we're lost,” Cassian replies through gritted teeth.

“Oh well...just ask for directions,” he points to a trooper that just turned a corner behind them and is approaching at speed.

“I can't just _ask_.”

“What's stopping you?” the old man asks and again he gapes, assuming the old man must feel his incredulity, but Kenobi simply nods his head once, decisively.

“You can ask and all will be as the Force wills it,” he says and a shiver runs up Cassian's spine at hearing Chirrut's words...the words of his friend coming from this man who is half a stranger to him. And maybe it's the words that convince him.

When the trooper is almost upon them he steps into their path.

“Apologies, I'm a new transfer and I seem to have lost my way. Can you direct me to Section BC-47?” he asks putting some steel into his spine and tossing off a semi formal Imperial salute. The kind fellow troopers might do at one another in passing. He's braces for a reprimand, or having to talk his way out of something worse.

Instead the trooper exhales, “This blasted place is built like a maze.”

And the casual commiseration of it is almost shocking. It's always easier to imagine one's enemies as soulless instead of as living flesh, even though years of experience has taught him it's _always_ the latter.

Still, the trooper provides helpful directions and Cassian nods once in thanks and turns on his heel. The trooper never once seems to notice the old man and as they turn back the way they came(following their directions) the trooper raises a hand in an easy farewell and Cassian responds in kind. This is always part of the job, just like looking a man in the eye before shooting him in the back. These are the realities of war and he's accepted them even as they gnaw at him with every passing day.

Maybe someday he can rest like the Jedi beside him did. Maybe one day there will be peace and he will be free to live as he likes with an almost clear conscience.

They turn left and they're close to Jyn's section if the trooper's directions were accurate...but with no markings on any of the doors...

If the trooper did give them good directions then they've reached the hall in question. He stands at the end of it, briefly paralyzed by _how_ to find her in what is yet another endless gray hallway. As monochromatic and sterile as all the other one's before it.

It's Obi-Wan who solves his dilemma in the most unnerving way possible. Moving forward of his own accord he walks like he knows exactly where he's going, leaving Cassian little choice, but to follow.

He scans every door they pass, each is as unremarkable as the last. Everything here is clean, gray, and hard edged. How anything can survive here is beyond him. Finally Obi-Wan pauses and stops him as well with a hand on his arm.

He opens his mouth to ask why the old man had stopped him when Obi-Wan whispers,

“ _We need to hide,”_ and before he can protest or demand an explanation, the old man is opening a door to what looks like an empty meeting chamber and dragging Cassian into it beside him.

It's an empty room that lights up from dim to the same harsh brightness of everything else here when they cross the threshold. It's an empty room beyond a large oval shaped table and the chairs surrounding it. Obi-Wan moves to stand against the wall of the room as soon as he enters, keeping his distance from the doorway and closing his eyes.

The door slides shut behind Cassian.

“What is it?” he asks.

Obi-Wan just gives the briefest shake of his head in reply and resumes standing so still he's almost a statue. Barely moving, barely _breathing,_ he seems to almost melt into the durasteel paneled walls behind him. Even as Cassian looks right at him, Obi-Wan seems to vanish without actually disappearing before his eyes. He can see the man in front of him, but it's like all his other senses are telling him the man is _not here._

Puzzled as he is, he has to admit that so far Obi-Wan had not led him wrong. That could change in an instant, but so far he's been an ally.

So he watches and he waits. After several minutes they can both hear heavy footsteps pass their room and the sound of a gasping respirator.

He knows what that _could_ mean and it fills him with such dread when those steps pause at the door to this room.

He doesn't dare move, becoming a statue like the old man, he hardly _breaths_ as they both wait.

There is a soft clank, like an armor covered hand pressing against the door.

Cassian stills himself and holds his breath. It may be the all the rumors were true and Vader is a Jedi with capabilities that go beyond the five basic senses, being quiet could be the poorest attempt to hide in the face of his powers. Still, Cassian finds himself remembering all those years ago when he hid upstairs and heard his family killed below. People always talk about fight or flight, but sometimes his instinct is to freeze and so he does.

After what feels like an age the steps retreat and they still wait. Silent and unmoving. Eventually it feels like enough time has passed. Cassian lets out a long breath and Obi-Wan seems to come back into existence. Like he just entered the room again in spite of never actually leaving it.

Cassian wants to ask, but Obi-Wan meets his gaze with a weariness that silences the questions on his tongue. Whatever he had done helped them evade detection from Darth Vader and that's all he wants to know.

Neither of them speak, Cassian nods like a question and the old man nods in reply.

Cassian moves to the door, preparing to open it. It goes unspoken, but both of them are prepared just in case...just in case it was a trick and Vader himself is waiting for them with an armed guard.

It's stupid and paranoid, but everything about this place breeds paranoia. So before Cassian opens the door, the old man clutches at his belt where an unlit lightsaber is buckled in like a ready threat and Cassian holds his blaster at the ready. Another nod is shared between them and he presses the button to open the door.

There is nothing, but empty gray hallway and he sighs at the sight of it.

But Jyn is still waiting, so he steps out first with the old man close behind.

Obi-Wan takes the lead as they trace their previous steps and Cassian follows. It only takes a few minutes before they come upon the only door with extra guards posted in front of it. He doesn't need to guess that this is the room they're keeping her in.

He reaches for his blaster, but Obi-Wan again stays his hand.

“Let me take care of this,” he says and before Cassian can ask a question the man is approaching the troopers. Cassian keeps a tight grip on his blaster and waits. From where he stands he cannot make out the words, only hear the soft tone in which the old man addresses the two troopers. They hold their own blasters with suspicion, but whatever he says has them nodding. They both leave their posts and head down the hall without looking back. Again Cassian gapes at the old man who simply looks up at him with that ever present calm and increasing weariness.

Cassian again thinks of all the good this man could have done for the Rebellion over the years, weighs it against his relief at the help for finding Jyn and cannot decide where the balance lies.

Instead he hits the controls and the door sweeps up to open.

The walls and the lights are the same monochrome gray as everything else. Up against the back wall there is a normal black chair that somebody must have decided to place there. Another of those sits by the door. Meaning there was an audience for this.

And in the center of the room is an interrogation chair, Jyn is cuffed into it.

_Jyn._

He tears off his helmet so he can better see her without the trooper's visor deadening his view. She hangs forward like a limp rag doll held in place by the chair's restraints. There are a few bruises forming on and around her face and her lips are wet with blood.

Obi-Wan thinks to close the door behind them as she slowly, slowly lifts her head to stare at them.

The look in her eyes sends chills crawling up his spine. Cold filling his veins like his blood turning to ice.

Her eyes look dead, utterly void and empty. She stares at them like she doesn't recognize them and he swallows hard.

The first priority is to get her out of here, they can work out the rest _later._

He puts the helmet on the ground and steps forward to better assess the situation.

Her eyes follow him as he comes to stand directly in front of her. He kneels so he can look her in the eye and bites back a hiss of pain when his ribs and his legs protest the action. She looks at him with that dead-eyed stare and up close he can see where her lip split, and the bruises that are forming around her neck.

“Jyn,” he says her name once, soft like a prayer.

She doesn't react. She blinks once, a languid motion of her eyelids, but she says nothing in reply.

“Jyn, can you hear me?” he asks and she frowns.

“You're not real,” she says and her words are slurred. _They drugged her..._ he realizes immediately and it tightens something in his chest. It makes his skin crawl. They drugged her and they questioned her. It's some of his own worst fears made real and placed on someone who does _not deserve this._

He turns away for just a moment to gather himself before he looks back at her

“Jyn, I'm real. I'm _here._ ” he says earnest and desperate at once as he looks up at her, “We need to get you _out._ ”

Her response comes gradually, staring back at him for a long pause before shaking her head.

“No. _..you're not,_ ” she grits out the words and he can feel something fracturing at the sound of it.

“Jyn...” he reaches out, to hold her hand or touch her cheek he doesn't really know, but she flinches away before he can even come close. Instantly he pulls his hand away and wishes for any other scenario except the one they're trapped in. He also tries very hard not to think about the time they might be wasting. Obi-Wan waits silently in the corner and he can only be grateful for the man's tact.

Jyn is frowning at him again.

“You're not here,” she says again and _they have no time for this._

“Jyn, I'm sorry,” he says and he reaches for her hand, _not liking_ the way she shies away from him.

“Jyn, I'm here. I'm _really here_ and we need to get you out _._ ” He rest his hand over her wrist, not wanting to grip her like yet another restraint when she's already so tied down. She jumps at the initial contact and then looks at him, up close he can see that her eyes can't seem to focus properly. Finally she turns away and closes her eyes.

“This is a trick...my house is flooded...” she says and her words still sound blurred at the edges. Her movements lack coordination.

Obi-Wan approaches from behind him,

“I fear she may have been questioned by Vader himself.”

For a moment he has to close his eyes and breathe. He knows the stories of the Empire's tactics and of the tactics of the Emperor's right hand. It's mostly unsubstantiated rumors since few survive capture. But there are stories of mind probings and _worse._ He looks up at Obi-Wan to find the old man looking tired and aggrieved. He nods once before turning to the girl before him.

“Jyn I'm going to break you out of these restraints,” he tells her and she's still sitting there so silently she could be sleeping. Who knows what sort of drug they gave her...what effect it's having on her…

He can only get her out of here safely and hope the rest can be fixed with time.

She doesn't acknowledge his statement and he sighs before going to remove the trooper armor from his right leg. That allows him to dig around his boot for the lock picks he always carries. This close to her unprotected skin he can't use the blaster without hurting her. So they will have to do it the old fashioned way.

“Jyn, are you injured?” he asks as he works on the cuff around her left hand. She does look in his direction, but she doesn't respond. She shifts in her seat, moving her legs a little against the restraints. He doesn't know what to make of that so he tries again.

“Do you have a head injury?” he asks and she just stares at him. The cuff he's working on clicks open and he moves to her left hand. He's trying to think of an easier question when she does respond, the words come out slow like pulled taffy,

“I...don't know...”

He finishes on the cuff around her left arm and pauses to glance up at her.

“That's okay,” he says and he goes to work on the cuffs around her ankles. Her hands hang limp off the chair without the restraints holding them in place. Nothing is keeps her upright beyond the chair's leather buckled strap across her shoulders. He doesn't know what else to ask, but she stares down at him while he works. He would try to physically check her for injuries, but she seems so skittish...One of the ankle cuffs clicks open when he hears,

“I think...they drugged me...” she says quietly and Cassian exhales.

“I'm sorry,” he murmurs and his hands shake a little as he manages to get the last cuff to click open. He stares down at it, frozen for an instant beneath the weight of what he _let happen._

He's startled from his thoughts by an unsteady hand that moves to rest in his hair.

“'s okay...” she says and for a moment he forgets how to breathe. Seconds later the hand drifts away and he sits there. He swallows hard on whatever he might say to that and forces himself back to undoing the belted restraints on her waist and shoulders.

Obi-Wan stands quietly waiting for them. He has the decency not to say anything, but his expression tells Cassian to hurry. As he undoes the last belt at her shoulders, Jyn simply sags forward like a rag doll. He catches her by the shoulder and she winces.

“Sorry,” he murmurs getting the feeling he's going to be saying it a lot in the near future.

“We need to go now. Can you walk?” he asks her and she's staring at him. Staring with a strange intensity that the question does not seem to merit.

“ _Cassian?_ ” she asks and he doesn't know how to respond. One hand reaches up to grasp clumsily at the wrist that's helping to hold her upright. Her hand tremors, but her grip is like steel and her eyes are wide. Is she only just realizing that he's not some product of her fevered mind? Did she think he was someone else? He can't take the time to puzzle it out so he simply tells her,

“I'm here.” and she nods slowly, never taking her eyes off him like she fears he could still disappear again. He doesn't know what else to say, he just knows they are wasting precious _time._ Bodhi and those droids could be found at any moment. Every moment that passes is another that could mean their capture and death or destruction. To Jyn, he says:

“You're going to lean on me okay?” as he reaches down and pulls her to her feet. She nearly crumples the moment she's standing, but he catches her with an arm around her waist. It makes everything ache to support her weight and his own, but he does it anyway as he pulls her arm across his shoulders to try and balance out the weight and stabilize her.

He looks over at Obi-Wan to see the man staring at the two of them in a way that says everything about the kind of picture they must make at this moment...it's surely an ugly one. Perhaps he's reminded of the fighting he saw in his day. Maybe he's remembering the soldiers he saw die...there are eons of pain buried in the lines of the old man's face.

Meanwhile, Cassian stands with Jyn, giving her a minute to adjust knowing they _need_ to get moving. She's trying to stand, he can tell, but she still lists even with his support. And with her this close, he can _feel_ her shaking from head to toe.

He remembers something she asked him only a few days ago...it feels like an age has passed since then, but he asks her, “Are you with me?”

And her eyes are still hazy with the chemicals wreaking havoc on her system, but she manages to lift her head up to look him in the eye.  “All the way.”

And he nods once before looking over at Obi-Wan who has moved to stand by the door.

“Can you hand me the helmet?” he asks pointing at the abandoned trooper helmet. He can't really bend down and get it himself and he silently thanks the Jedi for not asking why. The old man simply sweeps it off the ground and hands it to him.

He glances at Jyn to see she's paled still further at the sight of the helmet. Her hand digs into his shoulder and he can only _hope_ she'll be in better shape when the drugs wear off. A part of him knows she won't be, but he can't think about all their shattered pieces right now.

“Jyn, it's the only cover we have. I _need_ to wear this,” he tells her and she's shaking her head.  “Just remember, it's me under this...” he shakes the helmet a little.

It reminds him of the shell-shocked soldiers he's had to deal with in years past. The confusion, the fear...he doesn't like thinking of her that way. Especially since he was always the poorest help for them. Most of those soldiers were eventually sent out into the field again. They got their brief leave of absence and then they were sent to fight again...and most of them died.

He puts the helmet on and as he does he keeps talking.

“Listen Jyn, you know what I sound like. You know Imperials don't have this accent.” With the helmet fully on she's breathing quickly and he keeps talking.

“Jyn, who do I sound like?” he asks and after a minute she replies softly,

“Cassian.”

He lifts the helmet up halfway so she can see him again. He doesn't feel like smiling, but he does for her, letting the corner of his mouth quirk up before lowering the helmet again.

“Good, just remember who I sound like,” he tells her as he gets a good grip on her arm where it still hangs around his shoulder. Her breathing sounds more normal which he'll take as a good sign as he nods to Obi-Wan and the old man opens the door.

\---

Walking is much harder than just standing. Every footsteps is like sending a tremor up through his body. He can feel it in all the fault lines and the weak, half healed parts of him. Bearing Jyn's weight presses down on him still further and his legs scream with every motion. Still he walks. Beside him Jyn can't seem to support her own weight and he can hear her gasping breath as she tries.

He's not really paying close attention to where they're going, they have to get to the tractor beam and he's simply letting Obi-Wan lead them.

Once again, troopers pass them and their gaze simply breezes past Cassian and Jyn and now he knows they have the old man to thank for that.

So they keep walking and he wonders how long until the drugs start to wear off. If anything her walking is getting worse. She's leaning more heavily on him as time passes and he'll bear that in silence, but something about this puts him on edge. He feels like he missed something.

They've reached the end of yet another hallway when Obi-Wan glances back at them both looking as tired as he feels. Something behind them seems to catch his gaze and Cassian slowly turns to see what it could be feeling a familiar dread pooling in his chest.

There's a trail of bloody footprints getting bloodier leading to right where they're standing. A glance down shows blood pooling around Jyn's right leg, the one she was shot through just days ago.

He swears louder than he ought to.  It feels like they are rapidly running out of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um...so this was hard...Like initially I wrote half a chapter of this where she was basically catatonic and it was *super* disturbing. But also go too light and she basically comes off as stoned or weirdly infantilized or something? So this was hard.  
> Also um...I don't know how Jedi powers work but if Obi-Wan can make people ignore his existence with a 'these aren't the droids your looking for' then it's a hop skip and a jump to other cool powers like the ability make everybody ignore you and your friends. Also I'm terrible at geography and all of the Death Star looks the same to me :/  
> In personal news my family is a dumpster fire, so thank you again to everybody whose been responding to this either in comments, kudos, bookmarks or whatever(This fic has over 90 subscribers holy shit). It means a lot and it's a nice reprieve from the bullshit I have to deal with. Cheers!


	20. A Lot of Lost Soldiers(Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to Jimmy-Rustled-Bird for your assistance. The 2nd quote spoke to me as well ^_^

 

 _Second of all don't hold it down_  
_You're not alone in this ghost town_  
_Its gravity it has to be we go down_  
_A lot of lost soldiers rolling around._

_—Sunburst, Riz MC_

_\---_

Everything is noise and chaos and somehow he feels like he _let this happen._ If Jyn and Cassian were here they would know what to do, but instead it's him with the smuggler, the wookiee, the farm boy, and the princess. He doesn't regret mounting a rescue for her. He already feels responsible for Alderaan, it feels right to try to fix what he can. But he can't help thinking Jyn would be furious if he lets them all get shot.

The princess is the only one looking at things with clear eyes. He tries, but he can't. It's too loud. The laser blasts raining sparks on him, the troopers yelling, Luke and Han are shouting at each other and into their comms and the wookiee is _howling._ It's too much.

It's Leia who looks at him and it reminds him of Jyn back on Yavin IV. Before Scariff where there was nothing, but purpose and determination. Whatever she sees is enough to make her yank the blaster out of Luke's hand and shoot a hole in one of the panels and then shoot her way across the cell corridor.

She shoots an icy look at Han, pissed off and calculating.

“Into the chute flyboy,” she says before jumping in herself, leaving the four of them to trade looks. Perhaps delaying the inevitable.

Luke goes first. In an act of either bravery or stupidity he races across the corridor and dives into the hole leaving him with Han and Chewie. They stare at each other and Han looks away first, shooting a few useless blaster shots down the hall at the encroaching troopers. His expression is one of wry irritation.

“Well get in,” he yells to Chewie who responds in his strange barking language as he bends down to fit through the hole..

“I said, _get in!_ I don't care what you smell!” He shouts giving Chewie one last kick in the behind to send him tumbling down. Then it's just the pair of them.

“Go on, I'll cover you.” Han calls over to him and he _can't move_. He's trapped in place, frozen and flattened against the wall. He can barely breathe let alone move. Han's staring at him and sighs. Shoots some more at the troopers down the hall and as he does he calls over,

“You're name's Bodhi right? She said it was Bodhi?”

That is his name. He's the pilot and his name is Bodhi. He nods.

“Okay well Bodhi, our mutual friend would kick my ass if I left you here. So I need you to run across this corridor and jump down this blasted hole so _I_ can jump down the blasted hole.”

Bodhi blinks at both the inherent logic and selfishness of the argument. All the while Han's still firing back at the troopers.

“I think we both want to not die so do us both a favor yeah?” he glances at Bodhi before going back to shooting at the troopers. When their eyes meet he nods and his heart might pound out of his chest.

“Great. So do us a favor and _jump!_ ”

_And he does._

He races across the corridor and he can feel the heat of laser blasts just missing him. He thinks he can feel some hair sizzle and his scalp burns as one shot grazes the back of his head. Next thing he knows he's diving and he manages to twist and land on his rump in something wet and full of edges. The shock of it travels painfully up his spine and down his legs, but there's no time. He quickly scrambles to the side as a yelp from up top signals Han's descent. He manages to move enough so that Han can crash land on his back where Bodhi had just been.

Meanwhile Bodhi's climbed off the pile of stuff and the first time he manages to plant his feet on stable ground, it's knee deep in a foul smelling water.

Chewie is howling at what appears to be a door with no controls on their side. He knows that those sorts of doors can't be easily blastered through. Luke is walking around like he might find another exit and Leia seems to be struggling to find stable purchase. As Han finds his feet he snaps out,

“A garbage chute, what a swell idea princess!”

And with the word it all clicks into place through the cracks. Of course this facility would have the high quality facilities. Like magnetically sealed disposal units. When they were installed on Eadu the troopers wouldn't shut up about it. It was less work for the janitorial units.

Han is shouting for Chewie to move and aiming his blaster and the others are yelling, but it's Bodhi who moves in a blind panic. He reaches out and grabs the hand over the barrel of the blaster, with one hand over the muzzle. He nearly topples, the water splashing around him, and Han is swearing at him.

“Kid, are you crazy?”

And Bodhi's gasping like he's run a mile, but he manages to say,

“It's m-m-magnetically s-sealed.”

“Oh,” Han says looking almost chastised or disappointed as he lowers the blaster.

“Would you put that thing away before you get us all killed?” Leia demands and Bodhi can't help, but flinch at the sharpness of her tone.

“Look I had everything until you led us down here!” Han lashes back and neither of them notice Bodhi's wince, but a voice in his ear asks,

“Are you alright?”

And he startles so hard he would have fallen if Luke hadn't steadied him. Up close, his eyes are so blue they're nearly shocking. Bodhi's been too stuck in his own panic to notice until their faces are inches from each other.

Luke stares at Bodhi. He's waiting for a response.

It takes a moment for the gears to turn in his brain past blank surprise, but finally he manages to mutter,

“I'm f-fine.” And Luke nods with something close to a grin.

“Good,” he says as Han and Leia seem to stop arguing. Leia glares at the smuggler and says,

“It could be worse.”

That's when an inhuman moan fills the space, raising the hairs on the back of Bodhi's neck.

“It's worse,” Han says, utterly deadpan. Bodhi stares at Luke to find the boy staring back at him with, pale and unnerved.

“I think there's something alive in here,” he says to Bodhi and to the others

“That's your imagination,” Han says and Luke twitches away from Bodhi.

“Something just moves past my leg! Look! Did you see that?” He points at the mucky water and Bodhi looks. All he sees is dark water and Han is asking what Luke is talking about when suddenly the boy goes under. One sharp cry is all he manages before his head is pulled beneath water.

And Bodhi _panics._

Jyn and Cassian could handle this and he can't. _He can't, he's just the pilot._

The stupid useless pilot.

He's breathing too fast and frozen in place as Han and Leia are shouting into the water trying to find where Luke went. They're scared too, but they're _moving._

He needs to move. He needs to _do_ something.

Chewie wails and Han is still bent over calling Luke's name and trying to find something other than garbage in the water.

He's just standing there, shoulders at his ears, gasping for breath. Leia looks up at him, her mouth tight and her eyes are as haunted as his own. He tries to breathe and meet her gaze.

That's when Luke breaks the surface of the water and there's some _thing_ wrapped around his trooper suit. Some kind of tentacle thing and it's twisted around Luke's neck in a stranglehold.

All Bodhi sees is Bor Gullet and he wants to vomit.

The others are calling Luke's name. Leia is extending some pipe for him to grab onto when Luke manages to say,

“Blast it will you my gun's jammed,” the words coming out raw and squeezed.

“Where?” Han asks and Bodhi reacts without thinking as Luke yells,

“ _Anywhere!_ ”

Bodhi grabs the blaster out of Han's grasp and shoots at the tentacle holding Luke. He fires at least three shots into the wet black membrane of it's flesh and he sees something else gray and blinding as he does.

Still, he doesn't miss.

He throws the gun back at Han and proceeds to try and yank the farm boy to his feet. Luke staggers up as Han fires a few more shots at the thing holding him, but Luke nearly collapses again. Only Bodhi's iron grip on his arm keeps his head above water and Han comes to his side then, grabbing Luke's other arm and ripping the dead appendage off his neck.

The farm boy coughs and splutters and finally gets his feet under him when Leia asks,

“Are you alright?”

“I don't know,” he replies, still rough and coughing.

Nobody speaks for a minute. Everybody is catching their breath as the walls seem to shudder around them.

“Thanks,” Luke finally says to Bodhi who feels like he just uttered an alien language. He doesn't reply, he just stares. And Han is staring at Bodhi too in some kind of surprised appraisal.

The walls shudder again and it's louder this time. Bodhi drops Luke's arm like it burned him and turns to stare at the walls.

“I got a bad feeling about this,” Han says and then the walls start _moving_ , pressing inwards and Bodhi realizes with horror that he should have known.

This is a garbage _compactor._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO. Um a nice thing happened to Bodhi sort of??? I mean he got super triggered by the junk monster but then he got to do something about it and also Han was practically nice to him?? 
> 
> Also sorry for the wait I accidentally wrote another chapter before writing this one(And I sort of have a method for who is narrating when). Also the Great British Bake Off has 2 more seasons up on Netflix now and I binged all of the OA and nearly died over how sweet Riz Ahmed is on that show. Also if you haven't yet checked out his music that quote up top is from a lovely song of his called Sunburst. I also recommend Sour Taste and check out his verse in Immigrants(We Get the Job Done) on the Hamilton mixtape!
> 
> (Also I low key ship Bodhi and Luke a little but I'm also trapped in this hell where 4 male characters are in a room interacting(Chewie is a dude in the canon I believe) and it makes me insane to do the Bodie did this than Han did this than Luke did THIS. Basically I keep calling Luke a boy and then getting skeeved about him and Bodhi crushing on eachother even tho pretty sure Luke is 17 going on 18 and Bodhi is like 21 or 22 so the age gap isn't that weird???? Y'all I don't know I'm calling him farm boy sometimes even though Bodhi wouldn't know he's from a farm unless a kid like Luke is that big of a stereotype. whatever.)


	21. Who Will Be Pulled Under(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Jimmy Rustled Bird for the beta-ing

_A child places her hand on the roof of a school bus,_ __  
_ & drives across a city of sand. She knows _ __  
__  
_the exact spot it will skid, at which point_ __  
_the bridge will give, who will swim to safety_ __  
_ & who will be pulled under by sharks. She will learn _ __  
__  
_that if a man runs off the edge of a cliff_ __  
_he will not fall_ __  
__  
_until he notices his mistake._ __  
  
_—Cartoon Physics, part 1, Nick Flynn_

 ---

Jyn feels unmoored from herself.

Untethered.

Floating somewhere outside her body, trapped in a haze that blurs everything around her into something twisted and strange.

The only thing keeping her anchored is the pain. The nerve endings screaming in every part of her body. Her chest hurts when she breathes, her leg hurts when she walks, and her head is one steady pounding ache. She thinks that being run over by a bantha might hurt less.

And the haze is clearing, at a slower than slow pace the blur is fading. But in its absence, a bone deep exhaustion is setting in. Every step is like lighting her leg on fire and turning her vision a little grayer.

She is leaning on Cassian.

Cassian is dressed as a stormtrooper... She knows it's Cassian because... She vaguely remembers a conversation about his accent, the accent no Imperial would have. She remembers a hand pressing against her shoulder and that hand felt so _real._ It doesn't quite fit together, but she's almost positive the storm trooper she's leaning on is actually Cassian.

She's pretty sure she's run through this before... Possibly several times, remembering where that accent belongs and remembering who she's with. Somehow they're being led around this place by a Jedi and she can't remember why that is, but Cassian seems to trust him and so she goes along with it.

She's not sure what they would be doing if she stopped going along with it... There was something they had to do...

She's gone through this before as well.

Sifting through what floats to the surface, she remembers what looked like a moon looming large in the sky, their ship floating through pieces of a planet, _Stardust._

Her mind is a tangle of half memories and misplaced thoughts.

She knows she's leaning on Cassian, they are going to do something that they had to do.

She knows she's _exhausted._

It feels like they've been walking for an age when they stop. Her leg is screaming as she tries to stand, Cassian's hand digs into her side where he must be holding her up since she feels almost entirely liquid.

The Jedi... That boy called him _Ben..._ He's looking at her, or possibly behind her. She can feel Cassian crane his neck to follow the man's gaze and she focuses on standing. Her body might have turned to gelatin when she wasn't paying attention, but she needs to stay upright. Cassian said they needed to go. There was something she had to do. Yet her eyelids are so heavy, everything feels weighted. It's tempting to just give in, but she's startled from that thought when Cassian swears loudly and vehemently.

He's looking at her now. Both of them are and distantly she wonders what she missed.

“I asked if you were—” Cassian begins to say and then stops. She can't see his face with the helmet on, but he looks away shaking his head slightly.

“I think you know that she—” Ben begins to say when Cassian interrupts him.

“ _I know,_ ” and Jyn stands there and wonders what the _kriffing hell_ they are talking about.

“We're almost to one of the main reactor terminals. I'll be quick with my part,” Ben says.

“And you'll be using your...” Cassian trails off and makes some sort of empty gesture.

“I'm not a battery Captain. I can only keep us hidden for so long. It's hard enough keeping us all from view when she stands out so much,” Ben replies and Jyn feels completely lost. She wants to sleep so much, her eyes slide shut and she thinks it will only be a moment.

Suddenly, Cassian is shaking her.

“Jyn, _Jyn_ wake up,” he's saying in her ear and when she opens her eyes the helmet's gone and she's staring at those familiar dark eyes.

“Hi,” she says feeling like she should say something when he's so close and he lets out a sigh, briefly shutting his eyes like he's also very tired.

“Hello,” he replies. To someone else he says, “We _need_ to get her to a medbay after this. I'm not sure she'll make it to the Falcon without some bacta or something.”

Right, it's the old man he's talking to. Ben.

They are walking again, or something close to it in her case. She feels divorced from her legs, or maybe her whole body except for the part where she feels like she's made of broken glass.

Time feels relative in that every second feels like an eternity and less than a second. She has no idea how much time passes when they turn a corner and stop again.

The walls around them have changed. Before it was over-bright straight never ending walls now it's dimly lit and curved. There's a column at the center of this room.

But instead of going over there, somehow she's on the ground now and she didn't fall. Cassian's tight grip on her arms might be the answer to how she got here, but she's just glad to be sitting.

The trooper helmet is gone again. She's fairly certain it came back at some point, but it's gone now. His hair is sweaty and pressed to his forehead. Something about that makes her smile.

Cassian meanwhile is looking around like he's trying to find something.

The Jedi, Ben stands over them and a tearing sound grabs Cassian's attention. It's the Jedi tearing a long strip of fabric off of his long brown robes. He hands it to Cassian who murmurs a quick thank you while Jyn settles against this wall she's leaning on. It's a lot easier to sleep sitting down.

Cassian's talking to her, or maybe he's been talking to her in a steady stream.

“Jyn, I need you to stay awake okay? Just keep your eyes open for me. You're doing great.”

She wants to reply. Say a thank you or something... Maybe ask him if he ever thought they would end up here when they met in that darkened room on Yavin IV?

“Jyn, I can't tell where the bleeding is coming from and I can't bandage your entire leg,” he's saying and she suddenly recalls the knife in her leg with a flinch.

Cassian's moved back from her with his hands up.

“It's okay, it's okay. I just need to stop the bleeding,” she's not sure why he backed away, but she glances down at her leg. With the dark trousers there's no real sign of the hole that knife left except for the small slash in the fabric of the trousers. Without thinking she reaches out and prods at it. She hisses through her teeth at the pain and her fingers come away red.

Cassian's talking again.

“That's why I need to bandage that up okay? I just need to stop the bleeding,” he sounds gentle, imploring. She remembers a beach being swallowed by light. _'Your father would be proud.'_ And he's watching her like he's waiting for something.

“Do you know where you are right now?” he asks and she doesn't. She mumbles a quiet, 'no,' and Cassian looks down at the fabric in his hands.

“We're on the Death Star, Obi-Wan is disabling the tractor beam. Bodhi is with your friend Han Solo and that boy Luke. They have the droids with the plans on them.”

The Stardust plans...

As he speaks he is leaning forward and wrapping that brown fabric around her leg. His hands and the bandage are pressing down on what's still raw. She hisses again through her teeth as he works and then his talking becomes apologies.

“I know, I'm sorry but we need to stop the bleeding. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,”

She doesn't know why he's sorry, but she's too tired to ask him about it. The Jedi is at that column in the center of the room pushing buttons and pulling levers and she can barely keep her eyes open.

They slide shut.

“ _Damn it Jyn,_ I need you to _open your eyes!_ ” and he sounds almost frantic. She doesn't like hearing that and so she drags her eyes open again for the umpteenth time.

“'m sorry,” she mumbles and he exhales hard, looking at her in a way that she can't quite comprehend right now.

“Don't be sorry,” he tells her and she's too tired to understand, but she nods her head just once. It makes the room spin, but Cassian's got a tight grip on her arm and that helps a little.

That's when they hear the clacking sound of trooper's footsteps coming down the hall and Cassian looks back at the column and the Jedi. She can't see the looks exchanged, Ben is a far away blur and Cassian's back is to her. Whatever communication happens, he faces forward and swears.

And suddenly he's bracing his hands against the walls like he's trying to hide her body from view... Or trying to be a shield if the troopers have weapons...

She doesn't like this _at all._

Her hands are heavy and trembling, but she lifts one to grab at his shoulder.

“Don't...” she mumbles and he's shaking his head at her as she tries to pull at his shoulder. He's pale and tired and she wants him to go and get some _actual_ cover. She thinks she can remember another room like this one. Long and curved walls and a column in the middle. She thinks Cassian did something stupid then and got hurt. She thinks he might still be hurt although everything is still so muddled she thinks she remembers Cassian floating in a bacta tank and poking at a rib cage that was far from healed.

She thinks he got hurt trying to protect her.

She's trying to tell him, but the words won't cooperate, like her mouth is made from mud. “...Don't...please...” she manages and he replies, keeping his voice low.

“It's okay Jyn, it's okay,” and she wants to object and tell him it's _not okay_. Those troopers are getting closer. They come to the threshold of the chamber. Cassian crouches over her, almost like an embrace without contact. He's close enough that she could lean forward and rest her head on his shoulder where her hand still clings. He's looking behind him, but the moment the trooper steps into the room Cassian locks eyes with her.

They're frozen in this unblinking stare as the troopers saunter in. She sees them over Cassian's shoulder, distant and hidden beneath those skeleton masks they wear.

“Do you know what's going on?” one trooper asks and the other replies with heavy sarcasm,

“Maybe it's another drill.”

And then they just _leave._

Cassian waits over her for a few extra seconds before pushing himself to his feet with a grunt and storming over to the Jedi where he seems to appear from thin air beside the towering column at the center of the room.

“You could have said something, I thought we were going to be shot!” he's angry and Jyn doesn't quite understand why, but his words lash out at the old man.

“I wasn't sure I had the strength to conceal you from here... I attempted it, but I'm not sure if I succeeded or if the troopers simply didn't notice you because you _tried_ to hide.”

Cassian is a pillar of frustration where he stands in front of the old man. Both of them seem very far away from where she sits against the wall. The room feels like it's slipping and smearing around her, like stars in hyperdrive.

The pair of them are still talking.

“Is it possible to find a medbay?” Cassian asks.

“Anything is _possible,_ ” the Jedi replies.

“Don't be coy.”

“You could ask for directions again.”

“Would you be able to conceal Jyn if I did?”

“I'm afraid I'm still not a generator Captain, I have limits.”

“How would I know about your limits when you've been hiding out, doing nothing since the Clone Wars?”

She's very tired. The sudden silence seems to ring in her ears.

“Did you at least shut down the tractor beam?” Cassian asks.

“One moment,” the old man replies before doing something else to the panel he's standing in front of. Then he turns to Cassian, a small brown blur facing a white blur on that catwalk leading to the center of the room.

“There are two more troopers headed this way, go now and ask them about the medbay,” the old man says and Cassian cranes his head to look at the doorway. Then he seems to look at her.

She blinks and when she opens her eyes Cassian is kneeling down in front of her again.

“Are you with me?” he asks and the question sounds fragile. She nods once, it does nothing to help the vertigo, but something around his eyes eases.

“I'll watch over her,” the old man is saying. He's right there, standing over her and Cassian.

Stormy eyes glance back at the Jedi before turning to her.

“I'll only be a minute. Stay awake.”

With that, he's gone and the Jedi (Ben) is kneeling down to look at her with clear blue eyes. She stares back blearily and wishes she could rest, but Cassian asked her not to so she stares at the old man.

It's the Jedi who finally breaks the quiet.

“I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you'll be alright,” he says gently, even kindly, and his words feel like weights and they feel true.

“I wonder though, if you might pass something on to Luke for me when all is said and done?” he continues, the calm on his face marred by a sadness she doesn't understand.

“Something about his father...”

At that moment a trooper comes racing in and the Jedi is on his feet as Cassian tears the helmet off.

“There's a medbay, in the next section three halls down, room 5387,” he says in a rush and above her the old man nods. She does too and when she opens her eyes Cassian's beside her again.

He's jamming his helmet on and he still sounds like Cassian as he murmurs, “Alright Jyn, it's time to move.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who really like the literary quotes I actually changed Jyn's on chapter 2, her first chapter. I found a much better one. Also...Jyn's just having a terrible day you guys...
> 
> In other news I'm Jewish and living in the US so as you might imagine I find the state of the world I live in upsetting right now. It's been hard to write this sometimes but knowing you guys are reading and enjoying it is really good motivation to keep going so thank you for that. We're definitely past the halfway point now.


	22. Stripped to the Bone(Cassian/Baze/Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah...a lot of characters had something to say this chapter....I hope it's not confusing
> 
> Thanks Jimmy-Rustled-Bird for helping my sentences make good grammar :D

 

 _I’ll be the calm_  
_I will be quiet_  
_Stripped to the bone, I wait_  
_No, I’ll be a stone, I’ll be the hunter  
A tower that casts a shade_

 _I lie awake and watch it all  
_ _It feels like a thousand eyes_

_—Thousand Eyes, Of Monsters and Men_

\---

She _apologized._

He thinks few moments will haunt him until the end of his days and this girl apologizing while she nearly bleeds out might be one of them.

She'd been on the edge of unconsciousness the whole time, but sitting on the floor in the reactor terminal she nearly passed out and he panicked.

He yelled at her and she _apologized._

He had been saying a lot of sorrys when he was bandaging her leg because it was necessary and it was _hurting_ her. She barely understands what’s happening to her.

It doesn't sit right.

He feels a _lot_ worse about letting her leave the Falcon on her own in the first place. It was her decision and yet he feels like he's somehow to blame for it. Maybe it's because she was doing it to protect them.

She did it because she thought she could withstand questioning and maybe she did, but at what cost?

Of course he knows that if she managed to keep the plans a secret than she succeeded.

Rationally, he _knows_ this.

And yet he's finding it harder and harder to think in acceptable losses with her.

\---

Once Ben finishes at the reactor terminal he pulls Jyn to her feet and she stumbles against him. He can hear the hiss of pain that she makes when she tries to take her own weight. He pulls her arm over his shoulder and ignores the way his own chest aches at the motion and the new weight being put on it. He tries not to think about what feels like bone fragments grinding. Right now he can stand and she can't so that's that.

Then the alarm starts blaring.

For an instant he freezes in panic and looks over at Obi-Wan who shakes his head, tight-lipped. The alarms are too distant, they're not originating in this room. They are signaling troops elsewhere and he can breathe again, but only just. If it's not them, the likelihood is it's Bodhi, Han, the boy, and the droids.

Part of him almost wishes the alarm was for them instead.

There's nothing he can do to help them right now so he sets his teeth and adjusts his hold on Jyn before marching out into the hall. It's blindingly bright compared to the dimly lit terminal room and Obi-Wan turns to them both.

“This is where I must leave you,” the Jedi says and Cassian freezes, beside him Jyn weaves on her feet.

“Excuse me?” he asks and Obi-Wan sighs.

“I did what was necessary and what I agreed to do. I have disabled the tractor beam and I helped you find your friend. But if I continue with you both, my presence will draw _unwanted_ attention,” he says in that calm genial way of his, as though they were discussing something as casual as the weather.

“ _Unwanted_ ...” Cassian has to stop and scoff. “I'm in an obviously poorly fitted Trooper uniform and she's bleeding _out._ The only reason we made it so far was because of your _help_ ,” somehow that truth tastes very sour on his tongue. He does not like needing help or asking for it and here he is, begging for it. “What could possibly be so fearsome as to warrant your running off now?” he asks and Obi-Wan looks at him in that way that seems so unbearably kind.

“My presence _is_ drawing unwanted attention. You know who is on this space station, I know you heard him. He was looking for me then and is still looking now. He will find me soon enough...It's inevitable.”

He doesn't need to say the name, he certainly heard the telltale sound of a gasping respirator on the other side of that door right before they found Jyn.

“He will find me and I would rather you not be there when he does,” the old man says and he's looking at both Cassian and Jyn.

There are a million questions he _wants_ to ask. Like how does the Jedi know? Or why can't he just hide like he did before? But he truly knows the answers already.

He wonders if, in the old man's eyes, this is some sort of cosmic repayment for when Jyn put herself on the line for all of them. Or maybe for all those years when he did nothing. He can't know the old man's motivations, he can only take what he's being given and run.

Neither of them speak for a moment.

“Thank you,” Cassian says and Obi-Wan inclines his head.

Cassian wants to say something else. Something that can encompass what this is. He could understand when Jyn risked herself for them, but this man is almost a stranger. He has no reason to care about either of them.

He can feel Jyn's hand tightening around the armor plating on his shoulder, but she too remains silent.

Obi-Wan looks at her, almost like he can hear whatever she's too tired to say. His eyes crinkle at the corners.

“May the Force be with you both,” he says, “And tell Luke...” he trails off in a rare moment of uncertainty.

“I will,” Cassian says and the old man nods like that is enough. He'll tell the boy something and hopefully it _will be_ enough.

Jyn's grip on his shoulder plating is still too tight and he wonders if something might crack. Either her fingers or the armor which is compressing painfully against his shoulder.

The Jedi gives them both one final look and turns on his heel. He turns a corner and then he's gone leaving them both there.

Finally, truly alone, in this lifeless place.

He turns his attention to Jyn's hand on the shoulder plating. The stormtrooper gloves make him clumsy as he attempts to loosen her grip.

“Jyn, it's okay.”

It's truly not, but when it's this bad he prefers a gentle lie to a hard truth. When she's back to herself they can trade barbed shards of honesty, but right now he just needs her to not break for a little while longer.

He's not even sure if she's reacting to Obi-Wan leaving or something internal that he doesn't know about. Her head lolls even as she shakes it in vehement disagreement.

“S'not okay,” she manages, slurring the words out so they land in a pile at his feet. He sighs.

“No...it's not...come on we're close now.”

\-----

It's been half a day since Chirrut woke up for that brief moment to warn Baze. He went in for another bacta session after that and now he's back to resting on his cot.

Baze is still waiting.

He is very good at it.

The fact is, they don't where the children _are._ The only thing they can do is pick up and head for Yavin IV and wait for their arrival _there_. And that's not much of an option. Heading blindly for Alderaan could be a waste of everyone's time... And in Chirrut's condition he would rather head towards the place where they're have a shot at a bed in a med facility. Maybe not right away, he's really not sure what the tone will be on Yavin IV. They told Jyn what she wanted to know, but she and Cassian defected with 30 or so Rebellion soldiers and their ships. There were many casualties.

There may not be a kind reception for any of them on Yavin IV.

Nonetheless it's where they will have to go.

It's where the children will certainly go and if they are to be of any sort of help they must go too.

He tells himself it's more for Chirrut's benefit than his own. His husband has always had a soft heart after all.

Still he has to admit... Yavin IV would be better than waiting here in the silence, no matter what reception they receive.

He has nothing for company besides Chirrut's hand lying limp between his own.

He's never been one for meditation or anything of that sort, even as a way to pass the time. But there is a sort of stillness that descends in the waiting. An outwards silence while his thoughts churn slow and quiet. It's a hunter's stillness and it never quite fits when there's nothing to hunt, but it's what he's got so he sits still and quiet and thinks.

He's deep enough in thought that the voice speaking softly manages to startle him:

“You want to go after them,” Chirrut murmurs, somehow watching him through half lidded eyes in the way that only a blind man can.

“So do you,” Baze replies and Chirrut chuckles like a soft and tired cough.

“You should head into that cantina a mile up the road and charter us a ship to Yavin IV,” he says and Baze knows better than to ask how he's figured out there's a cantina a mile away, or how he knows where they need to go when he's been essentially unconscious since Scariff.

“And how will you travel? You're held together right now by nothing but bandages and bacta,” Baze retorts although the words lack bite. Chirrut's hand closing around his own is such a relief.

“If I were planning to get into another fight that would be a problem, but we're just waiting for them to come back to Yavin IV. I can wait in my condition,” Chirrut tells him. And there's something in his voice that gives it away... Chirrut's already made up his mind and Baze is fighting the inevitable.

“And how will we get you onto that ship? Will we carry you on this cot?” he asks and Chirrut looks amused.

“Well I think you had better, since I certainly can't stand,” he says and Baze huffs out a grumbling sigh.

“You're not even wearing _anything_ under those blankets,” he mutters and Chirrut smiles at him beatifically.

“I know,” he says and Baze sighs again.

There's a lot that is not being said right now. The assassin doesn't like to state things aloud and Chirrut won't demand that of him since he's surely already grasped it.

Chirrut scared Baze shitless when he nearly got himself killed on Scariff. It's not a scare Baze will recover from quickly. If that means he's worrying a little more for his husband, Chirrut won't criticize him for it. The blind man simply squeezes his hand and says with a hint of that previous amusement, “I'm sure the nurses could put me in some proper medical scrubs for the trip.”

And Baze knows he's lost and he's not sure if he's too torn up about it, mostly he's just tired. He sounds tired in his own ears when he asks, “What will we tell the crew we charter to explain you?”

Chirrut doesn't even hesitate. Baze wonders if at some point he was no longer unconscious and simply meditating. Plotting before he decided to fully join the land of the living. It would be very like him to do that.

“We'll tell them I've got some medical condition that's gotten worse. Something sad and degenerative so they won't ask too many questions. Say we're going to Yavin IV to see a specialist for some procedure. That way you can still play the worried husband which is good because you're a terrible actor.” He finishes with another grin and Baze rubs at his face with his hands. It's a good story. The kind that garners sympathy, but most people won't ask too many questions.

“I won't tell them _all_ of that.” And Chirrut's grin never wavers.

“But you'll tell them enough to get the job done. Now go find that nice doctor and see if you can talk her into releasing me by tomorrow morning. After that I think you could sell a few of our things to pay for a cheap passage to Yavin IV.”

Baze looks at Chirrut.

He does look better. He's got some color back in his cheeks and his grip on Baze's hand is strong.

“With the few things we can sell between us we'll barely be able to afford a closet to sleep in, let alone a meal,” he says ruefully

“Well I do like to keep you close, husband. Also I think that doctor is going to tell you I need to be on a liquid diet for the time being,” Chirrut replies.

“And what about me?” Baze asks in a mild mock affront and Chirrut grins.

“You're a big strong man, I think you can manage for a day sharing some of whatever nutrient paste the doctor provides us,” he replies and Baze doesn't correct him about the fact that Chirrut will _not_ be sharing that. Anything the doctor gives him for Chirrut will be for him alone. Baze will go hungry for a day knowing he's gone hungry for longer, he can surely survive a day if necessary. He doesn't say anything in reply.

Chirrut's smile dims.

“You need to get a move on while there is still daylight left,” he says and Baze doesn't reply.

He's spent so long holding Chirrut's lifeless hands, part of him doesn't want to separate from the life he feels in them now.

Part of him worries what might happen in his absence.

“I'll be here when you get back,” Chirrut says gently, “Now go.”

The only other thing Baze has done better than waiting is giving in to his husband's requests.

So he goes.

\----

The first thing Cassian looks for is a place to hide Jyn. It will be a lot easier to do this alone, with his stormtrooper guise firmly in place. That's a little hard to maintain when he's the only thing keeping this ragged girl on her feet.

Not to mention the increased risk of walking down the halls together without Obi-Wan casting whatever charm he had been using to hide them. He doesn't quite understand it, but without that bit of protection in place, it will be much easier to do this part alone.

He doesn't like leaving her though.

He quickly finds what appears to be a storage closet. The shelves are piled high with what smells like cleaning supplies and oils. A tall box sits against the back wall, fenced in by shelves that are filled with more boxes of tools and so on. The first thing he does is rip off that damned trooper helmet before he guides Jyn to that tall box and tries to let her down gently. His ribs scream at the way he bends to do it, but Jyn is so tired, he's worried that if he's not careful she'll simply land in a puddle on the floor. Once he's unslung her arm from around his shoulders, she nearly does. Her body sways forward to nearly slide right off the box. At that he bends again, wincing as he does, and pulls her to sitting on the floor. Her back is supported by the box and if she falls, it isn't far until she meets the ground.

She's watching him blearily, her boneless acquiescence speaks volumes to her weariness. He misses seeing some of that fight in her. Seeing her without that spark for so long unsettles him somehow. He's hoping he can pull what he needs from the med bay for her. Some painkillers, some of those emergency fluid replenishment packs they give to soldiers in the field when they're bleeding out. He might even risk a stim just to get her mobile under her own power.

Even if he can get her another set of trooper armor it will look strange if he's holding her up. If they are going to sneak back onto the Millenium Falcon, they need to blend in.

But first he needs to get to the med bay and back before she passes out. He rises to his feet, barely managing to hide the wince as she stares up at him. He stares back for a long drawn out instant. He asked her this several times already, but in her current state he has to ask again,

“Jyn, do you know where you are?” She blinks up at him, languid and slow with exhaustion. Finally she gives him a sluggish shake of her head. He stares for a moment longer before kneeling again, despite his body screaming in protest, so he can look her in the eye.

“We're on the Death Star. The space station your father built,” he can see the effect his words are having buried beneath layers of drug and fatigue. Flickers of feeling crossing her features and sparking in her eyes.

“You were questioned,” and he pauses when she looks away and shivers.

“That Jedi, Obi-Wan was helping us, but he had to go off on his own so now it's just us. Bodhi's with your friend Han and that farm boy. And I'm going to get you some medicine to fix you up so we can head back to the Falcon to meet them.”

It's over simplified by a mile and paints a far easier picture than what the last hours have been. But he wants to walk back into that hall knowing that at least for the moment, Jyn understands why he's leaving her.

She told him once,

“ _I'm not used to people sticking around when things go bad.”_

Judging by what little he knows of her, he can guess that means people left her a lot. So he tries with her now. He tries and knows even if his words permeate her fugue she might forget in a matter of minutes. As it stands she doesn't respond, she just keeps her eyes on him.

He has no idea what that could mean and he wishes for a lot of empty things that may never come to pass, like their surviving to make it off this space station.

If only to get the plans to the Rebellion.

He had a lot of complicated feelings about his own survival, but he knows that Jyn should live and he knows they have a mission to complete.

Of course she was the one who said it best when she said they had to ' _keep taking chances until all the chances are spent,_ ' and that feels like eons ago, but it's true enough now. He won't stop until he's dead and he knows neither will she. So he groans to his feet and her eyes follow him up. There's nothing else to say when she's so close to being permanently spent.

“I'll be back soon,” he tells her and jams the helmet back on ignoring the way his body is screaming at him for rest. His legs want a respite from the heavy armor that still aches, even without Jyn's added weight to carry, and his bones feel like they are rapidly turning to sand.

Still, he shuts the door behind him and forces his back to be straight and marches along the hall towards the med-bay.

He's there soon enough and the doors slide open at his presence.

He thanks the Force that the med bay is not one of the rooms requiring a code to open the door. Of course when the Empire is so used to their soldiers falling in line and dying on command, it's not surprising that they don't think to lock down their medical supplies.

He steps over the threshold and curses his luck.

It's not unexpected for there to be a doctor present and on call in the med bay, it just means he has to work harder to get what he needs.

“What can I do for you...?” a female doctor asks in a sarcastic drawl. She appears to be a twi'lek with jade green skin that only darkens at the end of her long lekku. She wears a white medical coat over what appears to be the standard Imperial uniform, she has two humanoid looking assistants working at a counter behind her, and she's clearly waiting for Cassian to identify himself.

“TK-421,” he supplies, remembering that was one of the troopers they took down back on the Falcon.

“Well TK-421 what are you needing from me today?” she asks and her assistants don't even glance away from their work. That means this is normal to them. He puts a little more steel in his spine and says,

“I was sent to get a fresh med-kit for prisoner level seven, section BC-47.” Years of practice keep his voice as steady as a droid's. The doctor blinks at him in a way that seems mostly bored as she leans on an empty operating table. She lazily stares at him for a moment too long before she lifts herself up and snaps her fingers at her assistants. That's the only signal needed for one of them to jump up and grab an empty kit off the shelf and run around filling it. The doctor follows at a leisurely pace throwing in a few extra items here or there and Cassian's itching at the woman's speed, but he forces himself to remain at attention.

“Honestly,” she says as she adds a second roll of bandages to the kit, “I know they’re Rebel scum...” She glances at him.  “Hardly people and all that, but the way you interrogate them is really quite ghastly sometimes,” she says as she waits for the assistant to grab one final jar of bacta off a high shelf. The other assistant hasn't glanced at them once the entire time, just continued at her work in a way that's almost eerie. The doctor's words made his mouth go dry. And she's still going, “Of course I love our Emperor and I would never question his will... But I've had to put a few of your prisoners back together and it's...” her lip curls, “Unpleasant.”

And Cassian is saved from having to reply by his disguise. Troopers are not meant to be conversationalists.

“Yes ma'am,” he says and tries not to think. He just needs that box and then he can leave. Thankfully the doctor closes the lid and plonks the heavy box into his waiting hands.

“Well, off you go then,” she says like an indulgent parent and not like a doctor who just complained about keeping patients alive.

“Yes ma'am,” he says and that's when her comms buzz. He turns to go as he hears the crackling voice say, “ _We found a blood trail by the level seven reactor terminal. Keep all med bays under close surveillance, they may try to steal supplies.”_

Cassian can't help but slow as he reaches the door. Only the years of training keep him from visibly flinching. He doesn't turn around.

“Message received,” the doctor says into the comms and finally he risks a glance back. If she has a blaster on him, he'd like to know.

Instead he finds her watching him, straight backed and keen eyed. Her assistants are both back at the desk and absorbed in their work.

“Well? Aren't they waiting for you in BC-47?” and her drawl hasn't changed, but something in her face is different. It's just a feeling, but he inclines his head the slightest bit and she does the same.

With that he turns on his heel knowing she could be an undercover agent, or a sympathizer, or an Imperial stricken with a moment of mercy.

Whatever she is, if they succeed with the plans she will die here and there's nothing he's going to do about it. He clutches the kit tightly and leaves this unsettling room behind.

\---

Jyn's tired. She's almost certain of that and nothing else as her vision keeps getting grayer and darkening at the edges. She remembers Cassian telling her to stay awake, she remembers something about him going away... He said he'd be back soon.

She's too tired to think too hard on whether she's been left here... Wherever here is.

She thinks it's a space station... Something about stardust.... The cogs of her mind are churning slower and slower.

She's cold, she's been shaking for awhile now.

She's been in this small room for awhile now.

She's so tired and she needs to stay awake.

Her eyelids feel heavy, her whole body feels weighted. It's costing her just to keep her eyes open.

She's so tired... She needs...to...

Her leg feels wet again, the brown fabric tied around is soaked like a sponge.

She's so tired.....

She closes her eyes. _It'll only be for a moment._

She's so......

…Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh....sorry not sorry???? I just...like making things hard?????  
> Also. It was real nice to just visit with Chirrut and Baze right? I'm really not sure how to write them into the larger story because they are *settled* y'know? It's hard to write big conflicts with them because they are just so settled already and know exactly who they are and have made peace with that and shit....idk it was nice to visit with the space husbands. They are *on the move now* I'm not leaving their asses on Tatooine.  
> Also have I mentioned I paint? [I'm working on a Bodhi](http://ladyknightthebrave.tumblr.com/post/157935359622/im-painting-a-bodhi-based-on-the-prettiest) but GOD I haven't painted in awhile it sucks right now. And I had to work last weekend and I spent the rest of it glued to the couch crocheting a hat and watching Great British Bake Off....basically I'm very distractable. Sorry for the wait. Thank you so much to everybody for your kind words and encouragement. A lot of you chimed in on the last chapter and I appreciated it immensely. Special shout out to areth_lovejoy who, for two days, gave me chapter by chapter reactions as she caught up and it was a delight. You're all A+


	23. Rebels and Mutineers(Han/Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Jimmy-Rustled-Bird for the help. Also I'm just going to say I think bit of lyrics is the tone of Han Solo's internal monologue

 

 _Long live the pioneers_  
_Rebels and mutineers_  
_Go forth and have no fear_  
_Come close the end is near_  
_And I say hey, living like we’re renegades_  
  
_—Renegades, X Ambassadors_  
  
_\---_

He's worried.

There's too many unknown factors in play. The kid who seems to have almost no concept of how to stay alive, the stuck up princess who is utterly convinced she knows best, and Jyn's friend Bodhi, who looks like a stiff wind could blow him over. The little guy seems constantly horrified by his current predicament. Not to mention, he appears to be prone to freezing up or to getting shit done at seemingly random intervals.

Chewie at least is solid, occasionally frustrating, but always predictable and dependable backup in any circumstance.

But they did not sign up for this. He agreed to bring a traumatized girl to Alderaan, and for substantially less money than he might normally charge. Some would say he's gone soft, but he had the old man's money to make up for it. Why he and the kid wanted to go to Alderaan as well hardly concerned him. The fact that they were all headed for the same place was just blasted convenient for him. He made a small mint without having to even make a second trip.

He should have known it wouldn't be so easy.

First the tractor beam, and then the girl decides to martyr herself. Maybe it's more for her people than him and Chewie, but he's not comfortable with people dying for him in any capacity. Especially not some kid who looks like she could be taken out with one good shot.

Now Andor is off to try and bring her back and part of Han genuinely hopes that he succeeds. If only so he can go about his business with a clearer conscience. Another part of him thinks they're both as good as dead now. He can only hope they disable the tractor beam before they get hunted down in this death trap.

...Sorry...Death _Star._

_\---_

When the walls started closing in there wasn't time to argue.

“Don't just stand there, try and brace it with something!” the princess called out and suddenly they were all lifting beams and bracing them against the advancing walls.

Chewie pushed at one of the walls with his bare hands, screaming his alarm. Han wishes he could get away with that kind of attitude right now.

He is side by side with the princess lifting a heavy metal pole up to try and stop the walls progress. Bodhi's with the kid trying something similar with a long wooden beam. The objects are heavy and give way like wet paper when pressed by the compactor's walls.

That's when the kid apparently remembers his commlink and turns it on to shout for his droid.

“3PO? 3PO, _come in 3PO_!”

The kid keeps calling for his droid while Bodhi abandons the wooden beam to join Han who is still trying to support the metal pole, even as it's bending from the force of the crushing walls.

Its total chaos.

“ _Try to climb up!_ ” he yells at them and Bodhi clambers up the junk to try and give the princess a hand up. But as what they're standing on shifts rapidly, they just can't get high enough to climb back up.

The kid is still yelling for his droid when Han informs them all

“Well, we're all gonna be a lot thinner when this is over,” and his only response is a howl from Chewie and two tight lipped stares from Bodhi and the princess.

The walls keep coming as they all push and pull. Its hopeless, but they keep doing it anyway. Han is not ready to die today. He has plenty more to do and to steal before it's time for that. He hopes to settle down one day, maybe have a wife and a kid. None of that can happen if he get's crushed on _this Force forsaken space station._

That's when the droid finally answers the kid's hails. He can hardly hear the droid over the creaking and groaning of metal crushing around them, but he can hear the kid reply,

“Shut down all garbage mashers on the detention level, will you? Do you copy? _Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!_ ”

They can't get on top of what shifts like quicksand beneath them and the garbage around them is starting to compress against their limbs, painfully so. Joints start popping as Han continues to try and move around in the tightening mass surrounding them. He can see the princess tight lipped and fighting it, Bodhi's gone still and pale. Han just keeps trying to fight against the stiffening tide around them.

If he is going to die, it won't be without a fight.

Then it stops.

\---

The walls grind to a halt and they all stand frozen in an utterly stunned silence.

How many times can a man almost die? His brushes with death are coming multiple times a day now and every time Bodhi feels like he needs to stop and readjust afterward.

He needs to reconfigure it all until he can remember that he's still in one piece and still breathing.

He wishes he could breathe normally, but they are still on the Death Star and Jedha is still dead. Few things can comfort those hard facts. Especially when Cassian and Jyn are still not with them.

The others are whooping and cheering their continued survival while Bodhi stands there and tries to put himself back in order. He's startled from his thoughts by Luke pulling him into an embrace.

It alarms him in more ways than one when Luke pulls back with a bright eyed grin and says,

“We're alright,” like its a cheer or some kind of affirmation. His commlink is still talking at him, tinny and garbled and he pulls away from Bodhi to yell into it,

“3PO we're alright!”

And he's happily calling out instructions for the droids to unlock the door to their compactor. Distantly he can hear C-3PO continuing his stream of vaguely distressed chatter even as the door opens and they all spill out into yet another hallway.

Everybody takes a moment to breathe cleaner air, and Bodhi is again distracted by Luke shaking the dirty water from his hair.

“Well if we can just avoid any more _female_ advice, we ought to be able to get out of here,” Han says handing Luke his blaster back. That successfully diverts Bodhi's attention away from the farm boy to stare at Han incredulously. The other man catches his look and pauses, raising his hands as if to ask _'what did I do?'_ Behind him Leia makes a derisive sound, in somebody less refined he might call it a snort.

Then something seems to spook the wookiee who was standing by the open garbage compactor door. He let's out some kind of a growl and goes charging down the hall. In the garbage room Bodhi can just barely see something moving as Han aims his blaster.

“ _No wait, they'll hear_ ” Leia cries out as Han shoots at whatever was moving and calls out to the wookiee,

“Come here, you big coward.”

And Bodhi watches as Leia stalks towards the man, every inch of her is royally infuriated.

“Listen. I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but from now on, you do as I tell you. Okay?” She says and condescension drips from every word. Without anything further she starts off down the hall expecting the rest of them to follow and they do. Han looks offended by the universe itself as he catches up to reply,

“Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight! I take orders from one person. _Me._ ”

“Well it's a wonder you're still alive,” she says and then over her shoulder she catches Bodhi's eye. She falls back to walk beside him, letting Luke and the wookiee take the lead. And, without any preamble she begins,

“You're Bodhi Rook, part of the Rogue One crew are you not?” For a moment she leaves him speechless. Finally, he manages to reply,

“Y-yes ma'am. I was the pilot.”

“You're the one who defected from the Empire,” she continues and she really reminds him so much of Jyn. So much raw purpose packed into such a small frame. She's probably younger than he is, but not by much and with her personality it hardly seems to matter.

“Yes m-ma'am,” he says and it feels like progress when only his hands are shaking and he buries them in his pockets.

“You were captured by Saw Gerrera and the Partisans?” she asks and he shudders and nods. For a moment she simply nods as well, her eyes lingering on the half healed marks around his neck. There's that sadness again when she looks away, but her tone is all business as she asks,

“What happened to the rest of Rogue One?”

All he can think is that it wasn't enough to stop Alderaan from being obliterated, but still, he forces himself to speak.

“Chirrut and B-Baze...” he pauses at the look she gives him, “The temple g-guardians from Jedha are b-b-back on Tatooine at a med facility. Jyn let herself get c-caught to give us time to disable the t-tractor beam that pulled us in here. C-Cassian went to g-get her with Obi-Wan,” he says and he glances down at her. For such a powerful presence she is quite small, and now there is a tightness in her eyes and around her mouth.

“And you have the droid?” she asks and he nods.

“We have t-the droids, they're safe. Luke's been t-talking to them over that commlink,” he points as Luke whose saying something to Han with a small smile. Bodhi turns back at Leia to find her watching him keenly. She looks like she's about to say something else when they jog across a hallway to see the Falcon waiting below them in the main hangar.

“There she is,” Han says while Luke activates his commlink,

“C3PO do you copy? Are you safe?”

From where Bodhi stands he can hear the droids put upon reply of _“For the moment,_ ” while he feels Leia's stare burning a hole in his back. It only fades when she moves past him to look down on the Falcon.

“ _We're in the main hangar across from the ship,”_ the droid continues and Luke replies,

“We're right above you. Stand by.”

From where Leia stands at the window, she glances back at Han,

“You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.”

Han shoos them all onwards grumbling, “No reward is worth _this._ ”

\---

The princess is an irritant. A snobby stuck up annoyance. Han is going to need to be handed millions to make up for putting up with her.

The sooner they get off this blasted station, and the sooner he can drop them off like so much cargo, the better.

He shoos them onward and he's wondering what happens if they get there and the girl, the captain, and the old man haven't found their way back yet? Or worse, if they're dead?

It's not like they can wait around for long.

He's considering this when they turn a corner to see it a hall filled with troopers. He doesn't think, he sure as hell doesn't plan well, but this is where he knows how to handle himself.

He draws his pistol and starts firing hearing the others call for him.

“ _Get back to the ship!_ ” he yells over his shoulder before charging blind after the retreating stormtroopers. As always, they scatter in the face of any real force.

He turns a corner with a shout to see they _actually_ retreated for reinforcements.

 _A lot_ of reinforcements.

He beats a quick exit finding both Chewie and Bodhi waiting just a short distance behind him. He fires his blaster back at the oncoming troopers and keeps running.

They find some blast doors and jump through them as they seal shut. Once the doors close, he shoots the controls before whirling on Bodhi.

“Why didn't you go with the others like I said? Are you trying to be stupid?” he demands and the little guy just stares at him, wide eyed and shaking. For a moment he almost feels bad for yelling when Chewie steps forward and wraps his big heavy arms around the smaller man. In his own language Chewie hollers at him for not giving clearer instructions before he ran off.

Bodhi stares up at the wookiee with big eyes, one hand slowly reaching up to pat the fluffy arms encasing him.

“Aw come on Chewie,” Han says with a dismissive wave of his hand, “I think I was plenty clear.” Chewie barks at Han some more in disagreement because Chewie will always call him on his bullshit.

Han grumbles and turns away for a minute to take a breath.

“Alright fine, but if you get blasted it's not on me,” he tells Bodhi with a finger jabbing towards his chest. The smaller man nods and Chewie releases him from his hold.

Han growls under his breath and decides it's time to keep moving. He takes off at a jog with the confidence that the others will follow. A glance behind him confirms they are keeping up. That look also gives him time to see Bodhi reach out and softly pat Chewie’s arm like a silent ‘ _Thank you.’_ And even if he doesn't speak the language, Chewie replies _'You're welcome.'_

Han turns to face forward, not needing to see anymore. It reminds him too much of things he would rather not think about and friends who are long gone or soon might be. So they head onward, and he can only hope it is towards their imminent escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um sorry for the delay? I keep writing two chapters to get one out(I'm having a hard time tearing myself away from Cassian and Jyn so I end up writing half of their next chapter before getting back to the others so the next chapter should come sooner, perhaps over the weekend???)  
> Also I got sick this week and life never has a pause button for me damn it!  
> But did y'all like Chewie deciding Bodhi is his new favorite? If somebody ever makes fanart of my fic I would be DELIGHTED if it were of Bodhi, pat-patting Chewies arms while he's being hugged. Basically Bodhi is A GOOD SOFT BOY AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. Even Han knows, he's just getting grumpy because he's stressed and occasionally an idiot.  
> And as an aside I'm not sure if I like this chapter very much...It's a big *things happening* chapter. Lots of moving pieces and not a lot of room for feels...so not my wheelhouse so much idk...we're going back to Jyn and Cassian next


	24. Come Out of The Storm(Cassian/Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay like I AM SO NOT A DOCTOR. Anything sound like bullshit medically? Allow me to handwave it away as *MAGIC* or magic science...however you prefer
> 
> Thank you Jimmy Rustled Bird for the punctuation and puns about this chapter

 

_And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”_

_—Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami_

 

He holds the handle of the case so tight he thinks his fingers might break or perhaps the white plasteel around them.

Cassian's exhausted, but he's close.

He forces himself to jog at a steady pace. Moving quickly, but not rushing. There are still those distant alarms, so he can't stand out. A few troopers passed him by at similar speeds.

Also, he isn't sure he can handle a full run right now. Even the jogging, jolts his insides every time his feet hit the ground. It's exhausting, but as he turns the corner, his goal is in sight.

He glances behind him once as he reaches the door to the supply closet.

For the moment, the hall is empty.

As smoothly as he can, he presses the button for the door to open and calmly slides inside letting the door swish closed behind him.

It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust from the too-bright halls to the poorly lit closet with it's one raw looking bulb blinking shoddily above them. A rare flaw in the otherwise seemingly flawless Imperial machine.

He deeply hopes they will find the flaw in those plans...

He cannot even think of what would happen if there is no flaw and Galen Erso was wrong...

But right now he has to focus as he rips his helmet off to see better in the dim light. What he sees nearly makes his heart stop.

Jyn.

In a heap on the floor.

She's unconscious.

 _“Shavit,_ ” he swears throwing the helmet to the side and kneeling beside her.

“Jyn, can you hear me?” he asks her, at a higher volume than he ought when they're hiding.

There's no response and he curses again, slamming the med kit on the ground and jerking it open with hands that are clumsy with nerves. They are shaking as he digs through the supplies.

A stim could be too much for her body to take after all the drugs and the blood loss. With one hand he keeps digging through the kit and the other shakes off its trooper glove and gauntlet. The armor is clunky and not good for any precision work which he may have to do right now.

With the ungloved hand he reaches over to check her pulse. It's weak, but it's there and already he breathes a little easier. He takes off the other glove and gauntlet before holding a hand in front of her mouth to check her breathing. It's another relief to feel her breath ghosting over his palm. Her forehead is warm, but her skin is clammy. It could be the shock and the drugs are just making her body temperature go haywire... It could be some side effect of that _god damned_ drug that he doesn't know about. He isn't a doctor, his knowledge of medicine is limited.

The stim could further unbalance her, but unconscious she'll be harder to move, an easier target, and it's possible she could slip into a coma (he doesn't know for sure and that's what has him on edge).

So awake and overtaxed? Or unconscious verging on coma? He checks her pulse again and swears it's gotten weaker.

He curses his options and yanks the seal off the tube for a stim shot. Then he _prays_ and leans over to jam the needle into her neck. His hand shakes a little more as he pushes the plunger down to deliver the clear liquid into her veins.

\---

She has the vaguest sensation of floating, like she's suspended in water. She can see nothing but stars and she gets the sense of voices calling her name.

Before her is the feeling of a familiar warmth in the shape of figures she can't quite identify. One of them reaches out with a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 _Not yet Stardust,_ the voice seems to say.

And then the sensation of being pulled back.

\---

She comes to consciousness _hard._

Her lungs gasping in a breath like she was drowning, her back arching in a spasm.

There's a hand braced on her shoulder and her mind is whirling like a centrifuge.

Everything is too much as the gasping becomes a wracking cough and somebody is speaking.

“It’s okay Jyn, _just breathe_.”

Her eyes are open and staring at the ceiling and there is a hand on her shoulder.

She grabs the arm attached to that hand like another spasm and holds on tight. Her eyes are wide as she finally manages to see...

It's Cassian.

Cassian's hand on her shoulder, his arm in her grip.

“Jyn,” he says and it sounds steadier than he looks.

“Cassian,” she gasps out, because her mind is a tornado, but this feels like one of the only questions she has the answer to, and it feels like a relief to say it.

She knows almost nothing, facts and memories and half remembered dreams are a giant tangle rolling around in her head. Everything is too much, too loud, too bright. Her senses are screaming overload and her skin burns like someone put all her nerve endings outside of her body.

Everything is too much, and too close. She can't breathe with so much of everything clawing at her.

She scrambles upright, knocking Cassian’s hand off her shoulder, and ending up with her back against some large box.

He stays where he is, hands up like a surrender and that's good. She needs him to stay where he is... She needs more air than there is in this tiny closet, with it's dim lights and metal shelves. This room has too many edges, just looking at them feels like being stabbed in the eye. His voice interrupts her thoughts.

“Do you know where you are?”

Why is her heart trying to pound out of her chest? And why is she shaking?

She shakes her head in reply and Cassian sighs.

“What's the last thing you remember?” he asks her and she stares at him feeling her heart pound and her body quake.

The droids. The plans. The Falcon.

He watches her, but glances away for a moment to rummage in some small box.

Han Solo was on the Falcon. And a boy. The pilot was there and his name is Bodhi.

It's all there, but it doesn't quite fit together. She feels like her head is leaking.

He turns to face her fully and from where he sits, he reaches out with a green packet in his hands. He doesn't come any closer.

“Drink this, it's supposed to compensate for blood loss I think,” he says and her hands are unsteady as she takes it from him.

Her friend is named Bodhi. Her other friends are back on Tatooine.

Her hands are shaking so much she can't tear open the packet.

“Let me,” he says with that hand reaching out and the rest of him staying put. She holds it out to him and he takes it and tears off a corner in one smooth motion.

He stretches out his arm again to hand it back and this time she notices a wince as he does.

The beach, the blinding light, poking ribs that have more give than bones ought.

She takes the packet and gulps down it's contents. It's a strange almost sugary gel that slides down her throat like gelatin.

It's only then that she realizes her throat feels bone dry. There's another green packet being held out to her and she swallows it's contents. It sort of helps with the thirst and by the end of that second packet she feels like maybe she can sit up without the box. The rest of her still feels like mismatched fragments, but she's less dizzy from it now.

“Do you remember Scariff?” Cassian asks and he looks almost cautious.

She remembers the beach and the bodies. She remembers blinding light and burning but...

“No,” she says and he almost flinches.

“Or... Yes?” She groans and digs a shaky hand into her hair as she _tries_ to make sense of it all.

“I remember...things... But it's all _scrambled_ ,” she lets out another exasperated growl. She remembers her father dying on top of bodies on the beach on top of a knife in her leg... Or was it a blaster wound? Distantly she can hear Cassian let out a long breath and when she looks at him he seems almost sad... Or tired.

Nothing seems to fit into her head right, not even what her senses are telling her.

Cassian's talking again,

“... After Scariff, we went to Tatooine to get fixed up. When we realized the Death Star plans had been intercepted while Princess Leia was headed for Alderaan we decided to go there to see if we could pick up the trail. We chartered your friend Han to take you, me, and Bodhi. That boy Luke and Obi-Wan came too with their droids.”

She can see everything he's describing and hearing it in order doesn't make the events more cohesive to her mind, but she still tries to process. She remembers the boy and how young he is. She remembers Han looking at her strangely as they all crowded in the cockpit.

“Alderaan was gone and we got caught in the tractor beam. We found out the droids have the Death Star plans. You let yourself get caught as a distraction, so we could shut down the tractor beam and get out of here.”

She remembers resting a hand on the domed blue and silver durasteel of that little droid, and the empty space where a planet once resided.

“You were questioned... By Darth Vader I think. I found you with Obi-Wan and we got you out. You were drugged and bleeding. You fell unconscious and I had to wake you up with a stim. We still need to look at your leg by the way, but the tractor beam's disabled. We just need to get back to the Falcon...that's everything that's happened...if that helps,” he trails off.

He watched her as he spoke, but now he seems to have run out of steam and she thinks he looks tired.

“You need to look at my leg?” is what she says and then she looks down to see the wet, red soaked cloth tied around her thigh. Suddenly all she can smell is blood and she almost gags.

“ _Jyn_ ,” he says her name again and she's not sure either of them know why, but she focuses on him instead of the blood and that helps.

With their eyes locked he nods his head a little.

“Right, the best way to properly see to it, would be if we take off your...” he gestures to her trousers like he's asking and she nods. Shaky fingers go to fumbling at the buttons and he stays where he is as she roughly shimmies her trousers past her bleeding thigh. It throbs dully as the rough material slides over it. She tries to ignore the way there's blood drying on her skin. With that done she looks up to see he has that kit in his hand and he still hasn't moved.

“Can I...?” he asks and she nods because the blood is still sluggishly seeping out of her leg and looking at it makes her want to heave.

He moves to sit beside her with the kit in his lap. She sees that wince again as he settles into his desired space and she remembers an argument about why he had to stay behind somewhere.

He's pulling out bacta gel and bandages, remaining focused on her leg.

“I would stitch it up, but we still have to get back to the Falcon and you could tear stitches moving around on this leg...” he says almost like he's thinking aloud for her benefit. But she's remembering the sensation of ribs giving at the prod of her finger.

“You're hurt too,” she says and he glances at her. One brief glimpse of an intense storm caught between his brows.

“I'm fine,” is all he says. Terse and short as he leans down to examine the wound on her leg, probing with one careful finger at the edges of the injury.

“But you're not fine...I remember you're not,” she says and he sighs, glancing up at her with a strange tightness around the mouth.

“I'm more fine than you were 5 minutes ago.” He puts his head back down, focusing on unscrewing a jar of bacta.

“And I need a tank of this stuff. One jar won't fix me up when everything is internal. We need to get off this blasted station and then we can worry about me,” he says almost like a concession as he dips his hand in the jar and comes away with a liberal amount of the gel in his palm.

“What if you get worse? You're tired, I can... You look tired,” she can't quite explain it, but she knows somehow and he glances at her again. One quick look and away and he seems almost exasperated.

“I'm fine,” he says and he spreads the bacta over the stab wound, he spreads a little more onto the side of her thigh where she can remember a burn or something else of that nature.

Then he's bandaging her leg and she sits there twitching and fragmented.

Finally she says, “I don't think you're fine.”

“I'm better than you are right now...I'm pretty sure the only reason you're conscious is that stim,” he says dryly as he starts packing the stuff away except for another stim shot. He's squinting at the label and sighs before packing it away as well. She pulls her trousers back up and buttons them with trembling fingers.

Neither of them speak, the silence turning heavy.

Suddenly, he let's out a small, _'oh,'_ and reaches around and under the trooper armor at his neck to come up with a string worn to thread and the crystal at the end of it stings in her memory. He holds it out to her, something in his expression going softer as he says,

“You asked me to keep it safe until I could give it back to you.”

She takes it slowly, feeling it's familiar warmth in her palm. There's a prickle in her throat and her eyes burn. She remembers the cold humid air of Lah’mu when her mother put this around her neck. She remembers her mother getting shot and her father dying on a rainy platform.

She remembers the feeling of burning and a malevolent presence digging through her mind and she remembers a voice ( _his_ voice) telling her over and over again _‘It’s okay Jyn, it’s okay.’_

She clutches the crystal tight, feeling it’s edges digging into her palm. When she looks back at him all she can manage is, “Thank you.”

He's so close beside her, he must be able to see what she can't say. His eyes are keen as he nods his head in mute reply. She slips the cord over her head to let the crystal sit at the base of her throat.

It's feels like home having it back.

“We need to get you a trooper's suit before we can move. Wait here.” This time it seems like he's trying to mask the pain when he stands. He’s unsuccessful.

Jyn uses the box behind her to to brace herself as she pushes herself up to stand beside him. Her equilibrium feels off and she stumbles catching herself on a shelf while Cassian grabs her by the shoulder to help stabilize her.

“I'm going too,” she says and Cassian almost glares at her.

“No, you're not,” he says and Jyn glares back as best she can when she's twitching, and having a hard time staying upright. Her breath still comes too fast

“I think I am,” she replies and something in her look must wear him down because he sighs.

“I only have the one blaster.”

And she nods glancing around the room and it's painful edges. There's a large wrench on one of the shelves. It has a good amount of length as well as some heft. It's hard to hold when all her muscles still feel like wet noodles, but she grits her teeth and lifts it off the shelf.

“I'll make do,” she says and Cassian just sighs again, rueful and resigned. He moves to stand beside her so he can twist an arm around her waist and help her stand.

There’s a hint of an almost smile in his eyes as he looks at her and says, “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did y'all really think I was gonna be that much of a dick to make you experience their death twice??? I'm evil but that's maniacal shit right there(tho no offense to people who are good enough to write that shit well). I just like to put characters through the wringer y'know?
> 
> And again, not a doctor y'all, I just wanted Jyn on her feet and able to participate as we move on our way towards getting off the Death Star. Also I hope her brand of disorientation makes sense? Like she made herself forget things and then a sith lord decided her brain was his playground so like...She's a bit scattered.
> 
> And thank you for all the good wishes I just have a very irritating cold/cough now. (Side note I forgot to mention it last chapter but was anybody else WRECKED by Logan? I had a hard time bringing my brain back to Rogue One for a few days after seeing that fucking masterpiece)
> 
> Now enjoy this speedy update because I wasn't kidding about basically writing 2 chapters to get that last one out. Next one is going to have many moving parts so we'll see how that goes.


	25. This Will End in Flames (Cassian/Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like after making a big fuss about Cassian and Jyn leaving that stupid closet and being 'on the move' PSYCH...they're back in that closet again sorry.
> 
> thanks again Jimmy Rustled Bird for the notes and feedback ^_^

 

_You were the sun, and I was crashing into you. I’d wake up every morning and think, ‘This will end in flames.’_

_—Carry On, Rainbow Rowell_

 ---

She is doing better, all things considered. Her eyes are clearer now although she’s as jittery as a spice addict from the stim shot. And he knows that stim won’t last more than an hour and quite probably less. Because although they finally got a decent bandage on her leg, with her moving around it will only do so much good. The stim, much like whatever they injected her with before, might bleed out of her system before it fades.

And of course she refused to be left behind, he even understands that a little, but it’s only going to help them so much.

They manage to down a trooper between the two of them. Jyn has the idea actually although there is barely enough time to communicate it as a trooper’s steps grow louder with their inevitable approach. At her insistence, he helps her sit down just inside the open doorway to the supply closet. Then he tries to act like he had a reason to be standing guard there as the trooper is about to round the corner and find them. He glances at her just once to make sure she is truly cogent of what is happening. Her eyes meet his, clear and sure.

The trooper appears around that corner and keeps walking. Ignoring Cassian and continuing their steady stride. The trooper is about to pass them by she throws her arm out, with the wrench in hand, catching the trooper at the knees.

Once he trips, Cassian has a tight clean shot at his back and he takes it.

Neither of them speak now, as they drag the dead trooper back inside the closet. Cassian rips off his helmet as soon as the door slides shut behind him and they strip the dead trooper of their armor.

It’s always strange seeing the being beneath.

Neither of them discuss it, but the look in Jyn’s eyes says much the same as what he feels. And standing this close without the helmet, she can surely see his grimacing as he bends to help her get the armor on.

If she sees, she says nothing.

Clearly, she’s not much better off. All the shifting around with her bad leg is obviously causing her pain. He can see that as well and he also chooses to say nothing.

Before they leave, she digs into the med kit and comes back with the last of those little green fluid replacement packets. She gulps it down and then hands him the other stim shot.

“If I start to fade, you had better jam with me that,” she says and he shakes his head.

“Jyn, with all the drugs coming in and out of your system, plus the blood you’re still losing... I’m not sure that would be a good idea,” he says and she stares him down with that fire he’s been missing. Even trembling head to toe and breathing like she’s just run a mile, she still manages to be fierce.

“If I go down, you won’t be able to carry me and you know it, so make sure _I don’t go down._ ”

She steps away and breathes for a moment. He knows she’s breathing too hard because her heart is pumping too fast and her eyes flicker this way and that. He’s seen people on stims before and he knows what they do. But he can also guess, based on what she said earlier, that she might need a moment to gather her thoughts.

“I would rather die on... On the Falcon than on this station... If it comes to that,” she says slowly like she’s finding the right words. The honesty of it burns him, as does her acceptance of it. He has to take a minute before he can reply.

“I think it would be best if we didn’t start assuming our demise here,” he says sounding rough in his own ears. She looks away from him and leans with both hands braced on the shelf in front of her.

When she finally looks back at him, all the frayed and broken edges are there for him see as she says, “Do you really think we’re going to make it out of this alive Cassian?”

He’s honestly not sure and he swallows hard before choosing his words carefully,

“Well I hear Rebellions are built on hope.”

And she laughs at that, a little brokenly, but there’s a smile all the same. They go quiet again and he can see her thinking again.

“What about the pilot— _Bodhi_... What about Bodhi? Do you know if he’s okay?”

Cassian is forced to shake his head.

“I don’t know, but I left him with the boy and Han if that’s a comfort,” he says and Jyn laughs again, in one short burst that comes out sounding hollow.

“You left him with _Han?_ That’s really not a comfort at all,” she says and he almost laughs too.

“I know, I’m sorry," he says with a sigh, "I had very few options at the time.”

She cuts him a hard look, still full of jagged edges.

“Don’t be sorry,” she says and now it’s his turn to look away. When he looks back the edges are gone and he knows that just means they’ve been tamped down. She was trained after all and he’s seeing it now.

Training can teach you to repress the things that can be dealt with later, or to compartmentalize. Either way, he knows she’s present enough for now. He checks the seal on the stim shot before tucking it away and reaching for his helmet.

“Come on,” he says, “Let’s get a move on while that stim lasts. She nods and pushes her helmet on. Without further ado they step out into the bright and sterile halls.

As soon as they do, Jyn steps away leaving his hand empty and outstretched. She says in a low voice, “Stormtroopers do not help their wounded, they leave them for dead.”

And of course she’s right, but he can see in her posture that she must be in pain. She moves slowly, forcing her back to straighten and walks with one hand resting against the wall for support. Even in the armor he can see her quaking, she won’t stand up to any kind of close scrutiny, but he’s almost certain they’re close to the hangar.

They walk for a time in silence. The first trooper that passes has them both holding their breath. The trooper keeps moving and they both exhale in relief.

The quiet and the slow pace make it harder to ignore his own pains. It’s only getting worse, it feels like his body is starting to crack under the strain, but they’re close now. He only has a little farther to go and as painful as the armor is, it might save his life if they end up in a proper firefight.

They just have to keep moving as Jyn breathes raggedly beside him.

\---

Bodhi isn’t really sure what they’re doing at this point. In one second Han is shouting at him and his brain is just shutting down, then he’s getting hugged by a wookiee, and now they’re running again. Everything is happening too quickly for him to process, he’s just blindly following Han and Chewie because they seem to know where they’re going.

Although from what little he knows of the Millennium Falcon’s pilot, that could just be pure bluster. With troopers cutting them off several times they’ve had to double back, but Han’s still running leaving them to follow.

(When he followed Han in the first place, he just assumed the others were behind him. It seemed like a terrible idea to split up the group again. Perhaps he should have said that aloud...)

They turn a corner and hit a dead end with a locked door and troopers are surely close behind.

“Is t-this the right way?” Bodhi asks and beside him Chewie howls in what could be annoyance or alarm he isn’t sure.

“Of course it is,” Han snaps at him walking a small circle in front of the door. He points his blaster at the opening mechanism and again Bodhi is forced to throw himself in front of the man and his gun.

“ _Stop!_ If y-you blast the mechanism, the door m-might be fused shut,” he exclaims and Han looks so annoyed Bodhi worries he might start yelling again. Chewie growls something that makes him look away from Bodhi.

“I’m almost positive the hangar is on the other side of that door,” he says sounding frustrated, but probably honest.

“I c-can open it,” Bodhi tells him and that might be less than honest of him since he’s only about 75% sure he can actually do it. Han just steps aside and gestures him forward and Bodhi grabs out the small knife he keeps in his boot to pry open the panel. He’s been keeping it in his boot for years, more for situations like this when he needs to do a rough patch or splice and he doesn’t have time or tools around. He’d had it since the academy and it was never regulation, but it saved his hide more than a few times. Finding the right direction and digging the point between the panels feels just like the old days. It pops off quickly enough and he catches the small durasteel square before it clatters to the ground.

After that it’s just about knowing which wire to cut and there’s noise and alarms and he just has to focus as he digs into the mess of wires and mechanical connective tissue.

He finds the wire that he’s almost sure is right and cuts it. He gets a little shock for his trouble, but he expected it and so he keeps working.

“Hey kid,” Han says behind him and Bodhi think the man needs to find a new nickname for people. He also ignores him, he’s stripping another wire and he needs to _focus._

They don’t have much time so the alarms, the shouting, the blasters, and all the rest have to be background noise.

Distantly he thinks that this reminds him a little of Scariff.

Hopefully it ends better than Scariff did.

“Kid,” Han says again and Bodhi can’t respond and he’s getting ready to press to live wires together and hopefully not electrocute himself. The noise is getting louder though.

“ _Kid,_ aw hell...”

Suddenly there’s a hand on his shoulder shoving him to the ground and a shout above him as Han places himself where Bodhi was standing. The troopers have caught up with them.

Bodhi jumps to his feet and squeezes behind Han to clumsily pull at the wires and press them together. A little shock runs up his arms and the door opens. He darts through the open doorway to press against the wall while Han and Chewie dodge in after him, still shooting at the troopers behind them.

“Han,” Bodhi calls from where he’s plastered against the wall,

“ _Shoot the controls!_ ”

Han glares at him hard enough to peel paint. He also doesn’t warn Bodhi before shooting the controls, which were far too close to where the pilot is standing. Bodhi jumps away from the sparking panel as the doors slide closed and leave them all a moment to breathe.

“Damn it kid, I just got blasted thanks to you,” Han says with a breathless grimace and that’s when Bodhi notices the smell of burnt flesh, and the smoking hole in the left shoulder of Han’s shirt.

“Oh _kriff_ ,” Bodhi mutters, “You pushed me o-out of the w-way?”

Han makes a face as he gently prods at his shoulder and comes back with a wince.

“Yeah and look where it got me,” he says and Chewie barks out something that has Han going, “Yeah, yeah I know.”

Bodhi really wishes he spoke wookiee. He also kind of wants to say ‘thank you.’

“Sorry,” is what he mumbles instead.

Chewie says something else looking right at him and he’s not sure what it means, but Han just sighs and gives him a little shove.

“Come on, we should be almost there.”

They turn a few corners and have to stop and press against the wall to stay hidden.

They finally reached the hangar.

The Falcon is there, just down one final hallway, and it’s surrounded by troopers.

“Didn’t we just leave this party,” Han mutters under his breath.

There’s the sound of approaching footsteps and Bodhi is ready to panic again when he turns to see Luke and Leia running towards them. He wants to ask a million questions and instead Han asks, “What took you so long?” sounding remarkably unsurprised by their arrival.

“We ran into a few _friends,_ ” Leia says and that’s when Bodhi sees C-3PO and R2-D2 huddling in a small nook across the way. C-3PO waves a golden arm in a silent greeting and Bodhi waves back.

“How are we going to get back to the ship?” Leia asks softly and there’s more clattering footsteps coming. Bodhi turns first at the sound, a fearful hand flying out and grabbing Luke by the arm.

“Oh _kriff_ ,” the farmboy murmurs and that’s when the rest of them turn to see two troopers are advancing on them.

Han growls somewhere behind Bodhi, “Princess, it looks like you brought your friends with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a term called 'shoe leather.' It's a TV term for characters getting from Point A to Point B and its kinda boring and mechanical and thank you Michael Shanks in a Stargate SG-1 commentary for defining the term and then going "shoe leather shoe leather shoe leatherrr," as your character walked down a hallway. So this was a shoe leather chapter of things that needed to happen to get to the part with the thing and the other thing you know???  
> I'm mostly almost kinda over my cold maybe...its very late idk what to say enjoy all the fucking walking.


	26. We Rise and We Fall (Jyn/Bodhi/Obi-Wan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So low key um...this chapter has no chill? Sorry???
> 
> Thanks to Jimmy-Rustled-Bird for your help and feedback.

 

 _Death doesn’t discriminate_  
_Between the sinners_  
_And the saints_  
_It takes and it takes and it takes_  
_And we keep living anyway_  
_We rise and we fall_  
_And we break_  
_And we make our mistakes_  
  
_—Wait for it, Lin Manuel Miranda_

_\---_

She knew it would hurt.

If she knew nothing else, she knew it was going to hurt.

It was important to not draw attention and that meant standing on her own two feet and moving, so she did. With every muscle in her body trembling and her heart pounding out a hole through her ribcage she walked. The helmet was choking her and no matter how hard she tried, she could not get enough air. She tried taking deep breaths but it did nothing to ease that sensation in her lungs.

She could feel the bandage on her leg slowly grow damp. She could feel when the warm wetness started to drip down her leg and she could hardly stand it.

And still she kept moving.

For his part, Cassian barely spoke. She had no way to gauge how he was doing except for his own increasingly ragged breaths matching her own. He said his damage was internal and she thinks his ribs were broken and she thinks that he dragged her half conscious through the Death Star and she thinks he must be so tired.

\---

Her focus is narrowed to putting one foot in front of the other when more alarms start blaring and suddenly Cassian pulls at her arm. She looks up and through the gray of the trooper’s visor, she sees the farm boy. She sees _Luke_ , and he’s with a girl. Her hair is pulled up into tight knots and she’s dressed all in white like a ghost.

Jyn looks at Cassian and through the helmet, he nods at her.

They follow the pair just as they are slipping out of sight. They catch them at the end of a hall right as the two turn a corner and disappear.

There is nothing left for Jyn and Cassian except to try to keep up.

When they come round that same corner they find them.

_All of them._

For a moment, Jyn can’t feel the pain in her leg and she forgets that she can’t breathe. It still doesn’t all make sense, but Bodhi’s standing _right there_. Han is there and Chewie too. Standing alongside the boy and a girl she doesn’t know.

It feels like letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding to see them all safe and whole.

She takes a few steps towards them before one by one they all look at her.

It feels almost like a nightmare.

Bodhi’s eyes go wide with fear, his hands fly out and grab at the boy’s arm. He sees her too and gasps. Han growls something she can’t make out and yanks out his blaster.

He’s aiming it right at them and there’s a bloody hole in his shoulder.

It feels like something _he_ would have made her see.

Of all people, it’s the farm boy who holds out a hand and whispers, “ _No wait,_ ” as Cassian puts a hand on Jyn’s arm and taps the helmet she somehow forgot about. She pulls it off and then there is some color in the world again, hues of blues and browns and grays that had gotten lost beneath that deadening visor. And there’s a little more air in her lungs. Not a lot, but some.

She hears the exhales like a gust of wind and one soft murmur of, _“Jyn.”_

And abruptly she’s got an armful of pilot. Bodhi hugs her and mumbles something she can’t quite make out, but it sounds like _“You’re okay.”_

And she’s still processing what she’s supposed to do in response when Cassian taps Bodhi on the shoulder. He steps away from Jyn looking suddenly uncertain and Cassian shakes his head. There is too much communication happening without words and she’s still remembering when her father hugged her and said goodbye and trying to remember what she did then.

Bodhi is looking at her again and there’s something different in his face now. A sadness... Or maybe _recognition._

He steps away and smiles small at Cassian but it comes out a little mangled.

She’s not sure what just happened, but Han is coming over.

“You look like shit kid,” Han says and the girl approaches them with sharp eyes and her mouth in a thin line. She looks at Jyn with something like consideration before turning to Cassian, who straightens beneath her gaze.

“Captain Andor, it’s good to see you well.”

“Yes ma’am,” Cassian replies and the formality of it sets Jyn’s teeth on edge. Something in her mind fragments remembering dead soldiers and a man who brought a device that injected her with poison.

“Does the Alliance know we’re here?”

“No ma’am, we came to Alderaan to try and find traces of your ship and the plans. We were caught in a tractor beam.”

At that the girl’s eyes look away, going wide. She whirls on the farm boy and Han.

“Where is my R2 unit?” she demands and the fragments click together, ill-fitting but suddenly Jyn understands as Luke points out into the hangar. Jyn limps beside the princess (Princess _Leia_ ) and they can see the golden droid and the little domed one. They are indeed huddled in a small nook by a panel and the gold droid appears to be trying to look like they have a reason to be there. When the gold one sees princess Leia he bends his upper half in some strange approximation of a bow or a nod. Leia dips her chin in reply and they step back.

Han is right behind them and he speaks low and fast sounding petulant and frustrated.

“Look, I’m loving this little reunion, but we need to _go_.”

Princess Leia looks up at him with an irritated disdain and something else. Her eyes flick over him and linger on his shoulder as she says,

“How do you propose we do that when the room is full of storm troopers.” And indeed, there are at least 15 or 20 of them stationed around the Falcon.

At least there are until they all go running, like the Force itself is finally listening to their wishes.They can all hear the echoing sounds of a clashing fight and the troopers are running towards that fight leaving the Falcon wide open.

There’s no time and Han whispers,

“Now’s our chance.”

This is the point where something must inevitably go wrong because something always does. Suns eat horizons and come burning for them and beaches are covered in bodies and something always, _always_ goes wrong.

The troopers are all watching an old man in a brown robe, he stands illuminated by nothing other than a glowing sword made of light. A _lightsaber,_ she remembers for the moment. And she remembers when the old man looked her in the eye and said she would be alright and she _believed it._ And she remembers saying goodbye and it felt too much like parting words. It felt like death was just around the corner and the old man faces death itself.

She saw him last as a smeared black wraith made of nightmares and she fragments still further. All the hard frayed edges pointing out and cutting into her mind at the sight of _him._

There’s a hand on her arm, pulling her forward and she moves almost blind to what’s in front of her. It hardly matters when she can’t tear her eyes away from the old man and the dark figure facing him like a mirror image. Complete with a lightsaber that glows red in opposition to the old man’s green.

She doesn’t know what makes one of the troopers look away from the fight and back at them. Is it the sound of their shoes hitting the shiny polished floors or just some soldier’s intuition? Whatever it is, one of them looks back and yells, “ _Stop._ ”

And then everything goes to shit.

The air is filled with laserfire and the arm pulling her is still pulling, but she’s trembling and she takes a wrong step on her bad leg and it gives way. She stumbles to the ground and suddenly there is a trooper standing over her and Cassian’s there trying to fight while she gasps for breath.

She can hear the crackling thunderclaps of another fight nearby and the trooper knocks Cassian’s blaster aside easily. Cassian tries to do the same with his to no avail. They move away from Jyn with their struggles as he tries to stand his ground with that familiar stormcloud look. He has both hands on the troopers blaster trying to pull it from their grip.

But Jyn remembers the ragged breath and the exhaustion in his eyes, and the fragments are screaming for her to move, and she can’t move fast enough. The trooper yanks the blaster from his hold and brings the butt of it down against the chestplate of Cassian’s armor _hard._ It sends him crashing down, his head bouncing off the smooth black floor and she swears she can hear something crack like a shot as he hits the ground.

The others are firing their blasters back and forth with the troopers and there is shouting and Cassian _does not get up._

Adrenaline hits harder than a stim, it lands like a kick in the head, and she is on her feet and running towards them. She can’t even scream, her vocal cords are strung too tight, but she lets out a cry as she races for them. The trooper is aiming his blaster and she forgot hers somewhere and she forgot how to use one, she can’t even think, she just _moves._

There’s shouting behind her that sounds like her name and the trooper has his finger on the trigger and _she does not think_. She throws herself down over Cassian, using her body like a shield. She remembers somebody doing that once and she can’t remember when or where. But there’s someone screaming in her ears and she closes her eyes and braces herself for whatever comes next.

\---

Bodhi kept telling himself that this was different from Scariff, he told himself that over and over again because he kept wishing for it to be true but it’s not.

The way Jyn’s shaking and twitching, he can see the confusion and the disorientation and he feels his stomach drop. The look on Cassian’s face confirms it.

Maybe the methods were different, but for all the training she spoke of the end result looks much the same to him, and it hurts him to see that look in someone else.

Then the troopers cleared out from around the ship and they made a run for it. The droids came out from their little nook to meet them on the ramp to the ship and the pair were halfway up the ramp before the rest of them even reached it.

He thinks it was the clacking sound of the trooper armor Jyn and Cassian were still wearing that drew their attention. He sees the one that turns and yells stop, and there is a fight happening beyond the troopers that looks like lightsabers when the room dissolves into blaster fire. He doesn’t have a weapon so he keeps running until he turns and sees Jyn fall. Cassian stands over her when a trooper runs right for them and Bodhi sees him try to fight.

Luke is firing a blaster at the troopers beside him, Leia and Han are on the platform doing the same and Bodhi stands transfixed.

He’s seen Cassian fight before, his movements crisp and sharp, and this is Cassian worn to a thread. There’s no strength to it and the trooper pushes him past Jyn and they overpower him easily while Bodhi stands rooted in place.

It feels like the ground beneath him is giving way when Cassian goes down and stays down.

He looks away for a moment and sees... It’s the old man, Luke’s friend Obi-Wan wielding a lightsaber against...  _Darth Vader._

It’s unmistakably him and Bodhi's mind stutters to a halt and he turns around again at the sound of a feral cry, Jyn’s on her feet running towards the trooper and Cassian, but she doesn’t fight.

Jyn just throws herself down over Cassian as the trooper aims his weapon and Bodhi doesn’t think about moving. He doesn’t think at all.

He practically flies across the room before he realizes he has nothing to fight with and no idea how. He lands between the trooper and his friends and the trooper pulls the trigger.

A pure reflex throws his left arm up as a meager shield of flesh and bone. The bolt from the blaster destroys it. The shot shatters the skin and bones of his forearm and the remnants of the bolt fly past his head singeing his scalp.

He cries out, his body curling over to hold his mangled arm protectively to his chest. Everything is too loud and he looks up to see the blaster aiming right between his eyes.

And then a voice beside them speaks,

“ _Hey,_ ” Han Solo says managing to sound casual and fierce as he blasts the trooper dead. Then he turns to all of them with a look Bodhi can’t quite decipher.

“Come on,” he says and Leia and Luke are laying down cover fire by the platform. They’re only a few feet away, Chewie is right beside Han. The wookiee kneels down with Jyn and Cassian.

Cassian’s eyes are open now and he’s saying something Bodhi can’t hear. He can hear Jyn’s plea of,

“ _Be careful,_ ” as the wookiee lifts Cassian off the ground in his arms. When Chewie stands, Jyn grips his arm for support as she struggles to her feet. Then they move for the platform and somehow they move faster than he would have thought possible. Han speaks in his ear.

“Come on kid,” and a hand on his good arm is pulling him towards the ship when Luke screams,

“ _NO!”_

And they start running as Luke is shouting and firing on the troopers with a renewed desperation. They keep running, but Bodhi follows Luke’s gaze over to the fight.

The old man is gone now and Vader stands alone with his lightsaber still lit in a bloody glowing red. There is a crumbled, empty brown robe at his feet and he steps on it.

Luke is still shooting at the troopers, his cry echoing in Bodhi’s ears as they reach the ramp. Han says something about taking off and Bodhi breaks out of his hold. The smuggler glances at him once and keeps running to jam a button at the end of the ramp.

It begins to lift beneath them but Luke keeps on shooting and Leia stops to pull at him, but he shakes her off. She turns and races up the ramp, past Bodhi with eyes that shine from tears unshed.

Bodhi moves forward still clutching his bad arm to his chest, and tries not to fall as the ramp lifts and moves and the durasteel of the Falcon looms closer, ready to crush them against its hull.

With his good arm he reaches out and grabs Luke’s hand. The one that isn’t holding the blaster. He pulls and Luke keeps firing, but he relents and lets himself get pulled up the ramp. They have to bend to avoid cracking their heads against the hull to get inside the ship. As the door seals shut, the last thing Bodhi sees of the Death Star is Darth Vader staring right at them.

\---

The captain was right when he accused Obi-Wan of hiding. It made sense to hide for a time after everything that had happened. The death of all Jedi made it wise for him to remain unseen... At least for awhile. But then he stayed where he was. Hidden and reclused away from the world where nobody bothered him and he allowed himself to languish there.

He knew what was going on outside of his hole in this world and he ignored it. The Force had gone quiet with the death of the Jedi and the rise of the Empire. He could not bring himself to face the immensity of what he had helped create, even as Anakin became Vader and continued on his path of destruction and obliteration. He felt the lives that blinked out all over the galaxy by the dark lord’s hand and he just shut himself off from it and let it happen.

That is until the Force decided enough was enough and delivered the boy to his very doorstep.

The Force, it seems, was ready to speak with him again and it brought him to the boy that had grown from the infant he left with the Lars family all those years ago.

Obi-Wan regretted most of the decisions in his life, but he regretted almost nothing about the boy. He wished there had been time to teach him more, to gently learn him towards the harsher truths of war, the Empire, and his own history. But there was no time and he is sending this boy out into the galaxy untested.

It could not be helped. Even as his mistakes led to the boy’s pain and the pain of his friends.

That girl came onto the Millennium Falcon full of fire and shaped by the Empire as much as any stormtrooper. Even now, after Vader has mangled her as much as he was able, he can see that fire still burning bright.

The captain is much the same, even if he fought for the Rebellion alongside the young Princess Leia. He too is shaped by loss. Their lives are formed from pain and it’s a pain he helped bring into the world because he was too blind to see his friend becoming an enemy.

He faces the man now, or what’s left of him, and he has so many regrets.

But he does not regret this.

Even as the children ready themselves to fight their way back to their ship, he is able to provide a small distraction to ease their way. Vader speaks to him with power and certainty, but Obi-Wan can feel the fear beneath as they clash, crossing sabers for the first time since that fateful day of fire and death.

When he speaks to Vader he means what he says,

“If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

And he knows it to be true because the Force spoke to him about that boy and it speaks to him now. He looks over one last time to see the boy staring at him in horror, but he is surrounded by friends and family, even if he doesn’t know it yet. That will be enough.

When he closes his eyes and holds the lightsaber to his chest, there is a small sense of relief.

Of letting go.

 _Yes,_ he thinks and the spirits of the dead are with him. He can feel them surround him like an embrace.

_It’s time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So um...that was sad and stressful like boy howdy some DRAMA amirite? Um...sorry...I've been IM'ing my beta for the last week like...I have an idea...it's mean...most of that went into this chapter...um...*thumbs up*  
> IRL in the I hate my body chronicles I'm like 90% over my cold except for the most GOD DAMN ANNOYING COUGH EVER(I get these on the regular so its just annoying) is there for a word thats like chainsmoking but for consuming too many cough drops in a row? Welcome to my life.


	27. Collapsing Into Yourself Every Night (Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Jimmy Rustled Bird for powering through school related fatigue to beta this chapter

 

_Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night.  
_ _That is how galaxies are made._

_—Tyler Kent White_

\--- 

He was only stunned when he hit the ground. Stunned and tired and feeling the weight of this white armor that he couldn’t stand. And he’s pretty sure at least one of his ribs broke when he hit the ground. He was utterly spent, he wasn’t getting back up...

But he was still conscious enough to see everything that happened.

Jyn.

Using herself as a human shield.

Maybe he almost did the same not so long ago, but the circumstances were _different_.

When she threw herself between him and the trooper he tried to call her name, or maybe he shouted it, and the only thing did she did was curl herself tighter around him.

And then Bodhi was there with no weapon or way of defending himself. He watched the shot from the blaster _shatter his arm._

They are all very fortunate that Han Solo was paying enough attention to save their collective asses and he’s not too comfortable with that thought.

The wookiee came with him and picked Cassian up off the floor with a gentleness that was surprising.

“I can walk,” he muttered and the smuggler was close enough to hear him and call over,

“No you can’t,” as the wookiee carried him onto the ship.

Jyn was with them, hanging onto the wookiee’s arm for support and he wanted to tell them that she should be the one getting carried. She should be the one resting and not throwing herself in the line of fire. His legs work just _fine._

(He is going to have a talk with Bodhi _later._ When things are settled, he is going to teach him some very necessary skills he seems to lack)

He heard the boy’s cry and craned his head in time to see Darth Vader swing a lightsaber _through_ Obi-Wan and he seemed to vanish into the air. That was the only glimpse he got before the three of them stepped onto the Falcon and it made his stomach clench.

He knew it could have been a goodbye when they parted ways, but still.

Once they are on the ship, the wookiee lays him on the floor as gently as he lifted him. Then he goes racing after Han towards the cockpit, leaving the pair of them to catch their breath. They are both gasping like they’ve just run a marathon. And Jyn’s still shaking.

She’s staring at the ground next to him, refusing to meet his eyes.

“Hey,” he murmurs to her softly as Leia, Bodhi, and Luke step into the room. The clank of the ramp closing behind them is audible, even when they are farther inside the ship.

The Falcon shudders to life beneath them and Cassian looks at Bodhi. He’s trembling and pale, his arm is a mess, and he’s holding it to his chest. He collapses to sitting on the floor in the far corner of the room. The R2 unit rolls up beside him and beeps inquisitively, closely followed by the gold interpreter droid who seems to be making some kind of conversation. Bodhi pats the little droid with his good hand and says something Cassian can’t hear over the hum of the engines.

He needs that arm seen to and Cassian remembers they still have the kit from the doctor on Tatooine. He's also too tired to do more than lie on the ground.

Leia kneels down beside him and Jyn.

“Captain, you’re injured?” she asks and the question sounds small in a way that makes him remember she’s only a teenager. The same age as the farmboy who is currently sitting on one of the benches looking unspeakably sad.

“I may have re-broken a rib or two ma’am,” he says and she raises her brows at ‘re-broken.’ Her eyes dart between Jyn and himself and he’s sure she is drawing conclusions, but he has greater concerns at the moment.

“Ma’am, there should be a well stocked med kit located in the 2nd room down the hall, it was used as storage for our things. Our pilot... Bodhi Rook is severely injured and...” She follows his gaze to where Bodhi is curled up in the corner, clutching his bloody arm.

That’s when alarms start blaring from the cockpit and they both turn to stare at the hallway that leads there. Leia looks back at him with that set expression that he remembers seeing on the few missions he worked in proximity with her.

“I’ll take care of it,” she says and rises to her feet.

“If you would, please bring over whatever is left in the kit when Bodhi’s been taken care of. Jyn was stabbed in the leg, we might need to refresh those bandages,” he says and Jyn twitches at the sound of her name, but doesn’t look up. Leia glances between the two of them again before simply nodding and heading down the hall he pointed towards.

With the two of them mostly alone again he looks over at her.

“Jyn,”he says and she twitches again, her eyes flicking to him once and away. Her hair is still sweat plastered to her head from wearing the stormtrooper helmet before. They are both covered in blood, grime, and sweat beneath the trooper armor.

“Why don’t we get this armor off?” he asks her as a gentle suggestion.

“I know we would both breathe better without it,” he adds and she still won’t meet his eyes but she nods. The blasted helmets were left on the Death Star, but they are still saddled with the rest. She reaches around and fumbles at the ties of her own armor first getting the arm and chest pieces off quickly. She shakes off the gauntlets and gloves with a little more sharpness than is maybe required. Cassian watches her and doesn’t say a word.

She moves to untie lower portions of the armor a little slower, being careful with her bad leg as she gets it all off. Once she’s clear of it she takes a deep, shaky breath. He can see the patch of red through the small hole in the leg of her trousers. He still can’t tell how bad the bleeding is on that black fabric but the bandage looks soaked through. The rest of her shakes like a leaf and it only worsens when she leans over to help him with his armor. He doesn’t speak, or move as she struggles with the ties and she still won’t meet his eyes as she leans over him.

He can see Leia brought Bodhi over to Luke before she ran to the cockpit to investigate the alarms. Luke seems to be bandaging up Bodhi competently enough so at least that’s handled.

They all jump when the Falcon bobbles from the force of laser fire hitting it. They can hear the sound of it impacting against the shield and Jyn startles so hard she nearly drops the shoulder piece she just got off him.

He can tell she’s trying to be careful with him, especially once she gets to the chest plate. He doesn’t make a sound when she puts her hands on him to try and gently pull the damned armor plating off. But, he can’t hide a small hiss when she tries to slide back plate out from underneath him. She hesitates before moving on to the lower half of the armor. The shaking in her hands looks like it’s getting worse. She got the calf piece of one leg off but it looks like the ties on the other leg are giving her too much trouble. He takes an audible breath and says,

“Jyn, it’s fine... Thanks.”

She twitches again.

“Don’t thank me,” she mutters dropping her hands back to her sides. He looks at her now and the angle of it is awkward with him still lying flat on the ground.

“Jyn...” he says softly and she shakes her head, her lips trembling.

“No...I...” she sits on her heels and she’s still breathing too fast and too shallow.

“When you hit the ground I—” she breaks off shaking her head.

“And you... You _dragged_ my sorry ass all over the Death Star and you were hurt... You _are_ hurt and I...”

“Jyn...” he trails off and she keeps shaking her head.

“What? Are you going to tell me it’s fine? Or that you’re fine?” She asks with a hollow laugh.  “It’s not _fine_ and I...when he...I can’t...” She leans forward to harshly dig her hands into her hair and she’s practically hyperventilating. He reaches out to try and...

He’s not really sure and his hand hangs in the air between them. He’s not sure what to do... He only knows what he had wished for in moments like these.

He only knows what he’s seen people do to comfort their friends when everything becomes overwhelming.

He breathes out like a sigh before he tries to sit up. It hurts exactly as much as he thought it would. He groans as he uses his arms to leverage himself upright. She flinches at the sound and he bites his lip and adjusts as best he can so that his back is against the wall. Half in armor and half out with a pile of it just beside them.

“Jyn,” he says and she twitches, but she doesn’t look up. Her hands are fisted in her hair so tight, he’s sure it must be pulling at the roots.

“Jyn...would you look at me?” he whispers and she slowly uncurls her fists from her hair and looks up at him with eyes that are wet and red rimmed. They stand out brightly against the bruises coloring the skin around her right eye. He nods in reply.

“Okay...” he mutters half to himself and half to her as he looks away to stare around the room like the walls might contain solutions for them. He wonders how other people do this so easily. He wants to do and say all the right things to make this easier for _her_.

Unfortunately, kindness was never his skill set... The only thing he has is instinct and the notion of what better people might do in his place.

“Jyn... Come ‘ere,” he murmurs, “Please...” and he holds an arm out, tilting his head to the side. He’s not sure if this is right, he hopes that it is.

She stares at him for a long moment before moving. Her bad leg forcing her to stay on the ground, as she awkwardly crawls over to sit beside him.

It feels like puzzle pieces that fit when she lets his arm rest around her shoulders. Even more so when she slowly and carefully leans her head on his shoulder (like she’s worried about hurting him). When he turns to speak, the words are whispers in her hair.

“Jyn, we got the plans... _We did it._ ” And she’s still shaking her head and breathing too fast. He wants to say it will be ‘okay,’ but they are both too realistic for that. He just holds her a little tighter and keeps talking.

“This was your plan and it _worked._ We got out and we’re alive... Just rest now okay?” She stops shaking her head to stare up at him. He’s not sure what she sees, but after a minute she looks away and goes back to resting her head on her shoulder, one hand wrapped tightly around his arm.

He takes a deep breath and he can feel her eyes on him again as she follows suit.

“That’s great, just breathe... We can deal with the rest later. Right now, just breathe.”

And she does.

Eventually the shaking begins to ease and her breathing evens out. Which means either he is helping her calm down or the stim is wearing off, he’s not sure.

Eventually she falls asleep.

The alarms stopped at some point during this ordeal and the ship’s flight smoothed out in what must be hyper speed.

Leia comes in and stares at the two of them with something like appraisal. He simply meets her gaze and doesn’t blink leaving her to turn away first. She fetches the med kit from Luke and kneels beside them with it.

“Do you still need this?” she asks and he leans over with a wince to press a gentle hand on the stab wound in her leg. His palm comes away with only a few small drops of blood. Now that she’s finally off her leg, the injury might clot properly. To Leia he says,

“It can wait until she wakes up,” and Leia nods and pushes herself to her feet. She stares down at them with a thoughtful expression.

“What will happen if the plans don’t reveal any flaws we can exploit?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” he replies truthfully. He’s thought about this a dozen times. Scariff was a defeat and he would have let the half-hope of the plans die alongside all the bodies on that beach but... Jyn wouldn’t. She would have gone after the plans with or without him and he doesn’t regret coming with her. But there is a high probability that they will be facing some mutiny charges on their return. Him especially, but Jyn and Bodhi both _technically_ accepted military commissions with the Rebellion before Scariff and therefore be punished according to their rules... If this whole mission comes up with nothing and the plans are a bust than it could be much worse.

The Rebellion likes results.

“What will _she_ do if there’s nothing?” Leia asks and Cassian holds her a little tighter at the thought.

“I don’t know.”

He truly doesn’t know. He’s imagined the probabilities (it makes him miss K-2 dearly but there is nothing to be done for that) and the one thing he cannot imagine is what her reaction would be if Galen Erso was wrong or he lied and it was all for nothing.

Leia nods a little.

“Well you have time, I suggest you think on that. Somebody once taught me it was wise to plan for worst case scenarios,” she says and she smiles a little bit. He tries to smile back remembering when she was 14 and he sternly told her that before one of her first missions in the field.

A lot has changed since then.

She looks them both over one final time before rising to her feet and taking the kit with her as she heads back towards the cockpit.

He glances over to find Bodhi has fallen asleep at that table, half leaned against Luke who is looking sort of startled and helpless(and like he is trying very hard to remain completely still).

Cassian sighs a little. He’s tired enough to take this time to rest and Jyn is warm against his side.

Neither of them are okay, strictly speaking. But they did what they set out to do and survived. For right now, it’s enough.

He shuts his eyes and lets himself _rest._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE THIS HURT/COMFORT MAKES ALL THAT SAD WORTH IT AND THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM. I already have a Luke POV chapter written (YOU HEARD ME RIGHT HE'S SAD ENOUGH NOW I CAN WRITE HIM) and then a Leia POV after that. The unofficial title of this chapter was JYN GETS A FUCKING NAP.
> 
> Also on a general note, this fic has been getting an amazing amount of responses from people, in general I tend to be an under the radar fic writer and this is nowhere near The Big Fics or anything but it's my biggest fic ever and I have several people who are telling me they imagine this as Rogue One's canonical sequel which is the sweetest fucking thing ever y'all are great


	28. That Light is Loaned (Luke)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jimmy Rustled Bird for the notes and the help with this pronoun vs proper noun hell that happens whenever two people of the same gender have a convo.

 

 _But inasmuch as that light is loaned,_  
_and, insofar as we’ve borrowed bones,_  
_must every debt now be repaid_  
_in star-spotted, sickle-winged night raids,_  
_while we sing to the garden, and we sing to the stars,_  
_and we sing in the meantime,_  
wherever you are?  
_  
_ _—Anecdotes, Joanna Newsom_

 ---

He hasn’t forgotten what it felt like to find the burnt out husks of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru lying the sand. Left for the scavengers like so much garbage.

It was only a day ago... Two at most...

So much has happened since then, it feels like the passing of a lifetime. But the pain is still fresh.

Whenever there is quiet and calm and a moment to rest, he closes his eyes and he sees them. He sees their bodies and what pains him is that, _that_ is what sticks. Not the years he spent under their roof. The hours spent on the moisture farm, listening to Aunt Beru singing to pass the time. She had a beautiful voice. The times Uncle Owen spent teaching him about anything made from durasteel and bolts. Everything he knows, they taught him, but he can’t seem to summon an image of Aunt Beru’s smile, or remember Uncle Owen’s embrace.

All he can see is their bodies.

It’s not something he talked to Ben about... It’s not like there’s been much time...

But having Ben there made it easier. Truly he hardly knew him for that long, but there was a bond still. Biggs always said he trusted too easily, but Ben _knew_ his father. That meant something to the boy, who had been hanging onto the few meager scraps of information Uncle Owen had given him over the years. And Ben had been his friend. Ben was there when he died.

It meant something.

And there was a kindness in the way he taught.

Uncle Owen was a decent man, but he was not the best teacher. When Luke didn’t understand something he would often get frustrated and abandon a point completely. Only the next day would they be able to return to a lesson with cooler heads.

Ben was different... Steady. There was no judgment when Luke did something wrong (and it felt like he was doing something wrong _constantly_ ).

He only knew the man for maybe two days, but Ben was the one piece of home he had been able to take with him and now Ben is _gone_.

He has no idea why Ben didn’t fight back, he saw him pull the lightsaber to his chest... Like he was bracing for it. And the red of Darth Vader’s saber passed straight through and he was _gone._

Just a pile of empty robes on the ground and Luke didn’t understand.

The only thing he knows for certain is that he knows very little at all.

\---

He saw enough of what happened in the hangar... Not all of it, but enough. It was so chaotic he was just trying not to get shot, but one moment they are all together, and the next he looks over to see Jyn and Cassian on the ground with Bodhi cradling a bloody arm to his chest and Han standing over all of them with Chewie.

And then Ben... He doesn’t remember much beyond a furious helplessness that made him want to just keep shooting. He wanted to kill every trooper in that room and that scares him. It was Bodhi beside him with that piercing fearful look that disrupted his thoughts enough to regain his senses. It was Bodhi, gently tugging at Luke’s hand.

He kept firing, because it might help them not get hit again, but he relented and let Bodhi pull him inside the ship.

Now he is sitting at one of those tables, resting his elbows on the shiny plasteel, and trying to wrap his mind around yet another piece of his life being ripped apart. In one corner of the room, Jyn and Cassian are hunched together with Cassian laid out on the floor and Jyn sitting beside him looking very shaken. In the other corner, Bodhi is half asleep with that arm curled to his chest and R2 is beeping worried sounds at him. He sees all of this, but he can’t make the leap to what should be done about it.

Alarms from the cockpit are blaring throughout the ship, but he can’t bring himself to care about that right now.

And then Leia is in front of him with a med kit in hand.

“Luke... Listen, I’m really sorry about Ben,” she says and her expression is tight.

“I just can’t believe he’s gone,” he murmurs and she nods her head.

“Listen, I am sorry for your loss, but right now I need you to fix him up,” she points to Bodhi, “Before he bleeds out so I can check on what’s happening to the ship right now.”

As if to prove their point the Falcon shudders with the sounds of blaster fire.

And Luke looks again at Bodhi with a drop in his stomach. What was he _thinking_ just sitting here this whole time?

He nods at Leia and she leaves the kit and goes over to Bodhi.

Luke can’t hear what she’s saying to him as she helps leverage him to his feet. The man is easily taller than her by a foot, and all awkward gangly limbs, but somehow Leia is able to get him up and moving.

R2 follows close behind, still bleeping concern in binary, Bodhi lets his good hand rest on R2’s domed top and pats them twice. Luke has no idea why the droid has taken such a shine to the man, but it makes him smile a little as Bodhi melts into the seat beside him.

Leia gives him a final pointed look before she goes running for the cockpit leaving the two of them. Up close Bodhi’s arm is ugly to look at. He has to swallow bile at the sight of it

“Ah...um...” Luke says, not sure where to begin with the man beside him. Luke can tell that the man is only a few years older than him although he doesn’t know how much. His dark eyes are glued on some corner of the ship’s hull looking both distant and alarmed.

“I need to...um...your arm...” Luke fumbles his way toward asking about it and that wide-eyed gaze flicks to him. It feels like being caught in a spotlight, but Bodhi slowly uncurls his arm from his chest. Holding it on the table between them he stares at Luke... Or possibly through him. His dark-eyed gaze feels like an X-ray.

Luke looks away first, to the task at hand. The arm in question is already dripping on the table and he remembers what little Aunt Beru taught him of first aid.

Aunt Beru was rarely severe, but once he cut himself on accident... He was young and trying his hand at mods for an older droid. He was using a small knife to pry apart some rusty gears when his hand slipped. It hurt, but he waited until he finished what he was doing before he went to Aunt Beru.

When she saw all the blood her face lit up in alarm. When he had whined and asked,

“What’s the big deal it’s not like I broke a bone or something,” she grabbed him by the arm and glared at him with those normally warm eyes that turned to flint.

“Blood loss can be the biggest danger in any injury. Broken bones can hurt like hell, but waiting to fix a broken bone won’t cost you like...” she trailed off and let go of his arm.

She mentioned once that she used to be a nurse during the clone wars... She almost never spoke of it. It took him years to realize he had scared her that day...or maybe reminded her of something she didn’t want to remember.

In the present he sees the blood dripping off Bodhi’s arm and he recalls her words. Swallowing back nausea he digs through the kit and sighs in relief when he finds a small gray packet of coag powder. Bodhi’s staring at the wall again, pale and shaking.

“This will sting a bit,” he murmurs and Bodhi turns to stare at him again. A rough noise escapes his lips sounding almost like a laugh.

“I already g-got shot, h-how bad c-could it b-be?” he asks and Luke shrugs a little as he tears open the packet.

“I don’t know... I haven’t been shot,” he replies before pouring the powder onto the pulpiest part of Bodhi’s forearm. Beside him the man inhales like a hiss and Luke turns his arm over to shake more powder onto the other side.

“What the h-hell is that –?” Bodhi says a word he doesn’t know, but based on the tone he can guess what it means.

“Sorry, it’s supposed to help stop the bleeding... There’s nothing in this kit that can help me make a brace for your arm though...” he looks away from Bodhi and at the kit.

“All I can do is bandage it...” he says and Bodhi shrugs looking back at Jyn and Cassian.

“I’ll b-be fine,” he says and Luke wants to ask him something, but he’s not sure what. It’s strange to feel so familiar with the man and to know almost nothing about him.

He pulls out two large bacta patches from the kit. He opens one and presses onto the outside of Bodhi’s arm. The bacta gel on the patch presses to the injury like glue, but it can be peeled off within a matter of hours should anyone wish it. He places the other on the inner arm to create something like a band of bacta patches around the ruined part of Bodhi's arm.

After that he grabs the roll of gauze and begins wrapping Bodhi’s arm. He’s not sure how much bandage is needed, but they have nothing to brace the broken bone so it seems right to try and wrap it rigidly if he can with just the bandages.

He scoots a little closer so he can get a good angle with Bodhi’s arm to try and wrap the bandage snugly. It’s strange being this close to him.

He’s very aware of Bodhi’s breath ghosting over his shoulder as the man watches him work. It’s not an unpleasant feeling, simply a new one. He says nothing and keeps wrapping until there’s a decent enough casing around Bodhi’s arm.

He sits back in his chair.

“Good as new,” he says quietly and Bodhi looks at him with confusion in his large dark eyes. Luke blushes a little and fumbles to say, “Oh it’s just something my Aunt Beru used to say...” he trails off, but Bodhi nods like that makes perfect sense even though his arm is far from fixed.

“My mum used to s-say that too,” Bodhi says almost too soft to hear.

“Oh, is she back home? Where is home by the way?” It feels right to ask such things and the look on Bodhi’s face makes him immediately regret it.

“Jedha. You know where that is?” he asks and Luke shakes his head feeling like he’s missed something again.  “They used the D-Death Star on it like w-with Alderaan.”

Luke winces and Bodhi keeps talking.  “Except they were just t-testing it so they only destroyed m-my city and not the whole m-moon. Pretty sure the rest of the moon’s not l-livable anymore though. Just a d-dead rock in space now... Is your Aunt back on Tatooine?” The question at the end startles him with the sudden change in tracks.

“No. No, she was murdered along with my uncle... Maybe three days ago,” he says and neither of them speak after that. They are still sitting clustered together on the bench and they both stare at Bodhi’s arm where it rests between them.

The quiet rests a little heavy on them both. Luke breaks it first.

“That was really brave what you did to try and save them,” he says nodding at the man’s arm and Bodhi sighs.

“It was s-stupid, I’m not really much of a f-fighter and I just p-panicked when I saw them out there...” they both look over at Jyn and Cassian. She’s helping him get his armor off, but her hands are shaking badly. It looks like it’s making the process much harder than it should be.

“We’re all l-lucky Han was nearby or we’d be d-dead now,” Bodhi adds still watching the other two and his words startle Luke.

“You don’t really think...?” Luke trails off and Bodhi turns to look at him.

“I do,” he says and for once he doesn’t twitch and there is no uncertainty in his gaze. He stares at Luke for a long moment before his arm twitches and he looks away with a sigh, turning to stare morosely at nothing. Neither of them speak for a time. It’s Luke who eventually breaks the silence again.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” he says quietly and Bodhi looks at him and then away, his lips tremble only a little as he replies.

“I had a sister too... It didn’t even occur to me to worry about them until I was safely out of the city.”

It sounds like a confession and Luke doesn’t know what to say to that so he just nods. Bodhi takes a deep breath and glances at him again,“And I’m s-sorry about your aunt and uncle.”

Luke nods and tries to summon up any feelings about it, but that piece of him still feels numb. Devoid of anything at all, just hollow and empty.

He looks over at Bodhi’s arm again, the bad one still resting on the table between them and Luke feels the strange urge to try and hold his hand.

“For what it’s worth I still think what you did was really brave,” Luke tells him, still staring at the bandaged arm.

“It really wasn’t. I’m just a dumb cargo pilot,” Bodhi replies as he carefully pulls the bad arm off the table to cradle it in his lap. Luke glances at him with the surprise evident enough in his expression for the man to chuckle sardonically.

“Yeah, I g-guess it hasn’t come up... I was an Imperial c-cargo pilot. I l-left because I thought I needed to _do_ s-something. Instead I got my ass captured and I got swept up in...” he trails off, but he’s watching Jyn and Cassian again. When he looks back at Luke the smile is gone.

“I barely d-did anything at all. They’re t-the brave ones, I’m j-just tagging along,” he says and Luke stares at him speechless. He swallows hard and stares at the bandaged arm and the swelling and bruising that are just visible at the edges of his makeshift cast.

“You saved their lives... I saw enough to know that for sure and... That seems pretty brave to me...” Luke says before glancing at him sidelong allowing himself a hint of a smile,

“Even if you really should have used a blaster or something.”

And Bodhi smiles too, a small glint of one that just lifts the edges of his mouth.

“I didn’t have a blaster,” he murmurs looking almost sheepish.

“Than I really don’t know what you were expecting yourself to do,” Luke replies with a chuckle and Bodhi’s smile grows.

Another silence falls, but this time it feels easier. Bodhi leans back with a gusty sigh and closes his eyes.

“I’m not s-sure I can fall asleep even t-though I should and I’m w-wrecked,” he mutters.

“My aunt used to tell me to just close my eyes and even if I couldn’t sleep that was more resting than just sitting and staring at the wall with my eyes open,” Luke says and that Bodhi smiles again, his eyes staying closed.

“My m-mum said almost the s-same thing,” he murmurs and Luke looks up at him in surprise and thought. He doesn’t say anything for a minute before replying,

“I think your mom and my aunt would have liked each other a lot,” he says and Bodhi’s smile grows, but his eyes remain closed.

“I think so too,” he mumbles and then he goes quiet.

About 10 minutes pass and Bodhi starts to list sideways until his head lands on Luke’s shoulder. Luke stiffens a little at the contact, craning his head to try and see Bodhi’s face.

“ _Bodhi,_ ” he whispers and gets no reply. The pilot is dead asleep and so Luke settles himself, preparing to sit very still for the foreseeable future. At some point while they were talking those alarms from the cockpit stopped. Now there is only silence.

Leia comes in and sees the two of them.

She stares for an instant before nodding at him and going over to pick up the med kit. There’s a seriousness in her expression that doesn’t reach her eyes which sparkle in amusement. He’s not sure what’s funny, but he nods back. He can see her looking them both over as she comes to stand before them.

 _'Good job,'_ she mouths before picking up the med kit and turning away to talk to Cassian. Luke can't make out the content of their hushed tones over the hum of the Falcon’s engine. After a short time she stands and graces them both with a final decisive nod before she heads back towards the cockpit.

He glances over to see Cassian staring at him now. Jyn has curled up against him and fallen asleep as well. From where he sits they look comfortable together. But, he cannot decipher Cassian’s gaze and an instant later the man looks away with a sigh. He seems to resettle himself and lean into Jyn, closing his eyes.

Even R2 has powered down, still sitting on the other end of the bench by Bodhi’s side.

Making sure to not disturb the pilot, he too leans back and closes his eyes. He’s sure there are no good dreams waiting for him, not after these last few days. Still, with Bodhi warm beside him, maybe he’ll have a good dream for a change.

He closes his eyes and lets his exhaustion carry him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely liked this a lot. Also even R2 loves Bodhi and follows him around like a worried puppy. I followed my truth and it led me here to where EVERYBODY LOVES THIS GOOD SWEET BOY...and Luke is like...what is this feeling so sudden and new? Yes that's a wicked reference but the answer is not loathing deal with it.  
> Is anybody surprised I could only write from Luke's POV after some sads happen? I'm not surprised. But I really did like this conversation and EVERYBODY *clap emoji* GETS *clap emoji* A *clap emoji* NAP. That said I'm not giving you three chapters that all end in naps that would be boring.  
> Next up is Leia and what she's been up to for this whole bit, that chapter should come out sometime next week and then there might be a break because I'm going on vacation for a week? IT'S PASSOVER AND I'M GONNA BE BUSY EATIN' THAT MATZAH (which fun fact tastes like paper I do not understand goys who buy that shit and say they love matzah. Try eating that shit for a week straight in place of all breads and things and tell me you like Matzah I DARE YOU) um...anyway...I got into the weeds a bit here...y'all are great hope you liked the chapter.


	29. Quiet Like a Fight (Leia/Chirrut)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Jimmy Rustled Bird for helping me with this BEAR of a chapter  
> Also holy shit this fanfic officially passed 100K in word count holy shit what am I DOING WITH MY LIFE??

 

 _I’m a princess cut from marble, smoother than a storm._  
_And the scars that mark my body, they’re silver and gold,_  
_My blood is a flood of rubies, precious stones,_  
_It keeps my veins hot, the fire’s found a home in me._  
_I move through town, I’m quiet like a fight,_  
_And my necklace is of rope, I tie it and untie._  
_This is the start of how it all ends_

_—Yellow Flicker Beat, Lorde_

_\---_

Her father had not wanted her to join the Rebellion. She thinks that even when he relented, a part of him wished she could simply live a settled life as a member of the council. She knew he was prepared to use her presence there for the Rebellion, but she is quite certain he wished for her to stay out of this.

It was easier and it was safer, but she was determined. At 15 years old she could already see the greed and corruption that infested the council. When laws came through, _good_ laws, laws that could help people….they were overturned. But laws that put credits in the pockets of these politicians were passed with ease.

And she tried to live in this world. She would campaign, she would barter and make deals until she felt as filthy as the rest of them when one meager ruling passed in their favor. She wanted to help and she wanted it to be real.

When she begged her father to let her do something real, she could see the pain in his eyes as he eventually gave in to her wishes. He put her in touch with Mon Mothma and she trained to be something of a double agent. Publicly renouncing the Rebellion in the senate and privately gathering information for them, acting as a courier in dangerous territories where she had immunity due to her political status.

Her father was there to see her off before her first real mission and he bent a little stare at eye level. There was no smile in the lines around his eyes, he was deadly serious.

“If anything should go wrong—” he began and she interrupted him,

“Father, I’ll be _fine._ ” He simply continued as she had not spoken.

“ _If something should go wrong..._ ” he paused and took a breath looking away for a moment.

“It’s important to keep your head. People won’t think straight because of exhaustion or fear and it’s important to remember your priorities. You may need to triage your own friends.”

She only nodded because she didn’t know what to say. This was a side of her father she had hardly seen before and it was startling.

And Force damn it all if he wasn’t right about all of it. She had been in that very situation on several occasions before. And she was in it again today.

\---

Her only knowledge of Jyn Erso came from the brief communication that was sent out when the Rogues absconded with an Alliance vessel for Scariff. It briefly outlined those involved and suggested that it might be wise to remain nearby in case any usable information was transmitted.

In the report it stated that Jyn Erso, daughter of Imperial Engineer Galen Erso, was a criminal and had recently accepted a temporary commission to the Rebellion with the rank of Sergeant. It only briefly mentioned the former Imperial cargo pilot Bodhi Rook. There were two Guardians from Jedha, all it stated was their names and that the one named Chirrut Imwe was blind. Last on the list was Cassian Andor and that surprised her. He had given her some lessons while she trained to be in the Rebellion. He wasn’t around for long, but his tips on shooting a blaster at close range were invaluable. And she saw him around the compound from time to time.

Nothing about that man spoke of a defector. Of a man who would commit mutiny.

She stared for a time at that photo of Jyn Erso and wondered what kind of person she was. Even in the picture her eyes seemed to burn. There was no doubt this was her idea, but how she convinced the others was the question.

As soon as she saw the two of them in the halls of the Death Star, she understood.

She had seen this kind of a bond before even if she hadn’t yet experienced it on her own. The way they clung to each other like their lives depended on it spoke of something that ran deep.

It all went sideways as they raced for the Falcon.

Obi-Wan was murdered and Bodhi was shot. She was too busy firing back at the stormtroopers to see most of it, but she saw Bodhi standing between a stormtrooper and his prey with nothing to defend himself and she saw the blaster shot shatter his arm before Han shot the trooper.

She saw Obi-Wan as the saber passed through him and he seemed to disintegrate into nothing.

Once everybody is back on the Falcon she looks around to find Cassian collapsed on the floor with Jyn clearly panicking beside him. Luke sits in a daze and Bodhi moves to a corner cradling his bloody arm, not looking the least bit concerned about patching it up.

She makes some decisions and goes to Cassian. He answers most of her questions and directs her to a med kit. All the while shooting her a look that clearly says _‘we’ll talk later.’_

Alarms start blaring from the cockpit and she simply says,

“I’ll take care of it.”

She finds the kit and comes back to the central hold thinking of triage.

She begins with Luke.

She wishes she had time to truly lament their collective loss. Obi-Wan was a great man and a treasured ally even if he had remained dormant on Tatooine for some years. She grew up to stories of Ben Kenobi’s heroics and that was one of a hundred reasons she sent the plans to him. She didn’t know the man enough, but she can still feel the loss of a legend.

She says very little of that and instead, asks him to look after Bodhi. She hardly waits for his agreement before approaching the dazed pilot, who is now being crowded by R2. The small droid voices their concern and Bodhi smiles at them sleepily, patting them on the dome as she kneels down beside him.

“Bodhi, I’m going to bring you over to Luke so he can patch up your arm okay?” she asks and he glances at her looking a little startled. He’s probably in shock and so it takes a moment before the information fully sinks in. He nods and she steps around to his good side so she can tug him to his feet. It’s a little awkward when he’s so much taller than her, but they manage it somehow. She’s ready to drape his good arm over her shoulder for support, when he waves her off.

Leia can’t help but raise her brows at how every member of this crew seems to be horrifically injured and ignoring it to their own detriment at every turn. It would worry her if she dwelled for too long on whether her new companions are truly that lacking in self preservation.

“You all make quite the group,” Leia mutters wryly, “Even that laser brain managed to get himself shot.”

Bodhi glances at her with tired eyes as she speaks and she shepherds him over to where Luke is sitting.

“Y-you mean Han? That was my f-fault...he pushed me out of the w-way...” he stutters quietly and she gapes at him. He hardly notices as he droops onto the bench beside Luke.

For his part, the boy watched their approach with wide nervous eyes, but as soon as Bodhi settles beside him he takes a breath and starts looking over the med kit. He nods at her once before turning to the pilot.

Satisfied that this at least, is being handled, she runs to investigate the alarms as the Falcon shudders with the impact of blaster fire.

She’s met in the hall by Han who is running in their direction.

“What is it?” She asks

“TIE Fighters,” he replies, “Where are the others?”

“Cassian, Jyn, and Bodhi aren’t really fit to be handling this right now, Luke is patching up Bodhi’s arm,” she rattles them off with a calm she doesn’t quite feel.

“But, I’m here,” She continues and looks him in the eye, “What can I do?”

He almost scoffs, looking away for a moment before turning back to her with something like appraisal.

“Alright follow me,” he says and immediately starts heading back the way he came. He hands her a headset and puts on his own.

“Chewie can you manage by yourself in the cockpit?” he asks into the headset and they get a growl filtering through the speaker in reply.

“Good,” he says and then turns a corner and opens a hatch door that leads down into what looks like a gunport.

“I’m going to need you to try and shoot down these—” Han begins and she interrupts him as she climbs down the ladder into the small room.

“Yes I understand, thank you.”

She moves to sit in the chair and pulls the controls in front of her. Now she hears Han through the headset as he scoffs again followed by the clattering sounds of him climbing into the other port.

The swivel on the chair startles her a little but she pays that no mind and focuses on what’s in front of her.

She sees the ships flying towards them through the viewport.

“Here they come,” she says.

\---

When the last TIE fighter bursts into a plume of flame at her hand, Leia closes her eyes and breathes.

She’s used a blaster before, this is not the first time she’s had to take a life, nor the second, but she always needs a minute afterwards. A minute to calm herself and still any tremors in her hands.

She takes off the headset and climbs out of the gunport to find Han waiting at the top.

He doesn’t say anything, he’s holding his shoulder with a grimace, but when she comes up the ladder he lets his hand drop. he seems to briefly look her over like he’s assessing something. Whatever conclusion he reaches, he nods and heads back towards the cockpit. She follows him.

Chewie is moving into the co-pilot’s seat as they enter and Han falls into his chair with what looks like an attempt at being casual.

“Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh?” he asks, “You know, sometimes I amaze even myself.”  
Leia resists the urge to mock as she says, “That doesn't sound too hard. Besides, they let us go. It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape.”

He cranes his head around to look at her incredulously.

“Easy... you call that easy?” he demands and she can only shake her head at how thick he is.

“They’re tracking us!” she practically hisses and now he is shaking his head.

“Not this ship, sister.”

She stares at him a minute and exhales a quiet breath. It wouldn’t do to punch their pilot in the face no matter how irritating and dim he may be. There isn’t a lot in their favor at the moment and angering the man taking them where they need to go would be unwise. He’s facing forward again with hand on the control column when she speaks again. The words are more to herself than to him.

“At least the information in R2 is still intact, I just hope when the plans are analyzed a weakness can be found...It’s not over yet.”

Han whips around to look at her affronted.

“It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be _well paid_ ,” he says and she has to grit her teeth a little at the callousness of this man.

“You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive!” She says letting the condescension drip like acid from her tongue. From the way he’s twisted in his seat her eyes find that blaster injury to his shoulder again.

It looks like it’s still bleeding a little.

So, without a word she storms out of the cockpit.

She takes a few deep breaths as she walks down the hall towards the central hold area. Everyone is more or less as she left them with a few differences.

The first thing to greet her eyes is the sight of Luke, with Bodhi asleep on his shoulder. The boy looks like he is trying to sit very still, letting his shoulder be the pillow for the pilot’s head to rest on. She can’t help a wave of amusement at the sight of it.

She knew she was right to put Bodhi in Luke’s care.

To her left, she sees Cassian pulled himself up to lean against the wall. Jyn is curled against him and also asleep. He has one arm wrapped protectively around her, but he’s still awake and watching Leia.

She goes to Luke first to pick up the med kit.

 _‘Good job,’_ she whispers, not wanting to wake the pilot who can surely use the rest.

Then she takes the kit and goes to kneel down so she can speak at eye level with Cassian where he sits.

There is something almost defiant in his look to her now. As if he is daring her to comment on the two of them. Leia doesn’t have time for such things or the care to take him to task for something only the military might concern themselves about. She is not military and so she does not care.

“Do you still need this?” she asks holding up the med kit and she can see any sort of anger vanish in an instant. He is too practical to be petty at a time like this and so is she. He considers the kit and the sleeping girl beside him.

Without a word, Leia watches him lean over with a wince and gently press his hand against what must be the stab wound on her leg. His hand comes away with only a few small red drops that he immediately rubs off on the leg of his own pants.

She’s guessing this is an improvement when he says,

“It can wait until she wakes up,” and she nods and pushes herself to her feet. She’s already thinking ahead and several steps ahead of that. It’s how she was taught and so she has to ask as she stares down at the two of them,

“What will happen if the plans don’t reveal any flaws we can exploit?”

He makes a face like he’s been wondering the same and replies quietly,

“I don’t know.”

Uncertainty is not new to her and is surely just as familiar to an informations officer. It’s an old friend that sits on one’s shoulder getting heavier with every passing day.

She looks at Jyn Erso, her worries smoothed away by sleep. Her hair is a mess of what (most likely) used to be a bun. It escapes her ties in tendrils that drip onto her cheeks and over her eyes. The bruising around her eye and on her neck leads Leia to wonder about the damage she can't see.

Leia does not precisely know the motivations of this young woman, although she can guess at a few.

“What will she do if there’s nothing?” Leia asks and Cassian holds Jyn a little tighter, his expression strained.

“I don’t know,” he replies and she nods a little. Once when she was younger, and Cassian was trying to teach her something with the blaster…(the particulars of which lesson and which day it happened have blended). She recollects that she was tired and wanted to stop to get something to eat.

Eventually she made her complaints known and Cassian looked at her with such a severity it made her feel small. He told her that what she was learning was important, that one day these skills could save her life.

He told her it was best to always be ready, should the worst come to pass.

He was more than correct and his words ring true still. Presently she looks down at the pair of them.

“Well you have time,” she says thoughtfully. “I suggest you think on that. Somebody once taught me it was wise to plan for worst case scenarios,” she adds and she smiles a little bit. He almost smiles back, but doesn’t quite manage it. She looks around at each of them once more before she heads back to the cockpit with the kit in hand feeling some renewed measure of calm.

A reminder of their circumstances brings perspective on her small annoyances compared to the larger scale of what’s happening around them.

When she returns to that smaller space, Han is alone. He leans back in the pilot’s chair with a posture that speaks of exhaustion more than relaxation.

“Where did that wookiee go?” she asks and he visibly startles, but he tries to hide it by not looking at her.

“He wanted to stretch his legs. It’s not like we’re super busy right now,” Han says with a hand lightly resting on the control column.

With the ship still in hyperspace, stars stream by the window lighting up the small room with a soft layer of sparkling blue. When she doesn’t immediately reply, Han finally cranes around to look at her.

At his glance, she snaps her eyes away from the cosmic tide happening beyond the transparisteel of the viewport, and now she is all business. She puts the medkit on the seat behind his so she can rifle through it and make sure they still have enough bacta gel and patches to spare. Luckily this kit was generously stocked so she pulls out a bacta patch and goes to stand between Han’s seat and the control panel with the patch in hand.

“Take off your shirt,” she says and suddenly he’s got his hands up and a smirk firmly installed on his face.

“Hey now princess, we hardly even know each other,” he says in what is surely an attempt to be suave.

“No you nerfherder, you were shot and that needs to be checked out,” she replies sharp and dismissive, pointing at his shoulder. Beneath her gaze he seems suddenly uncomfortable.

“It’s fine princess,” he says not meeting her eyes.

“Do you want it to get infected? You can put on the patch itself if you want, but if the bolt went through your shoulder, you’ll need my help to patch up the back,” she says and she’s still too sharp. She’s trying to remember her perspective, but she is feeling an acute lack of patience in this particular man’s presence.

At her words he grumbles and begins to take off his vest. She can see that his movements are stiff when he pulls it off of his left shoulder. The white shirt underneath clearly illustrates the injury in bright red. He glances at her once before grumbling a little more and unbuttoning his shirt. He gets as far as peeling it off his shoulder before he winces and glares at her. It obviously hurts to try and work his arm out of the sleeve.

She comes forward with practiced hands to help him gently work the sleeve off. He still hisses with pain, but now she can see the extent of the injury.

Some other girl might flutter over seeing exposed skin, but she’s not here for that. The injury is still raw and seeping small rivulets of blood.

Without a word, Han moves at her touch so she can see his back where the bolt did indeed exit. She had a feeling based on the look of the entry wound that it went straight through.

Luckily the blaster cauterized the injury enough that she can clean it a little before applying the patch. Better to clean it now so the bacta can work on healing rather than disinfecting. She goes back to the kit and finds some antiseptic wipes. She rips one open and makes a face at the sharp smell of disinfectant before going back to Han.

“I don’t think I have to tell you this will sting,” she says and he scoffs.

“I’ve had worse.”

She raises her eyebrows and prods at the entry wound with the disinfectant. Han yelps at the pain and she sighs. Pain is pain and a blaster bolt hurts like hell. Anyone who pretends otherwise is just stupid.

Before he can boast any further she goes in to clean the wound carefully and ignores the way he stiffens and winces.

She was told she had terrible bedside manner when she was given first aid training.

The nurse had suggested she _try_ and make conversation to distract any would be patient from the discomfort of her attempts at said first aid.

(The nurse also said she was effective enough to be allowed in the field. She simply added these comments off the record to Leia herself)

She was never particularly good at small talk. The polite and political piece of her was a mask that she had to put on in the senate. It was like a switch that had to be flipped for her to smile at these impotent men she hated and these women who were too accustomed to looking the other way. The senate was full of useless politicians who were satisfied to accomplish nothing and convincing them to do otherwise took skill and effort.

Leia is too tired now to flip that switch. She does not feel like smiling or ingratiating herself to this ridiculous man.

But she remembers Bodhi’s comments from earlier as she moves to clean the exit wound. At the first press of disinfectant, Han inhales so fast it sounds like a hiss and she says,

“Bodhi says you pushed him out of the way of this.” She gestures at his shoulder a little and she can feel his eyes on her. She focuses instead on the grisly injury before her rather than meeting his gaze.

He looks away after a moment and sighs.

“That kid is either stupid as a bantha or he’s got a death wish,” he grumbles and Leia almost smiles.

“The line between bravery and stupidity is a very fine one,” she murmurs.

“Well fat lot of good all this did, the kid still ended up shot,” he says still sounding aggrieved. She glances up at him then to see the look is more regret than she expected.

She puts the cloth away and comes back around to unwrap the first bacta patch.

“It was a chaotic moment and he was trying to help his friends,” she murmurs and that only seems to irritate him further.

“They’re no better!” he exclaims gesticulating wildly with his uninjured side. “The whole lot of them seem hell bent on winding up dead,” he adds and she looks at him right then. It’s worry more than anything else that reigns supreme in his features. It makes her brows raise a little, just in surprise as she places the first patch on the entry wound and goes to get a second patch from the kit.

“Given the way today went, I think if they wanted to be dead, they would be dead,” she says as she unwraps the clear foil around the patch. “Besides,” she continues, “I’m more familiar with Captain Andor than you are. He’s many things, but suicidal is not one of them.” She places the second patch over the exit wound and comes around to stand in front of him again. Leaning against the console behind her and folding her arms.

He slowly pushes his arm back into the sleeve of his shirt as he says, “Yeah, well I know her and she was a lot less stupid before she met your captain and that Bodhi kid.”

She stares at him, surprised again by new information.

“Emotions can compromise judgement in the field,” she says cool and measured.

He points at her with what looks like a permanent frown and says, “Exactly what I said. Stupid.”

Leia shakes her head.

“It is my understanding that they both experienced something rather intense on Scarif,” she says and he looks away gritting his teeth.

“Yeah, so I hear. All I know is that girl’s been a mess since I picked them up on Tatooine and whatever happened on that kriffing station made it worse.” He crosses his arms slowly, like he’s uncertain if he can with his injured shoulder. Apparently he can and he sits back in his chair to to glare at her.

“I don’t know that kid…the pilot that well, Force knows what was in his head that had him go up against a trooper unarmed,” he grumbles and Leia thinks she understands what she’s seeing. So she allows herself to smile and say calmly,

“They were fortunate you were there to help.”

He waves her off with a muttered, “Yeah, whatever,” and a silence coats them both. She should use the comms to call into Yavin IV. They need a status update and so does she. But it’s Han who speaks first.

“You went in there before to...um...” he trails off and that hand is waving again. It takes her a second to understand what he’s asking, but when she does she chooses her words with care.

“Luke patched up Bodhi well enough for now, he’ll need proper doctors when we land. Jyn’s asleep and it looks like the bleeding in her leg has mostly stopped. You can go check on them if you want.”

Clearly he’s unused to worrying about others and how one goes about dealing with such things. Finally he nods a little and gets to his feet.

“Yeah I’ll...yeah...” he turns to leave and she stops him.

“Do you mind if I use the comms?” she asks.

“No, go ahead. The switches for it are right behind you,” he says with a quick glance in her direction before heading down the hall.

She sits in the co-pilot’s seat, keys in the code she memorized before she left, and puts on the headset. She’s relieved to hear the crackling voice on the other end begin with,

“Please identify yourself.”

“Authorization code Echo-alpha-eight-two-one-zero-four-gamma,” she replies. There’s a pause as the operator checks her code.

“It’s good to hear from you ma’am. This is Private Nev, who do you wish to speak to?”

“General Raddus if he’s available,” she says and hopes as the line goes quiet.

“I’m afraid he is unavailable at this time. I believe he’s off world,” the private replies and she sighs and decides to try her luck once more before resigning to the inevitable.

“Mon Mothma? This is urgent.”

“One moment ma’am,”

Another brief silence and Leia fights the urge to fidget.

“Sorry ma’am I can’t reach her,” the private says in her ear and she sighs. Mothma is surely trapped in some meeting behind some locked door. Leia never had good luck so she’ll try her bad luck.

“Try General Draven?”

“Yes ma’am.”

There’s another quiet and then a familiar deep voice filters through the headset.

“Princess Leia? We thought you were taken by Darth Vader’s forces,” he says and somehow he sounds utterly calm.

“Well a rescue was mounted by General Obi-Wan Kenobi. I sent the plans to him with my R2 unit.”

“General Kenobi? He’s been inactive for some years now,” Draven says slowly.

“Yes, I was being sent to recruit him for the Rebellion under my father’s orders. When we were boarded by Darth Vader, plans changed,” she says and the General is quiet. It’s even worse speaking to him without having visual cues to help read him.

“Obviously you will need to make a full report to the council upon your arrival, but was it successful? Do you have the plans?”

“Yes, we have the plans. They are still in my R2 unit so you’ll have to extract them from the droid’s systems but...” she trails off uncertain of how much she should say now. It would be best to know the landscape before they arrive. But too much could make things worse. Of course Draven is a pragmatist. He won’t cause trouble unless it benefits him and she sees no reason that this would benefit him.

“We also had some more help from the remnants of the Rogue One crew...Unfortunately General Kenobi died as we were escaping the station,” she says allowing her regret to be audible. The worst thing she could be right now is flippant with these hard facts.

The general is quiet again. He likes to take a long time and think before he speaks. It’s very unnerving though to be on the waiting end of it.

“General Kenobi is a real loss, but the Rogue One crew? How did they find your location?”

She squints at the console wishing desperately she had more to go on than just his voice. She didn’t expect him to cry over the Jedi, but his focus is strange to her.

“I think it was by accident. They discovered I was on track to take the plans to Alderaan so they went there and they got caught in an Imperial tractor beam,” she says, not sure if she wants to try and explain the enormity of the Death Star to this man without the plans as illustration.

“Who exactly is with you now?”

“A smuggler named Solo, I will be paying him from my own accounts upon arrival. He required some bribing to assist us. A boy named Luke Skywalker from Tatooine who was training with General Kenobi before his death. Then there’s Cassian Andor, Jyn Erso, and Bodhi Rook.”

Draven goes quiet again and she wonders if she revealed too much, but she needs to know what they are walking into when they arrive. Plans or no, she might be safe but the others may not be.

“And what of the temple guardians?”

“They aren’t here, general.”

He’s quiet again.

“Forgive me general, but it’s been quite chaotic. I haven’t had time to get the full details. The Rogue One crew members all require medical attention on our arrival.”

She stares at the flashing lights of the console and hears a sound behind her. It’s Han and he’s watching her carefully. She nods and he goes to sit in his pilot’s seat, watching her the whole time.

It’s Draven in her ear who commands her full attention when he speaks again,

“It may be a lot to ask for immediately considering the situation,” he says and the words are clearly chosen with care.

“General, I understand that, but they risked everything and if these plans are everything we are hoping for, they will have saved all our lives.”

“They still committed mutiny, and that’s a high crime under our laws. I know you know that ma’am.” Draven says and Han is watching her with laser-like focus. She stares back trying to hide her growing dread.

“They nearly _died_ to get us those plans. I think Jyn Erso may have been questioned by an Imperial interrogator and as far as I can tell she gave nothing away,” she says and Han’s eyes go wider. Neither he nor Draven know she is stretching the truth here. Jyn Erso was showing some classic signs of early PTSD and her injury was of the sort that could be inflicted during questioning, not to mention Cassian’s behavior towards her. She had no actual confirmation, let alone real knowledge that the young woman successfully withheld information under interrogation. It’s just an attempt to sway things in their favor as soon as possible.

“That does not change the fact that they committed mutiny. I can make sure they are given medical attention, but I can guarantee nothing more.”

Leia lets her lips compress into a tight line knowing this is the best she can get from him.

“Well you should also know it is very likely the Empire is tracking us, so have your men on hand and ready to analyze the plans immediately,” she says and she hears Draven take a breath.

“That’s a serious risk you’re taking ma’am. If the plans show no flaws—” the general begins and she interrupts him swiftly.

“I’ve sped up our timetable, but it was only a matter of time before they found us and I can tell you the weapon we heard rumors about is very real. Alderaan is no more thanks to what they call The Death Star. They would find us sooner or later and with such a weapon we would be annihilated in minutes.”

Han is gaping at her now and she glares out the window at the stars flying past the viewport.

“The council will not be pleased that you made this choice for them,” Draven says slowly and Leia wishes she could say ‘ _tough shit._ ’

Instead she takes a breath and says, “Well I was highly displeased that their inaction helped lead to the destruction of my homeworld and you can tell them I said so,” she says managing to keep the acid from her tone but not the ice. She considers hanging up right then, but she doesn’t.

The general is silent and after waiting she says, “General, have medics and information analysts ready and waiting. I will call again before we land,” she says and after a brief pause she hears the one thing thing she hoped to hear in the first place.

“Affirmative ma’am.”

She moves to hang up the phone when she hears one thing more.

“Princess, you are aware that both your parents were on Alderaan seeing the High Council?” he asks in what is surely an attempt at kindness and Leia has to swallow the lump in her throat. She didn’t need confirmation, it still hurts to know for sure.

“I wasn’t certain, thank you for providing confirmation general,” she says and her voice hardly cracks. Han is finally looking away in a manner that seems _very_ deliberate.

“I am sorry for your loss ma’am.”

“Thank you, expect to hear from me within the next 8 hours,” she says.

“Affirmative,” he replies and she cuts the connection.

The cockpit is deathly quiet beyond the steady hum of the ship’s engine. Leia leans back against the seat when Han finally says,

“Are you going to tell them?”

“Cassian is smart enough to expect this. But, you saw them out there,” she says and points out the door.

“The girl's got it bad for your captain,” Han observes and she almost smiles, surprised again that he would notice such things.

“I think the feeling is extremely mutual,” she says.

“And the two kids are just as bad, curled up like a couple of loth-cats,” he adds like such a bond is a disease. She shakes her head.

“My point is they’ve been through a lot and they deserve a rest,” she says and leans back in her seat to watch the stars flowing like water past the window.

“Yeah, they do,” Han agrees softly, mirroring her and getting comfortable in his seat. After that there is only the quiet calming hum of the engines and the sparkle of stars around them.

\---

Chirrut has technically been old for some time. He likes to tease Baze by calling him the old man, but truly he is only a few years older than Chirrut. Baze would always respond along those lines, calling him just as old.

Chirrut would smile and reply, _‘But I don’t feel old!’_

Today he feels old. He feels his age in every muscle, joint, and bone.

The ship they chartered rattles with the engine, and all the shaking only exacerbates his aches.

Not that he’ll complain or say anything. To pilot of the ship is practically doing an act of charity taking them. (The amount of money they got for Baze’s repeater cannon was an embarrassment, they were fortunate to find a pilot who was sympathetic to their fiction about Chirrut requiring special medical care)

Now he knows Yavin IV is fast approaching because every planet feels different in the fabric of the force and this one sings of untamed forests and fast flowing rivers. The dirt speaks of hundreds of footsteps taken in it by so many different kinds of beings.

He knows they are close and so he tries to leverage himself to his feet.

The pilot had provided a cot for Chirrut.  Baze is sitting at his feet. The moment he tries to rise, Baze is on his feet telling him to lie down.

“We are almost to the planet Baze, we will need to radio in so they don’t shoot us out of the sky when we land,” Chirrut insists and Baze stops trying to push him back onto the cot. He steps back and folds his arms. A signal for Chirrut to finish his explanation.

“Of the two of us, I am the better speaker as you know.” Baze rolls his eyes but doesn’t interrupt.  “So we need to go make an excuse to the pilot so we can use the comms,” Chirrut finishes and Baze looks thoughtful for a minute before he steps forward and carefully helps Chirrut to his feet.

Neither of them comment on the hisses and winces involved in that process. Baze simply wraps a sturdy arm around his midsection and lets Chirrut throw an arm over his shoulders.

Baze grabs Chirrut’s staff from where it leans against the wall and puts it into Chirrut’s free hand.

Chirrut smiles for him, Baze simply nods.

With him in such a state it was tragically easy to convince the pilot Hirsey about this special medical facility. He even made sure to mention something about their security when they first chartered her.

Now, with Baze’s help they walk into the cockpit.

“Excuse me, Captain,” Chirrut begins and the human woman turns to them with a raised eyebrow and an easy smile to match his own.

“I told you, call me Hirsey,” she says.

“Well Hirsey, I believe we are close to our destination are we not?” he asks and she glances at her readouts once before grinning up at him again.

“I don’t know how ya know this stuff, but yer right on the money again sir,” she said in a thickly accented Imperial.

“Well, I mentioned before this facility has heavy security. Would it be possible for us to privately use your comms to inform them of our arrival?” he asks and the woman shrugs.

“Don’t see what a bunch a doctors need that much security for, but you clearly need the medicine so I’ll git outta yer way,” she says hopping out of her seat and handing Chirrut a headset device. Baze watches her leave before murmuring to Chirrut,

“That woman is far too trusting.”

“She’ll be fine, Baze. She has good instincts,” Chirrut replies with a smile and Baze grumbles in his ear as he helps Chirrut sit down.

It’s Baze who punches in the call code he memorized from Cassian as Chirrut slips on the headset.

“It’s Chirrut Imwe and Baze Malbus, two of the surviving members of the Rogue One crew that went to Scarif,” he says and there is a brief silence at the other end of the comm. He doesn’t need the Force to tell him he surprised the operator.

“Hold please,” the voice says and the connection goes quiet. Baze sits beside him, listening and watching. A minute or so later a new voice filters through the speaker.

“This is General Draven, who am I speaking with?”

“Chirrut Imwe and Baze Malbus of the surviving Rogue One crew,” he says and his response is another brief silence.

“Do you have any way to confirm your identities?” the general asks.

“Not really,” Chirrut replies, “But if you allow us to land, surely someone there will be able to say that it is us and not imposters.”

There is another silence.

“Although it would benefit you to greet us with a med team rather than soldiers. Our pilot is under the impression that I’m very ill and need to go to a special medical facility,” he adds and after a short pause the general asks,

“Are you ill?”

“Not technically,” he replies and Baze rolls his eyes and leans over to say,

“My husband is a fool and he’s still recovering from injuries he received on Scarif. We are only coming to see Cassian, Bodhi, and Jyn when they return with the plans.”

It speaks to Baze’s impatience that he’s willing to talk so much. The general sighs a little before saying, “Well based on your previous contact I had assumed the latter at least. As far as I know, they are on their way back now.”

“Good,” Chirrut says, “So will you give us clearance to land?”

Another pause.

“If you try anything I will have you both shot, but yes you have clearance,” the general says and Chirrut grins and inclines his head.

“Much appreciated General,” he says and disconnects. Baze says nothing as they land and are greeted by medical personnel carrying weapons. Chirrut knows he wants to say something, but instead he sits quietly and waits. All they can do now is wait for the children to arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 13 friggin' pages long...Leia had a lot of shit to do and this Chirrut scene was too short for it's own chapter so enjoy this monstrous update before I potentially go quiet for a week. Han being an emotionally stunted 5 year old is seriously funny to me, like ew all these feelings are gross make them stop, it's unendingly hilarious for me...I hope nobody is sad that I didn't actually write the Leia shooting down TIE fighter scene...idk I wanted to get back to the 13 PAGES OF FEELINGS. (Also low key added a little thing in the last chapter so it could correspond with this one. It's a little detail but oh well keeping compliant to my own chronology is hard)  
> Also that pilot...I was trying to make her American style southern in a universe where 'The South' does not exist...I discovered there is a fine line between southern and Hagrid.
> 
> In other news I GOT ROGUE ONE ON DVD HELL YEAH AND I CRIED WATCHING IT AGAIN. And I am still so bitter about there being no deleted scenes dang it!


	30. What If This Storm Ends?(Han/Jyn/Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Jimmy-Rustled-Bird...between the two of us it took 30 chapters to figure out I've been misspelling wookiee LOL

 

 

_What if this storm ends?_  
_And I don’t see you_  
_As you are now_  
_Ever again_  
  
_The perfect halo_  
_Of gold hair and lightning_  
_Sets you off against_  
_The planet’s last dance_

_—The Lightning Strike, Snow Patrol_

\---

Leia sits so quietly beside him that Han wonders if she’s fallen asleep. Eventually she pulls herself up out of the co-pilot’s seat and the first question to fall stupidly out of his mouth is, “Where are you going?”

She glances back at him.

“Neither Cassian nor myself got the opportunity to check over Jyn before she fell asleep. Cassian was probably right that she needed the rest more since the bleeding had mostly stopped but it’s been enough time and with our reception on Yavin IV being so uncertain…”

she trails off and Han can’t help but feel like he missed a step. He’s finding that to be a regular feeling when it comes to this woman. He wants to ask what happened to Jyn that’s making her bleed? and when did it happen? Instead he asks,

“Why do you care about Jyn’s injury? You don’t know them and it’s not like she’s integral to your little _rebellion._ ”

It sounds snide and he only half meant it that way, but he’s still surprised when she looks away and seems to actually consider his question.

Finally she murmurs without looking at him, “It’s my job to care,” and with that she turns and leaves him staring after her. He stares at the empty doorway for a minute or two before jumping to his feet and heading towards Chewie’s quarters.

He knocks once, his knuckles rapping against the durasteel hard enough to be loud and make the joints sore. That’s the only warning he ever gives before entering to find the wookiee stretched out on his bunk.

“Chewie, I need you in the pilot’s seat for a few,” he says and the wookiee growls back an annoyed assent.

This trip has been far too eventful already and Han doesn't want to think of what could happen if he just lets the Falcon go on autopilot.

\---

Jyn dreams of Lah’mu and the scent of wet earth. She dreams of seeing a blaster tear through her mother before her body hit the ground. She dreams of rain and her father’s corpse and she dreams of hiding in a cave feeling trapped and suffocated.

She wakes up with tears leaking down her cheeks, feeling trapped underneath a weight.

Groggy, disoriented, and breathing too fast it takes her a minute to piece together recent events into a semi-cohesive whole.

The Death Star, torture, a fortress in her mind, Cassian, Bodhi’s bloody arm, _the plans._

She feels like she’s being watched and when she opens her eyes, she is startled at being correct.

The princess (Princess _Leia_ , her brain reminds her) is kneeling down at eye level biting her lip. She’s still draped all in white like a ghost and she reacts only fractionally when Jyn’s eyes fly open. A slight widening of her own in reply.

The princess doesn’t speak and Jyn is still trying to piece everything together. She feels a little steadier than before. _Cassian said she was drugged?_ But everything still feels like pieces of something and not a full picture. If she tries too hard to organize it, she can feel the edges and the gaps and her heart starts to pound again.

She won’t do that with this girl watching so she’s ready to speak when Leia beats her to it.

“I think we need to talk,” she says softly, her eyes flicking to something beside her.

She half turns and realizes it’s _Cassian._ The heavy thing is Cassian’s arms around her. She’s surrounded by him and he’s warm and she remembers how soft his face is when he’s sleeping.

She was upset before and he held her and it’s hard to reconcile the two events but they definitely happened. She’s surrounded by the proof of it. It feels even more incongruous when she looks down and remembers he’s still wearing the bottom half of the storm trooper’s armor. That tortoise shell white is like something out of her nightmares, it clashes with all this Cassian beside her.

And the princess is still watching her with an expression Jyn can’t really decode. Maybe because Jyn finally looks back at her, she chooses this moment to add,

“I’m sorry I couldn’t let you sleep more, but Yavin IV is a few hours away and we probably should do something about your leg now.”

The logic seems reasonable, although she can’t help wondering why does this princess care? Why does Jyn’s injury matter to her?

Still she carefully untangles herself from Cassian, who murmurs in his sleep as she does so. She feels the absence of that warmth keenly as she tries to get to her feet. Suddenly Leia is there to give her a hand up.

She really does not understand this girl, but she takes the offered hand to help herself get pulled upright. She wobbles a little on her feet. Her thigh is less of a shrieking pain now and more of a slightly muffled agony. She winces when she puts to much weight on that leg and leans against the wall while she waits for her equilibrium to settle. Eventually the room mostly stops spinning and suddenly Jyn is remembering that bloody arm and gasps.

 _“Bodhi,_ is he okay?” she demands in a panic, one arm flying out to grab the girl by the shoulder. Leia nods slowly (carefully?) and says,

“He’s fine enough for now, he’ll need a doctor when we get to Yavin IV, but I think he’ll make it.”

As she speaks, Leia looks off to Jyn’s left and Jyn follows her gaze to see Bodhi and the farmboy leaning on eachother, dead asleep at that small table.

Jyn staggers over to them with Leia saying something beside her that she ignores. When she stands beside Bodhi, she carefully leans over him until she can see the thick casing of bandages around his ruined forearm. There are spots where he’s bled through the bandage but…

She looks back to where Leia is standing cautiously behind her.

“It looks...better,” she says and Leia smiles a little.

“Luke took good care of him,” she says quietly and Jyn looks back at the pair of them, feeling a hint of a crooked smile forming.

They look sweet together.

Without a word she steps away and Leia leads her out of the room and down a familiar looking hallway. The room she leads Jyn into has their stuff in it and Jyn can remember putting it in here, but it feels like that was years ago. It’s little more than a closet, poorly lit by lights that occasionally flicker, but there’s room for both of them to move freely. She wonders at the need to be apart from everyone before she remembers that maybe privacy is needed. She’s not sure if it’s for herself or the princess who shuts the door as soon as they enter. She then turns to face Jyn with a small brown plasteel case in her hand (the med kit they got back on Tatooine).

“Would you mind removing those so we can examine your injury?” she points to Jyn’s trousers and Jyn sighs. Already she feels tired, and more than a little irritated at the inconvenient placement of her injury. Leia turns her back while Jyn grumbles and manages to peel off her trousers. They stick to her thigh where blood has dried.

Once it’s off Leia helps her sit back down and both of them lean over the blood soaked bandage in the grimy light. Leia is digging in the med kit, but just looking at her bloody leg sends her mind flying again.

She remembers a hand _in her mind_ , a knife being driven in her leg, Cassian tired and breathless staring at her in a dark room.

“Jyn,” Leia says and suddenly she’s back in this shabby storage room and she’s breathing too fast and her hands are shaking. Leia looks at her like she _knows_ somehow although Jyn can’t imagine how.

Neither of them speak, but Leia seems to wait until she’s caught her breath before she takes a small pair of scissors and cuts through the bandage. Both of them take a breath at the sight of it. The area around the cut looks almost bruised but the skin around the gash itself is an almost unhealthy color. Its an ugly sight.

“That looks infected or close to it,” she observes and her mouth is tight as she goes back to the kit. Jyn watches her rummage and tries not to think of how similar this feels to crouching in a dimly lit room with Cassian on the Death Star.

Part of her wonders if she’s still there and this is all just a dream.

A small white pill is pressed into her hand on the Falcon.

“Swallow that and then eat this,” Leia pushes a protein pack into her other hand.

Jyn stares at what’s in her hands, almost lacking the comprehension to understand what’s next. Leia waits, but finally she pulls the protein pack out of Jyn’s hand and unwraps it. As she does she points at the little white tablet in Jyn’s other hand.

“Swallow that, it’s an antibiotic.”

And that makes sense since her leg does look infected. It takes her a few moments before she can put the pill in her mouth and swallow it dry with a shudder. Then the unwrapped protein pack is pressed into her hand again.

“Now eat, you look like you need it,” she says and Jyn takes a bite of the stuff. Like most protein packs it tastes of almost nothing with an aftertaste of salt, like somebody thought to add some seasoning at the very last moment. It’s like a paste once it’s chewed and it’s hard to swallow, but Jyn manages it. The princess watches her take a few bites without saying anything.

She’s clearly young, younger than Jyn that’s for sure. But her eyes are keen and watchful. She reminds Jyn of the women she used to see in the Partisans, the ones who got the job done. They knew how to wait and watch and how to see what others didn’t. Sometimes one of them would try and teach Jyn a few things, she was young and a few took a liking to her.

Jyn never quite mastered their skills. She was never patient enough to wait.

She thinks of Cassian, asleep out in the main hold. He has that patience as well, that ability to wait.

Jyn is the one who finally speaks and the question feels like a non-sequitur to her own thoughts.

“Are there more of these in there?” she asks waving the protein pack a little. Leia glances over to it.

“There’s one more,” she replies and Jyn nods. Of course her stomach is only just remembering how achingly empty it is, but Jyn is no stranger to hunger. It’s been a lifelong companion. She takes one more big bite and gestures for the wrapper. Leia hands it over and Jyn uses it to messily wrap the rest of her pack and in response to the not-quite-question on Leia’s face she says,

“The rest is for Cassian and Bodhi needs to eat as well when he wakes up so…” she trails off but Leia seems to be hiding a smile as she nods and puts the leftover pack in the kit with everything else. She comes back with a bacta patch which she spreads over the seeping wound in Jyn’s leg and her smile is gone. She waits until Jyn pulls her trousers on and settles back on the ground before she says,

“I have to ask you some questions about what happened on the Death Star, is that alright?” and Jyn stares at her.

“Why?” she asks and Leia sighs, staring back at Jyn silently for a minute with something calculating and considering in her eyes.

“Have you given any thought to what will happen when we return to Yavin IV?” she asks and Jyn shrugs.

“Your people analyze the plans, find the Death Star’s weakness and destroy it,” she says and after a pause she adds

“Bodhi and Cassian go to your med facility.”

Leia nods and she looks sad for some reason, glancing away like the girl needs a break from looking at Jyn before she turns to her again.

“You mutinied against the Rebellion after accepting a military commission and rank from them. You led thirty something Rebellion soldiers on an unsanctioned mission that resulted in their deaths.”

_Bodies litter the beach, the smell of death fills her nose, choking her._

“And there is the possibility that your father is wrong about these plans, or they changed something without his knowledge and…”

Jyn stares at this girl feeling like she’s losing her equilibrium again.

Leia just looks bitter and sad.

“My point is, while you had very good intentions, some may view your actions in a poorer light. And if there are no flaws to be found in those plans than those actions could be considered as...”

Jyn’s throat is dry and her heart is pounding. The girl looks down and shakes her head.

“I’m sorry, I just think that there may be consequences and I may be able to help if I know a little more of what happened,” she says and of course there would be consequences. Jyn is not surprised at the idea that a punishment might await them…

It’s just she never thought that far ahead. Her entire focus had narrowed down to _getting those plans_ and destroying that space station. Nothing else mattered, anything else was a distraction.

From the moment Cassian came to her saying he wanted to help and so did the 30 men behind him, Jyn had been looking forwards and not back.

It was hard to even see past Scariff, until it was over.

And then it was finding the plans and the girl sitting before her.

She is not surprised by the idea of consequences. She simply forgot.

When she sits silently for long enough Leia asks, “Were you tortured for information aboard the Death Star?” Her tone is hard, but her eyes are sad and sober and Jyn manages to _not_ flinch.

There was a hand in her mind, a knife in her leg, that voice _demanding_ answers. Words seemed to lose their meaning or become harder to define in the face of that whirling centrifuge. She thinks she remembers the definition of torture...she thinks the answer to Leia’s question would be...yes.

She shudders and nods. Leia looks away for just a moment, like she needs a respite before asking, “Did you tell them anything?”

And Jyn has to think. She can feel her heart pounding as she tries to recall. There was a fortress in her mind with crumbling walls and attacks on all sides. Pain everywhere and hands in her mind, but she locked a few precious things away. Locked them away deep inside herself.

She doesn’t remember where the pain ended and the memories began.

She’s breathing too fast and her palms are sweating.

She doesn’t remember, there are gaps and if she tries too hard to fill those gaps.

She’s shaking and suddenly there’s a hand on her arm.

“Jyn, _Jyn,_ I’m sorry. If you can’t tell me it’s fine.”

Her eyes are checking every corner of the room, like maybe that shadow from her nightmares might be in them and she has to remind herself, she’s on the Millennium Falcon and _not_ the Death Star. She swallows hard and manages to say,

“I don’t think...I don’t think I told him anything...about the Rebellion.”

The next voice that speaks startles them both.

“Geez kid, they really did a number on you didn’t they?” They both turn to find Han leaning in the doorway.

“You could have knocked,” Leia says and for a moment she actually sounds her age, scolding and petulant.

Han smirks and replies, “My ship.”

“Shouldn’t you be piloting it?” Leia demands and he glares at her.

“Chewie’s _got it,"_  he says before looking at Jyn.

“Now what the hell happened?” he asks and Leia whirls to glare at him before turning to Jyn.

“You don’t need to answer him, we don’t need details if you’re--”

Jyn isn’t quite listening as she tries to think of an answer to Han’s question.

“...Vader, he…”

They stop talking instantly and Leia pales as she turns to her.

“You were questioned by _Darth Vader?"_

Unbidden, Jyn recollects some military man talking to Vader about how he failed in his interrogation of Princess Leia.

So she _knows,_  something in her eyes says she knows but Han is still staring at the two of them lacking any comprehension. She doesn’t look at him, she keeps her eyes on the girl waiting to see recognition.

“He...there was a needle and...Cassian says I was drugged and he was in my _mind_ and it _hurt._ ”

“ _Kriffing hell_ ,” Han swears turning away from them, “So she’s completely cracked then?” he demands of Leia, and Jyn wants both of them to just _stop._

For her part Leia whirls on him and says, “You know absolutely nothing, would you _shut up?_ ”

Before she turns back to Jyn with a renewed calm in place and an intense stare pinning her where she sits.

“And you said you didn’t give up anything about the Rebellion? How?”

“Saw Garrera and the Partisans trained me to withstand mental probes,” she mumbled and Leia looks troubled or saddened.

Han’s still gaping at them both as he asks, “What does _that_ mean?”

Leia spins to again to shoot Han a venomous look before facing Jyn.

“I’m sorry you had to experience that. I briefly experienced Vader’s questioning and it was...horrible.”

Jyn nods, glancing between her and Han expecting one of them to jump in with more to say, but Han simply stands, arms folded, looking frustrated. None of them speak for several moments. Eventually, Leia takes a breath and says,

“You know, no matter how this all turns out, I want to say thank you...for what you did on Scariff _and_ the Death Star. If it all goes well, you will have saved all our lives.”

Jyn flinches a little as Leia’s words land somewhere that still feels hollow and raw. Somewhere with the debris left over from Jedha, Scariff, and Alderaan.

 _“You can stand to see the Imperial flag reign across the galaxy?”_ Saw once asked her.

Maybe those millions of souls would have suffered lesser fates if she had looked up a little sooner.

“You’re from Alderaan aren’t you?” she asks, her voice coming out rough and ragged. Leia looks at her with surprise and nods.

“Then don’t thank me,” Jyn says and she means it, even as her words land hard between them. Leia is looking at her closely, as though seeing something for the first time.

In the doorway Han is watching her and he looks almost angry, at what she can’t say for sure. Finally he sighs and the look is smoothed away, replaced with that easy smirk.

“Now that we got that fun chat out of the way, your captain is up,” Han says, jerking a thumb behind him towards the main hold.

In an instant she grabs that leftover half of a protein pack, gets to her feet and staggers out the door leaving them both behind.

\---

Cassian dreams of burnt bodies on a beach and Jyn cuffed to a chair bruised, bloody, and dead. Half memories and half nightmares and when the dreams recede, he bursts into wakefulness with a start. His eyes fly open and his lungs pull in a gasp of air that quickly becomes a wheeze. Whatever parts of his rib broke again seem to have swollen and suddenly it’s become a lot harder to breathe.

Not to mention it hurts like hell.

The second thing he notices an instant after the pain is the fact that Jyn is gone. His arms are empty and suddenly his heart is pounding. She’s been bleeding and disoriented and he can’t shake the image of her slumped over corpse in that chair. _Where did she go?_

His eyes glance around into every corner and _she’s not there._ Bodhi is still asleep, resting his head on the farm boy’s shoulder and he’s asleep as well and _Jyn’s not here._

A small voice reminds him, it’s not like she could wander far on a bad leg in an enclosed vessel in space, but that fact doesn’t seem very comforting at the moment. He can’t shake the feeling that he missed something. There’s been an event, a timeline, a deadline...an urgency hounding them since Jedha and he feels like something new must have happened while he was stupid enough to sleep and he needs to know what it is.

He tries to sit up and has to screw his eyes shut at that pain. Now that the adrenaline is gone, he feels his aches far too keenly.

Cassian glances around the room again as if the walls might hold the answers to his questions. Instead he sees the smuggler Han Solo, standing in the doorway to the hall that leads back to the cockpit. Cassian doesn’t know how long Han’s been standing there leaning against the doorframe, watching him with a frown.

“Do you know where Jyn is?” Cassian demands of him sounding rough in his own ears. Han frowns some more looking slightly incredulous.

He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again. Finally he folds his arms and says, “I don’t know what she sees in you, _captain_.”

Cassian can hear the judgement in his tone and he can’t really bring himself to care about why this man feels the need to look down at him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, do you know where she is?” he asks and he sounds panicked. He sounds like all those contacts in the field that he told to calm down before shooting them in the back. He nearly died a few days ago and that is still a fact he can’t reckon with. Nor the strange kindness of an old man who sacrificed himself for all of them.

If K-2 were here, he would tell Cassian to get a grip.

He braces his hand against the wall to try and push himself upright. He barely gets his feet under him and he’s already wheezing. He glances back at Han who has gone from incredulous to something else.

“Kriffing hell, you’re just as bad as she is,” Han says in some dawning realization that Cassian barely notices. He’s still trying to find his feet.

“...just sit here and try not  to keel over, I’ll go find her,” Han says in a way that sounds like an attempt at placating, he waves a hand at Cassian and his efforts to illustrate his point before walking away. He does not give Cassian a chance to reply before he’s down the hall and out of sight.

Cassian takes a breath and tries to shake the images of corpses from his mind, but they are stuck fast. He should have stayed awake rather than let his mind try to sort through everything while he slept.

He rallies himself and tries again to push himself upright, when he hears a whir and a beep somewhere behind him. He glances behind him to see the R2 unit activate with a curious worried sound. It’s next action is to immediately go bump into the golden protocol droid who comes out of his low-power mode with an indignant squawk.

“I say R2 what has gotten into you?” the droid demands and Cassian can’t seem to push himself upright or allow himself to drop down to the floor. He crouches, still half bent over, gasping for breath.

The R2 unit lets out some soft noises of binary distress and he hears the gold droid let out a soft _“Oh my,”_ before his metallic clattering steps bring him to stand somewhere behind Cassian.

“Mr. Andor, I really do believe it would be better if you remain seated,” C-3PO says and for a moment Cassian stops trying to push himself upright so he can shoot the golden droid a dirty look.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Andor, I’m just trying to be of service,” the droid says, sounding very put out.

Then a voice behind both of them says, “Cassian, what are you doing? _Sit down!_ ” It’s Jyn trying to be quiet but so obviously distressed her words come out like a hiss between her teeth.

Cassian finally stops pushing to look at her. Just the sight of her steadies him like a drowning man’s first breath of air. The fear and tension exhale out of him in one long whooshing breath leaving him feeling weak and exhausted. He uses that hand on the wall to try and steady a boneless slide back to the ground. Jyn is beside him in almost an instant with a hand on his arm to try and steady his descent.

Jyn shoots a look at the droid who totters away to sit in a corner making quiet objections the whole way. The R2 unit goes back to sit beside Bodhi and the boy.

Jyn kneels beside him and takes her time getting down to sitting on the ground shoulder to shoulder him.

“What the hell were you trying to do? _You can barely stand up,_ ” she says breathlessly and wincing as she stretches out her bad leg in front of her. Cassian is still staring at her. Jyn alone can’t fix all the facts that need to be reckoned with. The Alliance is still waiting for them and she’s looking back at him with an equally sober expression. He can only guess what’s on her mind but just looking at her helps to dispel some of the grisly images he dreamed about.

She’s still waiting for an answer to her question and he does his best to reply.

“I didn’t know where you were...I got worried,” he says and she stares at him with a look he can’t quite make out or define.

“Sorry,” he adds and she shakes her head.

“Please don’t say sorry,” she says and he sighs a little.

“You did first,” he murmurs and suddenly her gaze goes laser focused.

“When?” she asks and he has a feeling he touched a sore spot. He wants to explain but the memory of the cold sterile darkness of the Death Star and her bleeding crimson everywhere...She apologized after nearly dying and he’s been apologizing ever since. He wants to help her understand but his throat closes against the memory and she stares at him waiting for an instant longer before she takes his hand and looks away.

It feels like an acquiescence. Maybe it’s a lot less than that.

A minute or two pass in silence before she says,

“Leia woke me up to take a look at my leg and freshen the bandages and stuff.”

Cassian wonders at what that ‘stuff’ might have entailed given his earlier conversation with the princess. He almost asks when she lets out a soft, _‘oh,’_ and lets go of his hand to dig around in her pocket.

She comes back with a slightly squished half of a protein pack which she presses into his hand.

“Eat, there’s another one saved for Bodhi,”

He unwraps it looking away from her now and still trying to shake the remnants of that dream.

Cassian has always been good under pressure. In a crisis he thinks clearly and can make the hard decisions when he has to.

It’s in the quiet and the calm when all his demons come out. When the world gets silent around him, his mind becomes a minefield of things he would rather not think about.

Right now he can’t shake the imagined terror from that dream or the very real terror from the Death Star. If after all that there is no flaw in the plans they will all die. All of this will have been for nothing and they will die burning like they nearly did on Scariff. The thought makes his stomach roll.

He stares down at his hands and half expects to see them red and raw, like Scariff marked him for life but his skin is clear and smooth.

He’s not sure he could keep something down if he ate right now, even the pain in his ribs is making him nauseous. He pockets the leftover pack and hears her beside him,

“Cassian…” she says and it sounds almost like an admonishment.

“Jyn, you’re right and I need to eat but…” he trails off and swallows hard. The image of her in that chair, staring at him with unfocused eyes comes to him again sending chills up his spine. He looks at her now and her eyes are clear and watching him with concern.

“I’m alright Jyn...I’ll eat later, I promise. Just...not right now,” he says haltingly and attempting to be reassuring. Her eyes pin him in place but something seems to soften as she looks him over. Force knows what she’s seeing.

Finally she nods and leans against him again. It’s an assent or a relenting of sorts. She must see the cracks in his foundation that mirror her own. She must recognize what’s broken and is simply allowing it to be.

She looks around the room this time and her eyes linger on Bodhi and the boy.

“What do you make of that?” she asks him softly and he can’t help but smile a little at the pair of them looking so peaceful.

“I’m not sure they know what to make of it yet,” he says quietly and she huffs out a small laugh and shakes her head.

“Well I think it’s nice...whatever it is…” she says and they both settle back onto the ground. It’s been a few hours since they left what used to be Alderaan. It will be a few more before they reach Yavin IV. Shortly after Han moves across the hold heading towards the cockpit. He pointedly ignores them both while Leia moves to sit gracefully at the table beside C-3PO. The droid instantly perks up and begins talking to her. She nods at the droid but her eyes settle on him and Jyn with a knowing look.

The Rebellion is waiting for them and their own actions have painted targets on their backs.

They can only hope that Galen truly succeeded in his personal vendetta or else they are all dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy howdy I hope you like the people having talks chapter. I hope Cassian didn't get too OOC for that minute and also...even when Han kinda means well he can be a dick because he thinks feelings are gross and having them makes him grumpy.
> 
> In other things I pecked away at this chapter all week long on vacation but I also FINALLY read the Rogue One novelization. I made a few notes for things in future chapters. It was a real good extra primer for Mon Mothma, Raddus, and Draven.
> 
> Also while trapped on a plane, for brainstorming and such I reread the first few chapters of this on my kindle and GOOD LORD THOSE TYPOS. I used an online grammar checker to just scan my early chapters before Jimmy-Rustled-Bird started helping me out because there was kinda a lot, I really appreciate y'all reading in spite of that many error. (Pockers instead of pockets was my favorite)
> 
> And on the future of this fic stuff, I am tentatively writing down MANY ideas for continuing through Empire Strikes Back. I CANNOT COMMIT TO DOING THIS THROUGH THE WHOLE TRILOGY because that is A LOT. But I am really thinking about doing Empire and if I do this would become a 'series' on AO3 and I would make that be like a part 2 to this.


	31. If We Go Down (Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fixed up using that grammar checker software because Jimmy Rustled Bird's real busy with life at the moment, but thanks as always dude, your feedback is invaluable!

 

_If we go down then we go down together_   
_They'll say you could do anything_   
_They'll say that I was clever_   
_Let's show them we are better_

_—Paris, The Chainsmokers_

\---

For a long time Jyn thought she was the only one who could possibly feel this way. Like she was a jigsaw puzzle made from broken glass. That every loss in her life was another pound of flesh ripped from her skin.

Over time she learned that many had lost more than she and many had still managed to get back up when she was still down. If she learned nothing else with the Partisans, she learned how to get back up again and again. She learned that her pains were only a small piece in a larger world and that meant very little to some people and nothing at all to everyone else.

In the years that followed, she learned many more things from the Partisans and from the time spent making her way in the harsh galaxy alone. But those two lessons were some of the most important ones she ever learned.

Even now she knows that everyone on this ship is dealing with issues she can hardly comprehend, especially when the chaos of her own mind overwhelms almost anything else. She knows that Cassian was _very_ upset earlier, although she’s not exactly sure why. But she recognizes the sharp edges and broken glass enough to not ask. They both are riddled with holes of different kinds and she’s having a hard enough time managing her own without questioning his. At the moment Cassian still looks tired in spite of their rest earlier. He looks exhausted and like he’s fighting sleep… Or maybe sleep is fighting him.

She’s not tired now, Leia’s questions seared sleep away and her nerves are as tightly wound as a bowstring. She sits and stares at nothing and waits for the inevitable moment to come, but time always moves slower when one waits for it.

\---

“The proximity alert just went off, we’ll be in orbit in about 10 minutes,” Han announces from the doorway.

“Well, it’s about time,” C-3PO declares from his spot beside Leia, who had clearly stopped listening to him chatter an hour ago without the droid noticing.

“Princess, do you need to call them so we don’t get shot out of the sky?” Han asks Leia and she shakes her head.

“I’ll comm them when we’re in orbit,” she says and he nods, briefly all business. That’s when both of them turn to look at Jyn and Cassian where they remain seated on the floor. She’s resting her shoulder against his and their hands are crowded together between them. At their stare, Jyn herself can’t help but glance over at the man beside her and finds his eyes meeting her own.

There’s nothing to say to the unspoken questions being aimed at them. She has no words in her for them or for the man beside her. There are no words of inspiration or comfort. Nothing to express the tumult of how she feels.

Cassian gazes at her, his dark eyes heavy with that familiar stormy look. She can only imagine what he’s feeling as his hand tightens around hers.

Han is the one who breaks the silence.

“It’s not too late to run,” Han says in a voice that’s almost gentle. Like a suggestion he thinks they haven’t thought of. From beside Bodhi, R2-D2 lets out a low sad hum. Leia glares at Han from her seat before turning back to them,

“I wouldn’t advise it, but I would respect your choice if you did,” she says carefully and Jyn sighs, feeling Cassian’s eyes boring into her as she says,

“Even if Bodhi wasn’t injured, what would be the point of running? We made a choice and...”

She trails off trying to find the words to express what she doesn’t fully understand.

She remembers Cassian’s eyes crinkling at the corners as he whispered, _‘Welcome home.’_ She remembers Bodhi’s shaking hands as he talked about trying to make things right. She remembers the years without anything to hold her down and she remembers the nights spent haunted and alone.

“I won’t run,” she finally says, looking at him and Leia, feeling Cassian’s hand around hers and not looking at him.

“I won’t,” she says and Han is staring at her like a strange foreign object and Leia stares with an almost smile tipped with something harder edged. Finally, she looks over at Cassian and she wants to ask him something, but she’s not sure what.

“ _All the way,”_ he said to her once and she thinks of that now as the others sit silently. She finally looks away to glance over at Bodhi and Luke. She’s not sure when the farm boy woke up, but he’s watching their whole exchange tight-lipped and bright-eyed. Bodhi still rests against him looking paler than she’d like. Suddenly R2 lets out another whistle and Bodhi jerks awake with a gasp.

Jyn shares a glance with Cassian before she untangles herself from him. Standing hurts like hell, but she does it anyway so she can limp over to Bodhi and the boy. Luke is staring at Bodhi with something like concerned alarm, hands reaching out, but not touching him as he sits gasping for breath slumped back against the bench. She wants to say something as she painfully kneels down beside him, but it feels like everyone in the room is watching. She looks briefly back at Leia, and to the woman’s credit, she seems to grasp it immediately.

She gets to her feet and murmurs to Han,

“I think it’s time to comm the base,” she says and she yanks the man from the room. And that’s much more manageable. She doesn’t mind Cassian eavesdropping where he sits, since he can hardly come over and speak with Bodhi himself. She can manage Luke sitting and staring at them for the moment.

The first thing she does is look down at Bodhi’s bandaged arm. Reaching out she pulls it towards her gently for a better look, Bodhi twists in her direction to let her. She can hear his wince at her touch and she glances at him apologetically. In the dingy light of the Falcon she can see that his makeshift cast is almost entirely soaked through to the point that the bandages have gone almost spongy in places. She grimaces and releases his arm as carefully as possible, her hands come away red.

Looking up into his face, she can see his tawny skin is looking almost gray and her stomach tightens at how obviously drained he is. The sleep has done very little for him while he’s still bleeding through whatever Luke did to patch him up.

She glances at Luke where he still sits watching them uncertainly, glancing over at Cassian or the droids.

“Hey Luke,” she says, leaning a little to be seen from her spot kneeling beside Bodhi. He turns back to her looking distinctly startled or possibly alarmed. Like a person who just touched a live wire by accident.

“You did good with him,” she nods at Bodhi, “Thanks.”

That only seems to flummox him more, but he slowly responds,

“You’re welcome,” his eyes flicking between her and Bodhi and when he has nothing else to say she nods once.

“Okay, now scatter, I need a few minutes with him.”

At that, Bodhi seems to wake a little more to raise his brows at her. He attempts a smile in Luke’s direction like he’s trying to soften her demand. Luke glances between them once more before getting up off the bench and practically racing for the cockpit.

Jyn stares after him feeling almost amused.

“Well, he’s a good listener, I’ll give him that,” she mutters and Bodhi huffs out a quiet laugh beside her.

“Ms. Erso, shall I vacate the premises as well?” C-3PO asks from his seat across the room.

“I don’t particularly care 3PO,” she replies over her shoulder, “Do as you like.”

The droid lets out an offended, _“I say”_ behind her, but she’s no longer listening. For his part Bodhi is looking across the way to where Cassian sits watching them. She can see the silent acknowledgment between them in the way Cassian tilts his chin and Bodhi smiles crookedly. She pushes herself up and moves around to the other side of the bench so she can sit beside him. The R2 unit rolls up to park beside her with a soft whistle and she’s momentarily distracted by it.

She remembers once resting a hand on it gingerly, like it was a fragile breakable thing. The droid beeps at her and Bodhi chuckles beside her. When he speaks, his normal stuttering are almost smoothed out or slowed down by his exhaustion.

“They’re w...worried about us,” he murmurs and something about that makes her smile unevenly at the droid.

“The plans are in there,” she says in half question and half statement pointing at the droids access panel. She’s fairly certain she remembers that and a glance back shows Bodhi nodding in affirmation. The droid rolls forward to bump against her palm and she absently lets her hand rest atop their dome like she did before, moving it in small circles like stroking a pet.

Bodhi watches her with tired eyes. When she faces him again, his eyes light up a fraction as he reaches with his good hand to point at her collarbone.

“You got your necklace back,” he says softly, his finger close to poking the old leather string of her crystal necklace. She glances down at the kyber crystal where it rests against her sternum.

“Yeah, I did,” she says.

“Th...that’s good,” he says and he smiles drowsily at her. She tries to smile back with mixed success.

“How are you feeling?” she asks quietly and with his good arm he shrugs.

“It only hurts if I m-move or touch it or...” he trails off and she nods.

“Well, we’re almost to Yavin IV so hopefully you get seen to very soon,” she says and he’s watching her now.

“Any idea what’s going to happen when w...we land?” he asks and she shakes her head right as Leia enters the room again and announces,

“We’ll be landing in a few minutes.”

“Who did you speak to?” Cassian asks from his position on the floor.

“Draven,” she replies and before Cassian can ask his next question she seems to answer it.

“He gave me no clear indication of what to expect when we arrive,” she says and Cassian sighs a little.

“Is that bad news or really bad news?” Jyn asks and Leia looks almost bleak. Her hands curl into fists to hide the tremor in them.

“It could mean almost anything with Draven,” Cassian says from his spot on the floor and she glances back at Bodhi beside her seeing a tired reflection of her anxiety staring back at her.

She’s not regretting her choice, she has no desire to turn back. Yet it sits on her like a weight. She does not know what is coming and yet she must walk into it, eyes open. She can only hope she doesn’t burn for it. She bites the inside of her cheek until it bleeds but that does nothing to relieve the tension in her spine.

She stands up roughly because she needs to _move._ She isn’t running, but the stillness and the waiting are eating at her. Making an unsteady path, she walks over to Leia, standing in the doorway.

“Keep an eye on them, I’ll be back,” she says and with a nod to Cassian and Bodhi she leaves the room. As she turns down the hall one last glance shows Leia sitting beside Bodhi and taking a careful look at his arm.

As she heads towards the cockpit at a painful, limping pace, she hears the conversation from that room floating down the hall.

“It can’t possibly be that bad can it?” the boy is asking.

“Those sorts of people have rules for a reason kid, they’re fond of ‘em and they don’t take it well when people break them,” Han replies and Chewie howls in agreement.

“But they were trying to help people, weren’t they? How could they be punished for that?” Luke asks.

“Because the ‘good guys’ are never that good and they make no sense,” Han answers right as Jyn turns the corner and enters the cockpit. They all stop and stare at her as she makes her way to the empty seat and collapses into it with relief.

“Should you be cruising around on that leg?” Han asks her with a raised eyebrow and Jyn sighs.

“I needed to do something other than sit and wait,” she says. Luke is watching her nervously.

“You can go back and sit with Bodhi again if you’d like,” she tells him quietly and his eyes widen a little.

“Oh, I didn’t um...” he trails off and she flaps a hand at him.

“Do as you like, it makes no difference to me,” she says and Han’s watching her too.

“You know, you don’t have to go to the Alliance,” he says and it sounds like an offer.

“If all that’s waiting for you with them is a cell, it would make sense to hightail it as far from here as you can get,” he says she realizes now this is what concern looks like. She remembers when she thought this way, but a lot has changed since then.

“It might make sense, I still won’t do it,” she tells him softly and he gapes at her, clearly baffled.

“Why not?” he asks and she can feel Luke watching her as well. She gets to her feet unsteadily and shrugs.

“Maybe you’ll figure it out someday,” she says and Chewie lets out a low growl, reaching back to pat her arm with one of his big hairy paws.

“Thanks Chewie,” she says and she’s not in the least bit calm, but she sounds it at least, so that’s something.

She feels shaky as she takes a step back, wanting to sit with Cassian and Bodhi again while there’s still time.

“You know people like them won’t give a damn about what you did,” Han tells her and she can feel herself quake a little, like she’s in sync with the vibrations of the ship itself.

“Well good, I didn’t do it for them.”

\---

She’s halfway down the hall when footsteps make her turn and it’s Luke jogging up beside her. He hesitates at her look, ducking his head and peering at her through his hair. She huffs out an almost laugh and waves him forward.

“Come on then, no need to stand there like a laser brain,” she tells him ruefully and he immediately straightens to meet her gaze with a nod and moves to walk beside her.

She’s still walking slowly, her steps uneven and painful. He is clearly trying to keep pace, but he’s full of too much nervous energy. He keeps glancing at her, clearly wanting to move faster, but probably trying not to be rude. Or maybe it’s something else entirely that’s stopping him from running ahead. Maybe it’s the questions he has for her.

His curiosity is so obvious it may as well be printed above his head. She waits for him to say something, but he doesn’t. He just keeps looking at her, bleeding nervousness from his pores. Her calm is fragile at best and patience is not her strong suit.

“What?” she asks finally, it comes out sharper than she meant it to.

“Doesn’t it hurt? … When you walk I mean?” he blurts out.

“Yes,” she replies through gritted teeth, “Next question?”

“Do you need help? I could maybe...”

“No,” she drawls and he’s quiet, still carefully keeping pace with her limping gait. Finally he looks at her sidelong and asks,

“You’re not very nice are you?” and she lets out a rough guffaw.

“No, I’m not.” she says as dry as the Tatooine desert, “You catch on fast, don’t you?” Luke doesn’t laugh, just continues to look thoughtful as he says,

“But your friends like you a lot,” and she glances at him.

“Yes, they have terrible taste in friends,” she agrees wryly.

He looks at her in a way that’s almost incisive. For a moment he reminds her of the old Jedi kneeling before her with gentle eyes that stared straight through her.

“No, I don’t think they do,” Luke tells her and she can only stare at him in stunned silence. They are nearing the end of the hall and she can see Bodhi and Leia still sitting together and Cassian sits alone against the wall.

“I guess we’ll see,” she murmurs as the ship shudders around them with the telltale signs of its final descent into the atmosphere of Yavin IV.

At last, it seems they’ve arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Bodhi are just good soft boys aren't they? I just wanted to hug them both in this chapter for being real cute. Also R2 is basically a robot puppy with no gender right? We're all cool with that? I kinda like it. This was like a whole chapter of people being pretty sweet with each other which is nice because the next few chapters are gonna be less nice so enjoy the breather, I sure did.
> 
> For those who are in love with Riz Ahmed as much as I am I highly recommend googling his rap battle on James Corden (How can he be normal height and yet SO SMOL!! He's a tall smol and it's ADORABLE). I'm at the point now where I cry MORE watching Rogue One now than I did in the theater(I did not cry at all...I had a lot of feelings but I didn't cry) Now between reading and writing fic I am A WRECK watching this god damn movie.
> 
> And for those who want this story to continue beyond A New Hope PART 2 HAS A TITLE. Of Starlight and Stardust. That will be the Empire Strikes back bit. I'm basically operating under the assumption that I'll write that and see where it takes me and THEN I'll decide about what to do with Return of the Jedi if I want to go there or not. I have a few ideas for Empire that are VERY GOOD AND I AM SO EXCITED FOR CLOUD CITY.


	32. Empires Made of Paper (Bodhi/Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...um sorry? In advance? I guess?????  
>  Thank you to Jimmy Rustled Bird for notes and feedback as always.

_I saw a city crumbling into the mouth of_   
_a many-headed beast. The beast was not_   
_the terror, she was my cousin; the terror_   
_was the sudden knowing that all_   
_empires are made of paper and  
damned religions._

_—Uhmareka, Collapse: Two, Sasha Banks_

\---

Everyone is tense, the air in the room is almost thick with it, like humidity in the air on Eadu before a rainstorm. Bodhi sits in his seat, breathing in this air and it feels a little like drowning.

Princess Leia is definitely nervous. Which is an odd thing to notice in a girl Bodhi hardly knows, but somehow he can _tell._ Her foot is tapping against the grating of the floor and her eyes are hard and focused in some faraway thought. She was talking to Bodhi for a while after Jyn left the room, once she came back with Luke, Leia went quiet and thoughtful… And distinctly on edge.

Luke hasn’t talked much, but he’s sitting on Bodhi’s other side, almost shoulder to shoulder. Every few minutes he’ll ask a question like _“How are you feeling?”_

Like the pilot… Or maybe… tired… He’s so bone tired and he knows why with a thick bandage on his arm that feels almost spongy with blood. He’s exhausted and he knows he must look bad because of the way Leia and Luke keep looking at him…

They look at him like they’re expecting him to fall into a coma and die while they _aren’t_ looking.

It’s hard to tell if Cassian is nervous, his face seems permanently marked with discontent. He’s riddled with lines made from pain and frustration. He’s not happy, that’s for certain and those lines seem to deepen when he looks at Bodhi or at Jyn beside him. He’s clearly in some amount of discomfort, every breath he takes seems to be a trial. He’s pale and there’s a sheen of sweat on his skin.

He knows Jyn is on edge. Even now with some rest she’s jittery and twitchy in a way that is painfully familiar. Even without that, he knows her well enough to recognize that she’s worried. For the short time he’s known her, she’s been a gallery of contrasts. When one thing is harsh, the other is kind. This time it was a flinty look in her eyes and the gentlest hands grasping his bandaged arm to survey the damage.

The only thing she told him was that she didn’t know what to expect when they landed.

He believes her on that point, Jyn has not been one for falsehoods, but he thinks she might be withholding something. They’ll all know soon enough.

As soon as Jyn came back into the room with Luke she looked at him with scrap metal eyes before going to sit with Cassian. As soon as she settled beside him she took his hand and held it between both of her own. They don’t look at each other, but Cassian’s eyes crinkled at the edges and he leaned over just a fraction, to bump his shoulder into hers.

It was like watching people smile without their mouths.

Now she sits, pale and still. The bruises on her face and neck stand out on her skin like unwanted stamps from their journey as the ship rocks and bumps before coming to a sudden heavy halt.

They’ve landed.

\---

It feels very final when the Falcon makes its descent into Yavin IV. Cassian isn’t so much calm as he is resigned.

He doesn’t regret what he did… Mostly he doesn’t regret what he did. If the plans truly work the way Galen Erso said they would, he will regret almost nothing at all. Too many people have died or been damaged for him to feel no remorse.

It would have been nice to come out of this clean, but his life has never been that easy or clear cut, and so he’s prepared for the consequences that may land on him. He’s less prepared for what may fall on his friends for their involvement.

He watches Jyn staring at nothing, looking so far away, he can’t begin to guess where she is in her mind. She’s still holding his hand in her lap, one thumb absently stroking his palm even as the ship shudders while it breaks into Yavin IV’s atmosphere.

It’s only when the ship finally hits the dirt with a thud that she freezes like carbonite, her eyes swerving to land on his with a laser-like focus. His eyes linger on the rough bruising around her right eye. Neither of them speak as they hear the telltale sounds of the ship coming to a full stop and the engine switching off.

She breaks away first, getting to her feet like a stringless puppet, all weak awkward limbs. Leia steps up to try and help and Jyn shakes her off with a look.

For his part Cassian feels like one solid ache. Every part of him hurts and his chest feels like it’s being stabbed every time he takes a deep breath. Getting up is going to hurt and Jyn must know it from the way she looks at him. Carefully, she bends down to give him a hand up. He reaches up with a wince, wrapping his hand around her forearm, she does the same with his and then she pulls. He can see her face twisting in a pained grimace and it must match his own as she pulls him upright. Once he’s up, he staggers with a lack of equilibrium. Jyn wordlessly steps in beside him and wraps his arm around her shoulders. Her other arm goes around his waist and he remembers when he did this with her...it was probably yesterday.

“I can help,” Leia offers like a pointed suggestion, her brows furrowed as she watches them.

Jyn looks as tired as he feels when she looks at Leia and says,

“No, you need to go out first.”

Leia stares before nodding and looking away.

Tactically it makes sense, of all of them on the ship, Leia is the one they might listen to or at least the one they will be careful with when it comes to weapons.

Next, Jyn looks at Bodhi and Luke.

“You,” she jerks her chin at Luke, “Help him.”

And Bodhi is watching them both, his eyes wide and shadowed. He looks almost gray and boneless slumped in his seat beside the farm boy. But he says nothing to Jyn’s command and maybe he doesn’t feel the need. There is a fierce gentleness in the way Jyn looks at Bodhi and something softens in his eyes like a reply. When he looks at Cassian it’s like some unspoken mutual agreement passes between them. Cassian’s not sure what they are agreeing to, perhaps continued survival. Still, he agrees.

If anything this entire mission has taught him, he’ll agree to almost anything when it comes to these people. He’s never had people before, K-2 was the closest thing he had to a family or friend for years and he still feels that absence keenly, but this is different.

Solo is back in the doorway watching them with Chewie beside him. The wookiee lets out a growl and Jyn cranes her head to stare at them.

“You guys and the droids come out last. They shouldn’t care about you, but if you try to hide they will surely think you two are up to something,” she tells them and there’s something bone dry in her tone that suggests maybe they are always up to something.

“Just come out with your hands up in case they’re feeling twitchy.”

C-3PO, who has been sitting silently, lets out a quiet _‘Oh my,’_ and R2-D2 hums out a low worried sound.

“Kid, that is not what I like to hear,” Han tells her with his arms folded and Jyn look at him with her brows shooting into her hairline.

“Well, you can dislike it and live or do something stupid and get shot. I was hoping you’d prefer the former, but you’re free to do as you like,” she says and Han’s raising his hands like he’s practicing surrender.

“Easy kid, I’m just stating facts here,” he says and Cassian wonders if he missed something when Leia steps in.

“None of us like this, but it is what it is,” she says firmly and then it seems they’ve all run out of things to say.

“I’ll see you out there,” Leia finally says before turning and heading out. They can hear the sound of her footsteps down the hall and the hiss of air when the door unseals to extend the exit ramp down to the ground.

A few minutes pass and Luke gets up first, going around to Bodhi’s side as the pilot slowly drags himself upright. He wobbles a little once he’s standing and Luke steps in to pull his good arm over his shoulders. They both look at Jyn, matching expressions of a very young sort of fear. Jyn looks back at them, taut and pale. Finally she says,

“Bodhi, just remember you survived Jedha _and_ the Death Star… You can survive this,” and her words sound hard as stone, like she is dictating to him, but somehow Bodhi takes a deep breath and nods. She looks at Luke and simply inclines her head and he nods back like he understands.

They watch the pair leave and as soon as they’re gone, Han asks in the silence, “What is with you bunch and Jedha? It’s just some moon you guys escaped right?” Han asks and both Cassian and Jyn turn to look at him.

“It’s his home planet. His city was the one the Empire chose to destroy,” Jyn tells him sounding almost brittle and her words Han stills, his eyes going wide.

“Not that anything could survive on that planet after that level of destruction. Jedha is as good as dead even if it wasn’t blown to pieces like Alderaan,” Cassian adds and it’s hard truths like this one that make it hard to sleep at night. He almost feels sorry for the smuggler who clearly understands so little about their current situation.

“Just let them do whatever security they need to do and then you can run as far as you’re able,” Jyn tells him before turning away to look at Cassian.

It’s their turn now.

Distantly they can hear the muted sounds of voices outside. It’s impossible to distinguish tone or words from inside the ship.

“Are you with me?” she asks him softly.

“All the way,” he replies with a grin that feels strained at the edges but no less honest for it.

Walking is harder than standing with her bad leg and his bad everything else. Somehow they manage to stagger down the hall and to the exit ramp.

In the doorway they can see the wet greens and browns of Yavin IV. The humid air hits like a slap in the face and waiting at the bottom of the ramp are Alliance soldiers with blasters aimed right at them.

Leia is in front of General Draven talking low and fast. Luke and Bodhi are at the bottom of the ramp, Luke has the hand not holding Bodhi upright, suspended in the air. Bodhi is half sagged against him and a soldier calls out.

“I said, _hands up_.”

He can feel Jyn shaking against him as they stagger down the ramp.

“You two as well, _hands in the air.”_

Cassian can’t tell which of the soldiers is speaking but once he’s on solid ground, he untangles himself from Jyn.

“It will go easier if we do what they say,” he murmurs and now he can hear Leia and Draven.

“This is an unnecessary show of force General. You can hold them in the med bay, but _you do not need to detain them like this,_ ” she’s practically sparking, she’s so furious.

“Ma’am, the only reason you are not being detained as well is out of respect for your late father and his position on this council. You have knowingly led the Empire here on the smallest chance that Galen Erso succeeded in his vendetta. The council was not easily _convinced_ in this matter.”

Jyn stumbles a few steps away from Cassian with her hands in the air and her eyes darting in every direction. She’s breathing too fast and he wants to tell her it will be okay. He can’t without making a liar of himself so he stands and raises his hands in the air and just tries to keep breathing. The ground feels a little uneven beneath him and that could be from the muddy earth or his own exhaustion. A glance behind him shows Bodhi and Luke following their lead as Luke slowly steps away from Bodhi with wide fearful eyes. Bodhi wobbles as he raises his good hand up in the air and keeps the bad arm curled at his chest.

This seems to be the signal the soldiers were waiting for as several move forward with restraints. He watches one of them yank Jyn’s arms back behind her hard enough to hurt and she looks at him, pale and afraid. He’s getting a similar treatment, although it feels gentler. Hands being pulled back carefully before the restraints are put on.

Then a yelp has them both turning around as one of the soldier grabs at Bodhi’s bad arm and he flinches away.

“Hey, _hey._ He’s hurt, look at his arm,” Jyn calls over straining against the soldier who holding her in place. Cassian’s tired. It’s taking so much to just stand, but he watches Draven, silently pleading that this man do the right thing instead of the smart thing.

“ _Hey be careful!_ ” she yells as the soldier ignores her and pulls Bodhi’s uninjured arm behind his back before reaching again for the bandaged one. Luke watches small and pale, the white of his tunic now marred with a swatch of bloody red. Leia turns away from the general to see and looks back at him with frost in her voice and fire in her eyes.

“General, he needs medical attention _now_ , that arm is broken.”

“ _You’re hurting him,_ ” Jyn yells pulling against the soldier’s hold. The soldier forces her down and she lets out a cry as her knees hit the dirt. At the same time the soldier detaining Bodhi successfully yanks his bandaged arm away from his chest. Bodhi goes bone white, eyes rolling back, he drops to the ground like a stone.

Cassian is forced to his knees and Jyn screams, fighting against her restraints.

Leia is shouting at the general and behind him Han and the wookiee stand at the base of the Falcon’s exit ramp with their hands in the air, watching the scene with wide eyes.

“Jyn, _Jyn, don’t fight them,_ ” Cassian yells or tries to and ends up gasping for breath, it hurts to be heard over the din around them.

Jyn doesn’t hear him, struggling like mad against the soldier holding her. She either doesn’t see or doesn’t care when he pulls out his blaster again and Cassian tries to fight the soldier holding him.

“ _Jyn you have to stop!_ ” he calls out, but she still doesn’t hear him. Small mercies come when he watches the soldier flick the switch to stun before he shoots her.

She falls limp to the ground and he turns to look at Leia where she stands looking smaller than he’s ever seen her. Tight-lipped with her hands fisted at her sides. Something in her eyes is clearly pleading with him to be careful like he was begging Jyn to be. The soldier behind him curses under his breath.

Cassian doesn’t want to be careful now. Just once he wants to scream and rage like a wild thing, but he has always been one to do the smart thing. Even when the smart thing feels like shit.

“Do like you were telling the girl and I won’t have to drag you to a cell,” the soldier behind him whispers in his ear and a glance back gives him a shock. The familiar face of Kes Dameron watches him mournfully beneath the security uniform. He doesn’t know the man well, they’ve traded a few words in the mess hall but still. It somehow stings worse to know the man taking him captive.

“General,” Cassian calls as loudly as he can, his breath is starting to come in gasps.

“Would you please take them to medical, I’ll sit in a cell as long as you like, but they need help.”

“They _all_ need medical attention,” Leia says, seething where she stands.

“I thought you all were supposed to be the good guys,” Han says from where he still stands with his hands up.

“And who are they?” Draven demands like he finally noticed them, even though he surely observed them as soon as they stepped into view.

“They piloted the ship, nothing more. The R2 unit has the plans and should be scanned immediately,” Leia says and she’s still so angry she looks like she could combust at any moment.

“Yes,” Draven agrees and nods to another soldier who goes up the ramp to fetch the small droid.

“Let us hope this whole exercise was not in vain,” he says and he finally looks at Cassian as he speaks. The general was never a young man in the time Cassian’s known him. Yet it seems the last week or so has aged him still further. Fresh lines have been cut in the craggy hard edges of his visage and for a moment he looks full of nothing so much as regret.

A moment later it’s gone and he looks away. The hard general again.

The soldiers carry Jyn and Bodhi away and he wants to scream or demand to know where they are being taken. He says nothing and Kes helps lever him upright. A hand on his cuffs restrains him in a soldierly manner. But his grip is gentle and when Cassian stumbles another hand goes to his arm in an attempt to steady him.

Behind him, he hears Leia say, “Senator Mothma will surely hear of this.”

And the tired reply of “Yes, she surely will.”

Kes marches him through the halls of their base and people openly stare as he passes them by. Whispers follow him and he picks up words like _‘mutiny’_ and _‘imp sympathizer.'_

He’s already tired and it’s getting harder to walk by the minute. Cassian is practically wishing they could just reach whatever prison he’s being thrown into just so he can sit _down._

It’s a small surprise when they actually reach the medical bay instead. He wonders if he is supposed to be here or if Kes is disobeying orders by bringing him.

He doesn’t see Jyn or Bodhi and he wants to ask where they are. Instead Kes walks him in and whispers in his ear,

“Your guardian friends are here as well,”

And Cassian twists to look at him in pure shock. Friends. Plural. Chirrut survived and they both made it back here.

“Where?” he demands breathlessly and he stumbles again almost falling to his knees. Kes abandons the pretext of restraining him to grab him by the shoulders, hauling him upright again.

“ _Easy,_ Captain,” he mutters as he glances around. Probably looking for a doctor and Cassian’s getting dizzy.

“Can you...” he trails off because it feels like he’s run out of air.

“I’ll find them and tell them you’re here,” Kes tells him sounding rushed as a med team comes running with a gurney.

 _Oh good,_ Cassian thinks at the sight of a bed and then he crumples to the ground.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO LIKE...I SAID I WAS SORRY IT STRESSED ME OUT TOO. Seriously my roomie's been away all week so when I finished this chapter I kinda cried and flailed a little. The next chapter is also kinda not gonna be nice and I apologize for that too I haven't even written it yet and I AM VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT. But look who showed up! I have not read any extra stuff with Kes in it, I only know Shara Bey was a pilot so I'm making shit up with him and probably her too.
> 
> Also beta pointed something out...neither of us super get how Alliance ranks work? And like who outranks who? Also Its fanfic so I can kinda do whatever to a point. My idea is that Leia is not currently ON the Alliance council so Draven kinda outranks her? I think she was more of an operative like Cassian, smuggling info and shit under the guise of her being a senator, working under her father's guidance etc. With him dead, when things settle down I think she will be inducted into the council so we can get the Leia bossing people that we see a lot of in Empire and Jedi and stuff.
> 
> On an unrelated note. This week I saw a Korean film called Train to Busan and if you want a zombie movie that will FUCK YOU UP EMOTIONALLY I highly recommend this. It's on Netflix and I screamed a lot while watching it because its very tense, but also I COULD NOT REMEMBER NAMES because I WAS VERY STRESSED BY THE ZOMBIES. So I had nicknames for everybody like Korean Hulk and Sport Boy (Korean Hulk WAS SO GOOD I LOVED HIM). So uh...go watch that movie and then come scream at me on Tumblr about it I'm a mess @ladyknightthebrave


	33. The Middle of The Woods (Baze/Luke/Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuum I'm so bad at these...trigger warning for panic attacks?
> 
> Thank you Jimmy Rustled Bird for your notes and feedback :)

_I was swallowed whole_  
_and they said,_  
_That’s what happens_  
_to little girls who climb in bed with monsters.”_

 _There are mornings_  
_when my own bedroom_  
_looks exactly like the middle of the woods._

_—Little Red Riding Hood Addresses The Next Wolf, Brenna Twohy_

_\---_

Chirrut came out of his final bacta treatment hours ago. In an Imperial hospital where there are no shortages in supplies, the nurse said she would have put him through at least two more treatments. Instead the dark skinned human woman spoke to Baze and told him to make sure his husband takes it easy so his body can finish its work.

Baze had grunted in reply because Chirrut never made anything easy. Then he returned to sitting beside the unconscious man and watching the armed guards at the door.

For the most part the guards hardly move, just stand with their blasters at the sides talking to each other in low voices occasionally. Baze eavesdrops as best he can but their voices are too soft to hear and what he does catch sounds more like meaningless gossip than actual news.

In the last hour something has changed and he isn’t sure what. But people are running by his room instead of walking. At some point another soldier came and whispered something in their ears and all three of them turned to look at Baze and Chirrut.

Still he waits. All things reveal themselves in time.

It’s when he hears raised voices down the hall that he starts a little, sitting up in his chair. A hand grasping at his wrist holds him in place and he looks down see Chirrut’s eyes open.

“Chirrut,” he murmurs and the man looks in his direction, tilting his head so he’s facing Baze.

“Do you know what’s going on?” Baze whispers, keeping his voice low. If the guards are going to keep him in the dark he intends to do the same. Chirrut frowns, unseeing eyes moving back and forth as his mind focuses. Baze has seen this enough time to know what it looks like.

Chirrut shuts his eyes and the hand on his wrist tightens.

Several minutes pass in silence.

Finally his eyes open again and he says, “The children are here.”

And then Baze is on his feet but that hand still grips his wrist.

“Do you know where they are?” Baze asks and Chirrut frowns.

“They’re close...they came with others but... _be careful_ ,” he says and Baze knows what that means. It means Chirrut would be much better for this, but he is stuck in bed.

Baze leans over to press a kiss to the other man’s forehead.

“I will _bǎo-bèi,_ ” he says.

“You’re terrible at being careful,” Chirrut replies and Baze kisses him again letting his lips quirk against the man’s skin so he can feel his smile.

“I know...you be careful too,” Baze tells him and he grins as Baze pushes himself to his feet and places Chirrut’s staff beside the bed.

Neither of them are going to pretend that Chirrut will stay put for too much longer no matter how much he should.

Then Baze pushes himself up and stomps towards the doorway. The soldiers have clearly been watching this whole time and crowd together as he comes to stand before them. He stands a little too close, allowing himself to invade their personal space just enough to put them on edge.

“Will you stop me from leaving this room?” he asks them both and the soldier on the right, a green scaly skinned creature with a snout and shiny black eyes straightens and says stiffly,

“We would not advise you to leave the premises Mr. Malbus.”

Baze smiles at the soldier, he takes a glance back at Chirrut to see the man practically grinning where he lies. He faces forward, letting the smile remain, like baring his teeth.

“Let me rephrase, if I am to leave this room, do I have to go _through_ you? Or with you?”

Both soldiers stiffen still further, but neither reply.

Baze keeps smiling as he says,

“I thought so,” and he lets his smile fall away as he points to the green skinned soldier.

“What’s your name?” he asks.

“Sergeant Pon, but--” they begin and Baze interrupts.

“Good, Sergeant Pon, you can follow me with your little blaster and this one can stand guard over my husband.”

With that he muscles past the soldiers and starts walking in a random direction. Moments later he hears the hurried footsteps of Sergeant Pon.

“Mr. Malbus, I would _really recommend--_ ” they start and Baze interrupts them again.

“Would you? _Good._ ”

\---

“And this boy, where did he come from?” this General (Luke thinks he heard somebody call him Draven) asks Leia pointing in his direction and he freezes where he stands. He still can’t tear his eyes away from where the soldiers carrying Bodhi and Jyn disappeared from view. He wanted to follow, but a few soldiers remain standing around the landing pad. He keeps glancing at them nervously. None seem to notice him.

“He was just beginning tutelage under General Kenobi before he passed.” Leia says and there’s still a tightness in her jaw as she speaks. Her rage having lowered to a steady simmer now as she adds, “He was coming with the general to Alderaan.”

The General nods. The man looks tired as he waves a hand at the troops and they all head towards the Falcon.

“ _Hey,_ what are they doing with my ship!” Han demands, he still has his hands in the air and it seems almost funny now, except it isn’t.

“Princess Leia is correct about the Empire following you here. They showed up on our long range scanners right when you arrived in orbit,” the general says.

“How long?” Leia asks.

“About 12 hours,” he replies.

“What does that have to do with _my ship_?” Han asks.

“There may be a tracking device aboard. It’s likely too late and we will surely have to move base if we survive, but perhaps we will be lucky and they haven’t transmitted our location to the fleet,” the general says and his tone seems to indicate that he finds the likelihood of that luck to be very slim.

At his statement Han is momentarily silenced, finally lowering his arms to his sides.

“Well tell them to be careful,” he grumbles and the general nods already seeming to have lost interest in them.

“Where did they take Bodhi and Jyn?” Luke blurts out and the general looks at him with a raised brow.

“Are they friends of yours?” he asked and Leia is glaring at the man again.

“They are all going to be detained in the medical bay, _as requested,_ ” he says with a hint of irritation at Leia before turning back to Luke.

“If you make any trouble you will be removed,” and that’s really all Luke needs to hear before he’s on his feet and pelting down the path he saw the soldiers on. Nobody stops him which is a relief in itself.

Once he reaches an entrance to a ship’s hangar he stops because that’s where he last saw the soldiers. They turned right and he was no longer able to see them. He pauses and looks around at all the doorways that line the hangar. It seems he’s about to enter a maze with no map and he’s debating where to go when a voice says, “You lost kid?”

He turns to see a woman with dark curly hair and light brown skin looking at him with some mild amusement. She’s wearing the bright orange of an Alliance pilot and a helmet is couched in the crook of her arm.

“I’m trying to find the med bay,” he says breathlessly and her brows knit together with concern, her eyes linger on his tunic and he glances down. He didn’t notice the blood before, he inhales shakily at the sight of it.

“You alright?” she asks.

“My friends are there,” he tells her trying not to sound desperate and her expression changes to one of decisive understanding.

“I’m headed in that direction anyway, I’ll take you.”

\---

Jyn comes to consciousness raggedly. Her whole body aches and there’s a rising nausea in the back of her throat.

There’s also a lot of noise around her. Voices arguing and she’s lying down on some sort of bed with restraints on her arms and her legs. All she can hear is white noise as she tests the bonds trapping her flat.

It’s the material encircling her wrists, the way she _can’t move_.

That’s when her mind shuts down, shattering into a thousand fragments.

All she can see is sterile and gray and a wraith looming in her mind like broken glass.

She starts breathing faster and jerking against her binds.

“Hey, stop that,” a voice says and she can’t hear it. She’s too far away. Trapped again on the Death Star and her house is flooding,

She jerks harder, trying to twist herself free. The cuffs rattle at she shakes them with her all her might.

She _can’t breathe_. She keeps pushing against what’s holding her down. She can feel her skin going raw, rubbing against the restraints, but she keeps pushing. It feels like she’s being held underwater.

It feels like drowning.

“Stop that, _now!_ ” a voice says

“What the hell is she doing?” another asks.

She can’t breathe, there are hands on her throat and she _needs to get out._ She needs to escape before her heart pounds a hole in her chest. She shakes her arms as hard as she can trying to loosen the restraints, an animal sound escaping her as she does.

The voices arguing far away seem to cease and Jyn doesn’t notice that either.

“ _What are you doing?_ ” a voice demands and all the other voices seem to silence. Jyn can feel the fragile skin on her wrists starting to crack and bleed, still she keeps twisting, trying to yank her hands through the cuffs. Bone is the only thing stopping her and she keeps tugging, clenching and unclenching her hands, deaf to the voices around her.

“I don’t mean her, I mean _what the hell are you all doing?_ ”

“Ma’am we’re under orders, she’s considered a flight risk.”

“She doesn’t look like a flight risk, she looks like a patient _in distress.”_

“She has an injury on her right leg, but you are not permitted to remove her restraints.”

Jyn can’t breathe, _she can’t think_. Tears stream down her face unnoticed as she tries to pull again at the cuffs feeling metal edges bite into her skin.

She wants to scream, but there isn’t enough air.

Suddenly there’s a hand on her forehead and a voice murmuring,

“You need to calm down, before you hurt yourself.”

The hand is warm. The voice belongs to a woman.

Jyn squeezes her eyes shut to the room on the Death Star, and feels more tears sliding down past her temples. She struggles one last time, rattling the restraints hard enough to shake the bed she’s lying on.

“I’m sorry, I wish I could take these off, but they are going to sedate you if you don’t _calm down._ ”

Her eyes fly open to find a woman with light brown skin and long dark hair tied back standing over her.

“ _No drugs,_ ” Jyn gasps and the woman’s wide mouth twists, distinctly unhappy.

“I thought so, then I’m going to need you to _breathe_ okay?” she says and takes a deep breath like an example. Jyn takes a deep breath shuddering breath in reply, it feels like there’s not enough air in the room. Her whole body trembles in staccato rhythms.

“That’s it, just breathe,” she says and her hand moves to gently stroke Jyn’s hair. She takes another deep breath and Jyn follows suit even as tears keep flowing like rivers from Jyn’s eyes and her whole body feels like crumbling fault lines quaking against each other.

“You’re doing good and again,” the woman breathes and so does she. It still feels like trying to breathe with a bantha sitting on her chest and the restraints are still on, her mind fragmenting at the feel of them. Jyn looks at the woman again to see a sadness in her eyes and lingering around her mouth. It drops when the woman turns to face the soldiers, all sharp edges as she demands,

“Now will you let me work?” and the words are a sharp contrast to the soft hand gently carding through her hair.

The soldiers shuffle and move to the door and the woman looks back at her with a gentle smile.

“Alright, let’s get started. Unless the general has a problem with us practicing medicine now?” She aims that question at the soldiers too and they look down and away. She looks back at Jyn and there’s that sadness again.

“I know this isn’t ideal, but hopefully you’ll be out of here soon. In the meantime just keep breathing,” the woman says.

Jyn closes her eyes and tremors, letting her tears flow in silence. She takes another breath when a new voice breaks the air.

It’s a deeper voice, maybe even a familiar voice...

“ _What the hell is this?”_

\---

Baze doesn’t know exactly where he’s heading, he’s walking blindly through an unfamiliar base and it feels like a maze. Chirrut would find this very funny in different circumstances. He’d be sure to be a proper shit about it too.

Sergeant Pon is following close behind silently but bleeding nervousness from their pores. Why these Rebel nerfherders thought he would just sit silently and wait for them to decide his fate is beyond understanding. He may no longer be a Guardian of the Whills but…

He’s distracted from his thoughts by voices coming from down a hallway he can’t see.

“Stop running kid, we’re nearly there,” a woman says and then he turns the corner and crashes right into a young boy. Or more accurately the boy crashes into him, bouncing off his armor and falling to the ground. A dark haired woman comes around the corner with raised brows aimed at both of them.

The boy is a little thing in a white tunic, but the first thing Baze notices is the smear of blood marring all that white. He steps back while the boy struggles to his feet and the woman is looking closely at Baze.

“You’re one of the Guardians aren’t you?” she asks, “From the Scariff mission?”

“What of it?” he replies and now the boy is staring at him.

“Wait, you were on Scariff? With the Death Star plans?” the boy asks and now both of them turn to stare at him. He stands there nervously shifting his weight, “I came here from Tatooine with some people who...they were on Scariff and the plans were on my R2 unit because Leia sent them to Obi-Wan and--” it all comes out in a rush and he holds up a hand to stem the flow of words. The boy silences instantly and Baze is still wrapping his head around all this new information.

“I’m not sure you should be giving this information so freely, _boy._ ” the sergeant says from behind Baze. The woman peers around Bodhi too look at them.

“Shut up Pon,” she says before looking back at Baze and the boy with a nod “What else?”

Baze nods in reply before turning to the boy.

“Jyn, Cassian, and Bodhi. Were those the people you came here with?” he asks slowly and the boy nods vigorously.

“And they _actually got the plans_?” he asks.

“Well they were on this R2 unit my uncle bought from some Jawas and Princess Leia was trying to send them to my--”

“ _Enough_ ” Baze interrupts the avalanche of new information because he honestly doesn’t care. They succeeded and they’re alive. That’s all he cares about.

“Where are they?” he demands and the boy replies with wide eyes,

“The med bay, Shara was helping me find it and--” Baze stops him again and turns to glare at the sergeant. They have the decency to look at abashed beneath his gaze and then he turns back to the boy and the woman, Shara.

“Lead on,” he says to Shara and she nods stepping around him and the sergeant who seems to have turned a deeper shade of green. She leads them back the way he had aimlessly wandered and few hallways later a man in a security uniform steps out and stops at the sight of them. Beside him, the boy seems to freeze up in terror. He takes a step in front of the boy, just in case and then is surprised when the woman calls out,

“Kes! What are you doing on a security detail?” she races forward toward the dark skinned man with darker hair cut close to the scalp. He carries a helmet under his arm and looks at all them with some mixture of surprise and relief.

“Oh thank Force, they wouldn’t let me in to speak to the other one, you’re one of the Guardians from Jedha right?” he addresses Baze and the woman rolls her eyes.

“Kes, we’ve already done that, what do you need him for and _why_ are you in a security uniform?” she asks plucking at the man’s sleeve. Beside Baze, the boy seems to loosen a little, perhaps trusting the woman to be a good judge of character. He stays where he is and waits while the man catches his breath.

“I heard Cassian and his crew were coming back. I traded a few favors to get on the security detail.”

The sergeant behind him grumbles something but everyone ignores them.

“Why?” the boy asks from behind Baze and the man, Kes, looks at the boy with something like recognition.

“Cassian’s a good guy and his intel has saved my ass on more than one occasion. I was worried it would be a shit show when they got here...” Kes says with a pointed look at the boy, “You saw that it was… I was hoping to...” he trails off here and Baze is growing impatient.  “They’re all in pretty bad shape, but he asked me to find you and your friend.”

None of them speak for a moment, letting all this new information sink in.

Shara is the one who speaks first, “Med bay is right around that corner, you can’t miss it.”

That’s all he needs, surging forward and around the corner to find the familiar entrance he just exited a short time ago.

The front of the bay is a waiting area and he recognizes his door as the 2nd one down the long hallway. Raised voices echo down this same hall and so he heads that way with the fairly safe assumption that he’ll find at least one of the children causing trouble.

The others are behind him as he moves down the hall. At a cross section he follows the noise and turns left to more doors and people in scrubs bustling around ignoring him entirely.

Several doors have guards in front of them but he follows the sound of an angry woman’s voice.

“...Unless the general has a problem with us practicing medicine now?”

and when he finds the right door the scene that greets his eyes makes his blood boil.

Jyn, bruised, pale, and shaking with tears streaming down her face is tied down on a gurney with restraints on her wrists and ankles. The nurse he spoke to before, he’s fairly certain her name is Temple, hovers over Jyn protectively with a glare aimed at the soldiers blocking the door.

“ _What the hell is this?_ ” Baze demands, pushing past the guards. Behind him the sergeant is voicing some objection and Shara tells him to ‘shut it.’ Nurse Temple looks up at his arrival, stepping between him and the girl.

“I’m sorry Mr. Malbus, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the nurse tells him firmly, “I can speak to you about Mr. Îmwe later and--”

“ _Baze!_ ” Jyn cries out shakily from behind the nurse. She stops and looks back at the girl.

“Please _,_ I know Baze, I— _please_ ...” Jyn half stutters out the words, her eyes darting from him to Nurse Temple and back. The nurse stares at him with something like consideration as Sergeant Pon speaks up from the doorway, “Mr. Malbus should return to his partner, in _their_ room.”

The nurse looks at the sergeant with an almost aggressively blank expression before turning back to Baze.

“Let me get you a chair,” she says flatly, before stepping around him and past the guards.

“Mr. Malbus, we have orders--”

“Unless your orders are to use that blaster on me, _I suggest you shut your mouth_ ,” Baze tells him. Behind the guards he can see Kes and Shara looking distinctly impressed and the boy watching him with big eyes.

He steps forward to stand beside Jyn and she’s watching him with wide eyes.

“Hey there little sister,” he says softly and her mouth quivers.

“Hi Baze,” she says and up close he can see she’s trembling all over. There’s also some stained formerly white bandage poking through a hole in her trousers and  bruising around her eye as well as some ugly marks on her neck.

“You look like shit,” he tells her and she lets out a wet laugh.

“You look a lot better,” she says with a ragged attempt at a smile, “The guard mentioned Chirrut, is he…?”

“He’s still alive and foolish as ever,” Baze tells her and she closes her eyes, breathing out an unsteady sigh of relief.

Nurse Temple comes back with a plastic chair, muscling past the guards with a dirty look for each of them.

“You can stay, just keep her calm,” she says to Baze in a low voice, “She doesn’t like the restraints.” Baze stares as the nurse places the chair down, and glares at the guards again where they stand cluttering the doorway.

“Do you know where Bodhi is?” A small voice asks from behind that jumble of bodies. It’s the boy asking, he slips between the guards awkwardly so he can look the nurse in the eye. Kes and Shara still watch from the doorway frowning.

Nurse Temple looks at him, clearly noticing the blood on him and she bites her lip.

“He’ll be in surgery for at least another hour.”

“Can I wait...um...” the boy trails off.

“He’ll be set up in his own room, two doors down across the hall. Don’t get in anyone’s way,” she tells the boy and he nods vigorously. But, he doesn’t leave, his eyes catching on Jyn.

She gulps in a breath before asking, “You’re going to keep an eye on him for me?” and the words come out like a croak, but the boy’s eyes seem to light up a little. He smiles crooked and nods again.

“Definitely,” he says.

"Good, now scatter," she says and he ducks out of the room past the disgruntled guards.

Baze can’t help but wonder at all the things he missed as he asks

“Why does Bodhi need surgery?”

“His arm got blasted,” Jyn says sounding worn and Baze winces internally. If it needs surgery than it’s bad.

“What about Cassian?”

“His ribs...he got knocked down and...” she says haltingly and fresh tears stream down her cheeks while the nurse shoots him a pointed look as she goes to her counter and pulls out a tray full of medical tools.

“Alright, that’s enough little sister, I understand.” he tells her and she nods while tears continue to flow.

“Where is he now?” he asks the nurse.

“In his first round of bacta treatments. Hopefully I can squeeze in another two, you already know supplies are tight,” she tells him and Jyn breathes out another shaky relieved breath. She’s still pale and sweating and trembling, but he guessed right that news of their friends would be some comfort.

So he settles in beside her as she quakes against her restraints. He can see the skin on her wrists is red and raw from where she strained against them. One or two cuts ooze where she probably tried to pull her hands through the restraints.

He reaches up to rest a hand on her arm, letting his palm rest beside the cuffs. She cuts him a hard look that’s as ragged as the rest of her.

She’s seen some more hard truths since he saw her last, whatever she’s seen and been through put a new fear in her that he doesn’t like at all. Still she meets his eyes and finds something there to make her take another shaky breath in and out. The nurse eyes them both as she comes back with a pair of scissors.

“I’m going to have to cut a hole in these so I can get a good look at your leg,” she tells Jyn and Jyn seems to stuck on the sharp edged object in her hand.

A glance at the door shows Shara and Kes have gone, which is probably for the best. Jyn doesn’t need an audience right now.

It will have to do.

“Did I ever tell you about the time Chirrut got us lost in the desert for two days?” he asks her and she shakes her head. So he speaks of anything he can think of, many stories of Chirrut’s foolishness getting them both into trouble. Stories of Jedha before the occupation. Stories of a time where life was still simple.

The nurse watches them both as she works on Jyn’s leg, periodically warning her before she proceeds to the next step. By the end it’s been injected with bacta and rewrapped and the nurse is still watching them both as she washes her hands and changes her gloves.

Baze speaks of a time before the Empire ruined everything good in their world. A time when problems were child sized and manageable. She only stops shaking when she falls asleep.

It will have to do.

He settles back in his chair for another long wait. He would check on Chirrut but he has the distinct impression that Chirrut has gone off to be a nuisance somewhere where he’s needed. It’s no use getting lost here when the girl needs someone nearby.

So he sits, confident that things will reveal themselves in time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _bǎo-bèi_ \- “baby” or “dear”; a term of endearment for a loved one. This is a Mandarin term I think? (I did find a term of affection for husband that was I think is used in both Cantonese and Mandarin but I liked how this one *sounded*) (As far as I can tell from Wikipedia I think Donnie Yen speaks Cantonese and Jiang Wen speaks Mandarin? so I really wasn't sure which dialect to go with, if somebody knows their shit and wants to correct me please let me know I'm just working with Google here.)
> 
> So this chapter turned out lighter than I thought because BAZE IS THE BEST AND HE SURPRISED ME WITH HIS SALTINESS *cries softly* hE is HErO (sorry I'm still a mess over that interview with Jiang Wen what an adorable man). And oh yes we got Shara in there too, yay!
> 
> Also for the eagle eyed reader wondering...why yes that is Claire Temple from the Netflix Marvel shows. Originally it was a human OC and than midway through I realized I was just writing Claire so yeah lets put Rosario Dawson in all major franchises. Rosario Dawson in Star Wars! Star Trek! Power Rangers! DO IT FOR ME HOLLYWOOD. Please imagine Rosario Dawson's fuck off face as you read Nurse Temple being salty as hell, it's a thing of beauty.
> 
> The next chapter will probably take a little longer, this last sequence of events was more or less in my head for AWHILE...the next bit I need to figure out a few pieces.


	34. Cut Off From The World (Chirrut/Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jimmy Rustled Bird for the notes as always. And thanks to aewgliriel for some useful Star Wars knowledge like a realistic amount of time for the Death Star to reach Yavin IV from Alderaan  
> Speaking of that I wrote Death Star is 28 hours away before and oopsie its 12 now I fixed that

 

 _What roar is that?—'tis the rain that breaks_  
_In torrents away from the airy lakes,_  
_Heavily poured on the shuddering ground,_  
_And shedding a nameless horror round._  
_Ah! well known woods, and mountains, and skies,_  
_With the very clouds!—ye are lost to my eyes._  
_\---_  
_And I, cut off from the world, remain_  
_Alone with the terrible hurricane._

_—The Hurricane, William Cullen Bryant_

_\---_

Chirrut lies in bed with his eyes closed. The guard thinks he’s sleeping, but he’s simply meditating. He lies there and reaches out with his senses to feel the landscape around him, the landscape that is the _people_ around him.

Nearby he can sense Jyn, still as fiery as kyber, but now she sparks in his mind’s eye like a short circuit. It worried him as soon as he sensed it, but Baze is there now, the sparks have eased slightly.

(Baze’s presence feels solid and heavy, no matter where Baze is all Chirrut has to look for is what’s as steady and relentless as the tides)

A little farther than Jyn is Bodhi, jittery as a frayed edge. Even in sleep, his presence stutters and shifts almost constantly. It’s the presence _with_ him that Chirrut’s been musing on for the last while.

Looking at this one with his mind’s eye is like finally understanding what it means when people speak of being blinded by the sun.

A boy, with only the barest hint of training, but the Force moves with him like metal to a magnet. He will need to deal with that at some point, but right now most of his attention is focused on the Captain.

Cassian is closer than the rest, almost like somebody was trying to make it easier for him. The man is resting at the moment, but even in sleep his essence practically _smells_ of thunderstorms. All Chirrut will have to do is follow the storm clouds.

Of course, Chirrut is waiting for the man to wake up. It’s been an hour and there is no point sitting in there while the man is sleeping when Chirrut’s body still aches like an old man’s.

When he senses the thunderclouds starting to stir he grabs the staff Baze left by his bed and pulls himself upright with a groan.

The guard at the door startles.

The other guard that went with Baze was… An irritant… This one will be much easier to deal with, and whether Baze knew that or not Chirrut doesn’t know. So often his husband does the perfect thing without even trying and it’s one of the many things Chirrut loves about him.

The guard he left behind is a mousy thing, nervous of him _and_ about him. Perhaps a little more uneasy with their orders or maybe with the way orders were carried out. They were too far away for him to fully get a sense of what happened, but the children’s arrival was… Not handled well.

Perhaps it has made this one soldier nervous enough to be lenient.

Or at least enough to not get in his way.

Already Chirrut can sense Cassian’s growing agitation as he gets off the bed. His body objects to bearing his own weight, but he can manage it without feeling like he will fall to pieces and the walk will be a short one.

“Mr. Îmwe you shouldn’t--” the soldier begins. Up close he can tell this one’s another sergeant and a young one too. Baze used to ask him how he knew these things and he would tease the man rather than answer.

(The truth is, sometimes he just _knows._ )

“I’m going on a walk sergeant, care to join me?” he asks with an easy smile.

“I-I...” the sergeant stutters.

“ _Good,”_ Chirrut says indulgently, “Then keep up will you? I’m on a schedule.”

And he walks out the door, leaning heavily on his staff.

\---

The first thing Cassian notices on waking up is that he stinks of bacta. His hair is sticky with the stuff.

The second thing he notices are the restraints.

“Is anybody there?” he calls out. His ribs still ache when he takes a deep breathe, the pain has simply dulled a little. The last thing he remembers is Kes bringing him to the med-bay.

He doesn’t know where they took Jyn or Bodhi.

A medi-droid trundles into the room

“Captain Andor what do you require?” the droid buzzes and Cassian exhales through his nose. He really doesn't want to deal with a droid right now.

“I need to get out of these restraints,” he says carefully.

“Negative. You have been deemed a flight risk. Restraints cannot be removed,” they say in the same bland drone.

“Guards will be along shortly to monitor you,” they say and Cassian shakes his arms against the restraints. Frustration getting the better of him.

“Then can you tell me where my friends are? Jyn Erso and Bodhi Rook,” he sounds their names out slowly for the droid, “Can you tell me where they are?” he asks and he sounds raw and desperate even in his own ears.

“Negative. Patient privacy rules prohibit me from sharing patient details with a non family member,” the droid buzzes and Cassian closes his eyes and fantasized about screaming until his vocal chords snap.

“Your vitals indicate distress, Captain. Are you currently experiencing discomfort?”

Cassian grits his teeth and does not respond.

“Captain. Are you currently experiencing some form of distress?” the droid asks and Cassian curses louder than he should, fighting against his binds.

Then he hears footsteps and the tap-tapping of a cane and freezes. When he looks up, it’s to a familiar face.

“Hello again, Captain Andor,” Chirrut says inclining his head.

“Chirrut, you’re alright?’ Cassian asks, the words rushing out “Kes didn’t say before...”

Cassian trails off, his mind racing. If Chirrut is here and in one piece, where is Baze? The man simply grins enigmatically.

“Captain, the better question might be: Are _you_ alright?” he asks and gestures with a staff, which he’s leaning on. Meanwhile, the droid buzzes at the blind man.

“Mr. Îmwe you cannot be out of bed.” The droid says and Chirrut aims that smile at the droid.

“And yet here I am,” he says with a level of serenity that Cassian finds impressive.

The droid buzzes out a low sound and rolls out of the room humming out some code that surely means other medical personnel will show up soon enough. The normally busy halls of the med-bay are strangely quiet and it has him on edge.

“ _Are_ you alright Captain?” Chirrut asks again with a real concern that cuts deep.

Cassian sighs and lets himself lay flat on the bed again.

“I’m _fine,_ ” he grits out before turning his head to stare at the guardian again,

“Do you know where Jyn and Bodhi are?” he asks and he knows he sounds on desperate. He never would have allowed himself to be like this before. Chirrut simply smiles like an emblem of calm.

“Baze is with Jyn now and Bodhi is resting. Everybody is safe enough for the time being Captain.”

It’s the restraints that worry him. They crowd his wrists and the cold durasteel brings back memories of that chair Jyn was strapped to on the Death Star. It puts him on edge, he can only imagine how she’ll react.

If Baze is there, he might be able to help.

Cassian wishes he could be there himself.

He wishes none of this was happening.

“That’s good,” he says quietly biting back the rest.

Chirrut steps further into the room and Cassian notices the guard following close behind looks to be a Bothan with brown fur, pointed ears, and a long snout.

Cassian would guess this one is young based on his height. He glances between Chirrut and Cassian nervously, but he stands at ease and he’s not pointing his weapon.

“Chirrut, where is everybody?” he asks and Chirrut is still smiling as he tilts his head toward the doorway.

“I believe somebody is coming who will be able to answer that question better than I Captain,” he says and Cassian sighs as he hears footsteps coming.

“Please, just call me Cassian,” he mutters to the guardian who inclines his head once again, that smile never wavering despite the fact that he’s white knuckling his staff.

A nurse runs by the door and comes back moment’s later to muscle past the guard. He’s fairly sure her name is Temple. She steps into the room a little short of breath and scowling.

“Mr. Îmwe what the hell are you doing out of bed?” she demands of the guardian who simply grins at her in a friendly manner. She groans under breath and takes him by the elbow, shepherding him towards a plain plasteel chair in the corner of the room.

“If you aren’t going to rest in your own bed you had better sit down, you hear me?” she snaps at the man and he continues to smile, allowing himself to be guided to the seat in question.

“Yes ma’am,” he replies agreeably and she exhales loudly as she watches him sit down. If he’s in pain, he shows almost no signs of it beyond the tight grip on his staff.

The Nurse turns back to him with a little less fire and her hands resting on her hips.

“So I guess if I want to find one of you, I should look in everyone else's rooms?” she asks and he stares. He never had to deal with the medical staff much. More often than not he nursed his own wounds and when he couldn’t K-2 did.

(He remembers the time K-2 carried him back to their ship while listing off all of his injuries. He truly misses that damned droid.)

Once he broke his arm and it had to be reset, it had started to heal improperly. He dealt with Nurse Temple then and it wasn’t for long. She was all business and efficient, they didn’t make much conversation at the time which he was perfectly happy with.

Now she’s taking a glance at his medical chart, tapping at the data reader in her hands and he finally remembers his question.

“Where is everybody?” he asks and she sighs.

“We’re evacuating. All non-essential personnel are leaving the base. The whole med-bay is being run by a skeleton crew right now. We’re just stabilizing patients so we can move them out of here,” she says and her mouth is tight.

“We’re leaving?” Cassian repeats because it bears repeating. The Rebellion has been on Yavin IV for a long time. It’s near enough to home and the only reason they would leave is…

“Yeah, I guess the Empire followed somebody here so we’re running,” she says and Cassian shuts his eyes, like closing them will somehow guard him from some very obvious facts.

Their escape from the Death Star really was _too easy._

He’d been too distracted to notice and that was stupid of him. He opens his eyes to see the nurse looking at him and Chirrut still sitting quietly in the corner.

“Do not be too upset about this Cassian, all will be as the Force wills it,” Chirrut says from his seat and Cassian almost laughs. Nurse Temple’s eyebrows fly into her hairline as she turns to stare at the man.

“You mind telling me what the deal is with him and his friend?” she asks when she turns back to Cassian.

“They were Guardians of the Whills, they were on Scariff,” he tells her and she glances back at the blind man with a frown.

“I thought the Temple of the Whills was on Jedha?” she says and now it’s Cassian’s turn to stare.

“The battle on Scariff?” he half asks and she stares at him blankly.

He heard the whispers on the way into the med-bay. He is not sure what the content of the rumors are, but clearly word of their exploits has gotten out in some fashion.

“Have you not heard about the attack on Scariff?” he asks her and Chirrut chuckles in the corner for some reason. Nurse Temple glances at the man again before looking back at Cassian.

“The Rebellion has ‘battles’ almost every day, you expect me to keep track of that sort of thing?” she demands and he gapes. She throws up her hands and takes a step away like she’s asking the gods themselves for patience.

“Listen, I do not have time to follow the latest gossip. I patch up people while they are bleeding and dying all day long and at the end of the day I am _tired._ So I curl up with a holo-novel, I do not spend my time following the latest _gossip_ ,” she says pointing a finger at Cassian who stares, momentarily speechless.

She sighs and drops the hand, a moment later. She combs back her hair and takes a breath before looking back at him.

“Sorry...so five or six of you guys went and attacked Scariff by yourselves? That’s some kind of Imperial stronghold isn’t it?” she asks him, her tone softer this time. Cassian opens his mouth to reply, but his throat closes around the answer.

“We’re the only ones left,” Chirrut says from his seat, saving Cassian the trouble. She glances at the blind man and then Cassian.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” she says and he doesn’t know what to say that so he just lies there.

“Can I ask then… What’s with the guards?” she asks and she’s staring pointedly at the Bothan who quails beneath her gaze. He shuts his eyes again.

“We stole a ship, the mission was unsanctioned. We probably lost at least fifty out there...probably more when you include the air support that came later...” he rattles off the figures that have been resting in his mind since he saw all those bodies on the beach. Somehow knowing that the bodies and the beach are gone now makes it worse.

She whistles softly and he opens his eyes to see her looking down and shaking her head.

“Well, I guess I understand why you’ve got these laser brains standing over you,” she mutters jerking a thumb at the guard and he inclines his head in agreement.

“Did you get what you went there for?” she asks him and he nods.  “And I’m guessing it could save some lives or you wouldn’t have done it?” he nods again.

She nods as well taking a step back with a look of consideration. Nobody speaks for what seems like an eternity.

She breaks the silence first.

“Well just in case you don’t hear this for awhile...Thank you,” she says, looking down at the floor and he gapes at her. She looks back at him with an almost gentle smile and nods once more at his chart.

“Try to sleep, I’m putting you in a bacta tank again in an hour.”

With that, she turns on her heel right as new footsteps approach. It looks like more guards have been brought in.

“Oh great, more of you,” the nurse drawls as she steps around the Bothan to point at the new guards.

“If you touch my patients I’ll flay you,” and with that she’s gone, leaving Cassian gaping after her. The Bothan steps into the room nervously.

“Mr. Îmwe, it would be best if you returned to your room now,” he says and Chirrut somehow seems to look right at Cassian.

“Will you be alright?” he asks and it’s as gentle as the nurse’s thank you. It also pointedly ignores when he clearly said he was fine. It was a lie, but still. Something about the concern overriding pretense warms him.

To the man’s question he says, “Yeah, it’s probably best not to stir things up right now.”

Chirrut nods, as serious as a grave. Then the man pulls himself up slowly with his cane and flashes a smile at the Bothan.

“Lead on sergeant,” he says and Cassian watches him go feeling the absence almost immediately as two new guards crowd his doorway. He turns to face the wall and closes his eyes trying to will himself into a sense of calm. It doesn’t work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like...I had jury duty this week. I literally wrote some of this on my phone sitting in that waiting area all day...idk how to feel about the chapter as a whole but the droid equivalent of clippy did happen in that time and weren't they just the worst? And for everybody who has been Very Stressed about recent turns of events in story...I have a plan don't worry. 
> 
> Also I super duper love Nurse (Claire) Temple. Just imagine Rosario Dawson while reading any of her dialogue it makes it 110% better. And like there's a reason I do not write much Chirrut POV. It's so tempting to casually describe things visually and like He Blind. Writing using only the other 4 senses is Hard. Oh and one more thing...I've been toying with writing a Draven POV in the near future...we'll see but he has some Thoughts.
> 
> On unrelated news anybody watching The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu? YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT...but like read a little on it first if you have sensitivities? The show is not easy viewing but also anybody who thinks Alexis Bledel can't act should watch episode 3 because FUCK. Also Dear White People on Netflix is really great. Possibly better than the film. 10/10 recommend.


	35. Don't Look to be Saved (Leia/Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jimmy Rustled Bird for being a lovely beta and thanks to aewgliriel for the useful Star Wars knowledge :)

 

_Don’t ask for guarantees. And don’t look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore._

_—Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury_

\---

Leia sits and waits and wonders how she got here. Currently, she’s sitting next to a smuggler who won’t stop bouncing his knee and a wookiee who appears to be taking a nap as far as she can tell.

After the horror show of their arrival the first thing she did was storm off to find Senator Mothma. The senator was in the hall before the situation room and the first thing the she did upon seeing Leia was to clasp her hands and say “I’m so sorry for your loss,” with such sincerity that it took Leia a moment to speak past the lump in her throat.

“Thank you senator, but I’m here to talk to you about the arrival of the surviving members of the Rogue One crew,” she said and Mothma exhales with a sorrowful look.

“Yes, I heard about that,” she said.

“And? Tell me General Draven is going to be punished for that obscene and unnecessary display?”

Mothma sighs again and shoots her a baleful look.

“Leia, right now we _do not have the time._ Somebody decided to move up our timetable,” her gaze turns pointed and now it’s Leia’s turn to look away biting a hole in her lip.

“It’s a planet killer ma’am,” she said softly, “It’s naive to think we could outrun that forever.”

Mothma inclines her head like a nonverbal agreement.

“Be that as it may, we’re still waiting for the plans to be analyzed and we’ve already begun evacuating any non-essential personnel,” and Leia turns back to her feeling fiery all over again.

“If the intelligence is right and those plans hold the key to our victory than we should be _thanking_ Rogue One, not strong arming them and shackling them in cells!” she said, fighting to keep her voice low.

“They did commit mutiny when they ran off on an unsanctioned mission and we cannot let that go unrecognized,” Mothma replied before leaning in closer to say quietly,

“That said, I dislike Draven’s methods.” and Leia felt the first threads of hope as Mothma continued.

“Wait somewhere, and I’ll make sure you get word when the plans are analyzed and a conclusion’s been reached. If we’re going to plan an attack on this...’Death Star’ I want you in the room,” Mothma told her before straightening up, becoming the regal senator again.

“I happen to know that in deference to your father’s vital position on the council and with the understanding you have of the Alliance, you are simply a few formalities away from having a seat of your own on the council,” she continued and Leia tried not to gape at the woman. She was not surprised by the idea of filling her father’s seat, it just never occurred to her that they would take her so quickly.

“With that in mind, do what you think is best with the crew of Rogue One, don’t do anything stupid, and I will stand by your decisions to the best of my ability,” Mothma said and Leia finally allowed herself to stare in surprise.

Her father knew Mothma well. He spoke often of their mutual respect, but Leia had only spent so much time with the woman over the years. She didn’t know the senator that well. This was a surprise.

“Mind you, I am placing my trust in you, if you abuse that trust I will deny this conversation ever happened,” she said before floating away leaving Leia to stare after her like a gawping child.

She knew that Cassian, Jyn, and Bodhi were probably all receiving medical care at the moment and she would just be getting underfoot if she went to see them right away. The plans were still being analyzed with no clear plan for next steps and nothing for Leia to _do._

She could have sat in the med-bay but...her mother used to love that saying about a watched pot that never boils.

So she simply began walking and ended up back at the landing pad where Han and the wookiee were sitting on the exit ramp looking lost.

When she sat down with them, she found it to be a point in their favors that neither of them spoke. Eventually the soldiers complete their scan of the Falcon and exited the ship, walking past them all with a nod.

It’s still a long while before Han asks,

“Did you speak to that Mothma about the general being a jackass?”

She nods.

“And?” he asks and she sighs.

“It’s not that simple… _Oh_ that reminds me,” she mutters and pulls out her datapad. She can feel Han watching her as she presses a few buttons and leans back with a sigh.

“There, you’ve been paid and it’s more than generous,” she looks at him again and he’s turned away, twisting his hands in his lap.

“You’re free to run off and do what you will now,” she tells him like a suggestion and he doesn’t get up from his seat.

At that moment a blue skinned young woman with violet hair in a corporal’s uniform comes running. She stops in front of them and takes a second to catch her breath before straightening to address Leia.

“I was sent to inform you, the flaw has been found. There will be a meeting in the situation room to plan the attack in an hour. They are assembling all available squadrons.”

Leia stares, breathless and truly hopeful for the first time since she saw her homeworld decimated.

“Thank you Corporal,” she says and the woman nods once and heads off, leaving Leia sitting there, her heart racing, and Han staring at her.

“So… This is good news?” he asks slowly and she can’t help the smile as she looks at him.

“It means we finally have a chance.”

She practically jumps to her feet, clearly startling Han.

“I’m going to the med-bay,” she says before setting off at a steady pace. A glance behind her shows that they are both on their feet and following her.

“You want to visit them?” she asks.

“Yep,” he replies, short and sweet like there’s nothing out of character about that for him.

“And you’re still planning on leaving here as soon as possible?” she asks.

“Yep,” he answers.

“And you could be leaving a lot _sooner_ if you just went now I’m sure you realize?” she asks and he sighs, his stride never hesitating.

“Yep,” he says and she stares for a moment before facing forward.

A lot of things are happening now and according to the chrono on her datapad they have eight hours to go. She does not have the time or energy to spend on puzzling out this ridiculous man so she won’t. But for the walk from the landing pad to the med-bay, there is nothing else to occupy her mind so she does wonder…

\---

Bodhi wakes up fast from a dream he can’t recall, inhaling a deep rasping breath like he just broke water after drowning. He looks over to see Luke startling upright in his seat to stare at Bodhi with wide eyes.

There are two guards at the door.

He more or less remembers everything that happened up until the point a guard grabbed his arm and then nothing. Luke is still staring at him and there’s almost something fearful in his gaze.

He glances down when he notices his good arm and both his ankles are cuffed to the bed. His bad arm has been left free and he thanks the Force for small mercies. It’s in a heavy plasteel cast and he can see the hinges that would pop open to take this thing off.

He looks over at Luke again and the first thing Luke says in a rush is, “I’m sorry they told me they have orders to restrain you guys, they wouldn’t let me take them off.”

Bodhi blinks. He wasn’t really expecting Luke to have any sway here. Frankly after their arrival, he’s fairly relieved to be waking up at all, and in a med bay rather than a cell. Overall a much better scenario than what he was picturing on the landing pad.

“It’s o-okay,” he mumbles letting his eyes drift to the ceiling. Flat on his back like this, it’s hard to look anywhere else.

“No… It’s not,” Luke says softly and he looks back at him. Luke shifts nervously beneath his gaze, but speaks a little louder.

“I just stood there when they… I didn’t _do anything_ and I should have--” Bodhi interrupts him.

“Should have w-what? Gotten y-yourself restrained with us? It wouldn’t have solved a-anything,” he says looking at Luke with a wry attempt at a smile. Luke doesn’t smile back, looking down and away he mutters,

“I thought the Rebellion was the good guys.”

“Yeah, welcome to the Rebellion, it’s complicated here,” a new voice breaks into their conversation and he startles again seeing a dark skinned woman with gentle eyes squeezing past the two guards to stand before them with her hands on her hips. Luke brightens a little at the sight of her.

“Bodhi this is Nurse Temple,” he tells her and Bodhi looks at her and remembers with a start, the ashy faces of Jyn and Cassian staring at him back at the landing pad.

“Do you know if m-my friends are o-okay?” he addresses the question to her and she makes a face he can’t quite interpret before replying.

“I think they’ve both seen better days, but strictly speaking they’re okay.”

Bodhi wants to ask more, but she’s moved forward to examine his arm and he’s distracted as she asks him to make a fist and then squeeze a rubber ball in her pocket.

Both motions hurt like hell, but she seems satisfied as she steps back.

“It looks like there was no major nerve damage, so that’s fortunate, you just broke the kriffing hell out of it,” she tells him and he nods a little before addressing his next question to Luke.

“Did th-they get the plans?” he asks and Luke nods.

“Yeah, Leia was really mad after everything, but she made sure they took R2 to get analyzed. I think they’re still looking it all over now.”

‘After everything,’ he said… It’s such a casual way of putting it. Bodhi’s mind catches on the memories of Jyn’s screams while Cassian is silently forced to his knees. He won’t be forgetting _that_ anytime soon.

But it’s the plans themselves that catch even more. Any flaw would probably be dealt with by the fighter squadrons. X-Wings and whatever else the Rebellion might have at their disposal. He knows he did more than Galen asked of him already, but it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Not after Scariff and Alderaan.

Not after Jedha.

He needs to be there.

Maybe he won’t be the one pulling the trigger, but he _needs_ to be there. He needs to be there to see this thing destroyed.

He _needs_ it.

He needs to know that after all this they didn’t fail.

Bodhi looks up at Luke.

“I w-want to be there,” he tells Luke and both Luke and the nurse almost goggle at him.

“The flaw in the p-plans it’s… I am a-almost p-positive they are going to n-need pilots. _I’m a pilot._ I have to be there,” he says and both Luke and the nurse reply at the same time.

“Wait, you’re a pilot too?” Luke asks with a sudden smile, clearly distracted from the point at hand for a moment while the nurse replies

“ _Absolutely not_. We just fixed you up, you think you can just head back out there?”

Luke looks between him and Nurse Temple, the grin fading fast. He stumbles to his feet to go and stand by Bodhi’s bed.

“Why do you have to be there?” he asks softly and there’s worry in his eyes.

“I _h-have_ to… I promised Galen and he’s d-dead and you didn’t see Scariff,” his eyes are wide as he meets Luke’s.

“You didn’t s-see the _bodies…_ So _many_ died f-for this and I h-have to see it through,” he says and can feel his pulse pounding in his ears as Luke stares down at him, bright eyed and pale.

“And what about your arm?” Nurse Temple asks from where she stands watching them with a frown and something bitter lingering around her mouth.

“I just need to p-push buttons and grip the c-control column,” he says breathlessly.

“I don’t even have to s-stand,” he adds and Luke stares down at him, his blue eyes shadowed. He asks slowly,

“Are you sure?”

And in answer to his question and just to prove that he can, Bodhi reaches up and grabs Luke’s wrist with his bad arm. The cast does help, he still can’t hide the wince and he knows Luke sees it. Still, Luke looks down at Bodhi’s hand and then back at him with a new grin forming. He’s the one that looks back at the nurse.

“Well, I’m a pilot too. If we’re both allowed to fly than I’ll keep an eye on him,” he says and she nods soberly before turning to leave, muttering under her breath. Bodhi looks up to call after her,

“Th-thanks...for helping w-with my arm,” he says and she sighs.

Without turning around, she says, “Drink plenty of fluids, you need to replenish.”

And with that she leaves them both staring after her.

\---

As soon as they enter the med-bay Chewie lets out a long strange sort of howl and Leia turns to glare at both of them.

“If you two can’t be quiet and behave I will remove you myself,” she tells them both with such obvious irritation that both of them look away almost like they’re abashed. Somewhere behind her, she hears, “Oh great. A wookiee.”

She turns to see a dark skinned nurse eyeing them all looking distinctly put upon.

“If he breaks anything or anybody, I will bury all of you,” she says with a stabbing finger pointed in their direction.

At that moment Luke comes racing around a corner down the long hallway and comes running over to them. The nurse turns back to look and sighs at the boy’s approach.

“No wait, let me guess. _More_ friends?” she asks and Luke stares at her for a moment before running up to Leia.

“I can show you where Bodhi is, we wanted to talk to you about something,” he says breathlessly and that can’t be good so she follows as Luke leads them all down the hallways to a room with guards at the door.

A glance shows Han and Chewie are behind her looking almost spooked and the guards move aside to let them in without a word.

Bodhi looks small and pale surrounded by clean white sheets, but she notices that his good arm and both legs have restraints. She turns around to glare at the guards.

“Is that _necessary?_ ” she demands and both of them cough and shuffle before the one on the left says,

“Orders ma’am.”

She scoffs and goes to stand beside Bodhi’s bed.

“You might like to know that we found the flaw in the plans,” she says softly and his eyes light up. Beside her Luke breaks into a grin that’s brimming with relief.

“Th-that’s what I wanted t-to talk to you about,” Bodhi replies and that light fades, replaced something else.

“You’re going to be s-sending out the X-Wings right?” he asks and she inclines her head slowly.

“We’re mobilizing the remaining Squadrons for an attack as soon as possible,” she says slowly and Bodhi looks at Luke for some reason, who nods at him like encouragement. Bodhi looks back at her with a determination that she’s only seen flashes of before.

“I need to be in one o-of those squadrons,” he says and she stares at him.

Luke beside her chimes in to say, “ _Both_ of us want to do something,” and he and Bodhi share a look while Leia feels her brows climbing towards her hairline.

From behind her, Han says aloud what she was thinking, “Kid, your arm is wrecked, how the kriff are you gonna fly an X-Wing like that?”

Chewie barks in what she thinks is agreement and Bodhi cranes his head to look at them where they stand by the door.

“I just n-need to be able to steer it and I can d-do that l-like this, look.”

He slowly holds up his injured arm in it’s plasteel cast and makes a fist. His mouth locks in a tight grimace, but he doesn’t make a sound until he drops it back to the mattress and exhales through his nose.

“And I _n-need_ to be there...after everything that’s h-happened… I need to see this done,” he says and he locks eyes with Leia, his gaze burning with that determination and he doesn’t have to say it’s about Jedha and Alderaan. She remembers the words in his file. ‘ _Home Planet: Jedha’_ and she knows what happened there. He doesn’t have to say he wants justice for his home because she knows the feeling far too well.

It’s a terrible thing to share, but she understands.

She turns to Luke next, “And you Luke? You can fly an X-Wing?” she asks and he nods emphatically.

“Yeah, I flew a T-16 back home.  They aren’t that different,” he tells her with that bright-eyed grin and Han scoffs behind her. Luke glances back at him,“What?” he asks, sounding almost defensive and Han is shaking his head at them.

“I think you all are crazy or possibly suicidal,” he says.

Bodhi grabs at her wrist with the bad arm and his grip is tight and his eyes are pleading.

“Will you d-do it?” he asks and she sighs as Luke turns back to her as well with so much hope in his eyes.

Mothma gave her the clearance to make decisions...As long as it wasn’t a terrible one and she’s not sure the council would view this as a good choice. And yet…

“They might expect you to accept commissions with us in order to fly with the squadrons,” she says slowly and they both nod in immediate acceptance of this, but she stares down at Bodhi.

“If you accept a commission then when the council decides how to handle the events on Scariff...you could be tried as a member of the Alliance rather than a civilian,” she tells him carefully. Beside her Luke startles a little looking down at Bodhi with a new worry and Bodhi shakes his head.

“I d-don’t care, please… _I’m the pilot_ I _have_ to be there.”

She can’t say no… She does not have the strength to say no to that.

“Okay, I’ll send word to General Dodonna and Senator Mothma. They’ll send somebody for you,” she tells them both and Bodhi shuts his eyes with relief, Luke has a hand on his shoulder as he looks at her and Han with a grin.

She sincerely hopes she has not just agreed to their demise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you think there was a universe in which I WASN'T going to have Bodhi fly an X-Wing in the Death Star Assault??? Really??? But hE's ThE pILoT *sobs* HE HAS TO DO THE THING... I did make it harder for him with the broken arm though...sorry about the that.
> 
> Also realistically there must be at least ONE other nurse aside from Claire in this med-bay but I am too lazy to write another OC when the Claire Temple show is really fun for me to write so...yeah...I'm going to claim artistic license on this one. And one more thing for the maybe 2% of people who like Star Wars and have listened to Cabin Pressure? Han's 'yep' thing. Imagine the tone of that mechanic who was helping Mr. Shappey steal a plane in St. Petersburg because I was hearing it that way and that was very funny to me.
> 
> Next chapter is indeed going to have a Draven POV so hold onto your buckets! It's gonna get a little bumpy (I don't know what that even means with regards to a fic I'm just being funny)


	36. Complicated Beasts(Draven/Leia)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man all y'all in living in the US like me...how you doing? You tired? I'm so fucking tired. Call your rep about the healthcare vote if you can guys. Their new bill is as shitty as the old one
> 
> Anyway thanks as always to Jimmy-Rustled-Bird for the corrections and thanks to aewgliriel for the useful Star Wars knowledge

_“Because humans are complicated beasts,” the monster said. “How can a queen be both a good witch and a bad witch? How can a prince be a murderer and a saviour? How can an apothecary be evil-tempered but right-thinking? How can a parson be wrong-thinking but good-hearted? How can invisible men make themselves more lonely by being seen?”_

_―A Monster Calls, Patrick Ness_

\---

People have called General Davits Draven a lot of things, but kind has never been on that list. He is not a kind man...sometimes he isn’t sure if he is even a _good_ man.

Nonetheless, there are a few things that Draven knows with so much certainty that it makes it hard to sleep at night.

Firstly, the day the Alliance dies will be the day that spells their inevitable demise. The Alliance _has_ to survive if they are going to survive. Without the Alliance and the Rebellion they will surely be destroyed.

Second, the biggest threat to the Alliance is the Alliance. If there is one thing he can possibly say that he envies about the Empire, it is that their forces do not question. Every Imperial moves in lock step towards their goal of dominating the galaxy. The Rebellion on the other hand, fights for freedom and individuality the downside being every soldier, senator, and doctor has the freedom and individuality to muck things up.

It’s not as though he wishes to be surrounded by brainwashed Alliance soldiers because that is _not_ what he wishes for. At the same time, the Alliance is constantly fighting with itself because everyone in it has their own ideas. It makes it harder for the Rebellion to even exist when everyone in it has their own ideas about how to do things.

Draven has given his soul to the Rebellion. He’s given blood, sweat, and bone in order to ensure its continued existence. He continues the Rebellion, and the Alliance by extension, with _any_ means necessary.

Third, the knowledge of Alderaan and whereabouts of Princess Leia after the attack on Scariff came from him. He was the one who spoke with Jyn and the pilot, all the while knowing the crew of the Rogue One mission had committed mutiny and would be charged with that upon their return.

He was skeptical about the plans then, but not skeptical enough to turn away a chance at retrieving them. So he gave her the one scrap of information they had. Princess Leia was surely long gone from Alderaan, there was no real risk to sharing this information and then it was radio silence up until he received the comm from the princess just hours before their arrival.

The problem with the mutiny is that he does not actually disagree with their choices. If the plans come to fruition, it could save the Rebellion and that is not something to shrug off lightly. But, the Rebellion and the Alliance are fragile, breakable things. The slightest impact could send their forces scattering to the winds. A mutiny whispers of disorder in their ranks. That disobedience must be stamped out before it flowers and blooms into something cancerous that could eat at them from the inside.

If the mutiny goes unanswered, every soldier with an idea of how they alone can fix things would go running off and getting themselves killed at best, compromising the security and secrecy of the Alliance at worst.

Rogue One has to answer for committing mutiny. The council had emphatically agreed on this, some of them wanted Princess Leia tried as well for knowingly leading the Empire to Yavin IV. Privately, he agrees that with a planet killer they would not be able to run forever.

(And if he wasn’t sure if he believed the strength of the Death Star before, reports confirmed Alderaan is nothing but dust now and so he _has_ to believe it.)

The Rebellion cannot survive a Death Star and yet they will have to respond to the ones that potentially saved them from it with force. Such is the cruel irony that rules the galaxy.

He did not enjoy watching their arrest. Still, he knows their arrest went as well as could be expected. In many ways it was optimal. Public enough that others will have seen it and talk of it will spread throughout the camp, making it an effective deterrent against this sort of behavior in the future.

Some would say that’s not his job, but intelligence is about seeing the crisis before it occurs, about preventing catastrophes before they start. In his eyes this was very much in his purview, if only because it would go a long way towards preventing the kind of breaches in security and intelligence that could come from a Rogue One copycat.

He knew a few soldiers on the security detail were some of the ones that were angry at the Rogue One crew for the loss of their fellows. He also knew that Kes Dameron was friendly enough with Cassian and was not supposed to be working a security detail. He allowed both to remain hoping one would counterbalance the other. He wanted a public display of force, and as is so often the case he got more than he asked for.

It would be a most effective deterrent for quelling this kind of behavior in the future because of that.

And it turned his stomach to see it.

\---

When the analysts announce they found the flaw in the reactor he can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. It was a gamble to not immediately pick up and evacuate when Leia informed them of what was coming ( _How long could they run?_ He had argued). In the end the gamble had paid off.

He watches the other General’s planning strategy for a time before he slips out of the room and takes a walk in the direction of the med-bay. The information was his job. What the strategists decide to do with it is of less immediate concern. He will be back when they brief the pilots.

His chrono reads seven hours until the Death Star’s estimated arrival.

When he reaches the med-bay, he stops a passing droid for directions. Once the droid buzzes it out for him he heads down the hall in long steady strides.

He really hates the med-bay. He’s rarely in the field anymore and so he doesn’t have to come here often.

The smell of bacta and the dry sterile air make him itch.

He turns a corner and locates room 341A and finds the doorway blocked by the guards he assigned.

“Gentlemen,” he says and they both turn to him, hurry to salute, and move out of his way to reveal Jyn Erso with some unexpected company.

One of the guardians from Jedha sits by her bedside in spite of the fact that he was supposed to remain in holding with his partner in their own room.

It explains why there are three guards instead of two at the door, but not why he’s here instead of where he ought to be. Upon hearing his arrival, the guardian Baze Malbus looks at him with a glare that could peel paint.

Malbus is seated beside the girl’s bed, a large hand resting on her forehead as she trembles from head to toe, pale and tear stained. She opens her eyes at the sound of his entrance as well and glances over at him for just a moment before letting her eyes close again like she’s trying to block him out. He can see the skin on her wrist looks raw beneath the restraints. There’s a sinking feeling as he asks delicately, “Is something the matter?”

He can see the girl’s jaw tighten, but it’s the guardian who speaks.

“The restraints are a problem,” he says and Draven opens his mouth to reply and stops. Leia said Jyn Erso may have been questioned by an Imperial interrogator. That’s the polite way of suggesting she may have been tortured. The girl has bruising on her face and neck that are consistent with those techniques. Most interrogations involve the subject being put in restraints he knows that from experience on both sides of an interrogation.

He glances behind him at the two guards.

“Sergeant Pavil, Private Dobbs, have you witnessed any distress from the prisoner?” he asks, again sounding careful. They share a look of almost confusion. Either they are confused by the question or his reason for asking.

Private Dobbs eventually replies slowly, watching Draven with his over-large wide set eyes and gray skin, “Sir, your orders were to detain them,” he says and it sounds like a question despite being a statement. Draven sighs, glancing back at the girl and the guardian, they watch him with suspicion. He faces the guards again.

“In the future, private, consider using your better judgment as well. We’re not _stormtroopers,_ if a prisoner is displaying extreme signs of mental distress, inform your superior officer,” he says in clipped tones and both of the guards stare at him from beneath their helmets.

He pays them no mind and turns back to the girl.

“If you make any attempt to flee the premises without express permission from a higher ranking official such as myself, you will be back in those restraints before you can say ‘Alliance’ _is that clear?_ ” and the girl nods, still eyeing him warily.

He jerks his chin at Sergeant Pavil who hesitantly steps forward with the keys to the girl’s restraints. Draven has to gesture the man forward before he finally approaches the girl’s bed.

Despite this being her release, the girl still flinches when the sergeant puts a hand on her wrist to insert the key in the restraint and Draven bites the inside of his cheek.

When the restraints are all off, the girl breathes a shuddering sigh of relief and sits up on the bed, letting her feet dangle off the edge, her hands brace against the mattress.

She takes another deep breath and roughly wipes at her face with a shaking hand. The guardian remains in his seat, watching both her and Draven with keen eyes.

When the girl has gathered herself she asks, “What do you want?” her voice is rough and unsteady, but her words are brusque and to the point. Although he’s still formulating a reply when she adds like an afterthought.  “I hope you don’t expect a _thank you._ ”

Draven sighs and shakes his head. “Fortunately, I expect no such thing,” he tells her, “I was simply coming to inform you that the intelligence from your father was correct. A flaw in the Death Star plans has been found and we are planning an attack imminently.”

The girl jolts up to stare at him, her eyes going wide and for a moment he wonders if she’s forgotten to breathe. When she does, it’s ragged exhale and her hands clench against the mattress, her knuckles going white. He continues, “This does not change the Rebellion’s attitudes on your mutinous actions on the Rogue One mission. But I suspected… You would appreciate this information.”

And the girl is still staring at him, shock mixing with some form of incredulity. He thinks he may have just surprised her. That’s a fair reaction considering she has surprised him as well. He has nothing more to say so he simply inclines his head and says, “Good day Ms. Erso,” and turns to leave.

Once again, the guards move aside, openly staring at him as he walks out of the room.

It seems he is full of surprises today. That might be amusing if it weren’t for the planet killer bearing down on them.

\---

Han had waited there patiently while she found a scrap of paper to write a note informing General Dodonna and Senator Mothma of Bodhi and Luke’s plans to fly in the squadrons. She found that nurse and asked if she could find a messenger to pass the note along. The woman sighed but agreed, and then gave them directions to Jyn and Cassian’s rooms before walking off. With her gone, Leia heads towards Cassian’s first with Han and Chewie following behind. She glances back at the pair as they walk and wonders again why Han is still here. By the third glance she bursts out,

“You know where Jyn’s room is now, you could just go. I need to speak with Cassian first so you're welcome to go,” she makes a shooing motion at him and he sighs shrugging his shoulders.

“Princess I’m pretty sure I would get my ass thrown in a cell if I tried to muscle past these guards without you around,” he says and that stops her for a moment because, he _actually has a point_.

Then she starts up again and dutifully, so does he.

They reach the room she thinks must be Cassian’s from the guards in the doorway. They scuttle aside at her approach and Cassian’s turned to face the wall. As much as one can with those kriffing restraints anyway.

She’s about to open her mouth to say something when Chewie lets out a low howl and Cassian startles and turns to look at them.

“Princess Leia,” he says like a statement and a greeting. His eyes are wide and sleep circled. Chewie must have woken him.

“Captain Andor,” she replies with an incline of her head.

“I have news you might like to hear,” she continues and he sits up as much as the restraints will allow, his gaze locking onto her with a laser like focus.

“We found the flaw in the Death Star plans, we’re organizing the attack now.”

He stares at her, for a moment hardly moving. Suddenly he breathes out a long sigh of relief and lets himself lay flat on the bed again. The movement makes him wince.

“Good,” he says finally and she nods.

When he looks at her again the relief is gone.

“Have you told the others? Do you know how they are?”

“I spoke to Bodhi, he wants to fly in the squadron,” she says and Cassian shuts his eyes like the idea physically pains him.

“Of course he does,” he murmurs, then his eyes open again to look at her.

“And Jyn?” he asks and she shakes her head.

“I’m going there next, I heard you collapsed when you were taken here and I wanted to see how you were,” she says and Cassian grimaces.

“I’m _fine,_ ” he says, sounding quite far from it. He glances over at her and sighs.  “Please just go see how she’s…” he trails off and looks away.

Leia bites her lip and counts to ten, the unfairness of it all hitting her like a punch in the stomach. She will not lose her temper here when the object of her anger is not present. She does not know these people well. But nobody deserves this, especially not those who have gone through so much already.

When she’s regained her calm, she walks up to stand beside his bed and puts a hand on his arm.

“I’ll see what I can do,” she tells him gently and then turns away letting her expression freeze over. Han stares as she brushes past him like he isn’t there.

Her father used to say there were times for diplomacy and times for something that hits a little harder. She has Mothma’s permission so long as she doesn’t do anything stupid. Luckily she is many things, but she has never been stupid and she’s got ice in her veins.

\---

Draven passes Leia, the smuggler, and his wookiee in the hall. The princess sends a frigid glare his way as they pass.

He wonders if she’s talked to Mothma yet.

He doesn’t particularly fear retribution for his actions. He’ll get a slap on the wrist at most since the Rebellion can’t afford to lose any of its skilled officers. Not with the way the Rebellion accumulates casualties so quickly and so easily.

Perhaps a suspension from duties, or a talk of some sort, but no meaningful punishment will fall on him for his part.

Although he will definitely have to explain himself if the fact that he told Jyn Erso the whereabouts of Princess Leia are revealed. If they are, his logic is easily explained, but a few members on the council will surely be leery of his actions.

He puts that aside when he reaches Cassian’s room. The guards move aside when he motions and Cassian is cuffed to the bed, just like the girl, but much calmer. His glance slides to where Draven stands in the doorway and then rolls away again.

“What do you want?” Cassian asks.

Draven is very tempted to make a wry comment about how what he wants today seems to be a heavy topic of conversation.

He won’t of course, that would be not be appropriate in this current situation.

“I wanted to speak with you on a few matters, captain,” he says keeping to the proper formal tone.

“At this rate I might not be captain much longer,” Cassian replies, exhaustion sharpening his accent. A relic he’s never quite managed to shake from a decimated home he cannot go back to.

The years they’ve known each other should matter very little to the current situation, and yet it is difficult to separate the two. He has seen Captain Andor when he was nothing more than a boy going on his first reconnaissance mission. He was the one who allowed Cassian to keep that irritant droid of his. He’s seen this young man return from a mission overjoyed by their success and he’s seen him broken by the most painful failures.

He remembers the times he had to drag Cassian to the med-bay by his ear when he insisted he was ‘fine’ all too well.

The job has necessitated a lot of time in each other’s company. One might say he knows Cassian Andor better than most others on this base.

And yet Cassian is not his friend, not when he is a superior officer. But still, the captain has been a familiar presence over these long years. One might say he’s grown fond, but he wouldn’t.

In reply to the captain’s comment he says, “Be that as it may, I thought you might like to know we found the flaw in the Death Star plans.”

Cassian cranes his head to look Draven in the eye and he seems almost… Amused of all things.

“Yeah, Princess Leia already let me know… In case you were hoping for some _reaction_ to the news,” Cassian says turning back to stare at the ceiling.

“You are happy at the news, I would imagine?” Draven asks and Cassian sighs.

“What do you want, General?” he asks again and Draven clasps his hands behind his back and stands up a little straighter.

“You must have known there would be a fallout from your actions,” Draven says and Cassian glances at him, one quick look and then back to the ceiling tiles. They are off-white and cracked in places.

“I wasn’t really thinking that far ahead, but yes… I knew,” he agrees.

For a moment neither of them speak and he’s tempted to check his chrono and see how much closer they are to Death Star’s imminent and lethal arrival. But there is another question that’s been nagging at him and so he asks,

“I’m curious Captain. We intercepted the reports after your exit from Eadu. Galen Erso was killed by our bombs and not by a blaster shot.”

Cassian’s gaze slides over to him again.

“He was dispatched either way, so the fact you didn’t pull the trigger is fairly moot but…” Draven trails off and Cassian almost smirks, but there’s no joy in it.

“You’re wondering why I didn’t take the shot,” he says and Draven inclines his head in the affirmative. Cassian sighs, letting his eyes close.  “Why do you think?”

Draven assumed it was the girl. He assumed Cassian had finally become compromised by that little scrap of a thing and he can’t possibly comprehend it, but the signs are clear enough. When Draven doesn’t respond Cassian opens his eyes to look at him.

“While we’re on the subject of answering questions, it _was_ you who told Jyn of Leia’s last known whereabouts... Why?” he asks and it’s Draven’s turn to exhale slowly.

“You of all people should understand the benefits.You had already gone rogue and ‘near a planet’ is hardly the sort of intel that could really have endangered the princess when she was obviously already in Imperial hands. There was nothing to be lost by passing the information on and everything to be gained if you successfully obtained the plans and they truly contained that flaw. It was an easy gamble and it paid off,” he says easily and Cassian’s jaw tightens but he doesn’t look at Draven.

There isn’t really any more time to waste so he takes a step towards the door when Cassian asks. “General, may I make a request?” he asks and Draven stops his step.

“You may,” he says and Cassian looks away from him, swallowing hard.

“Can you leave orders for the guards to take these restraints off Jyn? I’m...” he trails off.

“Already done,” he says and now it’s Cassian’s turn to stare at him.

Apparently Draven is just _full_ of surprises today.

“I’m not interested in cruelty for its own sake, captain,” he says and he turns towards the door.

“No, you’re only interested in cruelty when it benefits you or your goals,” Cassian says low and swift at his back. He can feel the young man’s bitterness like a pulse beneath the skin.

“Correct captain, good day,” he says and then he leaves.

There are too many unasked questions sitting like dead air between them.

The Nurse is waiting outside the door with her arms folded. As he passes, she moves to enter Cassian’s room.

“Nurse what’s his prognosis?” he asks and her gaze is harsh as it lands on him.

One hand plants on her hip as she says, “With two more bacta treatments and some rest, he should make an almost total recovery. His ribs may be more susceptible to future breaks seeing as he re-broke them while they were still healing. It weakens the bone and we can’t fix that entirely.”

There’s a hint of fresh guilt at the thought of re-broken bones.

When he doesn’t immediately respond the nurse asks, “Is that all sir? I have a patient who needs to be put in a bacta tank for the next hour, so if you don’t mind?” her tone features no patience.

“Of course, carry on,” he says and turns to leave the med bay, finally checking his chrono. Six hours to go now. Five by the time Cassian gets out of the bacta.

They are running out of time and fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How can I put this...Did I become a one woman Draven defender? Um...well let me put it this way, it’s very likely he will be in part 2 of this in some form and I don’t particularly consider him to be an antagonist? Not with edgelord Vader running around anyway? Take all of this how you will, I’m just here enjoying this moral gray area I’ve made my bed in. Also Draven got SUPER British here...like he’s just a hop skip and a jump away from saying ‘pip pip keep calm and carry on’ or something. 
> 
> In other news I think in part 2 of this I will not be pulling a line from the poetry/lyrics excerpts and stuff for chapter titles anymore? Just ‘Chapter 1(Jyn)’ and so on. I feel like pulling a line for the title kind of overemphasizes that one piece when usually I’m thinking about the excerpt as a whole(Also not all these literary bits lend themselves to short snappy titles. I’ve not used a couple for that reason and that’s annoying)


	37. An Ocean Growing Inside (Jyn/Luke)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Jimmy Rustled Bird and aewgliriel for the grammar and Star Wars lore help respectively

_All this running around_  
_Trying to cover my shadow_  
_An ocean growing inside_  
_Now all the others seem shallow_  
_All this running around_  
_Bearing down on my shoulders_  
_I can hear an alarm_  
_Must be morning_

_—Let it Happen, Tame Impala_

_\---_

Jyn is still shaking. Her heart’s still beating too fast. She wants to tell her body to _stop_.

She should be calm now, _there’s no reason not to be._

Her wrists are burning, and she keeps rubbing at the raw skin.

“Stop that,” the nurse tells Jyn, batting her hand away from her wrist. In the nurse’s other hand is a roll of bandages which she begins to wrap around the wrist she just saved from Jyn’s fidgeting hands.

Jyn startles at the nurse’s touch and from the way she looked at Jyn, she noticed. Her mouth turns down at the corners as she glares at the guards for what must be the hundredth time.

When one wrist has been fully wrapped in a clean white bandage, the nurse lets go of it and picks up the other. Jyn startles again and the nurse doesn’t comment.

Mentally Jyn tells herself to _calm down._

It doesn’t work.

Baze is still sitting with her. Like a silent anchor to keep her from getting lost in the currents.

She wonders if it’s possible to have a panic attack that lasts all day. She wonders if it would feel better or worse to start crying.

“Jyn? Do you mind if I call you Jyn?” The nurse is asking.

It’s hard to get out of her own head enough to respond, like pulling her feet out of quicksand.

“Sure, whatever,” Jyn says and the nurse stares at her for a moment longer. Jyn knows how she must look. Ragged and like a coil twisted too tight. Like the last straw or the end of the rope.

“Are you okay enough to get an update on your leg?” she asks and it takes Jyn a minute to even process the question. Finally, she shrugs and the nurse nods and looks down at her data reader.

“Well, based on the damage to the muscles, I’m guessing you spent a lot of time on your feet after you were stabbed. The wound you got from a blaster before was only half healed in the first place, that’s where the infection set in...” she trails off to glance at Jyn once before continuing, “The infection, plus all that time working injured muscles did some damage to the area. Bacta can fix most of it, but not all of it.”

Jyn’s still breathing too fast and her ears are ringing. She still manages to ask.

“So what does all that mean?”

The nurse sighs and puts down the data reader.

“It means you’ll have a wicked scar. And it’s very possible you will have to deal with mild to moderate pain in that leg for the rest of your life. It shouldn’t hinder your mobility, it will most likely just be a discomfort.”

Jyn stares at the nurse almost feeling a lack of comprehension.

Baze rests a hand on her arm. Ever the silent guardian, she wonders if he’s trying to guard her sanity now.

She thinks she can deal with pain if it’s just pain, she _thinks_ she can do that… Maybe she can’t. Maybe she can… Chirrut would tell her that only time will tell.

Her mother used to say the worst part of getting old was the aches and complaints of an aging body. Maybe she’s starting early. Her mother never really got to grow old.

Finally, she nods to the nurse and that’s when they both hear a forceful, “ _Move_ ,” from behind the guards who practically jump out of the way of one angry looking Princess Leia. Han is behind her looking almost stunned and Chewie is behind him.

The whole scene is almost comical as they file into the room. The angry princess, the befuddled smuggler, and the wookiee all turn to stare at Jyn. She feels like she heard a joke once that began this way, but she’s not in the mood to laugh.

Leia stops at the sight of Jyn, her brows climbing into her forehead.

“They let you out of the...” Leia says and points at the empty cuffs on her bed. Jyn nods.

“Draven did.”

“Draven?” Leia repeats and she shrugs.

“Did he tell you about the plans?” Leia asks.

“Yeah, he did,” Jyn says and for some reason she adds, “I think he felt bad... I was kind of having a panic attack.”

She hates how shaky she still sounds.

“I hate to break it to you, I’m pretty sure you still _are_ having a panic attack,” the nurse says, looking somewhere between wry and sympathetic from where she stands glancing between them. There is a moment of quiet and the nurse holds up her hands like a small surrender.

“I’ll give you all some privacy,” she says like it's a joke and she leaves the room. They all watch her go and then glance around at each other in silence.

“Damn kid, you really look like hell,” Han says from where he stands closer to the door and Jyn fiddles with the edge of the bandage on her wrists before glancing up at him.

“So I’ve heard.” The words come out as dry as Tatooine and Han stares at her, then Leia.

“You know, now would be the perfect time to just _leave,”_ he says gesturing at the door. The guards stare at him incredulously and Leia waves them off.

“That general said the Death Star was 12 hours away? What is it 6 hours now? What is stopping you from getting the hell _out of here_?” he asks, drawing the words out for emphasis and Jyn shakes her head.

“Aside from two obvious reasons why,” she nods at the guards, “I can’t go yet.” Han makes an exasperated sound.

“Why _not_? Why are you sticking around for these people?” he demands, sounding frustrated for reasons that Jyn knows all too well.

“Because it’s not _done yet._ I need to see this done,” she tells him, “I _need_ that thing to be destroyed and I don’t care if they throw me in a cell afterwards.”

She can see that he doesn’t understand, but she keeps talking. Feels her heart try to pound through her chest while she shakes in alternating rhythms that collide in her spine and she keeps trying to make him understand.

“My father _died_ trying to save the Rebellion. _I nearly died._ Cassian, Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut, K-2, I don’t even _know_ the names of all the soldiers that died on Scariff. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I left now,” she says and she’s run out of things to say and air to say them. From where he sits, Baze claps her on the arm with a look that’s almost proud. She glances back at him with a smile, a shaky fragile smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Han stares at her without speaking for a long moment, his mouth in a thin line.

“You’re crazy, you’re _all_ crazy.” he waves a hand at the door like he can encompass more than those in this room.

“And _you_ ,” he points at her with one stabbing finger, “You’ve got a death wish. Well, _not me sister._ I plan to live a good _long_ life somewhere far away from here,” he says low and heated, like a simmer coming to boil.

“Well, good luck then,” she tells him and she means it. She remembers what it was like before, when running was all that mattered.

“I don’t know why I try,” Han mutters to himself as he heads out the door. Chewie lets out a low whine and she aims another smile his way.

“Good luck to you too Chewbacca,” she says and the wookiee waves, his head bowing a little with sadness before following Han out the door. Leia watches them go with a look Jyn can’t quite discern.

“Good luck?” the princess asks softly once they’ve gone.

“Neither of us really believe in the Force, it didn’t seem right,” Jyn murmurs still watching the doorway, the edges of her mouth twisting down.

“That’s awfully respectful of you,” Leia murmurs.

“I remember when I used to think that way,” Jyn replies, staring at the doorway before looking back at Leia.

“You’ve had time to check in with the others right? How are they?” Jyn asks.

“Cassian’s fine,” Leia says before adding, “He was worried about you by the way… In case that’s of any interest to you.” The words are edging towards amusement and Jyn looks away, her cheeks burning.

“What about Bodhi?” she asks and Leia sighs.

“He wants to fly in the squadron. So does Luke.”

Jyn freezes, feeling like all the blood just drained out of her body. She looks up at Leia with a new horror and Leia keeps talking.

“He says he needs to see this thing through and I couldn’t say no… Not after Jedha…” Leia trails off and Jyn can feel her heart still pounding. She doesn’t need Leia to explain. She was there when Jedha was reduced to dust. If she could see the Death Star burn for herself she would do it in a heartbeat.

She also knows how likely it is that he could die out there, lost to the cold unforgiving black of space.

“I need to see him,” she says.

“Jyn…” Leia says her name like she’s already gearing up to say no, it’s not possible and they’ve already given her so much leeway. There’s too much sympathy in her voice.

“What do you think the odds are for his surviving this?” Jyn demands, the words lashing out like a whip. Leia’s mouth twists.

“I would guess the odds are not good,” she says softly.

Jyn doesn’t know how to explain, with all the dead, every one of them that’s alive matters. She doesn’t know how to explain that Bodhi is one of _hers_ and it’s been so long since she’s had _anybody._ She doesn’t know how to say that she’s scared to use the word ‘family’ in case saying it aloud would give the galaxy power to take it away. What she says is,

“ _I need to see Bodhi,_ ” and white knuckles the edges of the bed. Baze gets up out of his seat to stand beside her. It feels like an act of solidarity and intimidation.

“I’m just not sure you can see him _now,_ ” Leia says eyeing both of them with a sympathetic exasperation. The guards at the door shift around audibly and Leia glares at them.

‘If he hasn’t already been pulled out of here to get his gear sorted than he’s probably resting, which we both know is something he definitely ought to be doing.”

“When can I see him?” Jyn asks and it sounds like begging. She hates the sound of it.

“I don’t know Jyn, but would you believe me if I said I will make sure you see him before he gets into an X-Wing?” she asks and Jyn looks her up and down. She remembers the moments of real sadness she saw in this girl when she spoke of Alderaan. She remembers that flinty look in the girl’s eyes when she stared down Draven on the landing pad.

“Yes I do,” Jyn tells her and Leia actually smiles this time.

“Good,” she says.

“Good,” Jyn replies and she lets out a long breath and lets go of the mattress. She leans forward, bracing an elbow on her knee and digging a hand into her hair. She should try to fix her hair back into something resembling the tail it was supposed to be pulled back into. Now it’s as ragged a mess as the rest of her. She pulls hard on her hair, feeling it tug at the roots. She keeps pulling because the pain of it grounds her.

Her hands are still trembling.

“And you said Cassian’s okay?” she asks, her voice coming out smaller than she’d like.

“Jyn,” Leia says, still standing there watching her with some new firmness set around her mouth.

“Would you feel better, getting the kriff out of here?” she asks, waving a hand at their surroundings and Jyn gapes.

“Ma’am General Draven said—” One of the guards begins and Leia whirls on them,

“Oh, did he now? Wonderful. I am under orders from Senator Mothma so _please_ let Draven know and I’ll tell him where he can put _his_ orders.” she says with such an icy ferocity, that when Jyn glances over at Baze his eyebrows are shooting upwards. Leia faces them once more with that calm back in place, “ Jyn?” she asks with just her name in an echo of her previous question. Jyn looks around the room knowing that it doesn’t _look_ like the Death Star. It’s less gray and the walls are dingier. But something about this room, the sterile nature of it and the cuffs on the bed are still making her anxious.

It’s not panic anymore, but it’s near enough that Jyn nods emphatically.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” she says and Leia nods before looking up at Baze.

“Apologies Mr. Malbus but I don’t think I could justify letting all of you out, would you mind going back with Master Imwe?” she asks and Baze actually grins at her. He rests a big hand on Jyn’s shoulder and murmurs

“ _See you soon, little sister,_ ” before casually striding out the door. One of the guards peels off and follows him leaving Leia and Jyn alone with the other two guards.

“You two are dismissed, Jyn is in _my custody._ ”

“But the general...” One of them sputters and Leia takes a step towards them. Despite being so small she is the tallest one in the room.

“I have had a very trying day, following a very trying week. I recently had to escape torture and an Imperial installation and I am very tired, so believe me when I say, do not test me or _you will regret it_ ,” and with that, the two soldiers bolt leaving a small girl in a white dress alone in the doorway.

She sighs before turning to Jyn.

“You have orders?” Jyn asks feeling bewildered. Leia smiles crookedly.

“Not really, but I have Mon Mothma's permission so long as I don’t do anything stupid and I’ve been dying to tell Draven to stuff it,” she says and Jyn stares, feeling wonder turn to worry.

“Are you sure this isn’t stupid?” she asks and Leia shrugs.

“Not really, but since we all might die in a few hours I’m sure everyone has bigger concerns on their minds,” she says and Jyn’s mouth hangs open. The princess pays that no mind and continues, “Now let me go get the nurse, I don’t actually know if you're cleared to leave.” Her tone is wry and she turns to leave, but hesitates in the doorway.

“I think it’s probably obvious, but it bears mentioning. Don’t run off, you could get me into a mountain of trouble if you did, and that would be a very poor way of repaying a kindness.”

She leaves without another word and Jyn stares after her in confounded silence.

\---

Between him and Nurse Temple they managed to make Bodhi down an absurdly large glass of water, a protein pack, and a fluid replenishment pack. Then the nurse ordered Bodhi to rest and he seemed all too willing to comply.

With Bodhi asleep again, and peacefully this time, Luke didn’t know what to do with himself. Nobody specified when somebody would come to get them their gear and in the meantime he has nothing to do.

That was awhile ago and now Luke stands outside the door to Bodhi’s room. He was worrying that he was fidgeting too loudly and might wake the other pilot. So he stands in the hall now and fidgets as Han and Chewie come storming past him.

“Hey Han wait!” he calls out running after the man. Han stops and turns to face him looking intensely irritated.

“What is it kid? I haven’t got all day.”

“Where are you going?” Luke asks, because earlier he’d been walking around with Leia and Luke has always been nosy and this base is _huge._ He wants to think it will help if he knows what direction his friends are headed in.

Mostly he’s just nosy and wants to know why Han seems ready to gut a bantha.

“I got my money. Now I’m getting off this rock,” Han snaps and Luke gapes at him

“You’re leaving?” he asks and Han wheels around to tell him,

“That's right, yeah! I got some old debts I've got to pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you?”

Luke stares at the man. He knew Han was many things, grumpy and greedy. But he had thought there was more. He thought he had _seen_ more.

“Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them,” Luke tells him and he’s starting to realize that this man may not be his friend at all.

Nothing more than a selfish smuggler and Han confirms it when he says,“What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more like _suicide_.”

People have called him naive before. He has never felt so naive before this moment. He stares at Han feeling hurt above all else. After Ben, Aunt Beru, and Uncle Owen, who knew something as small as one person and his wookiee leaving could hurt so much?

He takes a step towards Han to better look down on the taller man.

“All right. Well, take care of yourself, Han. I guess that's what you're best at,” Luke says and turns away to go back to Bodhi’s room (at least Bodhi isn’t going anywhere for now). He glances back to see Han stuck where he left him. Something other than irritation and exasperation lining his features.

Luke begins to turn away, leaving the man behind when Han says, “Hey, Luke... May the Force be with you.”

Luke looks back again and nods, wondering why a selfish man would bother to wish him good luck. But he doesn’t have time for that. Those pilots should be coming soon to set up Bodhi and Luke with their gear.

Luke walks away, leaving the puzzling smuggler behind him. He wishes Ben were here. Ben would be able to explain everything. Why Han would leave? Why would Bodhi choose to fight with a broken arm? How does Jyn act so brave when she looks so scared? Or why does a Rebellion that’s so set on fighting evil seem so full of terrible people?

Luke wishes Ben were here more than anything. If only so he could explain all the things Luke doesn’t understand. Like why he chose to die.

\---

A new voice eventually distracts Luke from his brooding.

“So you’re a pilot too? You picked a hell of time to join the Alliance didn’t you?”

Luke turns around and sees Shara Bey in her orange flight suit looking him over with amusement.

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t harass you too much. But it is a requirement for all rookie’s to be teased at least a little,” she says and Luke feels himself beginning to smile back hesitantly.

“Now where’s your friend I was told I’m fetching two of you,” she says, looking around the med bay and he practically jumps.

“ _Oh!_ Of course, let me introduce you to Bodhi come on,” he says and he heads down the hall.

“Is he as adorable as you rookie?” she asks and Luke shakes his head a little because he isn’t sure how to answer that.

He opens the door and the pair of them squeeze past the guards. Luke goes to Bodhi’s bed to find him already blinking awake. Luke puts a hand on his arm,

“You ready to go?” he asks softly and Bodhi nods.

Shara is saying something to the guards and they come undo the restraints on Bodhi, while she stands in the doorway with a mischievous grin. When the guard steps back she says,

“Oh rookie, he _is_ cute. I am going to have so much fun with the both of you,” and Bodhi blinks at her, nonplussed.

“You do know that th-there’s a planet killer heading t-towards us and we might die in a few hours?” he asks her and Shara shrugs.

“I might die every time I climb into my X-Wing. That isn’t going to stop me from having a little fun now is it?”

Bodhi stares some more and Luke can’t help but goggle at her a little bit too. She shakes her head at both of them.

“You both want to fly don’t you? Then stop staring like fish and let’s get a move on. The mission briefing is in an hour and we need to scrounge up some gear in your sizes,” she says and Luke and Bodhi share a look before Bodhi slowly gets to his feet.

Luke stands a little too close, mostly because he’s afraid Bodhi might fall again for some reason, but he doesn’t. They both look back at Shara to see her eyes have gone a little softer as she takes in Bodhi’s cast and the rest of him.

“Broken wing is it?” she asks, looking at him and Bodhi straightens to stare at her almost defiantly. She scoffs and flaps a hand.

“No need to get ruffled, I’ve flown in plenty worse states than that, and your X-Wing will have two good wings to compensate for that one,” she points at his arm again as she says it and Luke is beginning to think he likes Shara Bey, but he also finds her deeply confusing.

“Now come on rookies, let's go get you kitted up,” she says and heads out into the hall without checking to see if they follow. They do and a glance behind shows the guards don’t.

“W-What’s the ETA on the Death Star?” Bodhi asks from beside Luke. Shara glances at them, the smile faded away and replaced with something more sober.

“Three hours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Shara turned out to be more fun than I expected. I kinda got a hint of that with her earlier but there were Serious Plot Things happening and so she had to kind of go to the background. But this was a fun surprise for me too. And Leia was fun in this chapter too, a nice mix of fuck it and fuck off. Although here is also another chapter where I have a background character literally just sitting and not speaking for his entire scene, sorry Baze you had to stay but you had nothing to say. Also yeah it's time for Han to go be a dumb dumb jerk and Jyn's like aw I remember when I was a jerk *sigh*
> 
> And for those who noticed why yes I did *officially* make this the first part of a series. It was fun to come up with a vague and poetical summary for the series as a whole given I haven't written a lot of it yet. Also did anybody see the first episode of American Gods when it came out last week? Hot damn.


	38. The Only Hope (Bodhi/Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Jimmy Rustled Bird for notes and encouragement and aewgliriel for the Star Wars help with all the things?

 

 _To hear the phrase “our only hope” always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn’t work, there is nothing left._ _  
_ _—Lemony Snicket_

\---

Bodhi wonders when all the gravity in the world shifted, or maybe when his own personal axis tilted. It feels like something turned at some point and he can’t say for sure if it was on the Death Star or Scariff or Jedha before that… Realistically it was probably Jedha, but then how come it has taken so long for him to feel this different?

Maybe the change came slowly like the shifting of tectonic plates or the slow erosion of stone worn down by the element known as time.

Whenever the change happened, he’s in it now and everything feels just a little strange. As they walk through the halls of the Rebellion headquarters and Shara makes small talk she calls him ‘brave.’

Her specific words were, “So _you’re_ the Imperial defector everyone was talking about? _Brave_ rookie,” she grinned at him and clapped a hand on his uninjured arm. For a moment he thought she was being serious, he’s pretty sure she was despite the mischief in her eyes. He’s known people like that, the ones who need to make everything a joke in order to stay sane. The Empire was full of people all too willing to joke about what they were doing and who they worked for. For some of them, he supposed it made it easier to handle the facts of that job and the beings who were dying because of it. So he’s pretty sure she was being serious when she called him brave.

Which leads him to consider why someone might call him brave. Maybe _objectively_ what he’s done looks brave. Maybe people would think what he’s going to do is brave.

The problem is it doesn’t feel brave, it feels necessary and he’s not quite sure how to explain that to Shara, or to Luke who stood there watching him with that look… That look like he completely agreed.

He had blushed and stuttered something that was practically inaudible and Shara grinned at him and kept on walking.

Now they are in some storage room full of half empty crates that Shara is digging through. She holds up a flight suit to Bodhi, her mouth at a dissatisfied tilt.

“You’re both so scrawny,” she muses before going back to rummaging in the box. Bodhi looks at Luke. He’s pretty sure he and Luke are normal sized, but neither of them say anything about it.

She comes back with another for Luke.

“It’ll be big on you but it should work.”

Then she finds one for Bodhi and hands it to him. She goes digging for helmets, she comes back with one for each of them and says,

“Now both of you go change to make sure it all fits. And Bodhi,” she practically twinkles in his direction, “I’m sure Luke can help you get yours on if that arm is giving you grief.”

Bodhi can feel his face heat up and a glance shows Luke is also blushing and staring at his feet.

Bodhi mumbles something and finds a dark corner of the storeroom hidden behind some shelves. A glance shows Luke doing the same. From where he stands he can hear Shara chuckle, most likely at them. He tunes her out, and the sounds of Luke getting changed as well.

He doesn’t like to feel so exposed around other people, it was hell living in a barracks with three others. It helped to try and ignore their presence as much as possible. He does the same now, unzipping and beginning to shrug out of his old grubby flight suit. He’s thankful for the worn gray undershirt beneath because it means he’s not completely bare.

His cast catches on the sleeve of the flight suit and he freezes a little at the sight of the Imperial insignia on the shoulder.

When he was still working for them this suit would have been pristine, the black and white Imperial logo would have shone like a brand. Now it looks almost faded beneath all the dirt and dust this suit has accumulated. But still, the brand remains.

He met Galen when he was still branded as one of them. He met Jyn and Cassian, Baze, Chirrut, and K-2 branded as one of them. He may have defected, but the brand remained, like a mark or maybe a badge. A symbol of who he once was. A relic perhaps.

He received his first uniform the day he left Jedha, he wore this one the last time he would ever stand on that familiar soil. It probably still has some traces of Jedha’s dust on it.

“Bodhi?” Somewhere Luke says his name like a question, but he’s still stuck, transfixed by what it means to give this up. To shed this last skin.

Some murmurs behind him sound like, ‘let me check on him,’ and suddenly Shara is peeking around his shelf.

“Hey rookie, everything okay?” she asks and it’s only then Bodhi notices there are tears running down his cheeks. He’s half exposed, one arm out of his old flight suit, the other still in it. The empty sleeve and it’s Imperial insignia are clutched tight in his hands.

Shara takes a step towards him.

“Bodhi?” she asks and for once she isn’t joking or calling him rookie. Her voice is gentle and he tears his gaze away from the emblem to look at her, fresh tears still flowing down his cheeks and into his beard.

“I sh-should be h-happy to get rid of this r-right?” he asks and she’s watching him carefully.

“Depends,” she says, a neutral look aimed at the logo between his fingers.

“I d-don’t regret defecting or anything. I regret n-none of it but...I wore th-this the last time I was on J-Jedha before...” he trails off and she nods with something like comprehension growing.

“Was that home?” she asks and he nods.

“I m-made friends wearing this and s-some of them are d-dead now and--” he stops when a hand rests over his, covering the insignia. He looks up at Shara to see her mouth is tight and her eyes are resolute.

“You don’t have to explain, I understand. I have an idea,” she says and she reaches down and pulls a knife from her boot. Something about his expression must have belied him because she glances at him and flaps a hand.

“Don’t worry I’m not doing anything scary with you rookie,” she says before taking the empty sleeve from his hands and gesturing at it with the small blade.

“May I?” she asks and he nods mutely. Carefully she digs into the fabric and cuts all the way around the insignia until she has a disc of fabric in her hands and discards the rest. She hands it to him with a wry smile.

“It wouldn’t be the weirdest lucky charm a pilot’s ever carried. In my squadron alone I can name at least three that are much weirder,” she says and Bodhi is trying to find the words to express what's caught in his throat. He just needed a piece of something he could keep and she gave it to him so easily…

He’s not used to kindness like this. Even time spent with Jyn, Cassian, Chirrut, and Baze has not taught him to expect kindness from the world. Only from a select few people and apparently Shara is one such person.

“Th-thank you,” he murmurs and she shakes her head.

“Don’t mention it,” she says before she leans in a little, “You’re not the first Imperial defector around here. Remind me to introduce you to Wedge.” She steps back and looks him over.

“Now do you need help with that?” she points at the flight suit, his bad arm is still stuck in the sleeve. He can see her mischief is back and he shakes his head hard. She grins at him and steps back around the shelves and out of sight.

As he changes out of the dark blue flight suit that’s become almost black with dirt, he hears them speaking low.

“Is he okay?” Luke asks.

“He’s fine, your friend has just been through a lot as far as I can tell.”

“What does that mean?”

There is a pause and he’s manage to shuck off the old flight suit and he starts pulling on the bright Alliance orange.

“It means being in the Empire was probably a rough gig and I’m guessing he’s been through a lot since he left. Did you know he was from Jedha?” That’s Shara talking and Bodhi is carefully pulling his bad arm through one sleeve before he zips up the suit.

“Yeah, I did,” Luke says quietly, sadly maybe.

“Well then you know, he’s probably not going to ‘alright’ in the strictest sense for awhile. If you’re his friend then you’ll need to be patient.”

He’s buckling up the white vest and he thinks he hears Luke say,

“I can be patient.”

And Shara’s reply of “Good boy, you better be. I’ve seen that look before and it means time.”

Bodhi puts on the helmet and it feels like a good enough fit. The suit is a little small, the fit is fine but the sleeves and the pants are just a little too short. His wrists protrude more than they should. He takes off the helmet and holds it with his good arm before stepping around the shelves to see Luke and Shara waiting for him. Luke almost startles at the sight of him while Shara grins.

He walks over and she looks him up and down.

“It’ll do until things calm down enough to get you properly fitted,” she says and Bodhi nods before turning to Luke. He’s also looking Bodhi up and down, his eyes lingering on Bodhi’s exposed wrists. He looks away, his cheeks staining red when Bodhi looks at him.

Unlike Bodhi, Luke’s suit fits him perfectly, or perhaps he fits the suit perfectly. Luke looks like he was born to be an Alliance pilot and he’s finally fulfilled a destiny right here in this storeroom. Bodhi has no idea what Luke sees looking up at him, but Bodhi feels awkward just standing there. The circle of fabric is still clutched in one hand and he shifts that to one of his many pockets before glancing over at Shara again.

“You both are adorable,” she says with a grin, “Now come on we’ve got a briefing to get to.”

\---

Once Jyn was cleared to leave the med-bay, she followed Leia through the base. Leia clearly had a destination in mind and Jyn just kept her head down because some people were staring as they passed. She hoped they were staring at the princess and not her. The hallways changed with every turn but the one constant was that everything looked just a little dull and worn. Even the lights looked faded somehow.

Jyn was starting to think they must have walked through the entire base by now when they walked through the pilots’ hangar. She paused for a moment, remembering when she first walked through here on her way to meet Cassian in that dark room bathed in green light. She scans the room now, just in case she might find Luke and Bodhi.

Perhaps Leia is a mind reader, because a hand appears lightly on her arm and Leia whispers in her ear, “He’s not here, come on.”

Eventually Leia leads her to what looks like an office, it’s as dingy as the rest of the base, but brightened by screens and lights and what appears to be some sort of potted plant on the desk. A tall graceful woman in white sits at the desk and Jyn remembers Senator Mon Mothma. She was there when Jyn first arrived on Yavin IV and she was there after the Rebellion decided against going to Scariff. After that wreck of a meeting she had caught up with Jyn and simply said, “I won’t forget what we did to you.”

Now the woman is sitting at her desk looking at paperwork and speaking on a comm to somebody. She finishes with the comm and lays down the papers as they enter.

“Leia,” she says slowly and too regally to be a full question. Her gaze moves from Leia to Jyn and her eyebrows raise a fractional amount.

“And Jyn Erso, I hope you have recovered from your arrival?” she asks smoothly and like she’s not at all surprised to see Jyn moving freely through the base. Jyn nods and she smiles.

“Good, now to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?” she asks Leia and Leia sighs.

“I wanted to inform you that I removed Jyn from the med-bay and I _may_ have claimed it was on your orders,” Leia says carefully and Mothma blinks.

“Of course. Ms. Erso has personal experience with the Death Star due to her escape and her father being the one who built it,” she says and Jyn starts to speak, wanting to say something about how her father built that _thing_ after he left and her main experience with the Death Star is running from it. She wants to say she doesn’t have a clear memory of most of her time on the Death Star.

Mothma stops her with a hand and looks at Leia.

“Obviously permission is _not_ the same as orders, but if we’ll make due,” she says and Leia actually blushes.

With that Mothma picks up her papers, looking them over once again with concentration. Her eyes don’t even stop scanning the page as she says, “Don’t you two have a briefing to get to?”

And Leia inclines her head.

“Thank you ma’am.”

\---

Shara found them a place to sit in the briefing room before she disappeared somewhere, presumably to talk to her fellow pilots. That leaves Bodhi and Luke to sit quietly in their new uniforms and the terror of Bodhi’s choice starts to sink in… Or maybe not terror but…

A lot has happened over the course of a matter of days.

_A lot._

Perhaps the word he’s looking for is ‘overwhelmed.’

Normally he would fidget but his right hand is still sore, in spite of the hefty amount of plasteel protecting his broken forearm, the pain reaches all the way into his palm and his knuckles. He can bear it when the time comes, but it’s not time and he’d rather not.

Overwhelmed is definitely the word. Like a cup filled with too much water, it feels like he’s been overfilled. Too many people, too many things. Too much death, and never enough time.

He glances at Luke beside him, Luke’s watching the room with that bright, lively expression. He looks eager, or maybe excited. But from where Bodhi sits right beside him, he can see one leg bouncing nervously while Luke’s hand is tap-tapping at his knee. He wants to ask if Luke is scared when his eye catches on the doorway.

Leia walks into the room and Jyn follows close behind.

He freezes at the sight of them.

He was told Jyn and Cassian were fine, but seeing Jyn alive and on her feet eases some tension he didn’t know he was carrying. She looks like _shavit_ though. Her hair is stuck to her forehead with sweat and she’s so pale her bruises stand out like flags. There are new bandages on her wrists and Bodhi’s pretty sure those were fine when they arrived on Yavin IV.

He wants to call out to her, but he can’t seem to speak and it doesn’t matter because she spots him immediately.

He watches her go still at the sight of him until she moves to say something to Leia. Now both of them are staring at him and Luke and he can see Leia say something. Whatever it is, Jyn nods and makes her way over to them, her expression carefully neutral. She seems to be limping less than before and she scans the room as she quietly sits on Bodhi’s left.

She glances at Luke first with a short nod.

Bodhi wonders what he missed when inexplicably Luke nods back and then she looks at him.

Neither of them speak, but he can see she is taking him in while he does the same. It’s feels like they are checking each other for any signs of injury or distress. Finally she says,

“So I hear you’re going to fly in the squadron.” Bodhi nods, sitting straighter in his seat and getting ready to defend his choice, but she shakes her head a little.

“I’m not going to stop you just… You know you don’t have to do this right?” she asks him softly and he nods. She considers that looking away for a long moment. He can see her working up the words to say something else when she looks at him again and asks,

“You’re not doing this for Galen are you?” And her voice breaks around the question. He stares at her, wondering and slowly he shakes his head.

“N-no... I’m doing it f-for me…” he says slowly, carefully. Her eyes have that scrapmetal look again.

“I’m doing it f-for J-Jedha maybe, or f-for us,” he says and she exhales looking away from him to swipe a hand over her eyes. When she looks back at him, she smiles and it’s full of raw feral edges.

“Well in that case, I hope you kick their asses,” she says and that startles a laugh out of him. She grins at him and it comes out a little broken but he doesn’t mind.

Shara comes to sit on Luke’s other side and it looks like she’s studiously ignoring the reunion happening nearby. Luke isn’t though and out of the corner of Bodhi’s eye he sees Shara smack Luke on the chest and suddenly he’s staring straight ahead too. Some other pilots are staring at them and a glance at Jyn shows her following his gaze, meeting the stares of these pilots with a defiant tilt of her chin. He can imagine why they’re staring and he wishes they wouldn’t. It makes him nervous and he already has enough reasons to be nervous.

Without a word, Jyn reaches over and takes his hand, holding it between both of her own and staring down the last pilot until he turns away.

For an instant she reminds him of his sister. Aaylah was younger and fiercer than he ever was. He thinks that if Jyn had ever had the chance to meet her, they would have gotten along well.

At the front of the room a tall man with a gray beard begins to speak

“The battle station is heavily shielded and carries a firepower greater than half the star fleet. It's defenses are designed around a direct large-scale assault. A small one-man fighter should be able to penetrate the outer defense.”

“Are you scared?” Jyn whispers in his ear and he glances over at her. So many edges warring in her eyes.

“N-no I don’t th-think so,” he says and she nods slowly facing forward again.

“Good,” she murmurs and gives his hand a squeeze as the man at the front explains that the Empire doesn’t consider a one man fighter a threat, that the plans provided by Princess Leia have exposed a weakness in the battle station. Again there are stares and he thinks he hears Shara telling somebody to shut their gob and face forward.

\---

“Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes,” the general says while Jyn just sits and holds Bodhi’s hand and tries not to think about the possibility of him dying in an hour or so, or all of them burning up in a blast of light.

A pilot around Luke’s age is speaking to the general, “That's impossible, even for a computer.”

From Bodhi’s other side Luke chimes in and again all eyes in the room aim at them like lasers.

“It's not impossible. I used to bull's-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.”

The general nods and continues.

“Some of you may know how we received these plans and we are fortunate to have with us, one of the surviving members of the Rogue One crew,” the old general says and Jyn can feel the hair rising on her skin as eyes in the room start to turn on her and Bodhi beside her again. Leia had said something about explaining Jyn’s presence to the general when they got here, but Jyn had not been paying very close attention. Now Leia is looking at her and mouthing _‘Sorry.’_

At some point General Draven stepped into the room without her noticing. He watches her too, his features carved in stone, giving nothing away.

“Jyn Erso and the others on her team have seen this battle station up close and lived,” the general continues and she shoots Leia a furious look.

“Ms. Erso, do you have any words for our strike forces today?” the general asks and she rises to her feet wishing that gravity could increase to the point that it crushes her. Bodhi is still holding her hand and it feels like it’s for her now instead of him. She tries not to crush his fingers as she stares at a sea full of faces watching her. Some with wonder and others with suspicion. Draven is still watching her, the human embodiment of the word ‘neutral.’

She reminds herself that most of the people in this room are not the people responsible for manhandling Bodhi or trapping her in restraints. The ones who need encouragement are the people who will carry out the final act of a play her father set in motion over twenty years ago. They will grant the wish her father died for.

They will also be the ones flying with Bodhi and Luke. They will be nothing so much as comrades in arms protecting her people in the field because every life matters on a day like today.

She takes a deep breath and pushes down every unhelpful thought. She’s done this before. She’s addressed soldiers before a battle. She did it on Scariff and she watched Saw do it with the Partisans for years.

“The Empire has manpower, they have weapons, they outnumber us ten to one and they think that gives them might.” And she can feel the air in the room change as all attention in the room sharpens onto her.  “The Empire underestimates us, they always do and that’s how we win. We use that against them.”

Some of the pilots are nodding, one or two are even smiling. She glances over to see the dark haired woman sitting beside Luke is grinning viciously at her words.

“The Empire followed us here and they think we don’t know. They think they are going to catch us by surprise, but _we’re_ the ones that are going to surprise _them._ ” She looks at Luke, nodding and still too full of wide-eyed hope. Bodhi simply watches her and squeezes her hand tighter, his eyes are resolute and the set of his mouth is decided. She looks back at the rest of the room. Her eyes catching on so many faces. Hopeful, scared, focused. The air is thick with a rapt attention.

“They don’t know about the flaw and they won’t know until it’s too late so… The best advice I can give you is get in and get out as fast as you can, make every shot count and...” she looks right at Bodhi, “Make ten men feel like a hundred.”

She can hear the sounds of assent and even excitement coming from the soldiers but she simply looks at Bodhi and he looks back. A shared knowledge and mutual understanding. She looks up as the general says, “Thank you Ms. Erso. Now man your ships! And may the Force be with you.”

Suddenly everyone is on their feet and she looks back at Bodhi and Luke and the woman sitting with them. The woman looks familiar, but she can’t quite place why. She smiles at Jyn and holds out her hand, “Shara Bey. I’m glad your doing better,” and Jyn shakes her hand because she doesn’t know what else to do. When she lets go, Leia is behind her with a sober look.

“Time to go,” she says just soft enough for Jyn to hear and Jyn nods turning back to Bodhi.

He seems to know and as she reaches for him, he steps forward to hug her fiercely with his good arm. She hugs him back just as hard with both of hers.

She pulls back when the thought occurs to her.

“Oh, this was supposed to bring you guys luck before and I guess it worked if you...” she shakily tugs at the string of her necklace, trailing off when Bodhi shakes his head.

“Keep your luck Jyn, I think you’ll need it just as much down here,” he says softly and pointedly looks up at the ceiling. They both know what will be hanging over Yavin IV like a malevolent planet soon enough.

“And besides,” Bodhi says, pulling out a dirty and worn circle of fabric with an Imperial insignia on it. She recognizes it from his old uniform and he grins at her crookedly.

“I’ve got my own luck,” he tells her and she nods. Tears prick at her eyes as she hugs him again and she only pulls back to point at Luke where he’s standing awkwardly behind Bodhi.

“You better keep an eye on him for me,” she says severely and Luke flashes her a grin before ducking his head and nodding.

“Come on Jyn, it’s time to go,” Leia says again and Jyn steps back as Shara Bey steps forward.

“Let's go rookies, those X-Wings won’t fly themselves,” she says and Luke and Bodhi shoot Jyn one last look before getting following the woman out of the briefing room and out of sight.

Jyn takes a deep breath before turning to face Leia.

“Thank you,” she murmurs and Leia meets her gaze with a level one of her own.

“I keep my promises,” she says. Across the room Draven is still watching. Inscrutable as a cipher.

Jyn wonders if promises will be enough.

_“Stand-by alert. Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, one hour.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So why YES Jyn is totally referencing Cassian like ugh these babs. Bodhi is a bab and so is Luke and Jyn and also oh hey I really like Shara Bey apparently. Also anybody else LOVING the new season of Sense8 btw? Man that show is bananas and I LOVE IT.  
> (And I am surely fudging this speedy passage of time for the sake of story and like *throws confetti* ARTISTIC LICENSE *dances away*)


	39. Little Lion Man (Cassian/Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I'm going back to beta'ing for myself because Jimmy Rustled Bird is a busy busy gal but thanks to her for all the help and thanks to aewgliriel for the Star wars knowledge!

  
_Tremble for yourself, my man,_  
 _You know that you have seen this all before_  
 _Tremble, little lion man,_  
 _You’ll never settle any of your scores_  
 _Your grace is wasted in your face,_  
 _Your boldness stands alone among the wreck_  
 _Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck_

_—Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons _

\---

Cassian was finally able and allowed to use the refresher and it’s a relief to not stink of bacta. He’s back in the restraints in his bed. A guard stood outside the door to the ‘fresher while he was in it and he tries not to dwell on the indignity of it all.

He’s been lying in the bed for a while now. The nurse went off at some point or another and all is silent, except for the occasional ringing announcement on the P.A. System.

“ _Stand-by alert. Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, 1 hour.”_

If it’s on the P.A. they must have completed all the necessary evacuations. This would alarm the entire base if it was still full of people, but if it’s empty, this is just a convenient way to keep skeleton crews appraised of the situation.

Cassian wonders if there is a protocol for this sort of situation or if somebody just decided to do this today.

He wonders if Bodhi’s getting ready to take off yet.

He wonders if Baze and Chirrut are still sitting quietly in a room nearby hearing these announcements.

He wonders how Jyn is doing.

His musings are interrupted by footsteps and a command of,

“Stand down.”

It would appear General Draven returned and the guards both turn and leave at his command.

Normally he might find that ominous, but he can’t bring himself to care when their possible demise is growing closer by the minute and he’s stuck here doing nothing.

He sighs, “Hello again, General.”

“Captain,” Draven says with a nod. When he doesn’t say anything further Cassian lets his eyes roll up to the ceiling. The fact that Draven still insists on calling him ‘captain’ feels like a bad joke.

“General, surely you have better things to do with your time than stare at a man in restraints?” he asks.

“I just stepped out for a moment...” he says and Cassian stares and waits for him to elaborate. The man looks almost _uncomfortable_.

“Your Ms. Erso, she was called on to speak at the briefing. She did well,” Draven says slowly, haltingly. Like each word is being dragged out of him. And Cassian stares some more because he’s known the general a long time. Draven has never been a man to hesitate. Uncertainty is a new color on him.

Cassian won’t correct him on the ‘your’ part of that statement. Jyn belongs to no one and certainly not to him, but he’s still waiting for Draven to spit out whatever he really came to say. Cassian watches the man take a breath and straighten to that military posture he’s known for years.

“Captain, as you say I’m a busy man, let’s not mess about,” he says in clipped syllables, “On my authority you could be released from here _temporarily_ and allowed in the war room.”

Cassian gapes at the man.

“Why would you do such a thing?” he asks and Draven looks around the room with something like consideration, maybe something else that could be the regret he saw on the landing platform.

“Stuck in this room, you wouldn’t know if it was the end or not until it happened upon you,” he says eyeing the walls with an almost distaste.

“Is this what it looks like when you feel guilty General?” Cassian asks, still incredulous, but still angry too. Draven looks at him sharply.

“I can leave you here if you wish Captain Andor,” he says and even his gaze is sharp as a dagger. He looks away and continues, “But if this is the end, we’ll have at least a minute or two before we’re dust and...” he glances at Cassian again, “Ms. Erso will be there.”

And Cassian realizes what this is. An olive branch from a man who is not hopeful for their success.

The general stares straight ahead and adds, “And if we don’t all perish you can… Be nearby for a time. You may _not_ speak to her of course. Any appearance that you two are collaborating before the hearing would reflect poorly on you both.” He glances at Cassian again,

“Of course, if we do all die you can do as you like in your final moments.”

And Cassian stares some more. For the first time in his life, he finds himself wondering at this man and what else there is to know about him outside of the work they’ve been doing for years. He talks like someone who has lost just as much as any of them.

Cassian looks away with a frown letting it all add up into a formula that makes sense. Finally, he looks back at Draven and asks slowly,

“You agree with what we did don’t you? Mutiny and all?” And it’s the General’s turn looks away.

“We have worked together for many years Captain, interpret this how you will. Do you wish to go or not?” he asks, stiff and crisp and Cassian sighs.

“Well, I agree to your terms, but I want to see Chirrut and Baze before we go,” Cassian says and Draven nods.

“Agreed, but be quick this has already taken too much time,” and with that he pulls a set of keys from his pocket and unlocks Cassian’s restraints quickly and precisely. Cassian refrains from asking why the general bothered if this was such a waste of his time. Instead, he sits up slowly and rubs at his wrists. Draven looks him over and glances around the room again. He sees Cassian’s clothes folded neatly sitting on that plastic chair and he picks up the pile and tosses it to Cassian.

“Get changed, there isn’t time to dawdle,” he says and Cassian replies with a sigh of old habit.

“Yes, sir.”

\---

They are in the hangar now and it’s a flurry of activity. Pilots running every which way and Shara walked off with something about, “Let me speak to Colonel Cor about which squad you’re in,” leaving the two of them in the middle of this madness.

They silently watch everyone passing them until suddenly Luke cries out,

“ _Biggs!_ ” and goes racing off leaving Bodhi to stand alone in the middle of this sea of people. He watches as Luke races up to a man who looks maybe a little older than Luke. He’s taller and has a wide mustache and watches Luke speaking far too energetically with a small smile.

It seems to Bodhi that no matter how dire the situation is, Luke is always animated and excited. It’s kind of nice in its way. Bodhi envies it a little, but he knows it wouldn’t suit him like it does with Luke.

Suddenly Luke is pointing in his direction and Bodhi freezes feeling the bizarre urge to run as they both walk over.

“Bodhi, this is Biggs Darklighter he’s an old friend from back home,” Luke says with a grin as they approach. “Biggs, this is Bodhi,” Luke says like it’s a grand pronouncement and Biggs grins at Luke first and then him.

“Always happy to meet a friend of Luke’s,” he says and Bodhi nods, trying to smile back, but he can’t manage it. For all the obvious reasons, but also he just wants to start flying already. He wants to be up in the sky and this waiting around is killing him. It’s giving him too much time to think.

Thankfully Shara comes back before his non-responsiveness can get awkward.

“ _Rookies!_ Looks like we’ve got ships waiting for you,” she says as she comes running over. She pauses to take in Luke’s friend.

“I see you’ve met Biggs then,” she says and Luke is still smiling all over the place while Biggs says,

“Luke’s actually an old friend from home.”

“Well, that’s sweet,” she says with a smile that somehow still seems teasing, “Now scoot we all need to get a move on.” She says flapping a hand at Biggs and the man turns to Luke.

“She’s right, I’ve got to get aboard,” he claps Luke on the arm, “Listen, you'll tell me your stories when we come back. All right?”

“I told you I'd make it someday, Biggs,” Luke says with that big grin and Biggs is taking a few steps back when he replies,

“You did, all right. It's going to be like old times, Luke. And it was nice to meet you Bodhi!” With that, the man turns and heads off. Luke waves and Bodhi can’t quite muster a smile to match. Everybody here seems so _eager._ He’s ready for sure… But he can’t understand the excitement. Shara is shaking her head at them both, her hands on her hips as she says,

“Now, your astromechs are being sorted. Bodhi, we’re setting you up with one now,” she points at one of the many X-Wings that’s got a blue R5 unit being lowered into it.

“And Luke it seems you’ve already got an R2 unit, they’ve been sent over along with… a friend,” she says and points. From where they stand they can see R2-D2 being lowered into his X-Wing and C-3PO standing below. They can’t hear what the droid is saying, but it looks like he’s fussing.

That gets a chuckle out of Luke and a smile out of Bodhi as they watch the droid gesturing dramatically about something or another.

“That’s C-3PO, he’s been through alot,” Luke says. There’s that ‘a lot’ again. Accurate enough for the droid, but hardly comprehensive in scope. Shara is talking again.

“So you both are all set now,” she says before resting a hand on each of their shoulders, “You ready?”

They both nod, Luke bright and Bodhi solemn.

“Well, I’m in Gold Squadron and you’re both in Red Squadron,” she says.

“Red Leader should come and have a word with you both, but there probably isn’t time. I know you’re Red Five,” she points to Luke, “And you’re Red Seven,” she says pointing at Bodhi.

“But you both need to get going and so do I,” she continues before leaning in close and saying quietly.

“And come back in one piece alright? I would hate to have to find some new rookies to tease.” With that and another clap on the shoulder for each of them she heads off leaving the two of them alone again.

Bodhi keeps staring at his X-Wing and the new droid sitting in it for him. He used to fight X-Wings and now he’s flying in one. It’s an adjustment.

He’s ready to get behind the control column though. Everything makes so much more sense in the pilot’s seat. He thinks he could reckon with almost everything that’s happened if he were just up in the air. Of course it would be a lot easier if this were just some calming joyride rather than a mission that could get them all and all of his friends killed if they fail.

He’s trying not to think about that.

This is why he wants to get going.

But that means saying goodbye to Luke and it feels like one goodbye too many. He’s been saying a lot of goodbyes lately and it’s starting to hurt.

Looking at Luke he sees a little of those nerves he saw earlier. Maybe the gravity of the situation is finally sinking in.

“We’ll have each other’s backs out there right?” Luke asks and Bodhi nods.

“A-absolutely,” he replies and Luke shifts his weight a little, glancing around the hangar.

“Okay, well...” Luke begins to say and neither of them knows quite what to do.

It’s Luke who steps forward without warning, and wraps his arms around Bodhi in a tight embrace. It takes Bodhi a minute to react, slowly reaching up to rest his good arm on the small of Luke’s back.

When the young man takes a step back, he smiles again, his eyes almost over bright.

“Well, I’ll see you after,” he says and Bodhi nods.

“Y-yeah, see you out there,” and Luke nods still seeming all over uncertain. Finally, he bobs his head again and turns to race over to his X-Wing.

Bodhi walks over to his X-Wing slowly. It may only be his ship for this one mission, but he takes in the lines of it. He takes a moment to admire its shape and the way it will cut the air as it flies. When he steps up to the ladder that was set there for him, the astromech beeps out a binary greeting and Bodh nods at it in reply.

The technicians have already settled the droid and so he climbs up into the cockpit and lets the transparisteel shield lower with the push of a button. When it seals, he sits for a moment, helmet in his lap and the controls laid out in front of him.

He takes a deep breath and slowly reaches out to grasp the control column. His hand aches as he tightens his grip and he doesn’t mind as he lets the quiet seep into him.

When he’s ready, he opens his eyes and puts on his helmet.

“ _Alright this is Red Leader taking off,”_ a tinny voice blares in his ear and outside he can see one X-Wing at the front of the hangar roll out onto the tarmac before it soars up and out of sight.

“ _This is Red Two taking off.”_

He watches as one by one the squadron... _his squadron..._ takes to the air like a flock of birds.

“ _This is Red Five taking off,_ ” it’s almost comforting hearing Luke through the headset.

“ _This is Red Six taking off.”_

It’s time. It’s finally time. He is going to make Galen proud, and Jyn and Cassian, Chirrut and Baze. He’s going to get some justice for Jedha and Alderaan.

He turns the column, so the nose of his X-Wing is pointing towards the hangar exit and pushes forward.

“This is Red Seven, taking off."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a short chapter just getting a few things in place for the battle of Yavin I guess. Cabral Fan I think you were the one who gave me the run down of everybody in the Red squadron so thanks for that I picked a free call sign for Bodhi(or like one where we didnt know the pilot idk thanks that was helpful). 
> 
> Probably would have finished this sooner BUT HOLY SHIT THE NEW SEASON OF SENSE8 WAS REALLY GREAT AND IM A MESS OVER EVERYTHING. Also that Netflix Anne of Green Gables show Anne with an E was real sweet.


	40. To The World Ending (Cassian/Jyn/Bodhi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to aewgliriel for the continuing Star wars know-how.

_I don’t pay attention to the  
_ _world Ending.  
_ _It has ended for me_  
 _many Times_  
 _and began again in the morning._

_—Nayyirah Waheed_

\---

He had stopped in to see Chirrut and Baze, all with Draven standing impatiently by the door. He had asked if they wanted to sit in the war room as well, even though that was not a part of Draven’s deal. He didn’t particularly care.

Draven had said something about death sneaking up on him and that did strike a chord. He didn’t want that for Baze and Chirrut either if death was to be their fate.

Chirrut had smiled from his bed, still serene in spite of everything.

“All is as the Force wills it,” he said and Baze laid a heavy hand on Cassian’s arm and nodded. They were fine to wait in the med bay, probably because it was better for Chirrut to stay in bed if Nurse Temple’s comments were anything to go by. She had bustled in, waspish and short tempered at him, Bodhi, Jyn, and seemingly anyone else in her vicinity. She seemed particularly annoyed by the very presence of Draven.

With the PA announcing their doom closing in, Cassian envied her lack of restraint as she stormed out of the room.

He stood uncertainly in the doorway.

“Well… Goodbye, then,” he said, and Chirrut smiled from where he lay holding Baze’s hand.

“Just remember, Cassian, you are one with the Force,” he said slowly.

Cassian sighed and nodded his head. “And the Force is with me,” he replied, looking at them one last time, hoping it wouldn’t truly be the last. Then he turned and followed Draven out the door.

Now he walks beside the older man through mostly empty hallways. It’s unnerving seeing the base so empty. The few people they pass stop and stare and he can guess why but he keeps his eyes down and he keeps moving.

Now they’ve reached the War Room and he follows Draven to a seat in a far dark corner of the room, outside of the white and greenish glow coming from their screens and star charts.

He glances at Draven with raised brows.

“While I will not deny your presence if it comes up, it would be a lot easier if it didn’t,” Draven says with his hands behind his back.

“Didn’t check with the council first on this one?” Cassian asks with acid in his mouth as he sits in the seat and Draven blinks.

“No, Captain, with the Death Star less than an hour away and with the councilors that have remained on-planet being rather busy, no I did not check.”

As if to prove his point, the P.A. says,

“ _Stand-by alert. Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, one hour.”_

Cassian looks down, feeling the anger drain away, now he’s just _tired._

“Well, go on then, I don’t want to take up any more of your time,” he says to the ground, and for some reason Draven hesitates. He looks up at the man to see him glancing out at the rest of the room and all the people clustered around screens and in discussion. Occasionally the speakers in the room crackle as they hear the pilot’s chatter. He tries to follow Draven’s gaze to where it ends and he sees _her._

She’s bent over a console and talking to a sergeant. She’s still pale, those bruises showing all too clearly on her skin. She looks tired, and she looks focused on whatever she’s doing.

She looks _beautiful._

Draven clears his throat and walks away, back straight and tall and Cassian just watches Jyn. Drinks her in.

This is where they brought Jyn when she first arrived on Yavin IV. She sat at that table in the center of the room while he hid in the shadows. He wonders if history is repeating itself.

Sometimes he can hear Bodhi’s voice scattered amongst the pilot’s filtering through the intercom.

But there is nothing else he can do for now so he sits back in his seat, ignoring the ache as he does so…

And he waits.

\---

Leia brought her into the war room and immediately set her to work.

“Are you sure they even want me here?” Jyn had asked as Leia brought her to a desk along the edge of the room and handed her a headset.

A human sergeant with dark skin was sitting at the desk with a clipboard and Leia turned to him.

“Want some help?” she asked the sergeant and he looked up at both of them, clearly exhausted.

“ _Gods yes._ ”

That is how Jyn ends up sitting with headphones as all the various evacuating ships check in from their rendezvous site. She rattles the codes off to the sergeant who finds them on the sheet and checks them off. The work is mindless but absorbing and soon she forgets about the mess of the last few days and just focuses on the work.

Finally the sergeant looks at her and gestures for her to remove the headset. “That was the last ship, we’re done.”

Jyn stares at him wordless as he puts down his data reader and leans back in his chair. Without the headset, she can hear the pilots speaking to each other.

“We’re closing in on the Death Star, we should be reaching there in roughly ten minutes. If you need to do any system checks, now is the time,” a voice filters through the speakers followed by a chorus of ‘yes sirs.’

“ _Stand-by alert. Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, twenty-five minutes.”_

She feels a little chill go up her spine as she looks around the room. Leia is standing at the center of it, leaning over the displays she’s been ignoring.

Jyn gets up and makes her way to stand beside the other woman, mostly because she can’t just sit and wait. Leia has her eyes trained on the readouts, her hands gripping the edges of the console. They are all bathed in the greenish glow coming off the display and Leia looks up at Jyn’s approach.

Before she can say anything, someone from Jyn’s other side speaks up in a voice that sounds like wet gravel.

“Ah yes, if it isn’t the leader of Rogue One.”

Jyn whirls to see a Mon Calamari with bulbous yellow eyes sizing her up. Jyn eyes him warily, but stands her ground.

“Does that concern you?” she asks and she can feel Leia stepping up behind her, but before she can turn to the other woman, the Mon Calamari surprises her by chuckling.

“Not at all, I just wanted to thank you for your efforts.”

Jyn’s brows fly upwards as Leia whispers in her ear, “General Raddus is the one who received your transmission on Scarif,” and Jyn has to pause and let that sink in.

“You're the one who Bodhi...” she trails off, “Thank you.”

And the General smiles, the skin around his eyes crinkling. “You did a good thing and the rest is a blasted shame,” he says, and it feels like the ground shifting beneath her feet. Just when she thinks she understands the makeup of this Rebellion, someone new shows up and upends it.

She nods to the general as the voices start filtering in through the speakers again.

“ _All wings report in.”_

“ _Red ten standing by.”_

“ _R-red Seven standing by.”_

Jyn startles, turning to stare at the display. That was Bodhi.

“ _Red Five standing by,”_ and that’s Luke. The general says something else before walking away, but she’s not paying attention. Her eyes boring into the displays like they might show her what's really happening out there.

Leia rests a hand on her arm. “Jyn, I just wanted to let you know...”

Jyn looks up at the princess to see her eyes are soft as she raises her chin in a subtle nod, directing Jyn’s gaze outside the circle of people clustering around the displays. It takes Jyn a moment to spot what she’s supposed to be looking at, but finally she sees him and it takes her breath away.

Cassian’s sitting at the back of the room, bathed in darkness, the edges of his face are only lightly touched by the green light that soaks the rest of them. But it’s still Cassian and he’s here and she makes a move towards him when that hand tightens on her arm.

“I’m sorry, Jyn, but you can’t talk to each other until after the hearing,” Leia says and Jyn turns to her, for a moment she’s nothing but feral fury and she sees in the other woman’s eyes, a somber weight that makes all the anger rush out of her in a breath.

“How come I can talk to Bodhi, but not Cassian?” she mutters and Leia sighs.

“Honestly, you probably shouldn’t have, but Luke and Shara Bey were sitting right there and able to hear every word. If we have to have them speak at the hearing to confirm you were plotting nothing nefarious, then we will,” she says and Jyn stares at this woman, this _girl,_ and wonders at her. Leia meanwhile glances away, toying with the edge of her sleeve.

“And besides, he’s your friend and he was going off to risk his neck for us all…” She lets her hands drop back to her sides, “We have to bend sometimes or we break.”

She looks at Jyn again and Jyn isn’t sure who she thinks needs to bend in this situation. Jyn herself, or the Alliance.

She doesn’t answer because she doesn’t know what to say, instead turning to look back at Cassian. Her hands tighten on the edges of the console in front of her as she stares him down, trying to say everything she can with just her eyes. She would give anything to be near him now, but she remains where she is trying to say everything she is not allowed to say with a look and trying to read a reply on his expression in the dim light.

“ _Stand-by alert. Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes.”_

She holds onto his gaze like a lifeline and he doesn’t look away.

Bodhi is out there and they are in here, and if she dies in a fiery flash, she will do it with him being the last thing she sees.

_“Accelerate to attack speed. This is it, boys!”_

\---

Bodhi never quite understood why he feels the most grounded when he’s flying and there’s no gravity at all. It’s like a focus, a narrowing of vision that only happens when he’s cloaked in starlight and surrounded by the celestial tapestry wheeling past his view port with every turn. His hand aches every time he turns or adjusts his grip on the control column. Shooting pains that run all the way to his fingertips and that's okay, too. The pain only helps to ground him still further. On a day like today he can afford no distractions... No cracks.

Today he has to be completely together for everyone.

For everyone down below and for everyone flying beside him. For those who died and for those who hopefully will survive to see tomorrow.

Realistically, he _might_ die though.

The fate he avoided on Scarif could come and meet him now.

This could end up another suicide mission and they could all die for good this time.

But the fear of that is farther away now that he’s flying. Whatever the outcome is, he can only focus on flying this X-Wing and the mission at hand.

“ _Red Leader, this is Gold Leader,”_ said yet another voice through his headset.

“ _I copy, Gold Leader.”_

“ _We're starting for the target shaft now.”_

One of those ships is Shara and briefly, a shard of panic cuts into his calm as he watches them make their first run.

“ _We're in position. I'm going to cut across the axis and try and draw their fire,”_ Red Leader says and one by one they all spin down to skim along the surface. Flashes of red and green sail past his viewport and he’s only grateful he hasn’t been hit as he shoots everything he’s got at the surface of the Death Star with the rest of them.

\---

“ _Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, ten minutes.”_

Cassian wishes he could so something. Something other than sit here, helpless and waiting for one of two outcomes. It’s the waiting that’s killing him and part of him wonders if he might have actually been better off in the med-wing.

Up until now he has been an active participant. A decider of his own fate. Now he has to just stand here until fate finds him. He wonders if death sneaking up on him would be easier to bear.

Of course that would mean being away from Jyn and that fractured look that’s keeping him pinned in his seat. He wishes he could be beside her instead of simply meeting her gaze from across the room. Still, he’s glad to be with her in any capacity at this point, and if it is the end and death finds them here, he will die with his arms around her. That’s his plan and it counts for something.

 _“This is Red Five; I'm going in!”_ Luke’s voice filters through the speakers and he can see Jyn white knuckling the edges of the console. The room is almost silent except for the pilot’s chatter.

“ _Luke, p-pull up!”_ That's Bodhi with an edge of panic and another voice asks moments later,

“ _Are you alright?”_

He watches Jyn stiffen as does Leia beside her.

“ _I got a little cooked, but I'm okay.”_

They both breathe and Cassian fists his hands in lap and takes a deep breath, feeling the ache in his ribs as he does so, and wishes he could do more.

\---

“ _Squad Leaders, we've picked up a new group of signals. Enemy fighters coming your way.”_

The control officer’s voice filters into Bodhi’s headset. Bodhi wants to twist around and look, but he keeps his eyes forward as he weaves around gun towers and their laser fire.

“ _My scope's negative. I don't see anything,”_ and that’s Luke talking. Outside the viewport Bodhi can see Red Leader swing past.

“ _Keep up your visual scanning. With all this jamming, they'll be on top of you before your scope can pick them up,”_ he says and Bodhi spins to the left to avoid the green bolt of light that whizzes past.

‘ _We won’t know they’re there until they are, what a comforting thought,’_ he muses grimly. His wrist aches as he keeps having to adjust his grip on the control column, or let it go for a moment to flip a switch, before returning to the steering shaft with both hands. Every movement sparks a fresh wave of hurt up and down his arm, and it only makes him grit his teeth and focus.

He sees the group of TIE fighters when one wheels past his viewport. He tightens his grip on the column, grimly feeling the pain in his fingertips.

One of the TIE’s heads his way and he twists the steering shaft, letting the ship roll to the side.

“ _Rook! You've picked one up... watch it!”_ Red Leader says and Bodhi replies through his teeth.

“I know. He's on me t-tight...”

“ _Hang on, Bodhi, I'm coming in,”_ Luke says and he can’t feel relief as he rolls away again, diving between two gunners, skimming too close to the surface in the hopes that the TIE might try and fail to copy him. The TIE does follow him with ease and he’s twitching left and right to avoid more laser fire.

Without warning, he pulls up and away from the surface of the Death Star to soar into the stars, the momentum of it pushing him back against his seat. The TIE fighter follows and he twists the ship, feeling the press of gravity as he points the nose of his ship down to dive bomb at the surface.

The force of the dive plasters him back against his seat and he grits his teeth, jamming on the accelerator. He can see the TIE on his scopes as it follows behind, shooting laser bolts the whole time. He bobs and weaves even as the surface of the Death Star climbs nearer with alarming and fatal speed. He braces himself like this is a dare or a game the trainees would have played and he waits until his vision is full of gray, he waits until he is practically ready to crash and he pulls up hard, yanking the steering back with both hands and a glance out the window shows the TIE crashing behind him in a plume of flames.

“ _You got him!”_ Luke cheers in his ear and Bodhi manages a smile that nobody can see.

“I did,” Bodhi murmurs as he levels off his X-Wing and rejoins the rest of his squadron.

“ _This is Gold Leader. We're starting our attack run.”_

“ _I copy, Gold Leader. Move into position.”_

And Bodhi finds the rest of them just in time to see several Y-Wings and an X-Wing take a dive into that trench.

_“The exhaust port is... Marked and locked in.”_

\---

Jyn watches Cassian. Her heart seems trapped in her throat as everything continues in a relentless forward momentum and she just stands here doing _nothing._

“ _How many guns do you think, Gold Five?”_

“ _I'd say about twenty guns. Some on the surface, some on the towers.”_

“ _Death Star will be in range in five minutes.”_

Part of her muses that if they don’t shoot it in time, maybe some of them could still escape out there in their ships. Maybe if they all die down here, Bodhi and Luke could still get away.

“ _Stabilize your read deflectors. Watch for enemy fighters.”_

“ _They're coming in! Three marks at two ten.”_

Leia looks as on edge as she is. Their eyes meet for a moment and she sees an anxiety that meets her own.

“ _I can't maneuver!”_

“ _Stay on target.”_

She looks back at Cassian and his gaze is so steady. Steady as the tides, steady as gravity. She tightens her grip on the edge of the console and takes a deep breath meeting his gaze.

“ _We're too close.”_

“ _Stay on target!”_

“ _Loosen up–”_

Jyn flinches at the telling way the voice cuts off.

“ _Gold Five to Red Leader...Lost Tiree, lost Dutch.”_ That sounds like the woman who introduced herself as Shara during the briefing.

She looks back at Cassian, feeling grim.

“ _I copy, Gold Five. Red Group, this is Red Leader. Rendezvous at mark six point one.”_

The General from the briefing, General Dodonna, leans forward and says, “Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your group out of range for the next run.”

Jyn glances at Leia again, but the girl’s eyes are trained on the readouts and nothing else.

“ _Copy, Base One. Red Five, take Red Two, Three, and Seven. Hold up here and wait for my signal to start your run.”_

Jyn takes another deep breath. It feels futile, but she sends up a prayer to whatever higher power might be listening.

“ _Keep your eyes open for those fighters!”_

Her mother told her to trust the Force once. She never really has despite the kyber hanging around her neck, but for tonight she wills it to be true and kind.

“ _No sign of any... Wait. I see them coming in point three five,”_ Luke says.

“ _I see them.”_

“ _I'm in range. Target's coming up. Just hold them off for a few seconds.”_

In the room with them Dodonna looks at one of the many screens and says, “Red Leader has activated his targeting computer.”

“ _You'd better let her loose.”_

“ _Almost there!”_

_"I can't hold them!”_

Suddenly there’s a scream that sends goosebumps up Jyn’s arms. But then another voice shouts like a victory.

“ _It's a hit!”_

“ _Negative! It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface.”_

\---

In Bodhi’s ear, he hears Luke, _“Red Leader, we're right above you. Turn to point... Oh-five; we'll cover for you.”_

“ _Stay there... I just lost my starboard engine. Get set to make your attack run.”_

Bodhi grimaces and then turns with alarm when moments later he hears Red Leader’s cry and sees him crashing into the Death Star’s surface.

None of them speak for a minute. He hears Luke breathing raggedly in his ear.

Luke is the one who speaks first, _“Biggs, Bodhi, Wedge, we're going in.”_

“Right behind you,” Bodhi says as he grits his teeth and spins out to follow Luke as he dives towards the Death Star.

“ _With you, boss,”_ Wedge says.

“ _Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time?”_ and that’s Biggs.

“I _t'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home.”_

Bodhi doesn’t know this Beggar’s Canyon, but Luke’s certainty is catching and he almost smiles as he keeps pace behind Luke, firing on the Death Star’s surface and dodging laserbolts sent in return.

“ _We'll stay back far enough to cover you,”_ Biggs says and a glance shows him hanging back over the canyon so it’s just Bodhi, Luke, and Wedge skimming down into the trench.

“ _My scope shows the tower, but I can't see the exhaust port! Are you sure the computer can hit it?”_ Wedge asks.

“W-we have to,” Bodhi replies as a laser cannon slowly rotates to shoot at them as they fly by. The canyon doesn’t leave much room to maneuver, but he bobs and weaves, trying to dodge any blasts headed his way.

With a pained flick of a switch, he activates his targeting computer and watches with bated breath as those lines slowly narrow towards the target.

Luke’s in front and Wedge behind with Bodhi in the middle, suddenly two new TIE fighters come skimming over the trench firing down on them.

“ _I'm hit! I can't stay with you.”_ Wedge says and Bodhi tightens his grip on the control column.

“ _Get clear, Wedge. You can't do any more good back there!”_ Luke says and Bodhi is keenly aware they are down to two as Wedge calls out an apology and flies away.

“ _Hurry guys, they're coming in much faster this time. I can't hold them!”_ that’s Biggs again and Bodhi’s stomach dips.

“W-we’re going as fast as we can, Biggs, just h-hold on,” he says as he hears Luke through the headset saying, “ _R2, try and increase the power!”_

Bodhi looks again at his targeting screen and the steady crawl towards the center, they aren’t near enough yet and he grits his teeth.

“ _Hurry up–!”_ he says before getting cut off and Bodhi cranes his neck for just a moment and sees another plume of flame behind them. He thinks from now on he may always hate fire.

There’s nothing he can say as they bear down on their target in the middle of a battle that could mean all of their lives, but he can hear Luke breathing like he’s right beside him and so Bodhi tries anyway.

“I-I’m sorry Luke.”

There is no reply, they just keep flying.

\---

When Jyn was little, she used to love the stories her father would tell. Stories of daring and adventure and risk. Stories of heroes and their friends where everything always turned out exactly as it should.

There was justice and righteousness and she wished that those stories were about what it really felt like. The feeling like being slowly sucked into an abyss.

Cassian watches her from across the room and there is a mutual understanding that their friends are risking their necks in the cold, unforgiving black out there and the Death Star draws nearer and nearer. They both know all too well what this feels like.

She wishes those stories her father told described the helplessness she feels now, the feeling of panic and fragmentation. If she doesn’t keep an iron grip on this console, she would surely be shaking.

She wishes those stories described having to put your faith in strangers and hope it was the right choice.

A technician speaks into his headset loud enough for all of them to hear, “His computer's off. Luke, you switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong?

_“Nothing. I'm all right.”_

She wonders if this is what Galen would have imagined. A room full of desperation while others implode among the stars. She wonders if she went outside, would it be hanging in the sky like before? Looming and ready to unleash green fire that would engulf them all? She remembers the feeling of beginning to burn. Those marks have almost completely gone, from her arms and probably her face as well, there are new marks to replace them.

She wonders what it will feel like to die burning.

She clenches and unclenches her hands and wishes she could do more than stare at Cassian across the room. A glance met doesn’t feel like enough right now and it’s all she can get.

“ _M-my astromech’s been hit!”_ Bodhi shouts through the speaker immediately followed by the intercom blaring, _“The Death Star has cleared the planet. The Death Star has cleared the planet.”_

Leia grabs her hand, holding on tight enough to crush her fingers. Jyn’s heart is in her throat and she can feel tears pricking at her eyes as she tries to prepare herself for dying a second time.

Sometimes it feels like she did die on Scarif and all of this is just a dream. Sometimes it feels like she touched death and it burned her.

“ _Luke, w-watch out!”_

Suddenly a new voice interrupts and lets out a whoop. Or not a new voice at all. Jyn whirls to meet Leia’s wide eyed gaze as they hear the voice of Han Solo yelling, “ _You’re all clear, now let’s blow this thing and go home!”_

And they all wait. The silence is stifling, strangling. Jyn feels her hands shaking as her mind flies in a million directions and they wait for a confirmation of one outcome or the other. They are so close to victory or death, it’s just a matter of which comes first.

The wide-eyed technician slowly pulls off his headset as the room draws in a bated breath.

“They did it,” he says and the room _erupts._

Jyn stands there, statue still and tightly wound like a coiled spring as the room breaks out into cheers and laughter. Leia throws her arms around Jyn with a cry of  _“We did it!”_ and Jyn manages to meet her gaze, finding a smile that is almost vicious in its satisfaction. She can barely try and return it when Leia is pulled away by someone she doesn’t know. The room has become a mess of humanity as people jump and embrace and grab at each other with the joy of being alive. She can’t feel that joy yet.

She looks away to find Cassian, sitting as still as she stands. Their eyes meet.

He isn’t laughing or jumping for joy, but his eyes seem to nearly smile at her, a soft almost smile. And Jyn finally loosens her grip on the edge of the console, peeling her hands off it without breaking away from that gaze.

They did it. They finally did it.

Slowly, she exhales.

She _breathes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I hate action sequences...like HAAAATE THEEEEM. So writing this was like pulling teeth good golly. I hope you enjoy it though, I almost had another chapters worth of build up in here but I didn't want to keep yanking your chain. Enjoy the excessive amounts of movie dialogue copied directly from the script as well as some lightly amended dialogue because ya know...Reasons.  
> Also yes I know Raddus technically died in the movie. I give no fucks!! I like Raddus and he's back!!!!  
> Next up is the hearing probably...or some build up to it idk.


	41. I Trust While I Weep(Miscellaneous)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to aewgliriel for the Star Wars knowledge.
> 
> Also yeah, miscellanious because almost everybody has a POV in this chapter.

 

 _I believe in some blending of hope and sunshine sweetening the worst lots. I believe that this life is not all;  
_ _neither the beginning nor the end. I believe while I tremble; I trust while I weep._

_—Villette, Charlotte Bronte_

\--- 

Baze sat by Chirrut’s bedside, without really moving or talking. Neither of them felt the need as the seconds ticked by and occasionally a voice announced the time until the Death Star’s arrival and their imminent demise. The only way to measure the passage of time beyond that was the tightening of Baze’s grip on their intertwined hands. Chirrut of course said nothing as he took in the distant tumult, all that fear and anticipation disturbing the force the way a storm disturbs a calm sea.

Still they wait, he feels the warmth of his husband’s hands in his own. And when the intercom announces the Death Star’s arrival, Baze leans over to kiss him. Once on the forehead and once on the mouth, a brief and gentle touch and Chirrut smiles against his lover’s mouth.

If they die here they will be one with the Force, they nearly died once before and if now is their time, Chirrut will accept that. But he is not sure that it _is_ their time.

He can sense that bright star, not Jyn’s kyber but that small sun that came to the planet with them. He’s out there and the Force practically echoes at his touch. A sense of elation ripples outward, the reverberations of it reaching Chirrut where he lies.

There is no announcement over the intercom to say they’ve won, but he can feel the way the base seems to suddenly expand with life unended. He smiles at Baze.

“It is done,” he says and Baze stares at him, he doesn’t ask how Chirrut knows, he only asks,

“Are you sure?” and Chirrut’s smile widens as the joy of a hundred or so rebels sweeps over him.

He lifts their adjoined hands to press a kiss to Baze’s worn and scarred knuckles.

“I’m sure.”

\---

The cheering goes on and on and Cassian watches as Jyn stays rooted in place. He sees her shoulders slowly _relax_ and honestly, he feels the same.

The feeling of relief is almost alien.

He watches her slowly breathe out all that tension and when he looks up, Draven is by his side again. Still straight backed and stiff. If there is any indication that he is pleased with this outcome, Cassian can’t see it. His eyes are barely more than glitters in the dim light.

Of course he has known the General for far too long and more than likely he sees this as simply another battle painfully won in a long, long war.

Still, he stands beside Cassian and surveys the room for a minute or two. Clearly he sees Jyn watching them, but he shows no outward signs of that either. As they watch, Leia comes back to her side trailed by two guards. They speak briefly and Jyn nods tightly. A coiled spring once again. She looks at Cassian one last time before she follows the guards out.

It sets his teeth on edge to see this somber contrast as the rest of the room is still swimming in joy. He eyes Draven, still standing beside him, with a bitterness that’s bone deep. It’s an anger that probably resides somewhere between his fractured ribs.

“Do you have anything to say? Any _comment_ to make?” he bites off the words and Draven, still watching the crowd, sighs.

“No Captain, I do not.”

Cassian pushes himself out of his seat with a grimace so he can glare at eye level.

“You could at least admit that everyone on this base is alive because of what we did. _Billions_ will survive because the Death Star was destroyed,” he says low and fast and Draven lets out another long breath.

“You are correct,” Draven says, still without looking at him. Cassian draws a breath to say more, but stops and blinks at the general.

“I will be speaking at your hearing tomorrow and I intend to tell the truth and nothing more,” Draven says and finally meets his gaze.

“Now if you’ll follow me please, Captain.”

And Cassian stares a moment longer before he replies with less venom, “And where am I going General? A cell?”

“No, you are going back to the med-bay… I suspect if I did otherwise, that nurse might skin me alive,” and there’s a dry humor to his words, the barest hint of amusement tugging at the corners of his mouth, but it’s gone in an instant.

“I believe both Jyn Erso and Bodhi Rook will be similarly delivered back into medical supervision until the hearing,” he says and Cassian nods a little, glad for the information but refusing to say thank you for it. Thankfully Draven does not wait for such things, he simply begins walking and correctly expects Cassian to follow.

They move through the celebration like specters, wholly unnoticed and mismatched in their seriousness.

When they emerge from the crowds into an empty hallway they fall into a steady pace and Cassian feels the ache in his ribs with every step.

Nurse Temple meets them at the entrance to the med-bay, her mouth twisting downward as she takes him in.

“Let’s get you back in bed, Captain,” she says and leads him gently back to his room where two guards have resumed their former position, but this time there are no restraints. He settles on the bed with a wince and lets his eyes slide closed. Relief seeps into exhaustion and for the first time in months he almost feels like he can rest easy.

Almost.

\---

It was overwhelming. Every emotion cutting deep before quickly being replaced by another. Excitement followed by heartbreak followed by elation. There was no time to process, only to act.

Biggs died. He _died,_ he’s gone.

It happened so fast and Luke could hear Bodhi’s mournful apology, but he couldn’t even respond as they were drawing nearer to their target and so many lives were at stake.

And then Luke heard Obi-Wan as he flew towards that target. Obi-Wan died, and he saw it happen, but he _heard him._

And he listened. The voice asked him to trust. To let go.

And for just a moment there was a release, a freeing of something in his chest. Something unlocked as he pulled the trigger.

He made the shot.

Bodhi took his shot for good measure, moments after Luke saw his go in and pulled up, he saw Bodhi aim and fire. And he knew they had done it.

He takes in a breath as he hears Hans let out a whoop of joy and Bodhi’s soft exhale of relief.

It’s all so much to take in.

It feels like he doesn’t have room for all of it inside him, one emotion overriding all the others in the moment before being replaced by some new feeling. For right now he’s relieved, he’s _happy._

As they fly back to Yavin IV he can hear them all gasping for breath, still high on the adrenaline. His ears are full of the cheers of everyone still alive on Yavin IV.

Alive because of them. Alive because of those who died so they could take that shot.

None of them speak for the flight home beyond the standard check ins. Communications in open space are unsecure and so Luke bites down on everything he wants to say until they land.

As soon as his wing touches down, he pulls himself out of the cockpit and races towards the other newly landed ships. Wedge and Bodhi are climbing out and he waits by Bodhi’s ship, nervously shifting his weight as the other man carefully climbs down. He can see Bodhi wince when he has to use his bad arm to help stabilize his descent.

As soon as he’s fully on the ground, Luke grabs him in a tight hug.

“ _We did it!”_ he exclaims and Bodhi gingerly lays an unsteady arm around his shoulders. His reply is quiet, “We did.”

Wedge runs up and wraps his arms around both of them with another shout. They survived. They did it. They won. He thinks he might never feel so completely alive again, like his heart learned to beat a new rhythm, and maybe it’s a better one.

A glance to the side shows the exit ramp lowering on the Falcon and Luke breaks away from the remains of his squadron to run over, meeting Han as he and Chewie exit the ship.

Luke stops at the bottom of the ramp, a sudden hesitation overtaking his enthusiasm.

“Han, you came back?”

And Han grins at him and lays an arm around his shoulders in a quick half embrace.

“Yeah, I did.”

Han lets go and Chewie wraps Luke up in a hug that’s almost strangling and lifts him off his feet. His surprise is muffled by the wookiee’s fur until he’s set back on the ground and glances between the two of them.

“Thanks,” he says, ducking his head to stare at the floor and Han sighs and folds his arms.

“Don’t read too much into it kid. I couldn’t let you get all the credit.”

Before Luke can ask why that even matters, he sees Han’s gaze go glancing behind him and Luke turns to see what’s drawn his attention.

Bodhi is standing exactly where Luke left him, looking almost alone except for Leia standing by his side and a pair of guards standing in front of him. He glances at Luke and Han, seems to take them in, before facing the guards with a nod. They turn and start walking and Bodhi follows with his head down. Leia watches him go with a tight expression.

Across the hangar Shara Bey stands in front of her ship and grimly watches Bodhi’s slow march out the door. Her expression lifts slightly when she turns and sees him, Chewie, and Han. Luke moves to meet her with Han and Chewie uncertainly trailing behind him.

“Well, we’re not all dead, so there’s that,” she says as she comes to stand before him. Luke attempts a smile for her, but he keeps glancing at the doorway Bodhi went through, he can still make them out as they walk down one of the base’s many long hallways. Shara follows his gaze and none of them really speak until Han asks Shara,

“Sorry, but who are you?”

She looks at him with a smirk.

“Shara Bey, and good timing by the way.” She claps him on the arm before turning back to Luke.

“I’m sorry about your friend, rookie. That’s a raw deal. Still… Chin up,” she says and taps under his chin. It makes Luke tear his eyes away from the now empty doorway to look at her. Something in her eyes seems to soften as she rests a hand on her hip and shakes her head.

“He’ll be alright. The worst is over. And I’ll bet they’ll let you sit in the med-bay later if you ask nicely.” Luke nods at the ground again, that previous joy now swallowed up in a fresh bout of mournful gloom. Shara makes a face as she looks him up and down, then some noise seems to distract her and she glances back at the rest of the hangar where the other pilots are starting to coalesce into some kind of celebration. Bottles of alcohol seem to have appeared and cheers echo down the halls from where a party may have already started.

She looks back at him and that spark of mischief is back in her eyes.

“Now, I’m going to track down my husband and get very drunk to celebrate not dying. You’re welcome to join if you like, same goes for your friend here,” she tells him and winks at Han who stares back utterly nonplussed. Luke look at her blankly before slowly shaking his head, and she shrugs.

“Suit yourself,” and she twiddles her fingers at Han in a delicate farewell before she taps under the chin again, forcing him to look up. She shoots him a pointed look and then she is gone, jogging towards the small but growing throng heading towards the back of the hangar.

He watches as Shara runs up and gets swept into a fierce hug from that Kes Dameron. It becomes more than hugging in a moment and he looks away blushing as Han whistles softly.

“Didn’t know there were people like her in with this bunch of stick in the muds,” he said and Luke shrugs. He hadn’t really formed many expectations about the Rebellion. He had just imagined daring heroes committing great feats for the good of the galaxy. The actual Rebellion felt like a lot less than he had expected, while also being everything he had imagined. It’s very confusing.

His gaze wanders over the hangar and eventually he spots Leia. She’s still standing by Bodhi’s ship, a silent and solitary figure apart from the celebrations with a gaze that’s lightyears away. Like so many times before he doesn’t really think, he simply acts.

“Hey Leia, look who’s back,” he calls out and slowly she looks at him and behind him where Han and Chewie remain. Chewie growls out something that sounds like a greeting and Leia smiles a little at them all. Luke glances behind him to see Han get the idea and jog to catch up to them. Her smile seems to warm as she looks up at him,

“I knew there was more to you than money,” she says and Han grins a little, if Luke didn’t know any better he would say Han looked almost shy, shrugging at her words. Luke glances between the two of them feeling like he just noticed something that was right in front of him the whole time.

Something that seems a lot nicer than standing alone in a hangar.

“Shara invited us for a drink, why don’t you come too?” he asks Leia, he neglects to mention that he has no plans to stick around for any party feeling certain she’ll be well taken care of with Chewie and Han. Leia raises her brows, and begins to shake her head.

“I don’t think so Luke,” she says with a hint of amusement. Apparently all it takes is a suggestion for Han to pick up the torch.

“Aw, come on Leia, it’ll be fun,” he says and Leia stops shaking her head to stare at him for one long moment. Luke wonders if it’s because he actually used her name for once. Whatever the reason she holds Han’s gaze as she says slowly, “Alright. One drink.”

\---

Right before the guards escorted her back to the med-bay, Leia told her quietly that her hearing would be in the morning while the remaining crew on Yavin IV prepare to move Base One to their backup location. Apparently it was the rendezvous point for all the evacuations. Some planet called Hoth, Jyn had never heard of it. Yavin IV was considered to be compromised and so the day after the hearing, everyone would pick up and move camp.

And then she had asked if Jyn was okay to go with the guards taking her back to the med-bay and Jyn said yes because honestly, Leia had done more than enough. Jyn could wait one more night in that place, knowing she would a verdict one way or the other tomorrow. And there were no restraints this time. The guards stand in the doorway while she limps towards her bed (It was more of a cot than a bed, but beggars can never be choosers.)

She collapses into it with relief. Her leg aches fiercely from so much time spent on it and that nurse checks the bandages with a frown before bustling out of the room leaving Jyn to herself. She isn’t calm, so much as she is nothing at all. She feels empty.

Her father’s mission, _her_ mission...was done. There is nothing else now.

She would give anything to be able to speak to him now. To be able to tell him that it was done and see the joy in his face knowing that it was over.

But he’s gone and she’s here and she isn’t allowed to be with her people. She has to lie here and hope the Rebellion isn’t inclined to hand out death sentences to mutineers.

She is glad it’s done. She’s relieved that it’s finally over.

Still, it’s not as satisfying as she expected it would be. She thought she might feel whole after such a win. Instead, she still feels all her fractures and fragments. The parts of her that are still in pieces, pushing up against the parts that are whole. She wonders if she will ever truly feel at peace.

She thinks maybe she could if she could be with them. Their absence is like a thorn in her side or a steady ache in her chest.

She feels very alone and hopes it won’t be a permanent sensation.

\---

The guards at Bodhi’s door are much more reasonable than the ones they met on their arrival in Yavin IV. These guards were much gentler as they led Bodho back to the med-bay. No muscling or restraints and he followed them freely enough. Now he’s back in his bed and Nurse Temple is beside him examining his arm, temporarily freed from its cast. She makes some comments about swelling, but he isn’t really listening. He’s just thinking about Galen. About the sadness in his eyes as he described a weapon he built like it was an abomination.

Bodhi’s not sure he believes in the afterlife, or ghosts or anything of that sort. His mother did, she believed in all sorts of things, but Bodhi’s always been a little more cynical. Still, he hopes Galen’s spirit is somehow able to see what they’ve accomplished. He hopes wherever Galen is, he is finally at peace.

The nurse steps back to look at him then and he hasn’t really been listening as she spoke to him about his arm, but something in her look catches his attention now.

“Do you feel settled now?” she asks him, “Ready to actually rest and get better?”

He shrugs and winces when the motion jostles his arm.

“I’m not sure h-how much rest I’ll g-get with that hearing tomorrow, but as long as they don’t s-sentence me to death or a work camp th-than sure.”

She makes a face at him as she locks the plasteel cast back onto his arm.

“The Alliance doesn’t have work camps and to my knowledge it has _never_ issued a death sentence in a hearing such as yours.”

Bodhi stares at her. All those years working under the Empire taught him a few things about how bureaucracies are run and there isn’t much he’s seen since he arrived that convinces him they will be that different when handling a criminal. He looks away from the nurse to stare at the ceiling and say,

“Well, th-there’s a first for everything.” She throws up her hands with a sigh when a new voice interrupts their exchange.

“Hey Bodhi, can I come in?” Luke asks peering around the two guards who have moved aside to let him in the room. He goggles a little at the guards, or more likely how they are just letting him in without a fuss.

“S-sure, come in,” Bodhi tells him and Luke steps into the room hesitantly, flashing a brief smile at Nurse Temple before coming to stand by his bed.

“Sorry I wasn’t there when they took you away,” he says quietly, staring at Bodhi’s arm rather than his face.

“It’s f-fine. They were much nicer about it th-this time,” Bodhi says and Luke nods still looking down.

“Leia said something about picking better guards. She’s with Han and Chewie now. Shara seems to have some kind of drinking party going with the rest of the pilots...” he trails off and Bodhi can see Nurse Temple ducking out of the room shaking her head.

Neither of them speak for a long minute and Bodhi wonders if Luke is thinking about his friend or something else when Luke says,

“Leia told me your hearing is tomorrow. They might ask me to speak at it...”

Bodhi nods at that and silence reigns again, heavy and awkward.

“Are you… Scared?” Luke asks, still hesitant and again Bodhi nods. Another silence falls heavier than the last and it remains for far too long until Luke makes some small sound and asks,

“Sorry, but can I stay here with you? I don’t mean to be weird, I can leave if you want, but when I’m scared I don’t like to be alone and I--”

“Y-yes,” Bodhi interrupts his steady stream of speech, “you can stay.”

Then it’s Luke’s turn to nod, awkwardly and too emphatically and he grabs a chair sitting in the corner of the room and drags it to sit beside Bodhi’s bed. Once Luke has folded himself into it, he seems to be looking everywhere except at Bodhi, nervousness oozing off him in waves. Slowly, uncertainly, he reaches one hand up and rests it on top of Bodhi’s and looks away blushing. Bodhi too feels his cheeks heating as he stares at their hands.

“Is this okay or--”

“Y-yes, it’s okay.”

Luke nods and without looking at him, he twists his hand so he can lace their fingers together. It’s the bad arm and so the movement sends aches shooting down to his forearm, but Bodhi doesn’t say a word. He hardly dares to breathe in case he might do something to break this moment. All the cracks in his brain seem to quiet as he stares at their adjoining hands.

Luke’s hand is warm, that warmth tingling up into his arm and through his whole body. He didn’t know he was cold before, but now he feels the difference. Luke strokes the back of Bodhi’s hand with his thumb and Bodhi wonders if it’s possible to ascend from the feel of someone’s palm. He wonders if it’s possible to fly apart and he wonders if it’s possible to break a moment into pieces so he can preserve each of them forever.

“You’re sure this is okay?” Luke asks in almost a whisper and Bodhi responds in a murmur without meeting his eyes.

“Yeah, th-this is nice.”

\---

The party has overtaken what seems to be the mess hall, tables have been shoved aside to make a space for people to dance and have a good time. But once Han procured them a bottle of Correllian rum, they found a table that was still upright and stayed there for ‘one drink.’

Except one drink turned into several thanks to Leia who seems all too willing to keep pouring. Luke disappeared midway through the first drink and he can guess where the kid has gone so he’s not terribly worried.

Although he can’t really guess why the drinking mood has struck Leia this evening. She seems to have less of a tolerance for the rum than he does and after more than a few drinks, she wobbles to her feet and waves off his offers to walk her to her room.

Chewie had a few drinks, but big as he is, it takes more than a few drinks to make the wookiee unsteady. He insists she at least let Chewie make sure she gets back to her room alright and at that she relents, saying something about how the wookiee isn’t a ‘scoundrel.’ He can’t really argue with that logic and his tongue is feeling a little too clumsy to try.

Leia takes a few meandering steps before she turns around and comes back to the table.

“I was going to visit Cassian and Jyn in the med-bay,” she says slowly working out the syllables like that might make them clearer. Not that he cares, he flaps a hand at her.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll check on them for you. Give them your...” he pauses to remember the word, “Your regards.” She points at him sloppily.

“Good idea. I’m going to sleep.” she says.

He nods because it is a very good idea, that’s why he suggested it. She turns to make her way back to Chewie when he remembers something.

“Oh yeah, drink some water… It helps with the thing,” he tells her making a messy gesture and she nods.

“Yeah, the thing,” she agrees and then she walks up to Chewie who wraps a big furry arm around her shoulders, which looks like a good idea since she doesn’t seem to walking in a very straight line. She leans against the wookiee’s side and lets him lead her out.

Right before they turn the corner out of sight, he sees Leia reach up and gently pet his fur.

That makes Han smile into the rest of his rum, swigging back what’s left in his glass. The bottle is mostly empty so he leaves it. He said something about going to the med-bay and also something about drinking water. He finds a water fountain to fill his glass and the water has a rum aftertaste which he decides is pleasant enough so he takes the cup with him as he tries to remember which direction the med-bay was in.

Luckily he has a _fantastic_ sense of direction. He probably only wanders for maybe twenty minutes before he finds it.

In terms of actual luck, all that time spent walking allows him to finish up his water and sober up just a little. Although perhaps that’s unlucky because now he’s sober enough to question why he’s doing this.

He’s still a little unsteady when he finally finds the damn med-bay and staggers in. The captain’s room is closer so he heads that way first, staring at the guards as they move to let him past. Andor is awake and immediately looks up quizzically as Han enters and makes a beeline for the plasteel seat that’s against the wall. He half falls, half melts into the chair under Andor’s watchful gaze and as soon as he’s seated, the other man asks, “What are you doing?”

And Han groans, as he tries to find a comfortable way to sit in this awful chair.

“Well, at the moment I’m trying to sit down. Although if you mean generally? No idea,” he says with a humorless smirk. The other man barely blinks before asking, “I mean what are you doing _here?_ ”

“I know,” Han replies with a sigh, finally giving up on a comfortable way to sit in order to meet the other man’s gaze.

“I told Leia I would check in on you guys for her. She was worried,” Han says.

“And she sent you?”

“Well to be fair, she was a little drunk.”

Andor’s eyebrows shoot into his hairline, but he seems to accept Han’s answer.

“Well, you can tell her I’m fine.”

“I will,” Han says with a nod, but he doesn’t move to leave and Andor watches him like he’s waiting for Han to do or say something.

And Han does have something that’s on his mind beyond the headache he seems to be developing. Something that’s been bothering him for a while. Because he still has a hard time reconciling the girl he met a long time ago with this Rebel who refuses to run even as death is bearing down on her.

“Whose idea was it?” he asks and Andor sits up on his bed with a wince to frown at him.

“Whose idea was what?”

Han gestures a vague sloppy circle.

“ _This._ The mutiny… Death Star plans… However you want to label that. Whose idea was it?” he asks and Andor’s frown fades, his expression turning almost neutral.

“Did you know Jyn’s father built that thing?” he asks and Han sits up a little straighter.

“What? The Death Star?”

Andor nods.

“Her father was forced to work for the Empire. He’s the reason for the flaw that allowed us to destroy the Death Star,” he says watching Han impassively.

That information sinks in slowly, as several pieces suddenly fall into place. Suddenly a few actions seem to make a lot more sense and there’s one piece missing and he’s pretty sure he knows what it is. Han leans forward with a groan to rest his head in his hands.

“He died, didn’t he?” he asks.

“He did.”

Han mutters to himself, rubbing at his face with both hands, “Aw _shavit._ ”

Andor seems to be watching him closely as he continues, “And to answer your original question, it was everyone’s idea. Jyn wanted to fight, I brought men to help, Bodhi knew how to fly the ship we were going to steal. The only reason Chirrut and Baze aren’t being held responsible is because they aren’t Alliance.”

He shrugs, but he’s still watching Han with a piercing gaze.

Han thinks that stare might be contributing to his headache, still he asks, “You care about her don’t you? Jyn I mean,” and Andor’s look turns incredulous. Han regrets the question the moment it leaves his mouth. He is not equipped to have a heart to heart with this rebel captain. He is the least equipped person in the galaxy to have this talk.

“Who wants to know?” Andor asks and Han pushes himself to his feet with a groan and shakes a hand at at the other man.

“Nobody, y’know what? Don’t worry about it. It was a dumb question.”

Andor frowns up at Han and the lines between his brows deepens as he looks away.

Han takes that as his queue to leave. He’s halfway towards the door when he hears Andor’s reply, barely louder than a whisper.

“Yes… To answer your question, yes I care very much.”

Han looks back at him.

“Good, she deserves that much, at least,” he says.

“She does,” Andor agrees quietly.

And with that Han really doesn’t have much more to say. The guards move aside to let him leave and he heads down the hall. He stops at Bodhi’s room and glances in past the guards (their presence unnerves him).

He finds Bodhi’s asleep and Luke already there beside him, also asleep. Their hands are a joined tangle and Luke is slumped over, resting his head on the side of the mattress. So they are definitely fine.

He moves on to Jyn’s room further down the hall. The two guards move aside for him once again and he steps over the threshold. Just like Luke and Bodhi, it seems Jyn is dead asleep, all the worries he last saw on her are smoothed away. He stands there, unsure of what he ought to do. He has nowhere in particular to be at the moment and Chewie can take care of himself.

He could go and sleep on the Falcon, and yet Han finds another of those terrible plasteel chairs against the wall and slouches into it.

He can stay here until morning.

And if he just so happens to be keeping Jyn company, that’s coincidental.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um so yeah...lots of things. I think the image of Leia drunkenly petting Chewie's fur is very adorable. Also for those who might worry, Leia is definitely one of those magical souls who doesn't get a hangover. I hear they exist. I personally don't drink but I did run the Han sobering bit past my roommate who does and she gave that her seal of approval. Also hope you enjoyed the INTENSE HAND HOLDING. Sometimes I feel like Luke and Bodhi belong in some period romance novel, they are both so innocent its hilarious and adorable.  
> Next up is the hearing!


	42. All We Can Say(Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to aewgliriel for the Star Wars knowhow. 
> 
> Also technically there is only a Jyn POV for like 5 seconds but there ya go.

_And I came to believe that good and evil are names for what people do, not for what they are._   
_All we can say is that this is a good deed, because it helps someone or that’s an evil one because it hurts them._   
_People are too complicated to have simple labels._   
_—The Amber Spyglass, Philip Pullman_

 ---

**Date: 3277.4.25 LY**

**Hearing testimony pertaining to the charge of mutiny.**

**The Accused: Sergeant Jyn Erso, Captain Cassian Andor, Lieutenant Bodhi Rook.**

**Present on behalf of the Alliance Council are Chancellor Mon Mothma, General Jan Dodonna, Admiral Tyr Raddus, Senator Vasp Vaspar, Senator Tynnra Pamlo, Senator Nower Jebel, Colonel Anj Zavor, Colonel Bandwin Cor.**

**First Testimony will be heard from Sergeant Jyn Erso.**

*******

**Mothma: We would like to make sure you understand these proceedings before we begin. You will be questioned by me, as will your associates and any other persons who may be relevant to your case. We will question each of you individually, you will be taken back to the medical bay where you are being held under supervision until we have reached a verdict. Please indicate that you understand.**

**(Erso does not respond.)**

**Mothma: (sighs) Ms. Erso, this hearing cannot proceed until you confirm that you grasp the nature and gravity of your current situation. Can you confirm that you understand what I have explained to you.**

**(Erso nods.)**

**Jebel: We require you to** **_say_ ** **it, Ms. Erso. Unlike you and your colleagues, we have laws by which we must abide.**

**Mothma: That’s enough, Senator Jebel, this hearing is to establish whether laws were broken and to what severity. I will ask you to hold your tongue until the council discusses all the testimony.**

**(She turns back to Jyn.)**

**Mothma: Now, Ms. Erso, if you would indulge us.**

**Erso: I** **_understand._ **

**Mothma: Excellent. Now let’s proceed.**

*******

**Mothma: And to what purpose did you gather nineteen Alliance soldiers upon your return to Yavin IV?**

**Captain Cassian Andor: I knew the Alliance wasn’t going to listen to Jyn. I knew if we were going to Scarif to get the plans we couldn’t pull that off with just the six of us.**

**(Senator Tynnra Pamlo leans forward to speak)**

**Pamlo: So you understood that your actions would be going against the express wishes of the Alliance Council?**

**Andor: I understood that the Council would underestimate the impact of such a battle station, quite potentially to your own demise.**

**Pamlo: That was not what I asked.**

**Andor: And yet that is my answer. I understood the wishes of the council to be detrimental to its continued existence.**

**(Senator Nower Jebel raises a hand to speak.)**

**Jebel: At the time of your mutiny, your intelligence regarding the Death Star plans was unconfirmed. You were going off of the information provided by Jyn Erso who was being treated as an unreliable source. Can you say that your intentions were not in any way compromised by your connection with Jyn Erso?**

**(Andor remains silent.)**

**Mothma: Senator Jebel, we cannot put their feelings on trial. Stick to the facts and avoid speculation in your questioning.**

*******

**Mothma: Lieutenant Rook, we would like to thank you for your assistance in our fight against the Death Star.**

**(Several council members shift in their seats.)**

**Dodonna: That was some truly excellent flying you did out there, Lieutenant. Both Skywalker and Antilles have spoken very highly of the skills you lent to that fight.**

**Rook: (stutters) Thank you?**

**Mothma: Is it correct that you stole an impounded Imperial Vessel for your Scarif attack?**

**Rook: Technically I think I stole it from the Empire first.**

**Mothma: So you admit you stole the ship?**

**(Rook shrugs)**

**Mothma: (sighs) Now, were you aware of any attempt to enlist members of the Alliance fleet to your Scarif mission?**

**Rook: (stutters) I’m not sure what you mean, ma’am. You mean the ships that arrived in orbit?**

**Mothma: Not necessarily, no, we mostly know what happened there.**

**Raddus: She is referring to my involvement, Lieutenant.**

**Rook: (Surprised) Of course, I thought I recognized your voice. You’re the one that answered my message! You were there to receive our signal.**

**Raddus: Yes, indeed, young man.**

**Vaspar: This got rather chummy all of a sudden.**

**Mothma: (To Vaspar) My apologies, Senator. (To Rook and Raddus) If you both could refrain from going off topic at this time, it would be appreciated.**

**Raddus: I don’t see how it’s off topic at all.**

**Mothma:** **_Be that as it may._ ** **Lieutenant, if you could answer the question.**

**Rook: (Pauses) I’m sorry, what was the question?**

*******

**Mothma: Would you say it was that it was Sergeant Erso’s plan that led to the mutiny?**

**(Baze Malbus does not speak)**

**Mothma: Master Malbus, it would help your friends if you answered our questions.**

**Malbus: Your questions are stupid.**

**(Mothma does not speak. She shuffles the papers in front of her. Malbus glares at the councilors until Mothma puts her papers down.)**

**Mothma: The questions are to address the combined concerns of this council. How would you characterize the intentions of Captain Andor, Sergeant Erso, and Lieutenant Rook’s mutiny?**

**Malbus: Honorable.**

*******

**Mothma: Do you believe that the actions of Captain Andor, Sergeant Erso, and Lieutenant Rook were instrumental to the retrieval of the Death Star Plans?**

**Chirrut Îmwe: Yes.**

**Mothma: (pause) Would you care to elaborate on that statement?**

**Îmwe: All is as the Force willed it to be.**

**Mothma:...Meaning you believe their success was an act of fate.**

**Îmwe: Meaning all is as the Force wills it.**

*******

**Mothma: While you were on the Death Star, you were interrogated?**

**Erso: (Angry) What does that have to do with Scarif?**

**Mothma: It would help us to have a complete picture of the entire mission, not just what transpired on Scarif. Now, I understand this may be a sensitive topic for you.**

**Erso: You don’t say…**

**Mothma: But it is necessary that you tell us in your own words what happened.**

**(Erso is silent and glares at the councilors)**

**Erso: We heard that Princess Leia was last seen heading for Alderaan and she had the plans. After we stopped on Tatooine, we headed towards Alderaan.**

**Raddus: What was your plan for when you arrived?**

**Erso: Honestly, we didn’t have one. The plan was to figure it out when we got there. I assumed we would start by landing on Alderaan and asking around. I still have some contacts and obviously so does Cassian.**

**Mothma: So you headed for Alderaan.**

**Erso: Well, it was gone...obviously. The Death Star was there, we got stuck in a tractor beam. We knew the tractor beam would have to be shut down so we could leave. I gave myself up as a decoy so they wouldn’t investigate the Falcon too closely. Everyone else was able to hide and I guess they eventually shut down the tractor beam. They took me in for questioning. Cassian got me out and we left.**

**Pamlo: Did you give up any sensitive information?**

**Erso: ...I don’t know…**

**Jebel: What do you mean you don’t know?**

**Erso: I mean I was drugged, stabbed, and had Darth Vader messing around** **_in my head_ ** **! I don’t remember much and what I do remember doesn’t make a lot of sense....I’m pretty sure I didn’t give them more than what they already knew, but I don’t know.**

**(The councilors are silent)**

*******

**Draven: The fact is, if Sergeant Erso and Captain Andor had not led their team to retrieve those plans, I’m not certain we would be alive right now.**

**(The council murmurs)**

**Draven: It was mutiny and it saved the lives of billions and I only wish we had approved their mission to Scarif with the appropriate back up. Perhaps we would have been able to save Alderaan if we had.**

**Mothma: Then as a member of this council, what is your opinion about a form of punishment?**

**Draven: I think we made more than enough of a statement when they returned here. Demote them a rank each just to make sure that soldiers in the Alliance know there will always be consequences when one goes rogue. But I would keep them among the ranks if possible. They have the kind of skills the Rebellion needs.**

**Jebel: You’re suggesting a slap on the wrist? After the losses we sustained when they decided to go rogue?**

**Draven: I’m suggesting that the Rebellion is not so full in it’s ranks that we can afford to be losing soldiers to disciplinary actions. We made our point, they were viciously apprehended on their arrival and everyone in the camp knows about it. By now word has surely spread beyond that. So yes, I am suggesting that a slap on the wrist is sufficient.**

*******

**Mothma: You were in orbit during the Battle of Scarif were you not?**

**Organa: I was.**

**Raddus: Senator, this is ridiculous, how can I be on this council if I participated in this action?**

**Mothma: (Sighs) Admiral, we are aware of the situation, as you are aware that for an Alliance Hearing to be probably deliberated on, our charter states at least eight members of the council must be in attendance and we all agreed that this should be resolved as soon as possible.**

**Raddus: This is a joke, Madam Senator, the fact that we are** **_having_ ** **this hearing is a joke.**

**Organa: I agree.**

**Zavor: Careful, Senator Organa, the council still finds your actions after escaping the Death Star to be reckless and suspect.**

**Jebel: You endangered us all.**

**Organa: The entire galaxy was in danger while that** **_thing_ ** **was out there. Do not kid yourself, Senators, members of this council, I might have placed us in some slightly more immediate danger but they would have found us soon enough and along the way destroyed hundreds of inhabited planets looking for us. Or do I need to remind you that my parents** **_died_ ** **on Alderaan, when we might have been able to save them if the attack on Scarif was a sanctioned mission with the appropriate resources? While I am grateful to the Admiral and the late General Merrick for their invaluable assistance, a properly planned mission with the appropriate level of troops and starships could have gotten those plans--**

**Mothma: Senator Organa, please.**

**(Organa pauses and takes a breath)**

**Organa: If you want to hold another hearing and debate my actions, then please do so.**

**Mothma: That will** **_not_ ** **be necessary, Senator.**

*******

**Skywalker: I don’t understand why this is even an issue. We wouldn’t have been able to blow up the Death Star if they hadn’t gotten the plans. Bodhi was** ** _out_** **_there_** **with us. With an arm that was blasted maybe a day ago, he was out there with us!**

**Dodonna: Yes, Luke, we are aware of Lieutenant Rook’s recent heroism. He is not on trial for that.**

**Skywalker: But if you admit he did a good thing, shouldn’t that balance whatever else they did? They didn’t hurt anybody, did they?**

**(None of the councilors respond)**

**Skywalker: You said yourself he’s a hero. They all are. I don’t get why you’re still putting them on trial for something that saved people’s lives.**

*******

**Mothma: Sergeant Erso, could you explain to the council why, after Scarif and the injuries you and your team sustained there, did you choose to continue to pursue Senator Organa and the potential Death Star plans?**

**Erso: (long pause) It had to be done.**

**Cor: That’s all? It had to be done? That hardly seems to cover the extent of your pursuit.**

**Erso: But it’s what...It** **_had_ ** **to be done. For Jedha and for everyone that died on Scarif and for my friends.... For Baze, Chirrut, Bodhi, and Cassian, and for my father, and for** **_me…_ ** **It had to be done. I could not bear the thought of having to witness another world destroyed. Not when I know what it feels like up close…**

*******

The room is as dingy as the rest of the base. A long shiny table runs almost the length of the room. On one side sits all the councilors (Mon Mothma tells Jyn the names of all the council members but she stops listening very quickly) and she sits facing them on the other side. She remembers a few dissatisfied faces from that unsuccessful briefing where she tried to convince the Alliance of the right thing to do. The Mon Cala, Raddus, is there. Other than that, the faces are a blur.

There are no restraints. A glass of water has been placed by her designated seat.

She tries to remind herself that nobody is holding a weapon on her, nobody has a needle out and ready to drug her. She tries not to fly apart. Still, she glares and bounces her knee nervously. She answers their questions haltingly and with a great deal of resentment but eventually the questions end and the guards help her to her feet. Cassian is on the bench outside the room and she freezes at the sight of him. He looks up at her, eyes wide and stormy as ever. Before she can think to breathe or speak, one of the guards tugs at her elbow and leads her away. She cranes her head to stare at him as she stumbles after the guards. Soon enough she is back in her bed in the med-bay. Now all that’s left is to wait.

When Jyn woke up this morning she found Han slumped over in a seat by her bed. He didn’t say much but he wished her good luck as she was marched out for the hearing.

She’s nearly dozing when a voice startles her awake.

“Erso, it’s time to go,” one of the guards gently prods her awake and her eyes fly open to stare up at the guard’s face beneath the mask. She has copper skin and calm eyes and helps Jyn to her feet.

“Come on. They’ve reached a verdict.”

*******

**Date: 3277.4.25 LY**

**Present on behalf of the Alliance Council are Chancellor Mon Mothma, General Jan Dodonna, Admiral Tyr Raddus, Senator Vasp Vaspar, Senator Tynnra Pamlo, Senator Nower Jebel, Colonel Anj Zavor, Colonel Bandwin Cor.**

**The accused, Sergeant Jyn Erso, Captain Cassian Andor, and Lieutenant Bodhi Rook are in attendance.**

**(Mon Mothma rubs at her forehead)**

**Mothma: We would like you all to know this decision was not one we reached lightly. Your actions were unlawful but they were also well intentioned and may have saved countless lives in spite of the heavy losses sustained on Scarif.**

**(Mothma pauses)**

**Mothma: So we have decided that your punishment will be a demotion in rank. Sergeant Jyn Erso, if you choose to stay with the Rebellion, your new rank will be Corporal. Lieutenant Bodhi Rook, your new rank will be Sergeant. Captain Cassian Andor, your new rank will be Lieutenant. And if the three of you do choose to stay in our ranks, you will also be on probation, until such time as you have regained the confidence of your superiors.**

**(Rook exhales, leaning forward to let his head rest on the table)**

**Erso: So if we chose to leave, then what?**

**Mothma: Then nothing. You would be free to do as you please. Although I sincerely hope that in spite of this recent conflict you would choose to stay and lend your skills to the cause.**

*******

**This concludes the hearing of Sergeant Jyn Erso, Captain Cassian Andor, and Lieutenant Bodhi Rook pertaining to the charge of mutiny.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as I said, I DID NOT WANT TO DRAG THIS OUT. I hope you enjoyed the different format. This was fun to write and now I'm just sprinting for the finish line and part 2. (You may notice my chapter estimate for ending this, it's an estimate but we're close now)


	43. The War Is Over, We Are Beginning(Cassian)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to aewgliriel for the Star Wars knowhow.

_We won or we think we did_  
_When you went away you were just a kid_  
_And if you lost it all and you lost it_  
_Well, we’ll still be there when your war is over_  
_Lift your head and look out the window_  
_Stay that way for the rest of the day and watch the time go_  
_Listen, the birds sing, listen, the bells ring_  
_All the living are dead and the dead are all living_  
_The war is over, we are beginning_

_**—** In Our Bedroom After the War, Stars _

 

 ---

Nobody speaks after the verdict is rendered. Beyond Jyn’s question the three of them are utterly silent. Cassian feels like his body’s gone numb.

The council members file out until it's just Senator Mothma on her feet, facing them. Even when she’s exhausted she looks as composed as a painting as she smiles down at them.

“You know your friends are outside waiting for you? It would be a shame to keep them in suspense for much longer,” she says with a gentle humor before gliding out the door. They all silently watch her leave and it isn’t until the door slides shut that Jyn jumps to her feet with a small wince. She’s still holding Bodhi’s hand so she pulls him up and races out the door (correctly assuming Cassian will follow, because of course he does).

In the hall is a small throng of people. Everybody from Chirrut and Baze, to Leia, to Han Solo and his wookiee are waiting for them.

Suddenly the air is full of warmth and embraces as their people congratulate them.

Luke runs up to Bodhi with bright eyes and Shara Bey follows with a mischievous spark in her eyes, while Jyn gets folded into a hug from Baze and Chirrut.

Cassian stands apart, feeling a little... Overwhelmed. He wonders when their group grew to be so big.

Leia steps up beside him and bumps his shoulder and doesn’t speak, she simply stands beside him with a knowing smile as they both watch a rare moment of joy play out.

It’s the sort of moment that he will surely revisit in his mind when things are looking bleak. He will look back and remember this moment of seeing them all together like this.

Jyn walks up to Han with a grin and asks,

“How does it feel to be one of the good guys?” and punches him in the arm. Han winces, but grins back.

“I’m not sure if we can call it that yet, kid,” he tells her with a chuckle and she raises her brows.

“You came in at the last moment to help our mission, which saved billions of people I'm sure. Seems pretty decent if you ask me. If you don’t watch it, someone might mistake you for having morals,” she tells him with a hand planted on her hip. Chewie lets out a bark and she grins up at the wookiee, stepping into a furry hug with a peal of laughter. She says something else to Han that comes out muffled by Chewie’s mane, but it sounds like ‘Even Chewie agrees with me!’

From where she stands beside Cassian, Leia watches the proceedings and asks, “You know we’re evacuating to our backup location on Hoth right?”

Cassian grimaces, “I knew we were evacuating, I didn’t know it was to that frozen rock.” Leia looks amused as she continues, “the remaining crews on base are finishing the evacuation procedures as we speak. We should be leaving in a few hours. In case there is anything in your quarters you want to take with you.”

It’s only then that he recalls the drive that’s sitting in his drawer.

Somehow it hadn’t occurred to him this _entire_ time.

He ducks out and heads to his quarters to pack.

\---

Their one remaining flagship is here to take all the people and equipment that still remain planetside.

Aegis II is a carrier ship with enough room that Solo is able to store the Falcon in the ship’s hangar.

It feels like a blur of events passing him by, until everyone is onboard the ship and he is watching through the transparisteel as they leave the surface of Yavin IV behind. He watches all that forest green fade as they pass through the white clouds of the atmosphere.

Jyn stands beside him and she is quiet until she asks him, “Will you miss it?”

Cassian tears his gaze away from the receding planet to look at her.

“No, I don’t think I will.”

She nods and another silence falls between them like a soft blanket. Cassian doesn’t know how to explain that he can’t miss a place more than the people in it. He can’t miss a planet more than he misses K-2 or mourns the loss of good men like Merrick, Melshi, and Pao. He doesn’t know how to tell her that he would miss her if she left.

“ _So if we chose to leave, then what?”_ she had asked at the end of their hearing.

“ _Then nothing. You would be free to do as you please.”_ Mothma had told her.

He wouldn’t blame her for leaving.

But if she goes, he suspects it will feel like losing oxygen. Like a hole in his chest or like internal bleeding.

That night, everyone is tired. It’s the first time in a long time where they have had nothing to run from. Nothing chasing them and death not immediately bearing down on them. Exhaustion hits them hard and when they find their rooms, Cassian wonders what Alliance soldier was responsible for assigning sleeping quarters.

He wonders if that soldier had a sense of humor or possibly a soft spot for the crew of Rogue One because each of them has a room neighboring a familiar face. Bodhi is in the room to his left and Jyn is in the room to his right. On the other side of Jyn’s room is Chirrut and Baze’s. Luke is a short ways down this same hall, as are Han and Chewie.

Cassian is really wondering if this was an intentional thing or some sort of kindly accident, the look Jyn shoots him before entering her own quarters says about the same.

His room is tight. A bed in the corner, a desk against the wall, and little else (including much room to move between them). He’s not particularly bothered by cramped quarters, he’s just grateful to have a proper bed to sleep in versus a hospital bed. He throws off his jacket, kicks off his shoes, and dims the lights before falling into bed.

He's asleep in minutes.

Still, his mind is apparently unwilling to rest like the rest of him.

As soon as sleep comes, he dreams in horrors.

Mostly real ones like bodies on the beach or Jyn, pale as death and bleeding out in a storeroom. K-2 as a lifeless heap of metal or Bodhi’s arm getting blasted to pulp.

Some of it isn’t real. He sees Jyn, dead in that chair or Bodhi getting shot through the chest by that trooper. His friends faces parade through his dreams in half memory and half nightmare. The nightmares are when they are all dead and he sees them one by one.

He dreams of being eaten by fire on a beach.

\---

When he wakes, it is to a shout that is not his own, muffled by walls. But he gasps, half choked as as he bolts upright in a cold sweat. The scream dies almost as soon as he sits up, but it curdles his blood even in the silence after.

There is a small sliver of light slipping under his door from the bright hall outside and he can hear when the door neighboring his whooshes open. He’s still breathing hard as he watches a shadow cross that line of light under the door.

The shadow doesn’t move and neither does he.

The images from his dreams are still too real… Even the ones that aren’t. They paralyze him in his bed.

He stares at the shadow and waits… Half wondering if he’s still dreaming... Until finally, there’s a knock on the door. The softest tapping of knuckles on durasteel and it’s enough for him to shake off the paralysis and get to his feet with a quiet groan.

(His ribs still ache and the nurse said they would for a while yet.)

He stumbles to the door and pushes the button for it to slide open. The hall is bright compared to his room, forcing him to stand there squinting.

Jyn is little more than a backlit shadow, facing him with hunched shoulders and she doesn’t say a word, she just stands there trembling.

He stares at her, still bleary with sleep and his own nightmares.

When he steps back as an invitation, she crosses the threshold hesitantly, both of them startling as the door slides shut behind her leaving them in the dark again.

Neither of them move for what could be an hour or several seconds. He stares down at her, in the dark she’s little more than outlines until his eyes adjust once again to the dim.

“Jyn,” he says barely above a whisper. Something about the dark keeps him quiet.

“Do you…?” he trails off, but she nods.

He walks back to the bed and she follows behind him like a shadow. When he lays down first, he pushes his back to the wall to make as much room for her as he can on the small bed. She waits for him to settle before lying down beside him, on her side so she’s facing him. The bed is so small that they are almost nose to nose and he studies her in the quiet and the dim.

Something about the look in her eyes is far too familiar. Even in the dark he can recognize that scrapmetal look. Too many sharp edges turned inward.

“Bad dream?” he asks, barely above a whisper. She nods her head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She doesn’t reply, but he can read the answer in her gaze and the way she’s still shaking. He reaches up uncertainly to brush a lock of hair out of her eyes. He wants to comfort, but he doesn’t have the instinct for it. His fingers just barely brush her skin as he sweeps the strands of hair aside and she looks down, quiet and pensive before turning her gaze back on him.

“Do you think we’ll ever be okay again?” she asks softly and he bites his lip, letting his eyes trail up to the ceiling with thought.

“Maybe someday... They say a body can adjust to anything with enough time,” as he speaks, he is drawn back into her gaze like gravity and he means more than a body, but he isn’t sure how to say what he means..

Her smile is one that twists at the edges. Almost like a grimace, but he can see the wry humor there as she says, “Time heals all wounds?” and he grins a little.

“More like, messed up could be our new normal with time?”

There’s still that spark of humor as she whispers, “I think we were messed up enough already Cassian.”

And that makes him laugh, a muffled, body shaking laugh, and slowly her smile grows and becomes a laugh to join his. When the laughter fades, a small smile remains.

His hand moves to rest on the mattress in the space between their bodies as another, smaller invitation. He wants to touch her, but he thinks maybe it’s better to let her decide when. Jyn moves her hands to rest next to his, palm flat against the bedding, just close enough for contact.

Her eyes are still smiling a little as she looks at him and he thinks of stars. Of celestial bodies and bright, colorful nebulas. She makes him think of stardust.

“Jyn...” he says her name like a question and a statement.

“Hmm?”

“What are you planning to do after we get to Hoth?”

Her eyes flick to his.

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“You asked Mothma about leaving,” he says and mostly succeeds in not sounding in any way hurt by this. She frowns a little and shrugs one shoulder.

“I thought it was good to know our options,” she murmurs and he catches the ‘our’ in that statement like a shock of static electricity.

And she doesn’t blink. The words were not misspoken.

“I don’t have anywhere to be and nowhere to go so… I thought I would leave that up to you. I think Bodhi wants to stay, he certainly likes Luke enough and Luke is staying for sure. Chirrut and Baze seem happy wherever they land... I didn’t want to assume...”

He’s staring at her now and she’s almost calm… Or maybe calm isn’t the right word. She’s decided. She made up her mind and she watches him waiting for an answer.

Cassian can’t imagine a life outside of the Rebellion and while there is an idea of domestic calm that appeals to him, he knows he will not be able to live that life until the Empire is dead or he is. If he were to leave now with her and try to build a life somewhere away from all this, the guilt of what he is ignoring would eat him alive.

“I want to stay,” he tells her slowly sounding the words out like he’s learning the feel of them. He’s never had to choose before, it feels strange to decide on what’s been his entire life.

“Then I’m staying too,” she says and where their hands still rest like neighbors on the mattress, her pinky lifts to curl around his. It’s such a small and careful contact, but it makes his heart pound.

“And you're okay with that?” he asks feeling more than a little incredulous and she nods as she stares down at their hands. When she speaks, it’s slow and hesitant.

“I think I feel my most… Okay… With you,” it’s an admission murmured so softly, it’s almost inaudible. There’s that raw look in her eyes, that look of something wild fighting the urge to run.

Cassian shifts a little closer.

“I feel the same… All the way, remember?” he says and her eyes catch on his with a small smile forming. Her eyes look full again, but she nods to acknowledge his words, finally picking her hand up to fully twine it with his.

“And if you’re staying in the Alliance with me, I just need to ask you one favor,” he says, staring at their hands like they might catch fire and she nods again, her eyes intent.

“You need to take care of yourself,” he says, softly looking back at her now, “No throwing yourself in front of blasters or giving yourself up to the enemy okay?” his voice cracks a little and her gaze seems to sharpen on him at that moment, her grip on his hand tightens as she says, “You’re just as bad. I remember you shielding me from that trooper, or back on Scariff when you were too busy shooting at Krennic to get some cover.”

And he has no response to that, but she does.

“If one of us dies it will be horrific no matter what and there’s nothing we can do about that,” she says and her voice is breaking on such a bleak reality.

In the dark it feels safe to speak honestly, but he aches to hear such a harsh truth said aloud.

“I just… I dreamt about you on the Death Star” he says, “And in my dreams you're dead and I can’t...” he breaks off and looks away from Jyn as a tear rolls down her cheek.

“In my dreams you die on Scariff or on Tattooine, or I was unable to get us there in time and you die on the ship and there’s nothing I can do,” she whispers, “Sometimes it’s just you, sometimes it’s everybody.”

And all he can say is, “Me too.”

She nods and the tears are still streaming down her cheeks as she smiles and says,

“We’re really fucked up aren’t we?”

And Cassian laughs, “Yeah, but we’re alive.”

That gets a real smile out of her.

Neither of them speak for several minutes, but he can tell she’s still awake when he asks, “You want to hear something good then?”

Her eyes lock on his with curiosity as he pulls his hand back to rummage in his pocket. The drive is still there after he stuffed it there in his hurry to pack all of his belongings before they left Yavin. He pulls it out to show her.

“Well… I suppose there’s a caveat to it, but I only just remembered before we left the base. There was this drive in my drawer. It was K-2’s...”

He sees her eyes widen and he continues, “I forgot because K-2 only ever really mentioned it to me once a few years ago. He had a backup of himself… His programming, memory banks, everything… He said he updated the memory files on the drive every time we came back to base. I’m assuming he kept up with that, but he said in the event that something ever happened to him we could use the drive to...”

She breathes in slowly, her eyes shining, “Cassian, that’s _amazing._ ”

He sighs and shakes his head.

“Caveat, remember? It will only work on another KX security droid and we’re not likely to find those running around here,” he can’t keep the bitterness from his voice and she reaches out to touch his arm.

“But we could? We could look for one? Or...”

“Do you think we can just abscond and go looking for an Imperial droid? That would be as reckless as what landed us in that hearing in the first place, except this time it would entirely be because we did something selfish. Or are you hoping there might be a moment on a mission where we might just conveniently find one and have the time to capture and neutralize it without endangering Rebellion objectives?” He sounds too sharp, like a broken edge.

He looks away, biting his lip and his eyes sting a little. It occurs to Cassian that he never had time to properly mourn his friend. He swallows past the lump in his throat and looks back at her to find a soft knowing gaze.

“Make me a copy,” she says, reaching out to gently prod the drive in his hand and she touches it like it’s a fragile living thing. Like K-2 is in there and can feel her somehow.

“What?” is all he thinks to asks and she meets his eyes again, this time with a steadied determination.

“Make me a copy.

“Why?”

She sighs and looks back at the drive in his hands, the barely there light in the room still catches on its metallic edges.

“Because that way there will be twice the chances of us finding one of those droids and getting K-2 back,” she says softly.

For a moment he can only nod, too choked by emotion to respond. He puts the drive in his pocket and when his hand is empty once again she moves closer to curl up against him, their bodies lining up like puzzle pieces. Her head rests on his chest, her hair tickling at his chin, and his arms naturally move to hold her close. It’s like the last bit of tension finally leaves him in a breath.

He has to keep reminding himself that they’re alive. That they did it.

That, for the moment, it’s over and they won.

He hasn’t had the time to feel that victory, but he does now. It feels like another person’s heartbeat resting against his own. It feels like pressing a kiss into her hair and holding her. It feels like falling asleep content and dreaming in only the most benign flashes and memories.

It feels like waking up with her eyes being the first thing he sees.

This is what it feels like to win. It feels like living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey look what I can do with a 3 day weekend, I think next chapter might be the epilogue to part 1 guys holy shit.  
> I hope you enjoyed that deus ex K-2 um...shit was too busy before to bring it up and like maybe it will be a thing later? Who knows life's a mystery.


	44. Epilogue (Jyn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the poem excerpt is lightly condensed and also from Minecraft?? Who knew that game was deep.

_and the universe said I love you_  
_and the universe said you have played the game well_  
_and the universe said everything you need is within you_  
_and the universe said you are stronger than you know_  
_and the universe said you are the daylight and the night_  
_and the universe said you are not alone_  
_and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code_  
_and the universe said I love you because you are love._  
_And the game was over and the player woke up from the dream. And the player began a new dream._  
_And the player dreamed again, dreamed better. And the player was the universe. And the player was love._  
_You are the player._  
_Wake up._

_—Julian Gough_

 ---

There is still much to discuss. Much that remains undefined.

But Jyn Erso is confident for the first time, that maybe… Eventually all will be resolved.

She is uncertain of what the future will hold, but for the first time it feels open to her. She has choices now that she never had before and she has people.

 _Her_ people.

The next day everyone gets up slowly. Nobody is calling for them or expecting them. They move slowly because they can.

Most of them have to visit the on board medical bay for a brief exam with Nurse Temple, she tells them they are healing.

It feels like they finally have the time to heal.

The next evening she and Cassian end up in the cantina. It’s an unplanned impulse, but they are free to enjoy such frivolities for the time being. On Hoth assignments will be meted out, until then their time is their own.

The cantina is mostly empty. Much of the crew that remained on Yavin is now working necessary tasks aboard the ship, but a few pilots are sitting at the bar.

Jyn and Cassian secure a table in the far corner of the room, they lean over it like conspirators.

“So,” Cassian says, his eyes sparkling at her over the rim of his drink. (He’s still nursing his first drink, she’s beginning her second.) “What do you want to do in the Rebellion?”

“Do?” she asks with a frown and his grin widens as he sets down his glass.

“If you are going to stay in the ranks, you’ll need to do something. You’ll need a job,” he tells her and he’s still smiling with his eyes. Amusement in the lines around his mouth.

Her frown deepens as she considers that. She’s never gotten to choose before. It seems life in the Rebellion is full of choices.

“I think I might like to be a mechanic,” she says thoughtfully as she toys with her glass, “I’d like to know how to fix broken things.”

His eyes catch on hers then and there is still that smile in his eyes, but there’s something else too. She doesn’t quite know how to say that she’s seen too much death, and she doesn’t want to deal in hurting people anymore. Not unless she has to. The look in his eyes says something similar as he says,

“Well, as soon as you learn how to fix things, please let me know,” and takes a deep swig of his drink. She smiles a little.

“Maybe I’ll teach you.” Under the table she knocks her knees against his and he grins as he sets down his glass.

“I’m sure you’ll be a fine teacher.”

And something in that smile still transfixes her, something about the look in his eyes. Even now after spending so much time together, she still finds herself getting caught up in him constantly.

A voice interrupts, “Do you mind if we join you?” and it’s Chirrut asking. They both look up to see Chirrut leaning heavily on his cane and Baze standing quietly beside him.

“Sure, yes,” Cassian murmurs and they pull up some more chairs, moving to make room.

Baze goes to the bar to order their drinks and Jyn stares after him with raised brows.

“I didn’t think Guardians would partake of this sort of thing,” she says to Chirrut with a grin and he returns it with one of his own.

“I prefer tea, but Baze enjoys a strong drink on occasion.”

“He made me come,” Baze adds as he comes back to their table and Chirrut smiles up at his husband with ease.

“Baze, don’t try and deny you wanted to spend time with them as well.”

Baze grumbles under his breath as he takes a seat and Jyn can’t help but smile at the man and his determination to be difficult. Without a word she reaches across the table and squeezes Baze’s hand. The man glances at her and away, still grumbling even as he squeezes back. Their drinks are soon delivered to the table and Baze grabs at his tankard and takes a deep gulp. Chirrut has a mug of something steaming with an herbal scent.

Jyn glances up this time to see Bodhi carefully approaching their table.

“W-would it be o-okay if I….” he trails off, fidgeting nervously with the edge of his cast where it pokes out from his flight suit.

None of them have received supplementary uniforms yet and Bodhi’s old uniform seems lost, so he’s still running around in his flight suit.

He doesn’t seem to mind and neither does Luke, who is noticeably absent for the first time since they’ve gotten on board. In the last day or so she’s only ever seen them together, squirreled away in corners, talking softly. She’s a little surprised to see Bodhi alone, but it’s Chirrut who speaks up with that ready smile, “Of course Bodhi, please join us.” Again, there is more shuffling of chairs, pulling up another chair for Bodhi and it’s becoming a tight fit for Jyn, with Bodhi close enough on her right for them to knock elbows, and Cassian tucked in close on her left.

Bodhi, it seems has already ordered, and it looks like he’s just drinking water, but he nurses his glass with a small smile that meets her own. A silence falls over the table gently, almost comfortably. Something pensive seems to hang in the air as they all quietly enjoy their drinks.

For her part, Jyn takes a sip, looking around the table at the familiar faces. She studies each of them in turn. Bodhi, nervous and eager. Somehow young and old at once. He feels like the brother she never had and he must have so many stories about Galen that she hasn’t heard before. She looks forward to learning more about the father she unknowingly shared with him.

Her gaze moves to Chirrut, his easy kindness and constant smiles. A man of faith and love and utterly tied to the man beside him. As for Baze Malbus, she now knows that he might have a rough exterior, but inside he is one of the kindest and gentlest beings she’s ever known.

And then beside her is Cassian, all hard edges and stormy eyes, even now as he meets her gaze with a smile the storms are still there. She thinks they must live inside him. She knows now that Cassian has enough hard edges to match with her own and she knows that his embraces feel like home.

He watches her now with a studious gaze and she leans into him a little, enjoying the fact that she can.

“ _There you are!_ ” and that’s Luke Skywalker running over to join them and there is another round of shifting chairs as they make a space for him beside Bodhi. He grins around the table at them as he gets settled and ducks his head as he murmurs a quiet greeting at Chirrut.

Apparently, in the last day or so it seems Chirrut and Luke found the time to try a lesson in meditation. Chirrut still insists he’s not a Jedi, but he’s offered to teach Luke what he knows.

Now, Luke just grins at Bodhi and despite Bodhi’s apparent shyness, Luke gets a brief, bright smile and bumping of shoulders in return.

Soon after their table is joined by Han, Chewie, and Leia. They seem to be in the middle of an argument that only pauses briefly so more room can be made at the table. A little later, that Shara Bey and her husband Kes come join them as well. Their table is now so tightly packed that Kes and Shara have just pulled up seats beside them, slightly outside of the circle but leaning in. Conversations start off lively and spirited and overlapping each other. Han seems to be arguing with Leia about something with Luke and Bodhi talk softly, their heads bowed towards each other. Shara and Kes are having an animated discussion with Chirrut and Baze about something to do with fighting techniques.

Jyn looks at Cassian again and he meets her gaze with a grin that’s infectious.

It seems their numbers have grown more than she thought as she glances around at each of them her gaze landing on Cassian once again. Under the table, she takes his hand and thinks about how it’s the first time in years that she’s a part of something. One piece of something bigger.

\---

It begins like this: Stars are born from dust and eventually burst and collapse back into dust. Bodies grow and sometimes new stars are born from that dust. Sometimes a planet will form and it will teem with life until it is destroyed by forces beyond its control.

It begins like this: Two old Guardians are uprooted from their life and their temple and find themselves becoming new kinds of guardians to a small group of not-quite-children who need them.

It begins like this: A boy runs from a ravaged home to a Rebellion and doesn’t look back and a scared young man tries so hard to do right by himself.

And it begins like this: With a little girl hiding in the dark, praying to a Force she does not understand that she will escape and survive.

She does escape and she does survive and she keeps on surviving through every catastrophic thing. She survives both her parents and the death of planets.

She survives long enough to find a family.

It begins like this and like this and like this.

But it does not end.

It middles.

It middles with a station that was built to destroy and its destruction when a group of rebels decide to stand their ground.

It middles with five of them connected by shared experiences that no one beyond them could understand. And as they look into each other’s eyes, they know that nobody will ever fully comprehend what they have seen. This is what binds them together. No matter where they go now, that connection will always remain.

It middles with others who are joining them. A farm boy, a princess, a smuggler and his wookiee. There’s even a good natured pilot and her soldier husband and more may yet join their ranks because it seems their family is not done growing.

It middles with galaxies full of stardust and a girl who was once called Stardust surrounded by the people she calls her own, holding hands with the person whose soul matches her own.

This is not an ending, this is just beginning.

 

_End of Part 1_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So holy shit guys Part 1 of this is done. Please stay tuned for chapter 1 of Part 2 called Of Starlight and Stardust. I might take a small break before starting it or I may just keep powering on like a maniac because I have ideas and I am very excited to write them. And well, seeing as I churned out over 150 THOUSAND WORDS in just under 6 months which is the most I’ve ever written and the fastest I’ve ever written it, let me take a minute to thank the academy and some other people.
> 
> First off thank you to Jimmy Rustled Bird for being my beta for a hefty chunk of this fic, y’all she was very busy and I appreciate the time taken to add all them commas and all the time spent brainstorming with me on shit.  
> Also thank you to aewgliriel for answering all those burning questions like what would a cast in Star Wars probably be made of? And what is a reasonable travel time for the Death Star to get from Yavin to Alderaan? Or the age old question do they have locker rooms in the Rebel base? (For the curious, the answer to #3 was maybe and I sidestepped the scene that was going to need locker rooms)
> 
> And thank you to all y’all reviewers who took the time to express your enjoyment of the fic even when it was becoming almost like a modern art excercise in an author climbing up her own ass with too many goddamn metaphors, a big part of the reason I wrote so much so quickly was because real life at the moment is a dystopian novel and I really enjoyed hearing from you. (And I do look at those bookmarks when there are notes attached and thank you for those too XD)
> 
> And lastly I just want to shoutout some obvious and not so obvious inspirations and influences for this fic?  
> The biggie is of course, the incomparable [Floating, Sinking by Shuofthewind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9053302/chapters/20596522) which if you’re reading this and not that what are you doing guys? A big part of this fic has been trying to find different ways around the stuff she wrote because it was so good and I was trying very hard not to copy (Part of the reason for the transcript format of the hearing scene was her trial scene was so good I knew I couldn’t come close to it if I tried)  
> Another big influence that sadly just got taken off AO3 was the lovely stormpilot fic Tell Me About the Big Bang by thebrotherswinchester. [Luckily some lovely folks have archived everything and here's a handy post for that.](https://bemusedlybespectacled.tumblr.com/post/160888181546/the-unofficially-curated-thebrotherswinchester-fic)  
> And the last big influence which ALSO got removed from AO3 and archived by a beautiful precious sunflower is Designations Congruent with Things. An epic length Pacific Rim fanfiction that is so good it spawned a band based off the fictional one she made up and I’ve nearly ripped off lines from it dozens of times. [and here's a nice archive masterpost of all of that stuff](http://seserakh.tumblr.com/post/133453977536/designations-congruent-with-things-plus-extras-and.)  
> Obviously some of these are more stylistic influences than specifically content influences and I’ve been reading RebelCaptain fic as I write this so who knows where I picked some shit up but if you want real life authors that inspire me go check out the works of Rainbow Rowell or Markus Zusak.  
> Other than that I can only say see you in part 2!


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